by Eric Vall
“I’ve dabbled.” Raphael nodded, unimpressed.
“But you see, my friend,” Todd continued as he tried to suppress a snicker, “the best part about a smartphone like Jakey’s here is the size of the screen. Back in the day, we’d have to be at a stationary computer to do this. But now-- Voila!”
“What the…?” The Archangel’s face turned white, and he ripped his gaze away from the phone.
“Porn on the go!” Todd exclaimed. “You can beat it in bed, beat it on the beach, beat it in the bathroom. The future is now, bro!”
“I am an angel of the most divine order!” Raphael growled as he comically rubbed his eyes. “That sort of material is forbidden to us. Especially that particular act… Wait, the title of this video says these two are step-siblings. Is that true?”
“Probably not,” Todd chuckled, “but different strokes for different folks.”
“This technology is amazing,” the angel said as he blinked at the screen.
“You bet it is.” Todd shrugged and then there was a few seconds of silence as the small imp and muscular angel stared at the screen in silence.
“Guys,” I said. “We have important stuff to talk about.”
“Uhh yeah,” Todd said as he pressed the side button the turn off the screen. “While you all do that, I think I’m gonna go into the other room for a minute.”
“Not with my phone, you’re not!” I protested.
“Oh, of course.” Todd shook his head. “Where are my manners? May I please borrow your phone so I can whack it to some shit that’s illegal in seven states?”
“Uh, no--” I raised my finger to stop him, but the imp was already running toward the stairs.
“Thanks, Jakey! You’re the best!” His voice grew quieter as he ran away.
I sighed. “I really hope Quinn’s credit line is as big as his cowboy hat, because now I need a new phone too.”
“Wait, this is Robert Quinn’s home?” Raphael asked as he glanced around at the furniture.
“It sure is, Raphael,” Cupi spoke up. “Flauros, the mighty tyrant of the Fourth Circle, is dead.”
The Archangel’s eyes lit up with glee. “Excellent work, my friends! We’ve been after Flauros for centuries.”
“We also defeated Anton Blum. Bifrons, as we demons know him,” Sia added.
“Flauros and Bifrons.” Raphael’s face grew cold. “Is there any specific reason that these were the two demons you’ve slain?”
“They were communicating with each other, most likely in regard to this.” I picked up the bloody robe and held it out for the Archangel.
“This is a troubling development.” Raphael shook his head. “Flauros and Bifrons are both members of the Seventy-Two Servants.”
“Seventy-Two Servants?” I asked. “That doesn’t sound good.”
“It’s not, Jacob.” Sia sat down on the living room couch and hung her head. “I was afraid this was going to happen once I left Azazel unchecked.”
“What’s wrong, sister?” Libidine sat down next to the youthful succubus and began to rub her strawberry-red hair.
“The Seventy-Two Servants were long before your time, Libidine,” Sia said softly. “Though I’m sure Cupiditas remembers them quite well.”
The athletic blonde nodded grimly. “The name refers to a group of demons who served the kings of the first four circles of Hell- Amaymon, Ziminar, Gaap, and Corson.”
“If you go by their Hebrew names, Corson translates to Azazel,” Sia added.
“Well, that explains why he kept calling himself ‘The King of the Fourth Circle’ during our battle,” I murmured with a nod.
“During the Revolution, or ‘The Fall of Lucifer’ as you mortals call it, those four Demon Kings banded together.” Raphael stared out blankly into the distance. “They recruited a small yet powerful army of seventy-two lesser demons as well as the mortal followers that Azazel had been seducing since the dawn of time. They were nearly unstoppable.”
“But you guys won, right?” I questioned. “Lucifer and his minions were banished from the Pearly Gates and now rule over Hell, and some fuckers decided to go incognito on Earth.”
“In all honesty, we were lucky to have won.” Raphael shook his head. “It was a war of attrition, really. We lost battle after battle, but we had enough warriors and resources that we were eventually able to outlast the enemy.”
“And the Seventy-Two Servants?” I asked. “What happened to them, and why is it such a big deal that they’re communicating again?”
