by Darcy Burke
Sarah didn’t take a sip before saying, “I’m glad you’re here. I have so much to tell you.”
Lavinia did take a sip of her sherry. “You seemed to be brimming with news when I saw you briefly after we arrived earlier. I own I am surprised to see how improved you are. Improved and, dare I say, happy.” She took Sarah’s hand and gave it a brief squeeze.
Was she improved? Definitely. Was she happy? She certainly wasn’t as weighed down with sadness as she’d been. And that was due to Felix. “It’s Felix.”
“Of course it is,” Lavinia said. “He’s the master of cheer and diversion. If anyone could help you navigate this time, it’s him. What has he been doing to distract you and Anthony?”
Sarah blinked at her. “Kissing me. Touching me. Doing unspeakable things to me.”
Lavinia’s eyes widened, and she squeezed Sarah’s hand again but this time didn’t let go. “What is happening?” She leaned forward, her lips parted in anticipation. “Are you in love?”
The question stopped Sarah cold. She hadn’t thought about emotion. Because she’d purposely shoved all emotion to the recesses of her mind. “I don’t know,” she said quietly. “And I don’t think I want to contemplate it.” When Lavinia opened her mouth to speak, Sarah spoke over her. “What would be the use in loving Felix? The emotion would never be reciprocated.”
Lavinia pursed her lips and let go of Sarah, easing back. “True.” She swore softly. “Why do some men have to be so terrible?”
“He’s not terrible,” Sarah said with a hint of a smile. “But he can be rather stubborn. Twice now he’s…given me pleasure—”
“Have you had sex?”
“Not that specifically, no.” Sarah now took the opportunity to take a long drink of sherry. She felt as though she needed fortification. “He used his hand and his…mouth.”
Lavinia’s brows arched, and the corner of her mouth ticked up. “Well done, Felix,” she murmured. “And how was it?”
“Should we really be discussing this?”
“Of course. All women do.”
“You don’t discuss it with me—not like this.” She’d satisfied Sarah’s questions about what happened between men and women, husbands and wives, but she hadn’t elaborated as to how it had felt.
Lavinia’s cheeks heated to a dull pink. “I didn’t want to get into specifics since you weren’t wed.”
“I’m not wed now.”
“Don’t be obtuse. You know what I’m getting at. Why tell you how wonderful it is to be with a man when you aren’t with a man? It seems unkind.”
Sarah could understand that. “It was lovely.”
“Lovely?”
“And wild.” It was Sarah’s turn to blush. “And I am desperate to do it again.”
“Then I would say Felix is definitely doing it right. Though I wouldn’t have doubted it, given his reputation.”
As a rake.
“You said he was stubborn,” Lavinia prompted. “Before I interrupted.” She gave Sarah a sheepish smile.
Sarah was used to Lavinia’s…conversational exuberance. “He hasn’t let me reciprocate.”
“Ah, I see. Have you offered?”
“Of course I have. But he always says it’s about me, not him.” She rolled her eyes. “He’s long been too focused on pleasing everyone around him. I’m not sure he knows how to allow others to do the same for him.”
“You mean to ensure he does.”
Sarah nodded, then winced. “However, I have no idea what to do.”
Lavinia’s lips spread in a wicked, conspiratorial smile. “Well, I can help you with that.”
Sarah relaxed back against the settee. “Thank goodness.” She sipped her sherry and awaited Lavinia’s advice.
“Do you want to marry him?” Lavinia asked.
“No.” She hadn’t thought about it because it wasn’t even an option—not with Felix. “Felix won’t ever marry.”
“Do you still plan to?”
“Yes.” She narrowed her eyes at Lavinia. “Why does any of this matter?”
“You can’t very well have sex with Felix if you plan to marry.”
Sarah snorted. “I should remain a virgin for my husband while it is all but likely he has not?”
Lavinia’s nose wrinkled as if she’d smelled something noxious. “That is the generally accepted norm.”
“Do women really do that?” Sarah asked. “Were you a virgin when you wed Beck?”
