Copyright © 2019 by Marco Frazetta and Tempest Books
All rights reserved.
This is a work of satire and parody. Any resemblance to existing creative works is intended as such.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
From the Author
Dungeons & Gangsters 2
Marco Frazetta
Chapter 1
On the fuckin’ road again, I thought bitterly. I adjusted the rearview mirror, checkin’ on the girls in the back seat. With all the driving we’d been doing, I barely got more than a fuckin’ hour of sleep the last two days. These fuckin’ girls. I looked back at them in the mirror again, both lightly snoozin’. I close my eyes to go to sleep and all I can think about is them. We had gotten an early start, heading out around three in the mornin’, and we were now passing through Missouri into Illinois, with St. Louis quickly fading in the background of the rear view.
Sparking up a joint, I took a few puffs, went to pass it to Skreech, but I saw the goblin was passed out too. More for me, then. I shrugged. Plus, we’re almost there. Once we pass through Indiana and Ohio, we’ll be in Pennsylvania. If we stay on the road, we’ll be in Philly by later tonight. It was probably for the best that they were all taking naps right then, ‘cause I needed some quiet to think. I was headin’ towards uncertainty, goin’ into the unknown not knowin’, and I hated that feeling. I was more or less runnin’ to my family, fuckin’ tail tucked between my legs, and I hadn’t had much contact with my East coast blood, hadn’t seen them or spoken to ‘em in years. It wasn’t that I didn’t love ‘em or we had a falling out or anything like that. I loved my family as much as any hobgoblin could. They’re good, proud hobgoblins, they’re about their money and they don’t take no shit, and they never did me wrong, but at times they got a little carried away with all that pureblood, racial shit, and maybe it was livin’ in California for so long, but that just wasn’t my bag. I don’t judge people based on the flesh they were born with but by the words they speak and the actions they commit to—well, most of the time anyway, can’t say sometimes I don’t just near lose it with fuckin’ orcs and their thug shit.
I was feelin’ sleep deprived, angry, bitter. I couldn’t help certain ugly thoughts rising to the murky surface of my mind. Each one of ‘em... I quickly roved my eyes from the girls to Skreech. Is one more burden for me… If it was just me on my own, though, ridin’ solo, without all this dead weight I’m luggin’ around with me...
Skreech let out a particularly large snore, waking himself up.
The goblin rubbed his sleep riddled eyes, saw the joint in my hand. “Can I hit that, boss?”
I looked at him for a moment. This greedy little snot, where’s the fucking respect, to wake up and right off the bat ask your boss for his joint... No, that’s not fair of me. I felt an odd sense of shame at my thoughts. Skreech has been loyal to me for years. He’s brave and capable... in his own way. I looked over at the goblin, passin’ him the joint. We’ve been through some hard shit together, but more than that, he’s been a true companion, a comrade-in-arms.
“Where we at now?” Skreech coughed, having taken an over-ambitious toke.
I took the joint back from him, hittin’ it. “We crossed into Illinois a few hours ago.” I exhaled, thick swirly smoke pouring from my nostrils, filling the car. Alelicia, the elf girl, started coughing in her sleep as soon as the marijuana smoke trickled into the back seat, so I lowered the window some to let the breeze suck the smoke out of the car.
“The smell of that stuff is so offensive.” Alelicia yawned, cracking her piercing blue eyes open, stretching her arms out. Another day with princess peach, I thought, feelin’ sour and miserable. The elf girl’s right hand had lightly grazed Tyzee’s cheek as she stretched, causing the orc girl to stir and wake up with a start, seemed like she’d been dreaming.
She looked up at me, catching my eye in the rear view mirror, and said bluntly, “They were keeping us in these rooms… They would blindfold us, but there were always men around, some speaking one language, then a few days later they’d be speaking something else…”
I hit the joint one last time, tossed it, then, thoughtful for a moment, I responded, “you’re just remembering this now?”