“The Exalted One made sure that the Seventy-Two Servants were disbanded.” Sia frowned. “It was part of the treaty that ended the first phase of the war, and it has stood for millennia without any issues. All the lesser demons were allowed to stay on Earth and reap the rewards of whatever they decided to do with their demon powers, and the four kings returned to their Circles of Hell.”
“Until now.” Raphael punched the wall and let out a scream of rage. “Damn you, Azazel! All you had to do was respect the Accords, and none of this would be happening.”
“Do you think the Seventy-Two Servants are getting back together?” Cupiditas asked the Archangel.
“Thankfully, they cannot as long as Azazel is banished back to Hell,” Raphael murmured. He sighed as he looked over the bloodied robe. “Which brings us back to this. I’ve been monitoring a few sects of the Cult of Azazel since their master’s defeat, and I think they’re planning something. They’ve completely stopped doing their typical harmless chicken sacrifices or late-night chant sessions, but they are still gathering.”
“And now they’re apparently recruiting other members of the Seventy-Two Servants,” Libidine added.
“We need to figure out just what the hell is going on.” I nodded grimly.
“Whew!” Todd wheezed as he walked back within earshot.
The imp was completely out of breath, and there was a small limp in his step as he walked. He waddled over to me, reached out his hand, and slowly slid my cell phone back into my pocket.
“Don’t worry, bro.” He patted the side of my leg. “I only watched for a few moments, and I made sure that my jerkin’ hand never touched your screen or anything.”
“Uh, thanks.” I rolled my eyes and tried not to sound disgusted.
“You might want to delete your search history, though.” Todd reached up and rubbed his eyes with his right hand. “Especially if you’re planning on traveling to Rhode Island. So, what’d I miss?”
“Seriously?” Raphael asked in an annoyed tone.
As much as Todd had missed, it only took us a few minutes to catch him up to speed. Once we had finished telling the imp what was going on, he slapped his hand to his knee happily.
“Well, hot damn!” he said with an eager smile. “Cults, Heaven-Hell Wars, and ancient demons getting the band back together? This was almost better than what I was watching upstairs. Almost.”
“Does anyone have any ideas on how we can infiltrate this Cult? Or where we could even find them?” I asked the group.
“I know there are a couple of sects out on the west coast,” Sia explained. “That’s where Azazel always wanted to take me.”
Raphael shook his head. “The two sects I’ve been spying on are over in New York, but there must be something local if Anton Blum and Robert Quinn were both out here in Phoenix at the same time.”
“Oh, that one’s easy.” Todd giggled. “So, once I realized that Jakey’s phone screen wasn’t going to be big enough to get the job done--”
“Gross!” Cupiditas chuckled playfully.
“I switched over to Quinn’s office computer.” Todd made exaggerated expressions with his arms as he told the story. “Which reminds me, do yourself a favor and don’t go in there. Like, ever again. That shit ain’t coming off the walls anytime soon.”
“Again, ew.” Cupi was more serious this time.
“Anyway, while I was up there slappin’ the ol’ salami, a little calendar notification popped up on the
screen.” The imp shrugged. “I just ignored it and kept going, but it did say something about a meeting.”
“Please tell me you remember the rest of the details,” I begged.
“Sorry, bro,” he apologized. “My mind was kinda on other things at that moment. I can go show you if you want.”
“I’d really prefer not to, but I guess if that’s what it’s going to take…” I sighed.
“Tell you what,” Todd picked at his teeth with a claw on his right hand. “How about I go into that warzone of a room and find out the info, and you guys go try on some more of those sweet robes? I found, like, ten more in Quinn’s closet.”
“I vote for that option,” Libidine said with a raised hand.
Todd jumped up on the couch and pointed triumphantly. “Onward, to the porn viewing room!”
The imp giggled and then dashed off toward the main entrance. The succubi and I began to follow Todd, but I halted when I realized that Raphael wasn’t following.
“Aren’t you coming, Raphael?” I asked the Archangel. “I’m sure Todd’s exaggerating about what he did to that room.”
