“In the beginning, I wanted to keep her for myself. I thought we could fight the bond together. The things I did to keep us together.” I see his jaw grind at his back molars. He doesn’t look at me but out the window. I can’t eat the rest of my soup, so I lay the spoon next to the bowl.
“We hurt a lot of wolves, Kennedy and me. A lot. Now she’s gone and I’m left here.” He looks around the table. It’s empty. Everything inside feels shrine-like empty, hollow even.
“I brought you letters. I wish I could say I didn’t read every single one. I did. I wish I didn’t.” I push the package to the middle of the table. He doesn’t move to take them. He just stares with his head down.
“I got the twins, and now you have her letters.”
“Thank you, Cash.” Again the palms of his hands push into his eyes.
“I need to thank you for your patience with me. I made it difficult for you. I’m sorry about showing up any time I wanted on your territory. You could have killed me. You didn’t.” My turn to look down at the bowl of soup.
“Your family has been kind to me, too kind. I just couldn’t do that to them. Plus there were times that I wanted to go to your pack unannounced and talk with Dallas.” His eyes dilate, his nose flares, and his spine straightens.
“Don’t do that. Dallas will fucking kill you.”
“I’m not afraid of Dallas. I wouldn’t do that to Rya. That’s why I won’t go. Plus it wouldn’t change anything. She has a life, a family. It wouldn’t change anything.” He lets the rest of the air out of his lungs, and his eyes meet mine.
“I’m not going to be coming back here when I leave. I want you to know that. I’m done.”
“Good, because there is nothing left for you here. You have everything where you live. This place is only filled with ghosts, nothing more. And ghosts aren’t real.” Clayton pushes away another tear.
“We were breaking up. That’s the sad part. We weren’t going to be the ones to make it. What we did, what I did, was for nothing. When Rya came back, I couldn’t fight it. The Wild wouldn’t tolerate Kennedy around him anymore. I loved her, I didn’t want to hurt her, but I couldn’t fight the bond to Rya. I told Kennedy everything. She didn’t understand.” Clayton picks up his bowl and mine, putting them in the sink. He stands there with hands clenched around the edges.
“I still love her. I’m sorry, but even after everything, I still love Kennedy, and she won’t be forgotten.” His edges blur with a few shedding tears that I wipe quickly away. It doesn’t hurt as much to hear him say it.
Grief-stricken eyes fall on mine when he turns himself around. Something burns up my throat.
“I could have loved Kennedy more.” Clayton stays silent, his lips pressing hard together.
“Do you need anything else, Cash?”
“Nope, I think I’m done here,” I reply, standing.
“Good.” Clayton goes to the back door and opens it.
A bee flies in, and Clayton is quick to shoo it back outside. “I have a beehive over there, and they always want to come inside.”
I look in the direction he’s pointing, and the entire backyard is something even Rya would be impressed with. A garden from a magazine stares back at me.
“You’ve got a nice garden.”
“Thanks, it gives me something to do, and my little sister sells the produce at our stand down the road. It gives her a little extra cash.”
There’s a pause from him before he lets the screen door close.
“Thanks for bringing the letters.”
“They’re yours. I just couldn’t bring them sooner.”
“I understand.”
“I always thought you didn’t understand, but I know you do.”
“I do understand.” His voice is rough, dragging up his throat to come out slightly mumbled. He takes a slow breath in.
“I just need to put this all away now. It’s time for me to give those letters up.”
“Is it easy?”
“Easy?”
“To put it all away.”
My stomach twists. “No, it’s not easy.”
“Uncle Clay.” A pup runs with arms spread as fast as he can into the now-open arms of Clayton.
“Max.” The pup is tossed high in the air, only to be caught and given a hug with nose nudges into his neck before he puts him down on the ground.
“Where’s your mother?”
“Coming.” The pup runs to the dock; it looks new.
That island is easy to see from here. It sits solitary, surrounded by water.
