‘Thanks for looking after us,’ he added, and earned a paternal pat on the shoulder that made him feel twelve years old.
‘Us youngsters have got to stick together.’
What did that mean? Liam was about to ask when John said, ‘Bugger. Betty,’ and left what he was doing to slide onto a stool at the radio, signalling Liam to keep quiet.
Liam was too bewildered to do anything but prepare sandwiches and even then, he had to concentrate so as not to be distracted. He was, however, able to hear John’s conversation.
‘I meant to ask,’ John was saying. ‘Any more news on Benny?’
‘Aye, pet. The lad’ll be reet in a couple of days.’
‘And the other one?’
‘Nothing new. No-one’s seen him while Wednesday morning at Pot ’Ole, but our Julie remembers the lad making a to-do on not being allowed his pack inside the café. Remembers it being blue like your lad’s. Reckon that’s where the mix up ’appened.’
‘Sounds reasonable.’
‘Aye, well, nowt for you to dwell on. Phil’s taking a team up for a search, but if Ward went the same way as Benny, it won’t be good news.’
‘Do they need me?’
‘No, pet. Put your feet up.’
‘Cheers, Betty. We’re heading out to the Hawks for the day. I’ll have my pager.’
‘Okay, love. Dinner Friday week? Me lads would like to see you both.’
‘It’s a date.’
John replaced the handset and explained the conversation.
‘Will the other guy be alright?’ Liam asked.
‘Not if he’s been out there for two nights,’ John replied, as if imparting the news of a probable death was an everyday occurrence. ‘Bung in some fruit, and there’s a packet of biscuits somewhere. Set off in twenty minutes? Just going to change.’
As John left, Casper returned to announce the Land Rover was packed, and Gary called from the hall that there were clothes for them on the spare bed.
‘Are you sure you’re okay with this, Lee?’ Casper asked, hovering by the counter.
‘Yeah, of course.’
‘I know it’s not what you wanted to do. Share our time with others, I mean.’
‘Cass, you’re my mate no matter who’s around. Let’s just get changed.’
Liam tried to pass between the worktop and the wall, but Casper caught his arm.
‘Am I still?’ he asked. Until then, he had been glowing with excitement, now he was worried. ‘I mean, after… you know.’
‘No, actually, I don’t,’ Liam said. ‘After what?’
‘After our conversation last night.’
‘I was tired.’
Again, Liam tried to leave, but again, Casper stopped him.
‘We’re good?’
‘Yes, Cass.’ It was said with a sigh because it felt like Casper was rubbing salt into a wound. ‘Forget it.’
‘I won’t,’ Casper said.
‘Well, I have.’
Casper stared unblinkingly, and seeing himself reflected in his friend’s eyes, Liam wondered what kind of mate he was looking at. One who kept secrets? One who talked about being in love but who had hidden it for months?
Casper opened his mouth, but Liam knew what he was going to say and spoke first.
‘If you say you’re sorry one more time, I’ll modulate during the Albinoni and glare at you as if it’s your fault.’
‘You’ve done that before.’ Casper tried to repress a laugh, and it came out as a splutter.
Liam grinned at his cheek. ‘Have I bollocks.’
Their eyes remained fixed on each other, and Liam was unnerved at the intensity with which Cass stared. Whatever he was looking for — tears, pain, humiliation — all he saw was Liam’s resolve to simply be friends. As long as Casper could accept him as gay, Liam could accept him as straight.
The words were on their way when Casper threw his arms around Liam’s back, drew him close and hugged him. It lasted only a few seconds, but Liam would remember each of them forever.
Casper pulled away but held him by the arms. ‘I’ve got something for you,’ he said. ‘Birthday present, sort of. But it’ll have to wait until later.’ The perfect-teeth, cartoon smile was back. ‘Can you believe what we’re about to do? Mazur’s going to go skata when he hears who we’ve been climbing with.’ Without warning, he kissed Liam on the forehead, surprising them both. ‘Love you, Mozart,’ he said and ran to change his clothes.