“Yes,” she replied, somewhat confused. “No… I don’t know… When I was sleeping just now, it’s like bits and pieces of it were starting to come back to me… It was horrible, Teek.” Her sayin’ my name caused me to turn my face towards her, ignoring the road. “I can’t go back there.”
I turned away from her for a moment to take a quick look at the road, and also ‘cause I was feelin’ some shit I didn’t quite understand. Seeing that it was safe for the moment, the road was a straight shot, and composing myself, I reached my right hand back, putting it on top of her hand which was resting on her thigh. “Take it easy, alright? I won’t let that happen.” I lightly squeezed her pretty little hand in mine. “Nobody’s gonna hurt you again, okay? I promise.”
“Thank you, Teek.” She searched my eyes, then gave me that light, over-too-soon smile of hers. “I know you don’t have to do this, you don’t have to look out for me, for us...” She nodded over at Alelicia, whose eyes were closed and who seemed to have fallen back asleep. “I’m really grateful.” She snorted out a small laugh. “I’m sorry, that seems like such a small thing to say, since you saved my life…”
I smiled back at her, our eyes still meeting in the rear view mirror. “I appreciate that but don’t thank me just yet. We still ain’t outta the woods, as they say.”
She nodded, her eyebrows raised as she considered that, then she turned back to the window for a few minutes. “Where are we now?”
I threw on the blinker, switchin’ lanes. “We’re about midway through Illinois. When we hit Indiana we’ll stop, get some lunch, okay?”
“Sounds good to me,” Skreech chirped.
“Okay,” Tyzee replied, and for a moment she didn’t seem like a feisty orc, but like a lost little girl. And she’s gotta be cute too, go figure. My eyes flicked back to her in the rear view for a second. What the fuck am I doin’? What is wrong with me? These broads are fucked up in the head right now, I’m definitely not tryin’ to fuck the way things are, so why am I stickin’ my fuckin’ neck out for the Dragon’s headsman? Or Sentega’s? And what if she already has a guy? What if Alelicia does? They could already be married but whoever took ‘em coulda just snatched their rings off while they were all doped up and made ‘em forget... My eyes jittered, as I looked at them again. No, I don’t get down like that. Hobgoblins take the sanctity of marriage very seriously—it’s somethin’ the Italians picked up from us. You don’t fuck with someone else’s girl if he put a ring on it, that’s somethin’ you don’t do. I decided that as much as I wanted them, wanted to fuck their brains out, I had to find out first if they were already spoken for. Could be awhile ‘til they even remember that, I thought grimly, gripping
the steering wheel tighter, looking up and seeing the Welcome to Indiana State sign flash by overhead.
We had been cruisin’ along for some hours when I checked the gas, saw it was time to fill ‘er up. And I had told them we’d stop for some lunch. Shit. I looked up at the digital clock, saw it was early in the afternoon. A late lunch, anyway, I thought, pullin’ off the freeway at the nearest rest stop area. I finished the smoke I’d been nursin’ the last few miles, flicked it away, and parked up at a gas pump at the gas station. I filled up the tank, taking note of yet another hit to my pocket, and saw that the only really viable option for lunch was gonna have to be fuckin’ Mickey D’s. Seein’ those big yellow McDonald’s arches, I couldn’t help but think about that fuckin’ dead elf prick, Raulis… Raulis something… Whatever his fuckin’ name was, he definitely got his last laugh on me, ‘cause now I couldn’t even hit McDonald’s without thinkin’ of his dead ass telling me to give up the game and go work the fuckin’ counter, like that’s all that I was good for. Well played, elf. A dour smirk briefly touched my face. In life you were a pain in the balls to deal with, in death you ruin McDonald’s for me.
“I think I love McDonald’s!” Tyzee’s excited voice suddenly filled my right ear as she leaned toward me from the back seat. Some of her hair brushed my cheek, her nostrils flaring as she breathed in the french-fry-and-burgers scented air emanating from the place.