“Can we go for a canoe ride, Uncle Clay?”
“Did you eat yet?”
“No.”
“Eat first, then we can go.” The pup jumps up and runs with his arms pumping into the house.
“Clay, we’re all out of tomatoes and onions.” Kimberly freezes when she sees me then looks into the house with teeth bared.
“Clayton.”
“It’s okay, Cash is leaving. He had to drop something off for me.”
Kimberly looks weary, fists clenched as if she’s ready to fight me again. She’s an overprotective little sister who will stand tall with her brother, no matter if she’s going to bleed from it.
“Hi, Kimberly.” I shove my hands deep in my pockets. No threat. No teeth. No more fighting.
“Hi, Cash.” I think this is the first time we have ever said hi to the other.
“Max is getting big.” She smiles when I say this. It’s not a big smile, just something simple that pulls at her edges.
“He is.” She’s still wary but has settled her ridge fur down.
“So what’s going on? You guys are friends now?” She looks at Clayton and me.
“No,” both of us say at the same time.
“I won’t be back. I just wanted to drop off something and I’m gone.” I can tell her eyes don’t believe me.
“Goodbye.” I turn toward Clayton.
“Bye, Cash.”
We don’t hug; we don’t shake hands. I just turn and walk away with a promise not to come back here. Ever.
Letter 15
Dear Clayton,
I don’t know how many times I start this and stopped. Nothing seems right. I don’t know where to begin. So I want to begin with I love you.
I’ve always loved you. Only you. No one else.
I painted a picture of our Island, how I remember it. I want you to have it.
That was the best time of my life. I’m not sure anything can compare to that spot, that place, who we were there.
The first time we went there alone was when we were eight and made a fort in the pines. Do you remember that? We had a fire and pretended that’s where we lived. When we were older, it became our refuge from the world, our parents, on that island. That’s the first place we kissed; it’s the first place we gave ourselves to each other.
I’ve been remembering so much about that island. It was ours; no one can take that time away from us. No one.
I feel as if I am sinking, drowning, and all that I can hold onto now is the memory of our island. I feel guilty having his pups inside me and not ours.
I feel guilty for wanting him and that you are becoming a memory on an island that I can’t stop thinking about. This is so screwed up, but I know what you were talking about now about the bond. It’s hard to look away even when you want to. It’s hard to fight against it.
Our love was never meant to leave bite marks and bruises in other wolves’ skin, but it did, didn’t it? I was selfish, Clayton. So very very selfish to try and keep your love all to myself.
I thought by having Kimberly have a pup that our love would stay just between you and me. I was wrong about that. So very wrong. You told me pups weren’t important to you, and I cried and told you how important they were to me. I put your sister in danger and that wasn’t love, was it?
In the end, our love hurts everyone, including ourselves.
I’m dying, Clayton. I can feel myself every day slipping away.
I’m tired and don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to do anything but close my eyes and rest for a while. You might think it’s selfish that the twins will grow up without a mother, but I think it’s selfless to give them a chance in this life without someone like me. My love is poison. It made me do things I never thought I’d do for love.
You tried to tell me about the bond, but I wouldn’t listen to you. I thought you could fight harder against it; I thought you were stronger. I had faith in you, and you tried to tell me, but I was selfish because I couldn’t let you go.
I knew you loved me, and now I know what you went through. I love you, Clayton, but I can’t stop thinking about Cash. I can’t stop wanting to feel him or have him feel me, but I love you. Now I understand it all. All those years you had to fight against something as natural as breathing for me, for us. And in the end, I understand it all, and it makes me love you even more.
You tried so hard and I never understood that fight.
I’ve stopped dreaming about you. It’s been months now, but I can’t get our island out of my head. If I could go back in time, would I do it all over again? Maybe.