“It’s not that, I assure you.” The dark-haired man chuckled. “Unfortunately, I cannot join in this mission. I am Raphael, the Archangel who defeated Azazel and chained him in a pit of darkness for what was supposed to be all eternity. His followers will know exactly who I am. I’ll do nothing but endanger everyone if I go.”
“Ah, come on,” I implored. “It’s an imp, three succubi, an archangel, and a mortal with demon powers against a group of crazy cultists. We’re gonna wipe the floor with them.”
“A parting word of advice, Jacob Ralston,” Raphael warned. “Don’t underestimate the Cult of Azazel. There is a reason that the Seventy-Two Servants rely on them so heavily.”
Before I could utter another word, the Archangel began to float toward the ceiling. The white fabric of his robe fluttered as if blown by a silent wind, and then his body was engulfed with a vibrant white ball of light as he disappeared.
With a thoughtful frown at his warning, I turned back to the succubi, and we continued on toward our destination.
As we walked up the sprawling marble staircase, I couldn’t help but marvel at their craftsmanship. Each step was just the right size and height to ascend comfortably, and the railing was made out of a heavy black iron that looped around the entirety of the staircase like a cast-iron snake. Our footsteps reverberated off the marble stairs for a few moments longer until the four of us finally reached the top.
“Took you long enough.” Todd stood at one of the doors and tapped his foot. “Ladies and gentlemen, and Jacob, I present to you, Robert Quinn’s love shack!”
The imp pushed the white wooden door open, and I was greeted with a bedroom suite that made our place at the Excalibur look like a two-star hotel.
The floors were made of mahogany and covered at random intervals with white area rugs. A gigantic California King-size canopy bed sat in the middle of the room, with cream-colored curtains that hung over a mattress covered with tannish-brown bedding. The headboard and footboard were both a dark oak that had Spanish-style designs intricately carved into them. A two-doored wardrobe stood across the way, next to an opening that appeared to be the closet.
Todd dashed through the opening, rummaged around for a minute, and then returned with four navy robes.
“Bro, we’re going to look so badass in these fucking things!” The imp snickered as he tossed them onto the bed. “I’ll be right back. James Todd has some hacking to do.”
“It’s not hacking if you’re just looking at his calendar app,” I joked as Todd ran out of the bedroom.
“It is if you play 80s synthesizer music while you do it!” he called out from the hallway, and all I could do was snicker.
“All alone with this giant comfy bed,” Libidine cooed. “Whatever are we going to do?”
“As much as I hate to admit it, we should probably wait until we’re done with this mission before we christen the sheets.” I laughed as I pulled the cotton robe over my head.
“Hopefully it will be all four of us,” Cupiditas purred and looked at Sia.
“We’ll see, Cupiditas,” the redhead said softly as her eyes glimmered. “We’ll see.”
Despite looking cheap and flimsy, the robe was actually really cozy. It hung down just above the soles of my shoes, and the belt that holstered the weapons rested casually on my waistline. Meanwhile, the massive hood hung down behind my head and threatened to pull my entire neck backward.
“These guys must have really muscular necks,” I joked.
“Muscular and veiny.” Cupiditas winked. “Just the way I like it.”
The four of us now stood in the middle of the bedroom, all decked out in our cult robes. I felt ridiculous, but I had to admit it was kinda cool to see us all in matching uniforms.
“I got it!” Todd exclaimed as his voice grew closer, and then the imp appeared in our room. “Just call me Todd Masterson, the Hackerman.”
“What did you find?” I asked my friend as he patted himself on the back.
“There’s a meeting tonight at the southwest edge of Tonto National Forest.” He nodded. “Eight o’clock sharp. It’ll only take an hour or so to get there from where we are, tops.”
“We can still make it there if we hurry,” the blonde succubus said as she observed the alarm clock on the wardrobe.
“Well? What are we waiting for?” I pulled up the hood of my robe. “We’ve got a cult meeting to crash.”
Chapter 6
“Cult members sure have weird fashion choices,” Libidine said with a sigh from the backseat of our Jeep as it barreled down the highway. “There are no colors to make it pop or pretty designs or even a cute little saying to give it character. It’s just dark blue.”