Twenty-One
Gary steered the Land Rover carefully, avoiding the ruts and bumps of the track until the ground levelled and he pulled onto the tarmac lane and shifted into a higher gear. In the back, John examined the borrowed equipment before passing items to Casper and Liam for packing.
‘Is this a descender?’ Liam asked, holding a metal object with a handle and wheels.
‘It is,’ John said after a quick glance.
‘For abseiling?’
‘Uh hu.’ Sensing his nervousness, John said, ‘It’s the only way down from The Hawks. That’s an NC device, you’ll be fine.’
Liam depressed the handle a few times, trying to figure it out.
‘Non Confusion,’ John explained. ‘Like a deadman’s brake on a train. Let go of the handle, and you stop.’
‘Yeah, of course,’ Liam said as if he’d seen one before.
‘This is what I thought we’d do,’ John said when the equipment was checked. ‘I’ll shin up the fixed line and set the anchors, then hop back down so we can belay from below. That way you can climb side by side. Not a race, but more fun. If you get stuck, one of us’ll nip up and sort you out. You said eighty was your height? Where was that?’
It felt like a test, and Liam was tempted to embellish to make himself sound more experienced, but that would have been stupid. Instead, he told John their experience and where they had climbed and was surprised to learn that John knew the exact place. Then again, he knew just about every decent climb in the country.
The Land Rover and conversation rumbled on as they wove through narrow lanes, and by the time they pulled off onto another pitted track, Liam’s nervousness was diluted with confidence. John knew his sport and had instilled in his students a belief that they had more experience than many who climbed at The Hawks. His quiet encouragement brought Liam to the point where he considered the climb old hat even though he’d never seen it. A shadow of anxiety about the abseiling lurked at the back of his mind, but he was able to disregard it thanks to John’s professional manner and Casper’s untainted enthusiasm.
‘It’s about a mile,’ Gary said later as they unloaded the equipment, and after tapping on his phone, announced that the weather was set to stay dry.
‘The worst you’ll get is cold fingers,’ John said as they set off. ‘When they start to hurt, hang off and warm them best you can.’
They listened to other tips as they followed Gary away from the road, across a field and into a copse. On the other side, the ground rose steeply before dropping away into a valley. Fellborough rose sharply to their right like a frozen wave of moorland, the peak hidden by the undulations of the terrain, and another hill, lower and gentle, rose on their left as they walked further into the valley. The bowl between the two was peppered with shrubs which thinned as the party ascended above the treeline on a well-worn path. It wasn’t what Liam had intended for his trip, but the sky was a wash of pale blue, the November air nipped at his nose, and Cass was walking beside him. He wasn’t saying much, but at least he wasn’t on the next train home.
‘You okay?’ Liam asked when they had walked a while in silence.
‘I’m alright.’
Casper was never just alright. He was either good or bad, up or down, whizzing or grouching. Alright was too mediocre and ver
y out of character.
As Gary and John were out of earshot, Liam judged it safe to probe further.
‘What’s up?’ he asked. ‘The abseiling?’
‘Kind of.’
‘You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.’
‘It’s not that.’
Assuming Casper was still disturbed by their bedtime conversation, Liam said, ‘I think the wine had gone to my head a bit last night.’
Casper tutted as if he didn’t want to return to that subject, and told him not to worry about it. He was staring vacantly ahead with empty eyes, his thumbs hooked into his rucksack straps, and his head jutting forward, pouting. It was the look he gave new music as he sight-read, deep in thought while hearing the notes in his mind. A studious, introspective gaze of deep concentration like a surgeon about to perform a complicated operation. Today, however, it was tinged with more concern than usual.
‘Is it what you said you’d left behind?’ Liam asked. ‘Or was that the army thing?’
Casper gave the briefest of brave smiles. ‘Kind of,’ he said.
If it wasn’t the abseiling, Liam’s talk of love, or having to return to Greece, there was nothing else Liam could imagine to be wrong.
