by Harper Sloan
"I respect you there, Maddox, I do, but what I'm asking you isn't about her smile."
"You want my little girl."
His response is enough to shock me stupid. The venom in his voice says enough. He knows my 'want' is a fucking lot more complicated than that. I fucking crave her.
"I'm going to ask you again because I would really like to not have any surprises here. You do understand what you're saying ... right?"
Again, he doesn't talk. His eyes don't even blink as he continues to level me with those black orbs of intimidation.
"I've been in love with her since before it was legal to feel that way," I tell him honestly, voicing my feelings for her for the first time out loud.
One eye twitches, and on the opposite side of his face, I see his jaw tick.
"She hates me."
That gets him, and he steps up until we're chest to chest. "She doesn't hate you, you clueless fuck. She's hurt because you fucked up major. That's my baby girl, so I really don't like talking about this shit, but she's a woman and I'm not stupid. Remember. Think really fucking hard, Nate, and remember your sister's reception. Fix this shit and bring back that smile, but I warn you ... the next time you call my daughter babe, you're going to know how she felt that night before she ran off and her smile died."
What. The. Fuck.
No. That's not possible.
My breath stills in my throat when his implication hits the mark. Vivid images of that night--that dream night--hit my brain, only this time I know the same thing that's kept me up night after night has also been keeping her up, but for different reasons.
And as if that wasn't enough, I know now that her very overprotective father knows I fucked his baby girl without realizing whom I had in my arms.
"Oh fuck," I grumble.
"Yeah, oh fuck is right. You fix this and me and you ... we aren't done with this shit," he tells me with another intimidating look before turning and walking back into my parents' house.
PLACING THE LAST BRUSH BACK in its designated drawer, I look over at the sunrise landscape that I had been working on for the last two days. I study it with a critical eye and a deep exhale.
It's beautiful, stunning even, but looking at it just causes me to feel nothing but sadness when it should inflict the exact opposite.
I started with the tall maple trees lining each side of the canvas and the center focusing on the rising sun. The sun is and should be the spotlight, but for me, the grassy field that takes up the whole bottom half is. The sun's rays hitting the empty field cast an entrancing effect, as each blade appears to be glowing.
I've always had a talent at making my work look as if it was a picture rather than a painting, and this one is no different. My fingers itch to reach out and see if I could feel the light sheen of dew covering the valley between the trees.
The bright green blades look just like Nate Reid's eyes.
I know exactly why I escaped to my art after the family dinner two nights ago. Painting has always been the only thing, other than being near him, that made me feel like I was complete. An outlet that I can channel to express the feelings I never know how to separate in my jumbled thoughts. I've never been the type of girl who wants to go out every night and party.
To me, art is something I can understand when people never have been. I don't need to pretend to be someone else to get some sort of approval when I get lost in an introvert's heaven. But because of that, a loneliness I just can't shake always lingers.
I hate the knowledge that the only other time I've felt safe enough to be me outside of my painting was when things were normal between Nate and me. I never had the feeling of judgment from him. He never looked at me as if he had no clue how to deal with the shy, quiet, awkward girl.
Some people might think I'm insecure, but I'm not, even though it has taken me a while to realize that. Getting past the fear of being accepted as the weird artsy girl will probably always be with me, but I'm ready. I'm just lonesome. A little lost maybe, but I know something needs to change. I need to learn not to care what people think and live my life for me, no one else.
It doesn't take me long to tidy up my workspace now that my brushes are clean and stored in the large wooden storage chest that my dad had made for me. I'm meticulous in the order of that chest. Each paint pot, tube, and brush is stored in its labeled spot before I leave the room. When I push the last drawer closed, I run my hand across the bright teal of my name inscribed on the top of the white painted box. It's the only purposely-placed color in this whole room, aside from my canvases that is.
Of course, that chest is the only thing that's neat and tidy in this room. I deliberately decorated this room in all whites from the ceiling to the floor including every piece of furniture in here; that way, if paint spilled or transferred from me as I moved around, the room would take on a life of its own. My own little piece of living art. Little smudges on the couch, chair, and table. Splatters dance across the floor in random successions. Even a huge smear of bright red graces the center of my ceiling courtesy of a very overeager new tube of paint exploding when I tried to open a jammed top.
I can't wait until the day that this whole room is a collage of my career.
With a smile on my face, I move over to the sink and wash my hands before picking up my phone and turning it on. A few notifications start popping on the screen as the signal wakes up. I give them a quick glance, reminding myself to open the Uno with Friends app I've been obsessed with lately so I don't lose my daily accumulative rewards.
A few messages from Levi come, letting me know what time he's picking up Nikki and Seth before coming for me, but before I can open his message to reply, another one pops up.
Nate: Call me, Ember. I've been trying to get in touch with you, but I need you to work with me. Call me, text me, just do something other than continue to ignore me. Please.
Yeah, no.
After the family dinner and a pity party I'm not proud of, I decided no more stupid thoughts of something that will never be. I should have moved on and I had done a good job of that after my graduation night ... until his sister's wedding and one too many drinks.