“Er, no. But I was when we lay together the first time. And that was the day we became betrothed. Fanny and I discussed this the other day. She admitted she had sexual intercourse with David before they were betrothed.” Lavinia shook her head. “But our circumstances are very different. You know Felix won’t marry you, so why risk your future marriage?”
Sarah stuck her tongue between her lips and blew to make a noise of disgust. “Whether I have sex with him or not isn’t something I want to debate. I merely wanted advice on how to give him pleasure. However, if you’d rather counsel me on morality, I shall manage on my own.”
Lavinia exhaled. “My apologies. You are my dearest friend. I am only looking out for your future—and your feelings. It doesn’t seem as though you are allowing emotion into this liaison.”
“Love. I’m not allowing love. I do care for Felix.” Sarah set her sherry glass on the table beside the settee. “I never imagined something like this could have happened between us,” she said softly, trying to think of how they’d arrived at this place. It was because of her parents’ dying, because of her grief. Uneasiness crept over Sarah.
“We never really talked about Guess the Kisser at Darent Hall,” Lavinia said slowly, her gaze probing.
“No, because my parents were murdered and such conversation seemed rather trivial.” It still was. The melancholy that had ruled Sarah’s mind for so many weeks tried to take command once more.
Lavinia nodded solemnly, and they were quiet a moment. At length, she said, “I take it Guess the Kisser changed everything between you and Felix?”
More than she ever could have imagined. Not that she’d even imagined. Kissing Felix had never entered her mind. “Yes.”
“I assumed it would. Unless the kiss was terrible.” Lavinia laughed softly, giving Sarah some much-needed levity. “Although that would have changed things too. Can you imagine if he’d had terrible breath? Or if he hadn’t known how to kiss?”
Sarah grinned. “Or if he’d smelled bad, like rotting fish, perhaps.”
They giggled, and Sarah felt much better. She was so glad to have her friend here.
Lavinia sipped her sherry once more. “But the kiss was exceptional, of course.”
“Of course.”
“But then… Well, never mind. Did anything happen in London?”
Sarah shook her head. “Not until we came here. It seemed to be this…thing between us. So we talked about it and tried to pretend it never happened.”
Lavinia’s brown eyes sparkled. “I can see how well that worked.”
“Yes, quite. We did try. It’s difficult when you’re in a dark grotto that reminds you of a dark closet where you kissed for the first time.” When Sarah had greeted Lavinia and Beck that afternoon, she’d told them that she and Felix had just come from Scott’s Grotto. She and Felix had told Lavinia all about the wonderful rocks and fossils embedded in the tunnels.
“I completely understand.” Her gaze took on a determined glint. “I can see there are other reasons I must visit this marvel.”
Sarah laughed softly. “Then perhaps we won’t accompany you. I’ll be sure to tell you where to go.”
“I would appreciate that, thank you.” Lavinia straightened and took a deep breath. “Well, if I’m to educate you on pleasing Felix, we should get to it before they barge in.”
Sarah stiffened her spine and turned her full attention to Lavinia, eager to hear what she had to say. “Yes, do tell.”
Casting his line back into the pond, Felix shifted his weight
to his other foot. The movement was punctuated with an odd sound.
“Is Anthony snoring?” Beck asked, glancing back toward the blanket spread beneath the large oak tree.
“Seems to be.” Felix tilted his head back and squinted up at the bright late-morning sky.
Beck stifled a yawn. “We were up late playing cards.”
“It wasn’t that late.” Felix suspected Anthony wasn’t sleeping well. His eyes looked a bit haggard, and Felix often caught him yawning.
“True. I was up later, however.” His gaze was focused on his line in the pond, but his mouth curled into a satisfied smile.
“I do not want to hear about your bedroom activities.”
“Who said they took place in a bedroom?”
Felix chuckled, looking toward Beck, who was now grinning. “I’m glad to know Stag’s Court is so accommodating. Or arousing.”
“Or both.” A moment later, Beck sent him a quick glance. “Sounds as though it’s been the same for you.”