Cupiditas giggled. “Look at you, Liby. You’re on Earth for a month and suddenly a fashion designer.”
“I don’t even like clothing, and I can agree these things are hideous,” Sia added. “I feel like I’m wearing a heavy blanket.”
“I don’t know what you dudettes are talking about,” Todd said through puffs of his blunt. “You guys look like fucking badasses.”
“Says the only person who doesn’t have to wear one.” I laughed.
“I offered!” The imp shook his finger at me. “You’re the one who said that I wouldn’t blend in.”
“I’m sorry if I thought a three-foot-tall demon in a saggy robe would stand out like a sore thumb.” I shrugged. “People would have thought we brought our ill toddler to the sacrificial cult meeting.”
Todd took a hit and pondered that. “On second thought, you’re right. I probably would have been a prime candidate for sacrifice, anyway. Those mere mortals would all be too intimidated by this sexy imp bod.”
“Or they wouldn’t have given two fucks, considering they seem to interact with demons on a daily basis,” I chuckled. “Though that does raise the question, are they familiar with imps? Earl, Azazel, and Gallu all seemed to be disgusted by the fact we had one with us.”
“They were just jelly.” Todd stood up and flexed. “Who wouldn’t be? With muscles like this, a schlong like a T-Rex, and a brain full of paranormal knowledge, I’m everything they’ve ever wanted to be and more!”
“Actually,” Sia piped up, “it was because imps are seen as the lowest of the low on the chain of command, even below mortals.”
“Nah, they’re all just jealous,” Todd reiterated.
“In the Hierarchy of the Divine, imps are like--” the redhead started.
“Nope!” Todd cut her off. “Just jealous.”
I chuckled at their argument. “Either way, we can’t have you going in there in your normal state, especially not when you can just turn invisible.”
“So the guy who originally found the robes and the only one who actually likes them is the only member of the group who doesn't get to wear them?” Todd released a breath of reefer smoke out the window. “That’s some d
ramatic irony right there.”
“Dude, I wish it could be another way.” I gave him a sympathetic smile. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t wear them around the house later.” I caught sight of the sign for Tonto National Forest. “I think this is the place.”
“High-ho, Shadow, away!” Todd giggled as he stood up and pointed at the sign.
I turned the Jeep off the exit and continued to follow the winding road for a few more miles. As we traveled, it became narrowed until the pavement disappeared entirely, and we were on a tiny dirt road. Up ahead, I saw a small wooden sign that read, “Tonto National Forest Boundary,” but there was nobody else in the area. I rolled Shadow to a stop, and the five of us hopped out onto the warm desert sand.
“Maybe this isn’t the right place?” Liby suggested.
“Do you hear that?” I put my finger up into the air to silence everybody.
“I don’t hear anything,” Cupiditas said as she looked off in the distance.
“Exactly.” I smirked. “Just like the Chapel of the Trinity.”
“A protective hex.” Sia smiled. “Very good, Jacob.”
I turned to Todd. “I know this is probably a stupid question, but do you still have your occult books?”
“Bro, I feel like you don’t even know me,” Todd snickered as he made his way to the back of the Jeep. “Those books are the only valuable possession I own. Wherever I go, they go.”
The imp leapt up onto the rear bumper of the Jeep and tugged at the tailgate release, but it didn’t budge. He let out an annoyed sigh, rubbed his hands together, and then grabbed the release with both of his tiny mitts. Todd jerked both arms to the side, and a mechanical click rang out. Shadow’s tailgate flew open and took the imp with it. Todd’s eyes widened as his tiny body was flung off into the sand.
All the succubi and I could do was laugh at the ridiculous scene right in front of our eyes.
“I totally had that, guys.” Todd chuckled as he stood up and brushed sand off of his red skin. The imp walked back over to the Jeep, jumped back onto the bumper, and began to rummage through the clutter that littered the storage area.
“Let’s see,” he muttered as he dug. “Devil-headed bong… Luchador mask… Half-eaten ham sandwich…”
