CHAPTER 41
Theo
BLOOD POUNDS IN my head, and my skin itches with an almost incessant need to crawl from this shell and inhabit a different body. I didn’t think it was possible to feel so lost and so together at the same time. To battle heart-soaring happiness, soul-crushing pain, and mind-skewing panic as if they are three parts of the same whole. But that’s how I feel in this moment. Powerful emotion crashes into me from all sides, battering me relentlessly, like an angry wave ravishing everything in its path, hell-bent on destruction, just taking and taking, until it feels like I’m drowning.
“Theo.” The bed dips as Lo joins me. “The others are gone. It’s just us.” Her silky, sultry voice swaddles me like a comfort blanket. “Please talk to me.”
Unshed tears stab the backs of my eyes, and my chest heaves as intense emotion presses down on me, constricting my airwaves, making breathing difficult. Lo places her hand gently on my arm, and that soft touch breaks the fragile walls around my heart, unravelling me. I fall apart as sobs wrack my chest, and my entire body trembles with a host of conflicting emotions.
“Oh, Theo.” Banding her arms around me, she holds me tight as I expunge years of pent-up longing, fear, and self-loathing.
I bury my face in her neck, clinging to her toned curves, allowing the heat from her body and the familiar spicy scent of her perfume to soothe me. She presses kisses into my hair, holding me close, supporting me with her empathic silence, her unspoken words.
When I’m all cried out, I finally face her, feeling both burdened and freer at the same time. I’m suffocating under a pillow of contradiction, and I can’t clear the haze from my brain long enough to make sense of everything churning inside me.
“Baby.” She brushes knotted strands of hair away from my face. “Please talk to me. What is going through that beautiful, compassionate, intelligent mind?” Cupping my face, she dots tiny kisses all over my chin and cheeks.
“My head is a mess,” I admit in a hoarse voice, my throat scratchy from crying. “I’m feeling too fucking much.” I gulp over the lump in my throat.
“Do you regret it?” she tentatively asks, caressing my face with her fingers.
I immediately shake my head. “No. No, I don’t.” I can’t regret something I’ve craved for years or deny that it more than lived up to my expectations. The act itself isn’t the issue. It’s the aftermath of wild, uncontrollable emotion I’m struggling with.
“Then what?” Compassion shimmers in her eyes. “Did it hurt? Or you didn’t like it or…”
“Fuck, no. It was …” I’m struggling to find the right words to describe all that I’m feeling, but I’m not sobbing on this bed like a basket case because Caz hurt me or I didn’t enjoy it.
Lo and I experimented a lot when we were together, and she’s used dildos, butt plugs, beads, vibrators, and prostate massagers on me. Tools I’ve continued using by myself because I wanted to be prepared to seize the opportunity if it arose. “I liked it. A lot,” I truthfully admit, because nothing compares to a warm, hard, real dick sliding in and out of my ass. Or the guy in charge of it, ensuring he took care to make it enjoyable for me. Honestly, I wouldn’t have wanted any other guy taking me for the first time but Caz.
This confusion isn’t physical. It’s emotional and psychological. My brain is clear enough to figure that part out.
Her shoulders relax, and she smiles. “So, it was a good experience?” Lo gently probes my troubled mind.
“Yes. He made it good for me, and he made sure I came too.”
“Then what’s the problem?” She threads her fingers in mine, and her touch helps to ground me.
“I wasn’t expecting to feel so much,” I croak, rubbing a hand across the tightness in my chest. “And it hit me all at once, almost knocking me off my feet.”
“That’s kind of understandable.” She looks contemplative. “You’ve thought about this, fantasized about this, for a long time, Theo.”
“So why did I freak out?” I look to her for answers I can’t find. “Why did I shut down?” The look on Caz’s face when I pushed him away, as he reached to hug me after we’d fucked, will stay with me for a long time. He was devastated, and I hate that I did that to him. That I ruined what was an otherwise perfect moment.