It feels as if I’m being swallowed down by something rotten. I feel as if I stink of rot and leave ruin in my wake. This family tolerates me, but they don’t love me, and I don’t blame them at all. I’m a stranger here; I refuse to make myself anything more than that. Why? Because it’s easier that way for everyone. It’s easier to move on from a stranger than a friend.
Caleb called and said that Rya left your pack today to go her own way, and I know that you have fallen in love with her. I knew it as soon as I heard that you let her go. You let me go, and now you let her go.
Don’t feel guilty for loving her. It can’t be helped. You fought too long.
I’m going to be nothing more than a memory that will fade in time, and you are going on with your life. I’ll only be remembered in pieces, in bits of things, and it kills me inside, because in the most selfish way possible, I want you to remember me on our island together. That’s the person I want you to remember. That’s how I want to be remembered by you, on our island free of the world, while we played in our own world.
When I think of you, I think of our island now—those were the best days of my life.
You gave me my best days.
I love you, Clayton, and I’m selfish because I can’t let you go. I don’t know, maybe it’s different for females; we might have a harder time letting things go, letting our love go?
When you finally had the real talk with me underneath the apple tree, I was on my knees begging you not to do this, to fight harder. I was begging you not to do this to us. You broke my heart that day. I knew it was coming. I knew it, even before Rya showed back up in the pack. It was going down that path. I didn’t want to see our end. I tried stopping the inevitable. I tried stalling the end of us. That was wrong. I just couldn’t let you go. I wasn’t ready for the breakup. I wasn’t ready not to have you in my life anymore. I wasn’t ready to be alone without you. You’ve always been there; I don’t remember a time you weren’t there. We always walked side by side, even as pups. We were a team, and I wasn’t ready for all of it to end.
Now my end is coming near, and I feel prepared. In a strange way, I’m calm. I can handle death, but I couldn’t handle losing you.
I’m afraid you’re going to be able to handle losing me, and it kills me inside, but I understand it. You already gave me up without any kind of fight. I’m sure you’re finding a way to finally breathe again. I know I was choking you in the end, and now the noose around your neck is gone.
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Love, Kennedy
Chapter 16
Hands are Meant to Feel
It starts with Cassius entering the house, and everyone goes quiet. Even the twins stop running toward him. He’s shadowed to me, a big blur that isn’t in focus.
It ends with Caleb saying, “Brother,” and embracing him in a long hug.
“I didn’t recognize you at first.”
“I didn’t, either,” Cassius says back to him.
“Hey, it’s your dad.” The shadow of Cassius bends down, and the twins are reluctant to get closer. Dee moves faster than Ken, who still holds an exaggerated limp.
“What happened to your knee?” There’s a lowered tone of concern to Cassius.
“The goose got him, but killer, over there, got the goose,” Caleb answers because the twins aren’t making a sound.
“Specs, you killed the goose?” He sounds surprised.
“The Wild murdered it. Only the feathers are left,” Caleb growls low in his throat.
“I’ve always hated that goose, it was too aggressive around the kids, but Rya insisted she needed a guardian for the chickens.”
“I can’t believe you killed that goose.” Cassius seems shocked by the news.
“Feel my face. It’s me, Dee.” I can see a blur of movement as the twins get closer. “See? It’s your dad, just without hair. Like Ken.”
I pause, feeling the beat of my heart in my throat. Each beat pulsing harder, faster, my ears fill with the sound of rushing blood. He’s shaved his head. How I wish I could see him right now. See what he looks like without the layers of hair that hide his face.
“Specs, where’s your glasses?”
There is a pause, and I open my mouth, but words are trapped like spit under my tongue that gets swallowed down with a now-closed mouth.
“Battle wounded, the frame broke.” Caleb uses his voice.
“Specs’ Wild killed the goose,” Ken says really loud.
“Did she? Well, the goose had it coming. Let me see your knee.” Cassius seems to kneel down on the floor while Ken gets closer, limps harder now.
“His leg isn’t broken. Dallas said it’s normal for kids that age to limp around for a little while after the injury takes place.”