“It’s kind of… well… poor people food, isn’t it?” Alelicia asked uncertainly, lookin’ around the car.
Me and Skreech looked at each other in shock, then burst out in laughter.
“She said...” Skreech choked out between laughs, “she said it’s poor people food!”
“Do you even hear how you sound when you talk at times?” Tyzee asked the elf girl, genuinely irritated.
“Alright, Alright.” I chuckled. “Take it easy on her, clearly she’s never experienced the joys and pleasures of a hot, sloppy McDonald’s meal.” I winked real quick in the rear view at Alelicia, saw her smile briefly and look down.
“I hope I didn’t… I didn’t mean to offend or be rude,” the elf girl said in a little voice, her pale cheeks turning a light pink color.
“You’ll be alright, just don’t be so...” I trailed off, searching for the right words.
“Just don’t be such an uppity bitch all the time,” Tyzee breathed.
Skreech whistled in surprise at that hot take. Alelicia looked at Tyzee, her face contorted from being offended, the light pink color that had come to her cheeks turning darker, but then she nodded to Tyzee and looked down again.
I waited a beat, lettin’ things cool down, then, opening my door, I announced that it was time to go eat. I hopped out, poppin’ the seat forward for the girls, my eyes surreptitiously drinking in the cleavage on the both of them. Damn, these two are so distracting. We walked up to the counter, where a stupid looking young orc was waitin’ to take our order. He eyed me and Skreech with a sort of curious dispassion, but then he got a look at the hybrid girls in their revealing outfits, a literal bra as a top on Alelicia, a scarf as a makeshift one on Tyzee. He couldn’t help but look from them to me, then from me back to them, tryin’ to figure out what he was seeing.
“Hi,” the orc youth greeted the hybrid girls breathily, ignoring me and Skreech. “Welcome to McDonald’s. Can I… Can I take your order?” He stammered out.
I walked forward to the counter, an eyebrow raised. “Yo, buddy, listen, I need some burgers and fries.”
“Hey… How…?” Again he looked from me to the girls.
“Look, we’re Mormons, alright?” I growled.
“What?” the orc asked stupidly. I looked back at him, then realized that might not work now that we’re further away from Utah.
“Hold on.” I turned back to the girls. “What do you want?”
“Big Mac meal, large fries, large Coke,” Tyzee shot out at rapid fire. “Oh, shit, let me have a sundae.” She paused, saw me lookin’ at her curiously. “If that’s okay. Please.”
I smiled and nodded, turned to the orc kid at the register. “You heard the lady.”
“Okay, we got one large big mac meal, large Coke, a sundae… Will that be all for you today?”
“No, hold on,” I said.
“I’ll have what she’s havin’!” Skreech squeaked.
I held up two fingers to the orc. “Make that two of those large big mac meals.” While the kid poked the order in slowly on the machine, I took a couple steps towards Alelicia. “Do you think you know what ya want?” I asked her.
“Do they have salad?” she asked.
The orc kid’s eyebrows shot up, like he never heard anything so crazy.
“Just get her a chicken sandwich. It has lettuce and tomatoes on it,” Tyzee said as she tossed her hair back and glanced at some local oafs eating at a counter.
“But chicken’s poor people—” Alelicia started to whine, then, making eye contact with Tyzee, stopped herself, her cheeks starting to get pink again. “Okay,” she said after a moment, nodding to herself, seeming to have come to some sort of internal conclusion. “I’ll try that.”
I grinned at her briefly, thinking, I guess she figures she’s roughin’ it now, then nodded to her and Tyzee and went back over to the counter.
“Alright, so we’ll have two of those large big mac meals, with Cokes and sundaes, and two large grilled chicken sandwich meals, also with Cokes and sundaes,” I told the orc, gettin’ the same thing as Alelicia out of solidarity, and to kind of prove to her that it was good, although I also realized that a hobgoblin’s word just might not mean much to an elf girl. I tried to imagine for a moment what kinda privileged, bougie, upper-crust life she must have led before gettin’ snatched and put in that train car container, to never have gone to a McDonald’s; I couldn’t picture it.