“Only you can answer that, Theo.” Lo widens her legs, gesturing for me to sit in front of her. I move into position, nestling between her long, slim legs, leaning my bare back against her naked chest. Resting my head against her collarbone, I sigh as her fingers wind into my hair, massaging my scalp. “You know I’m a judgment-free zone, Theo. Try to relax and just tell me the thoughts in your head. We’ll figure this out together.”
Reaching up, I clasp her wrist, angling my head so I’m looking at her. “I love you, Lo. For so many things and in so many ways, but this right here is one of the biggest reasons. I’m not sure I’d have even gotten to this point if it wasn’t for you.”
She leans down, pressing a tender kiss to my lips. “Sure, you would have. It might’ve taken a little longer, but you’d have gotten there.”
I twist my head, staring straight ahead, trying to untangle the thoughts in my head as Lo gives me a scalp massage. “I’ve never been so exposed. Stripped bare in every sense of the word,” I admit after a few minutes of amicable silence. “I feel…vulnerable. Uncomfortable in my skin, yet comfortable at the same time, and proud of myself for trusting him like that.”
Lo’s fingers drag through my hair, kneading my scalp, and I close my eyes for a moment, enjoying the sensation.
“Let’s unscramble that, because there’s a lot beneath the surface of that sentence.” She stops kneading my scalp, angling my chin up with her fingers. “Is it true you’ve never been that exposed before? That you’ve never passed trust over to another?”
I don’t have to think about it for long to understand what she’s getting at. “I did that with you.”
She nods, still holding my chin as her eyes penetrate mine. “You trusted me enough to let me use all manner of sex toys on you. You even let me fuck you with a strap-on a few times. Yet you only knew me for a few months. You’ve known Caz for years.”
“I feel like a fraud,” I admit in a whisper.
“Why?”
“Because I still don’t know who I am or what I am.”
Her lips purse, and heat flares in her eyes. “This better not be about labels, Theo, because we’ve already had this discussion. You are you.” She slides her hand down to my chest. “One of the smartest, kindest, most loyal people I know.”
“You forgot sexiest,” I quip.
Her lips kick up. “That goes without saying.” Her smile softens. “We are who we are at any given moment in time, but it’s always evolving, because that’s in our nature. And we’re only at the start of this journey called life.”
“I love how you own who you are. No apologies or fucks given,” I admit.
“That.” She prods my chest. “That is exactly what I’m talking about. I knew that Theo one time. A boy who was excited to explore possibilities. What’s changed?”
I dig deep to unroot the truth I’ve always known these past couple of years. “My parents are in my head. They cast me away for being me. Maybe that’s when I stopped owning who I was and the image of who I wanted to be.”
“Fuck those motherfucking assholes,” Lo hisses, fire dancing in her eyes. “They are such hypocrites. They defied your mom’s parents for love, but now their heads are so far up their asses they can’t see how they are doing to you what her parents tried to do to them.”
It’s a true assessment. A truth I’ve told myself many times, but their words cut deep, slicing at the very core of who I was becoming. “The logical part of my brain agrees with you, but there’s an innate part of me that thinks everyone else will react the same if I show them who I truly am.”
“I know who you are. So do the guys. And we all love you for being you. We will support you, no matter what. No questions a
sked.”
“Is that why Saint and Galen haven’t said one word to me?” I’ve seen the knowing looks these past few weeks, confirming they’ve seen the attraction between Caz and me. I expected Saint to come knocking on my door, but their silence has been deafening.
“Like me, they didn’t want to interfere,” Lo says, adding, “unlike me, they’re not so comfortable speaking about feelings and emotions.”
“This will complicate things.” It already has.
“We’ll uncomplicate it.” She shrugs as if it’s that simple. “Together. Like we have with every other situation we’ve faced.” Pressing her lips to my cheek, she adds. “I’m sensing there’s more.”
“I’m scared. Everything I’ve ever wanted is within reach. I have you, and maybe him, and a real shot at happiness. What if the reality doesn’t live up to the fantasy?”
“We make our own reality, Theo. Others may try to control us, but they don’t. Why can’t you make your fantasy your new reality?”