‘Want to tell me?’
‘Not yet.’
Casper was unusually cagey, and Liam could only think he was making up ways to tell him more bad news.
‘Okay,’ he said, defeated.
They walked in the same silence they had endured in the tent. That glass wall had descended again, dividing two inseparable friends with non-communication, and it was a barrier Liam could only butt his head against. Impenetrable from his side, it was up to Casper to break through, but judging by his look of sadness, that wasn’t going to happen any time soon.
Gary and John stopped, and when Liam caught up, Gary swung his bag to the ground, stared up at a massive cliff, and said, ‘This’ll do.’
Liam’s concern for Cass evaporated in a gasp when he followed Gary’s gaze. From a rugged base, the limestone wall ascended in a series of smooth surfaces pitted with chips and cracks. Deeper fissures ran indiscriminately across and up at angles, and in places, the rock protruded, causing impassable overhangs.
‘There’s a class four chimney,’ John said, pointing to a wider split which ran from the ground to the top. ‘But I think our boys can manage Over Yourself, it’s only a five eight.’
‘Tops off at Lookout Ledge for the anchors,’ Gary agreed standing beside his husband and changing his shoes. ‘Want me to skinny up and set them?’
‘I’ll do it. I’ve been meaning to double-check the fixed pitons,’ John said. ‘Been there a while. Could be cold cracks.’
‘Roger that.’
To Liam, it sounded like a foreign language only experienced men could learn. Gary stood back and took off his jacket. Like the others, he wore skin-tight leggings that outlined muscles. Liam was self-conscious in his as they hugged every inch leaving little to the imagination, and he found it hard not to stare and compare as John also dropped his coat, limbering up as he studied the route.
His stomach turned as the reality of what they were about to do sank in. This was no Wednesday afternoon ramble up a few boulders, and there was no ‘rope-on and do your best’ atmosphere they had experienced in Wales. This was the real deal and he was expected to perform. Not only was the climb higher than any he’d tried before, but he was also to make it in front of a man who had climbed on Everest. That thought should have given him confidence, and in a way it did, he didn’t have to worry about safety or expertise, but John wasn’t Mr Mazur, and there was none of the false bravado supplied by his schoolmates to spur him on. There was only him and Casper and what looked like two hundred feet straight up and down.
He was about to ask Gary for an explanation of “Over Yourself” when Casper gasped. John was already climbing. Spider-like, he leapt from one low-level rock to the next, his fingers landing on the tiniest of ledges, his legs stretched wide to reach seemingly impossible holds. Pressing himself against the rockface, he reached behind, took a carabiner from his belt and clipped it onto an existing peg before attaching his rope and testing the piton with a hefty tug. Satisfied, he continued up, his rucksack apparently weightless, as Gary nonchalantly held the other end of the rope. Within two minutes, his legs slipped out of sight, replaced a moment later by his face, a dot above the cliff, and he waved.
‘Want to change your shoes, lads?’ Gary said. ‘Get your jackets off, stretch a bit. Leave your bags here.’
Liam followed instructions, glad of them for pushing down the nervous tension that threatened to unsteady his hands, while Casper fiddled at his rucksack, shoving something into a pocket beneath his fleece. The clothes they had been given fitted snuggly and the material was thin, and yet Liam wasn’t cold. Standing in the shadow of the opposite hill, the mild breeze only chilled his face and hands.
‘Tops off around one twenty, but you’ll get into sunlight after sixty,’ Gary said as he buckled Liam’s helmet. ‘No need to rush, your fingers might get cold, but they’ll warm as you go.’
Liam nodded and listened to more instructions as Gary helped him into a harness. Casper copied what Gary was doing, harnessing himself into the straps and buckling up, and when he pulled the straps tight between his legs, Liam had to look away. Aware that the gear made a codpiece of his own, for want of a better word, equipment, he felt naked, and yet the lack of clothing gave him a wonderful sense of freedom. The landscape added to the effect. It was ancient and wild, an open space of raw rock and mosses surviving in clean air that cleared his lungs and fed his fast-beating heart. On top of that, he was with two men who were openly gay and thought nothing of it. They were here for one purpose; to climb, and what they looked like, how they did it and what they were didn’t matter.