Inhibitions and fears went out the window as old feelings and dreams started trying to mend my broken heart that night. I had been coming around the side of the house, laughing to myself about getting lost on the way back from the bathroom, when I found myself colliding with a hard body. I'm still not really sure how things progressed from there; all I knew was that my panties were on the ground and I was burning from the inside out.
Then, of course, there was the figurative bath of cold water when I realized Nate had no idea who he was pushing his hard dick inside. The next thing I knew, I was no longer in his arms as I rushed from the darkened corner blindly.
Not even wanting to think about everything that followed, I ignore his message and go to Levi's text.
Ember: Sounds good. ;) I'll be ready in an hour. See you soon!
I don't get a reply, but I didn't think I would since Levi is the worst at responding. I shoot Nikki a similar message while walking to the back door and letting an overexcited Bam in from his run in the backyard. I leave my back room to head to my bedroom and get ready for a double date night.
I look across the table at Levi and try to focus on the conversation around me. He and Seth have been going on and on about some new training program they've been on to 'bulk up.' Whatever the hell that means. Something about their muscles getting bigger ... or was it sharper? More defined? I don't know.
Nikki nudges my foot under the table, taking a sip of her beer, and rolls her eyes.
"I hit the gym twice yesterday, man. My veins looked like they were going to pop through my skin by the time I finished."
"So, Levi," Nikki interrupts him and turns her attention to the man next to me. "How are things at the fire department?"
"Good," he says, giving her a small glance before looking back across the table to Seth. "So I told Allen I would be the
re at six in the morning tomorrow to work my legs some more. Since I'm working a double this weekend, no gym time until Monday."
Nikki gives me a shrug, not really caring that she was dismissed, and we both continue to eat.
The look of displeasure that I got from Levi when I ordered pasta almost made me regret my decision, but I've never been one to shy away from a hearty Italian dish. Just because he's a health nut doesn't mean I have to be. I should be annoyed that he tries to control what I eat, but I don't really care. I'm not going to become someone else just to make him happy, even if my knee-jerk reaction is to do just that. I'm not a skinny girl, but I'm also not big. I'm just me, soft in all the right places.
"Are you sure you can't get someone to take your shift?" I ask him before taking another big bite and smiling at him when he frowns at me. He gives me one of his devastatingly handsome grins when the noodle slurps loudly, just shaking his head at me. After two months, I might still get the looks and a few comments, but he knows I'll be the last one who starts to worry about what goes in my mouth.
"Sorry, babe," he responds, and I succeed in hiding my grimace at the pet name. "I tried to get Trenton to switch, but his little sister is getting married so it was a no go."
"I can't believe you're letting her go party on her twenty-first," Seth chimes in.
"Letting her go?" Nikki questions with a harsh tone.
"Yeah, letting, Nic. I remember how wild things got at mine. Fuck, dude, there were strippers that--"
"I probably wouldn't finish that sentence." Levi laughs.
"No, please ... tell me all about the strippers, Seth," Nikki sarcastically drawls, leaning back in her seat after placing her fork down and crossing her arms over her chest.
"Seriously? What's the big deal?" Seth looks clueless as to why his girlfriend is pissed, which is sad.
"The big deal is that you probably shouldn't be talking about the strippers you had that night when your very pissed girlfriend, the same girlfriend you had three years ago during said birthday full of skank happened, is sitting next to you."
Levi and I burst out laughing at Nikki's smartass response. They continue to fight and I soak up Levi's attention as he gives me a soft, chaste kiss before returning to his meal.
Nikki pushed me toward Levi almost two months ago. I'm not sure what made me say yes, but I knew it was largely in part to the loneliness I was sick of feeling. Our first date was great. We had dinner at a local Mexican place before following that up with a movie. He left me a few hours later with my first front porch kiss experience. He was easy to be with and the relationship progressed from there.
I say relationship loosely because lately, he's been acting so weird. I think the only thing that Levi really cares about having a relationship with is his gym membership. A few other little things lately have also been making me question if being with him is the best thing for me.
Nikki and Seth continue to bicker, and I look over at Levi as my thoughts darken. He doesn't notice my attention, which is also something I've noticed a lot of lately.
He looks like such the boy next door. All-American type with the looks that could probably put him as the front cover model for J. Crew or something, but underneath is a simmering anger I've only recently been privy to. He wasn't always like this. When we first met, he was amazing, and I really had high hopes that he would be someone worth exploring a relationship with. But I'm not sure what to do with this new easily angered and controlling side of him.
"Are you excited to hit up Nate's place?" Nikki asks me, clearly done fighting with her boyfriend since she's now taking a big forkful of her own pasta with a look of pure pleasure. She doesn't notice that her question has now caused a dark cloud to settle over my side of the table.
"Who is Nate?" Levi asks her in a hard tone. His question might be directed at Nikki, but the anger is all for me.
"A friend," I tell him, ignoring him much like he's been ignoring me for most of the evening.