Man, she really does make it sound so simple. I’m not naïve. I know it’s not. But Lo is helping me knock down the obstacles, one at a time, and my heart is already steadier, a serene sort of calmness lapping at the embers inside me, helping me feel more like me.
“What if I’m no good at it? What if I fuck everything up for all of us?”
A mischievous glint shines from her eyes. “Trust me, you have this sex thing nailed down tight.” She presses her mouth to my ear, and her warm breath raises goose bumps all over my skin. “You’re a fucking God in the bedroom, Theo. You just need to believe in yourself.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” I grin, sitting up, the scalp massage long since forgotten. “And you may be biased because we were always straight fire between the sheets.”
“Just so you know, you’re making me wet, and I didn’t get off because someone I love had a bit of a meltdown before I got there.”
I clasp her hip. “Don’t worry, my queen. I’ll make sure you’re looked after once I complete the meltdown mode.” A shuddering sigh releases from my mouth, as I let go of everything tethering me to fear. “But I wasn’t talking about sex. We’re building something special here, Lo. Something permanent and long-lasting because you’re our forever and we are yours. I don’t want to fuck that up.”
“You can’t carry that burden entirely on your shoulders, Theo. You aren’t responsible for our happiness. We’re each responsible for our own happiness. And we’re a team. We’ll figure this out together.”
“My dad said I ruin everything. That I’m a massive disappointment,” I admit, hearing the words in my ears as if he’s here whispering them to me. “What if he’s right? What if I ruin this?”
Holding my shoulders, she repositions us so we’re facing one another. “Fuck your dad. He’s an asshole for planting that doubt, and he’s wrong. You could never be a disappointment. Never.” She cups my face, inspecting my eyes as understanding sweeps across her features. “That’s why you like to be in control. Why you are always planning and organizing and making sure everything is in place. To ensure nothing goes wrong. To prove your value.” She lowers her voice. “Am I right?” I nod, because deep down inside, I know that’s the truth. “Do you feel in control now?” she asks.
I snort out a laugh. “I’ve never felt less in control.”
“Then it’s no wonder you’re scared. I don’t think this is about Caz at all. Not really.”
Slowly, the last of the fog clears as her words penetrate deep. “I want to live my life freely. But that’s the antithesis of control, so how do I marry the two?”
She shakes her head, and her breasts jiggle with the movement. Lust stirs in my loins, and my cock starts thickening, only now remembering we’re both naked, on a giant bed, with the heady scent of sex still permeating the air. “I don’t agree,” Lo says. “You can be free and still be in control. Isn’t that what freedom is? Having control over your life to live it as you please?”
I know exactly what I need to do. Scrambling off the bed, I extend my hand to her. “I need to talk to Caz. I want you there.”
Slowly, she crawls off the bed until she’s standing beside me. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk to him alone?”
“Yes. You are the center of our world, and if Caz and I are to have any kind of relationship, we need to work out how to do that without affecting what we share with you.”
I pull on sweats, and Lo pulls Saint’s T-shirt on over her head. It hits her mid-thigh, and she looks hot as hell with her sex-tousled hair and those gorgeous long legs I daydream about. Reeling her into my chest, I plant a passionate kiss on her lips, holding her close. When our lips part, I press my forehead to hers. “Thank you.”
“I didn’t do anything but coax the truth from your mind.” Her hands land on my hips.
“You did more than that, and you know it.” Lifting one of her hands, I bring it to my lips, placing a kiss on her knuckles. “You’ve been my anchor for a long time, Lo.”
“As you are mine.” Stretching up, she kisses my mouth. “And I’m excited for you. Your happiness means the world to me. Same for Caz, Galen, and Saint.”
“You’re truly okay with this?”
She nods vigorously, her smile expanding. “So much, yes. I tried to respect your privacy, but I sneaked a few glimpses, and the two of you fucking was like my every fantasy come to life.” She nips at my jawline. “So. Fucking. Hot.” My answering smile is so wide it threatens to split my face in two. “I tried to persuade Saint and Galen to hop aboard the D-train, but they shut that shit down pretty fast.”