The adventure they were about to begin came into sharper focus when John called, ‘Anchored,’ from above, followed by, ‘Below,’ and ropes uncoiled as they fell against the rock, landing with a thud a few feet away.
‘You’re on this end,’ Gary said, taking one. ‘Come here.’
Despite his nervousness, an involuntary smile cracked Liam’s chilled face when Gary knotted a carabiner to one end of the rope and clipped it to his harness.
‘Remember, you are secure,’ Gary whispered, tugging the carabiner as proof. ‘Nothing’s going to go wrong, and I’ve got you.’
‘Thanks.’ Liam’s voice was feeble, and he cleared his throat. ‘Cheers.’
‘I think you’re going to like the view,’ Gary added and gave a wink which suggested he knew something Liam didn’t. ‘You’re in for a few surprises. The Hawks never fail to deliver. Just remember, you’re in control.’
‘Okay.’
It wasn’t climbing jargon, Gary was alluding to his metaphor about emotional security, but he was also hinting at something else. He had moved on to Casper before Liam could ask him what.
When both boys were roped on, John descended on his previously fixed line with Gary belaying. Reaching the bottom, he examined their harnesses, and Liam thought Gary would be annoyed at having his work scrutinised, but he took no notice. Doubling up on safety was not an insult.
‘Okay, lads,’ John said, satisfied that everything was as it should be. ‘It’s not a difficult route, but it’s not a piece of piss either. Rest when you need to, don’t let it get the better of you, and prepare to get Over Yourself done and under your belt.’
Casper raised his eyebrows to John whose mouth twitched at the corner as if they were sharing a joke. The moment stung Liam more than the cold air, and he couldn’t help thinking that Casper had spoken to John about last night’s fumbled conversation, maybe when they went to collect the rucksack. Although it hurt, he tried to ignore it, unwilling to believe that Cass would do such a thing, but knowing that
if he had, there would be more to come when they got back to college. Any flack Liam was to receive for coming out and being in love was of his own making.
‘Why is it called Over Yourself?’ he asked to distract himself from his growing anxiety.
‘First climber to conquer a route gets to name it,’ John said. ‘No idea about this one, but they come up with some odd names. Satanic Traverses is my favourite, but in this case, I think you’ll be able to work it out eventually. When you get to the top, you’ll find a wide ledge about fifteen feet deep, and behind it, the hill is grassy to the top, so the climb ends at the lookout. However, this route comes with a tradition. Once you’re up, the rule is that you don’t turn around until you and your climbing partner have topped off together. We’ll wait for you, and when you’re ready, call down, and I’ll fix the belay for the descent. You’ve abseiled before you said?’
‘Once or twice,’ Casper admitted, paling.
‘One of us will shin up and sort you out,’ John said. ‘Right. Up at your own pace and don’t look back. Got it?’
‘Why not?’ Liam asked.
‘It’s for luck.’ It came with another semi-smile at Casper that suggested more shared knowledge. ‘I’ll belay Cass as he’s heavier, and Gary’s got you, Lee. Okay? You’re fit to climb.’
There was no turning back now, and even if there had been, Liam wouldn’t have considered backing out. There was something to be proved. Not to show them he was capable of the ascent, and not to prove to Casper that he was still a man even if he was gay or some similar shit, but to prove to himself. If Liam Dent could lose his best friend because he was secure enough to come out, he could get himself up a one-hundred-foot cliff, and once he had, he would be unstoppable. Having taken its first major hurdle, he could sprint on with his life, and he could do it with or without Casper as long as there were men like Gary to have his back and keep him grounded.
The Students of Barrenmoor Ridge Page 24