“That’s a cool Band-Aid.” I hear Cassius place a kiss to Ken’s knee.
“How was Vegas?”
“I’ll tell you later…” Cassius pauses. “Thanks for watching them. Are you guys ready to go home? I’m tired.” Cassius pulls up to his full height. I stand. All of our stuff is at the door.
“Clayton said you came by and dropped off some letters for him.”
“That’s the last time I go there, Caleb. It’s the last time going there.”
“I believe you this time.”
He helps Ken get on his shoes, and Dee does it herself. She’s more independent. Once she knows how to do something, she won’t allow anyone else to do it for her.
“You have everything?” Cassius seems to be speaking to me, so I nod yes.
The kids run toward his truck, and I get to hold onto Cassius’s shirt. He’s slow leading the way to the truck, mentioning a dip in the driveway, to be careful. He opens the door, and before I get in, he fixes the strap of my dress that’s fallen past my shoulder. His finger slides up slowly, almost deliberately slow. His hand raises up to my neck until he curls a piece of hair around my ear before pulling his fingers quickly away. He clears his throat.
He has leaned in. I can almost feel his chest against mine. “New dress?” He takes my bags out of my hands, not saying another word. He shuts the door as soon as I’m seated. I can hear him buckle up the kids’ car seats.
“How was your trip, Daddy?”
“Good. How was your sleepover with Uncle Caleb? What did you do?”
Dee talks the entire time; Ken doesn’t say much. She tells him about the murder of the goose, about how Ken needed two Band-Aids for his boo-boo, and about me sleeping in my big girl bed.
I want to say if he can change, I should too. I don’t, and I feel a hand on my shoulder with a squeeze of flesh before those fingers fall away. I can still feel the warmth of his palm as we pull into the driveway.
“You slept in your own bed, Specs?”
I keep looking forward, not at him, and nod my head yes.
“Wow, we have a lot to t
alk about tonight.” I can’t tell him that I woke up all night long with pressure around my neck and the screams of him in my ear.
When he parks the truck, the kids get out first. He carries all the bags, and I walk a little behind him.
It’s quiet when we get inside. I wish I could see their faces. I know they are both hugging him to them. I can hear a muffled cry with a lot of throat clearing.
“We have a lot to talk about, Cash.” Luna Grace talks low, and I head upstairs. It’s family time, and I’m not going to intrude on what they want to ask Cassius in private.
Letter 16
Dear Clayton,
You were the wolf I loved, you were the only one that I ever wanted, and I think it ate me alive. Everything consumed me, and I wanted to keep everything to myself. I think that’s where it all went wrong.
I got selfish, greedy, and didn’t want to let you go when we should have let each other go.
I refused to hear anything anyone was saying. I refused to see the way my friends started to leave me when they met their mates. I refused to listen to them. I refused to listen to anyone because I knew deep down they were right. I just refused to listen because our love was real; we were the ones that were going to make it to the very end. I sacrificed for loving you, I knew we couldn’t have our own children, and I told myself that was all right. I told myself our love was enough for me.
You were worth all my sacrifice.
Now, I’m pregnant with twins from my mate, and all I want to think about is you. It’s so hard to let you go.
Cash gave me a choice. He said that if I want to, I could go back to you. He told me that he would let me go, but he keeps the kids. He’s giving me an out. I think it’s more so I start trying to live, to fight harder to stay alive. I think he’s trying to goal set for me.
I’m not going to survive the birth. I already know. My Wild died inside me; she’s gone. There is nothing but this ever-extending hollowness in my chest.
Given the choice, I would pick staying with Cash than going back to you.
A little each day I’m able to connect the pieces my love for you has left me in. It was small at first, like waking up without crying because I was without you. I could eat things without everything reminding me of you. Tastes, smells, sounds aren’t as triggering as they once were.
Cassius (The Wildflower Series Book 3) Page 13