Bloody fucking hell. Felix snapped his head around to make sure Anthony was still asleep. How did Beck know about his activities with Sarah? Maybe he didn’t and was just making an assumption. Felix decided to pretend he was ignorant. “What are you talking about?”
“I wondered if you’d prefer to act as though there was nothing going on. I can understand given the circumstances.”
He knew. Felix exhaled. “How did you find out? And keep your voice down in case Anthony wakes up.”
“Sarah told Lavinia, and Lavinia told me. We don’t keep secrets in our marriage.”
Yes, their union was disgustingly perfect. It was astonishing to Felix, who had grown up with the absolute worst example of marriage one could witness. That one of his closest friends had married so well pleased Felix, but, if he were honest, he wasn’t sure he expected their harmony to last.
He suddenly thought of the Dartfords, who’d been married for a couple of years and still seemed quite happy and in love. Felix decided they were an aberration too. Plus, the relationship was young and would likely cool.
His mind returned to Sarah and her loose tongue. “Sarah and I are not married. I shall speak to her about the importance of secrecy.”
“Don’t be angry with her,” Beck said. “Her mother is gone. She was looking for feminine advice.”
She was? Felix could only imagine about what, and he wasn’t going to ask. This conversation was uncomfortable enough. “Of course I won’t be angry with her.”
No, the only person with whom he was angry was himself. He’d been an imbecile to allow their…activities to continue. But damn, when he thought of yesterday in the Grotto… He’d best not, unless he wanted to make an embarrassing display in his breeches.
“Secrecy is still important,” Felix said, glancing back at Anthony once more. “What if he found out?”
Beck blew out a breath. “He wouldn’t like it, which is why this is a dangerous situation. I would never dream of intruding in your private affairs, but this is Anthony’s sister. This is Sarah.”
He bloody well knew it was Sarah. Yet he’d been powerless to resist her flirtation, her charm, and the devastating attraction he felt toward her. She’d occupied his mind and body for weeks. Since Darent Hall.
“I’ve already resolved that it won’t happen again,” Felix said.
“Does Sarah know this?” Beck didn’t sound convinced.
Felix realized he hadn’t actually told her they couldn’t continue. He’d only told her it had all been for her. Because if he allowed her anywhere near his bare cock, he was going to be completely and utterly lost.
He had to talk to her. “I’ll make sure she understands.”
“I think that’s best. Unless you’ve changed your mind about marriage.” There was no hope in Beck’s tone or even a question.
“This is why I count you among one of my closest friends,” Felix said. “You understand me, and you accept me.”
“I also recognize a bit of a similar soul, although you are much better at hiding it.”
Felix froze for a moment, shocked by Beck’s insightful words. Beck was prone to bouts of darkness and even melancholy. He poured his emotions into his poetry and music. Felix walled off his emotions so they could never be accessed—or seen. Did that make them similar?
That Felix even acknowledged that wall to himself was terrifying, and Felix suddenly wanted to take back what he’d said. “If you could understand me in silence, I’d appreciate that,” Felix said.
Beck laughed. “Whatever you prefer.”
Beck’s line went taut, and he worked to bring the fish in. He grasped the trout and removed it from the hook, then tossed it into the basket on the bank between them. As he reworked his line to cast again, he said, “Is there any occasion in which you would reconsider your anti-marriage vow?”
Felix suppressed a scowl. “It isn’t a vow. I don’t see the point in marriage. I don’t want a wife, and I don’t want children. And I don’t need either.”
“What if you fell in love?”
Irritation roiled inside Felix. “Beck, you’re beginning to test the limits of this friendship, and after I just thanked you for your silent understanding of my nature.”
“Forgive me. I am, which I don’t expect you to understand, completely enamored of my wife, and will do anything she asks. Including question you about the possibility of marriage.”
Hell. Had Sarah put Lavinia up to this? They hadn’t discussed marriage at all, and he didn’t have the impression she wanted anything other than what they’d been doing. But then they hadn’t discussed that either. Talking, it seemed, was not their priority.