"What kind of friend?" His words come out sharp and forcefully.
I shrug and keep chewing. I look up when I see Nikki stop her fork's upward path to her mouth; the utensil paused halfway to her mouth as she looks at him with wide eyes, not used to seeing this side of him.
I take a fortifying breath for patience and turn so that I'm looking at him. He's so handsome, even when he's pissed. His blond hair is cut short, but long on the top. His blue eyes are narrowed, but that just makes the sharp edges of his facial features stand out more. Add the tan that I'm pretty sure he gets with the help of a tanning bed, and he really should be making my heart beat with desire.
But it doesn't.
Because it only does that for the man I can't have.
Yet another reason I can't keep dragging this on with him. It's very clear that I'm just not feeling like a girl should when she's in a relationship with one man, but still in love with another.
A cold flash of rage flickers in his eyes when I continue my silence and I shake off the chill that skirts down my spine.
What the hell was that?
"I grew up with him," I finally say, feeling the goose bumps pebble across my skin. "He's a childhood friend and nothing more," I assure him.
"Let's hope so," he says through thin lips. "How come I haven't met this friend before?" he adds.
I look back at Nikki, her fork still in the middle of its journey to her mouth; only now, half of her fettuccini is hanging off. Her eyes say it all, but then she mouths creepy, and I can't even deny it.
"We aren't that close anymore, Lev. I see him once a month during the family dinner."
"If he's close enough to attend the infamous family dinner, I would say he's someone I should have met by now," he growls through clenched teeth.
I give him what I hope is a reassuring smile, not interested in having to deal with his one of his 'dark moods' when we're in public.
"Don't be like that. I told you, I grew up with him and his parents are good friends with mine. He's just a friend." A friend I'm in love with, I silently add.
"Maybe it's finally time you took me to a family dinner then, babe. You've kept me from your family long enough, and it's time they meet the new man in your life."
I can tell he's seconds away from the rage in his voice becoming a scene, so I do the only thing I can to stop the train wreck from happening. I lie through my teeth.
"Of course, it is. Next time, I promise," I placate him.
Yeah, I'm thinking it's definitely past time I call a stop to things between Levi and myself.
Things didn't get any better from there. He returned to his meal after a good two minutes of just looking at me and breathing hard. He only talked to Seth and even that was with short and impatient responses. If Seth noticed, he didn't care. By the time I had finished my food, my head was throbbing with what promised to be one hell of a migraine, but it wasn't until the bill came that the pain exploded in a burst so painful I thought I might throw up.
"I forgot my wallet, babe, you got this," Levi tells me instead of asking, not even a small amount of shame present. He doesn't wait to hear my response before tossing his napkin on the table and standing. He looks down at Seth before jerking his chin toward the front of the restaurant.
"Here," Seth says to Nikki, handing her his wallet and standing, following behind Levi as they make their way out the door.
"Stupid son of a nutcracker," she mumbles under her breath, opening Seth's wallet and pulling out enough cash to cover both of our tabs. "Serves him right for being friends with that tool."
"Need I remind you, that tool is the same guy that you told me was my soul mate just a few months ago?"
She leans back in her seat, and I feel bad when I see her face get soft. "I know, I know. That was crazy intense, Em." She places Seth's wallet in her purse before looking back at me. "I knew he could be a jerk sometimes, what guy isn't, but I've never seen something like what just happened. That was creepy as hell. More creepy than the weirdness he's been o
ozing lately."
"I know." I sigh, rubbing my pounding temples. "He's been doing stuff like that more and more. Getting excessively controlling and possessive the last few weeks, but ever since we slept together, he's become ... well, that," I say and point toward the door.
"Has he ever--"
I stop her with a shake of my head, knowing where she's going with this. "No, Nikki. I wouldn't still be here if he had put his hands on me. I'm smarter than that," I tell her. Even though I'm reasonably sure that's the case, I know now the loneliness I had felt for so long was the only reason I had allowed things to get this far between us. Instead of me breaking things off when I first noticed how over-the-top he would get when it came to me.
"He got really mad when I brought up Nate. I figured he'd met him already. I didn't know you hadn't brought him around anyone. I mean he wasn't just mad ... he was mad. He bent his fork," she says and points at where his discarded fork is lying on the table. Sure enough, the metal is bent slightly in the middle. "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay. I don't know why you assumed he had been around Nate when I've been avoiding him for the better part of the last year. After Maddi had taken an instant dislike to him, I figured I would hold off on my parents. Look, I'm going to talk to him after this weekend. Since he's covering for someone else, he's working a double and we won't see each other until Monday."
She doesn't look happy, but she gives me a weak nod before we move from the table and walk together outside. Not surprising, Levi and Seth are already in the SUV. I can see them talking as we walk around and get in the back of his Tahoe, Levi's eyes never leaving mine until he was forced to in order to keep facing forward.
We continue our silence as we drive through town, and I'm thankful my house is on the way to Nikki's apartment, so I can avoid being alone with Levi. How I have allowed myself to get this deep in our relationship is beyond me.