I throw back my head, laughing. “Yeah, no. That will never happen.” I love the Lennox cousins, but I’m not attracted to them sexually or romantically. Not in the way I am drawn to Lo and Caz.
“Come on. Let’s go put Caz out of his misery.” She tugs on my arm, and a last-minute bout of nerves attacks me.
“I hope I haven’t fucked it up before it’s even begun. He was so hurt.”
“Just be honest with him. Caz loves you, and he’s probably as scared as you are for a lot of the same reasons.”
“I never want to hurt him.”
“I know, babe.” She laces her fingers in mine. “Let’s go tell him.”
We walk downstairs, but the place is empty. Galen and Saint have made themselves scarce, so I figure they have relocated to the workout barn to give us space to work through this. Ascending the stairs on the other side of the barn, we find Caz lying on his side on his bed, staring off into space.
I clear my throat. “Caz. Can we talk?”
Slowly, he turns his head in our direction, examining my face carefully. He nods, hauling himself into a seated position with his back against the headrest. He’s wearing clean black boxer briefs that cling to his shapely hips, mold against his cock, and hug his muscular thighs, leaving little to the imagination. Carved abs that look painted on, chiseled shoulders, and rippling biceps complete the tempting package, and I’ve never been more attracted to any guy in my life.
Lo crawls up the bed beside him, leaning her head on his shoulder, while I perch on the side of the bed in front of him. “I’m sorry for pushing you away. I got all up in my head, and I freaked.”
Pain tightens his features. “Do you regret it? Did I…hurt you?” He chokes out the words, and I hate he’s been beating himself up over something that’s entirely my fault.
“No.” I slide my hand in his. “Not at all. It was everything I had hoped for and more. That’s the problem.”
His brow puckers, but he doesn’t pull his hand away. “I’m not following.”
Lo lifts her head from his shoulder, rubbing his arm as she smiles encouragingly at me.
Nerves prickle my skin, but I open myself up, exposing my vulnerability, because I owe him at least that much. “I’m scared, man. Of feeling too much. Of fucking everything up. Of hurting you. Of getting my heart broken.” The words rush out in quick succession, but at least I got them out.
“Theo.” He sits forward, palming one side of my face. “You think I don’t feel those things too?”
“You do?” I’m surprised because nothing seems to faze Caz. He owns who he is, and he’s fearlessly brave.
“I do, because this is you.” He grips the back of my neck, staring into my eyes. “I want you as more than just a friend. I love you as more than just a friend. But I don’t want to fuck things up either, because I can’t lose you.”
Lo swipes at the tears pooling in her eyes as I lean forward, pressing my forehead to Caz’s. “We can be scared together,” I whisper over his mouth, peering into his warm, honest brown eyes. “And I love you too,” I add before my lips meld against his.
CHAPTER 42
Harlow
“CAN I TALK to you both?” Theo asks Saint and Galen the following morning as we eat breakfast at the table.
Saint squirms on his seat. “If this is about last night, you don’t need to say anything.”
“We’re cool with it,” Galen adds. “As long as you’ve worked your shit out.”
“You’re seriously okay with it?” Theo asks, color blooming in his cheeks.
Caz is grinning from ear to ear, contributing nothing to the conversation, spooning cereal into his mouth while he watches it going down.
“Yup.” Saint slurps coffee from a mug.
“It’s not like it was a big secret,” Galen adds, stuffing the last piece of toast into his mouth. “We could tell you were hot for each other.” The words are muffled over his chewing, but the sentiment is clear.
Caz stands, rounding the table and clamping his hand down on Theo’s shoulder. “They’re cool with PDAs and live porn reenactments too. In case you were wondering.”
Theo’s cheeks get redder while Saint spits coffee all over the table.
“You’re such a shit-stirrer,” Galen says, licking his bowl clean. “Pun intended.” He waggles his brows, his mouth stretched into the biggest grin.
“Okay.” Saint stands abruptly, throwing his hands up. “Enough. We’re cool for you to do your thing. End of story.”
The Sainthood : A Dark High School Romance (The Complete Series) Page 86