“Have you caught anything?”
Felix breathed a deep sigh of relief at the welcome sound of a feminine voice—Lavinia’s, to be exact. Turning his head just enough to see the path from the house, he caught sight of her and Sarah approaching the bank, arm in arm.
Sarah stopped at the blanket and stared down at her brother. “Are you sleeping?”
Anthony bolted upright. “What? What happened?”
Sarah and Lavinia laughed, and Beck smiled. Felix was still too unsettled to do either.
“May we fish?” Lavinia asked.
“There are only three poles, but clearly Anthony isn’t using his,” Beck said with a sardonic edge. “You’re welcome to it.”
“Brilliant.” Lavinia picked up the pole and prepared the line.
Anthony rose from the blanket. “What if I want to fish?”
Arching her shoulder, Lavinia gave him a saucy look. “You can wait your turn.” She turned to Beck and asked for help with casting. Given how well she hooked her line, Felix wasn’t sure she needed it. But watching Beck put his arms around her and the way she smiled at him explained why she’d asked.
Sarah took a step closer to Felix, having taken over Beck’s line while he helped Lavinia. “You didn’t answer the question about whether you caught anything,” she said, peering down into the basket where there were three fish. “And there is the answer. Did you catch them all?”
He shook his head. “Anthony caught one, and Beck the other two.”
At that moment, Felix’s line tugged.
“I’ve brought you good fortune,” Sarah said.
Beck took his line from her and looked over at Felix pulling in his fish. “About damn time you caught something. It’s your pond!”
“But he scarcely spends time here,” Sarah said. “Seales says he hasn’t fished at the pond in years.”
Felix removed the fish from his hook and deposited it in the basket. “Does Seales even function as my butler anymore, or does he just talk to you all day?” He turned toward Anthony. “You can have my pole, if you like.”
Anthony came forward and took the pole. “Sarah has always bothered the staff.”
“To excess, I’m afraid.” Sarah laughed. “Father used to banish me to my room because I’d keep our butler or the housekeeper from their work.”
Her e
yes widened slightly, and she glanced toward Anthony. Then she sealed her mouth closed and turned her head to stare at the pond. It seemed as though the casual mention of her father had upset her. It was the first time he’d heard her speak of her parents anecdotally. He saw it as a good sign. In fact, he found it a bit relieving because he didn’t relish telling her there would be no more encounters between them. He suspected their liaison was helping her to work through her grief, and he didn’t want to upset her progress. But neither did he want to exploit her vulnerability.
Liaison? He couldn’t call it that. A liaison was planned. Intentional. This was spontaneous. Reckless.
“Beck,” Lavinia said, breaking into the silence and diverting the conversation as a good friend would do. “I think we must go to Scott’s Grotto tomorrow. I am desperate to see the rocks and fossils.” She leaned closer and whispered something in his ear.
Beck grinned and pressed a fast kiss to her neck, just below her jaw.
A shock of envy stabbed through Felix, surprising him. “It’s rude to whisper.” The comment fell from his lips without thought.
“Too bad, because she’s not repeating it,” Beck said. “Some things are meant to stay between a man and his wife.”
“A woman and her husband,” Lavinia corrected, earning her an appreciative chuckle from Beck.
Watching them, it was easy to see how one might fall in love and marry and be blissfully happy. But Felix knew the truth of it. He was suddenly anxious to distance himself from their marital joy.
“If you’ll all excuse me, there are things that require my attention in my study.”
“We’ll have to send George back to London,” Anthony said. “Then you won’t be interrupted.” He chuckled as he cast his line into the water.
Normally, Felix would have laughed along with him. Wasn’t his primary goal to create amusement and enjoy himself?
Inwardly grumbling, he stalked back to the house, where he did indeed meet with George for a short while. After she departed his study, he loosened his cravat and removed his coat, draping it over the back of his chair. He stalked to the windows that looked out toward the drive and stared at a hunting bird perched high in a tree, his head bowed as he searched for prey.