The orc brought the trays laden with grub over to the counter, tossed a handful of ketchup packets on them. He longingly looked at the hybrid girls, cleared his throat. “Thanks, enjoy your meal.”
We grabbed the trays and went to sit down and eat. Tyzee and Skreech immediately tore into their big macs, sauce and grease spillin’ out onto their fingers; Alelicia unwrapped hers hesitantly, lookin’ at it like it might jump up and attack her or something, so I unwrapped mine and started taking big ass bites, loudly chewing, enjoying the hot chicken meat, shovin’ some fries into my mouth. The elf girl raised her eyebrows watchin’ me, but the enticing smell must have overcame her haughtiness, and she picked up her chicken sandwich with both hands, took a small, delicate bite, then, her eyes widening, a little smile forming, she started to fuckin’ clobber it, even took note of what I was doin’, shovin’ some fries in her gullet too.
“Not too bad, huh?” I asked, sippin’ on my Coke.
“I love it right now.” Alelicia nodded.
Tyzee snorted a laugh and rolled her eyes, then polished off the rest of her big mac and guzzled on her Coke, her pretty eyes turning greedily to the sundae in front of her.
I grinned at the elf girl. “There you go again with that right now stuff.”
“I don’t like to commit to anything.” She shrugged her shoulders.
Skreech gave her an odd look then turned a raised eyebrow to me, not quite following along. I laughed as I looked back down at him, fuckin’ big mac sauce all over his face, tossed him a couple napkins.
“Clean yourself up Skreech, we’re eatin’ with ladies these days.” I chuckled. We were all diggin’ in to our sundaes and I was goin’ the fuck in on mine, but I heard one of the girls starting to laugh so I looked up and saw them both lookin’ back at me.
“What?” I asked, still lickin’ at the ice cream.
“You look like a cat with cream in his whiskers.” Tyzee giggled. “A big red cat.”
I smiled, taking it as a compliment. I always liked cats, they were alright as far as pets go. After we finished and walked back out to the car, I lit up a Camel menthol, wanting to enjoy my after-meal smoke before gettin
’ back in the car, stretch my legs some.
Tyzee was watchin’ me intently, and after the first few puffs I took of the Camel, she came up next to me. “Can I try?” she asked.
I raised an eyebrow. “Did you smoke cigs before?”
“I don’t know, I don’t remember.” She shook her head. “But you seem to enjoy it, and maybe I would, too.” I looked back at her thoughtfully for a moment, then passed the cigarette over. “Be careful with that. If you never smoked a cig before it might be harsh and unpleasant at first.”
She took the Camel and looked at it for a moment, then put her pretty lips around the filter and took a small puff, coughed mid-exhale, looked at me like it was a trick, then took another puff and exhaled without difficulty.
“It’s not bad,” she said, taking another puff.
“You might catch a habit.” I grinned, taking the cigarette back from her.
“You seem to be doing alright with it.”
Alelicia walked over to me, lookin’ worried. “Can you let us into the car? There’s someone over there watching me and I don’t like it.” I looked over in the direction of where her eyes had flicked to, and my mouth dropped.
Chapter 2
“Fuck…” I muttered, taking a puff of my cigarette, tryin’ to play it cool, turning my eyes quickly away from the two police vehicles parked side by side, an unmarked black car with dark tints which I assumed was another cop. It was probably an undercover, parked next to them. The cops were standin’ around in front of their police SUVs, INDIANA STATE POLICE emblazoned on the sides, a couple humans and orcs in jerk off blue, chattin’ amongst themselves, quickly taking surreptitious glances over at me and Skreech and the girls—the girls especially—with short bursts of raucous laughter following, before goin’ back to whatever the fuck it is cops talk about. We’re just gonna calmly walk over to the car, I thought, panicking, my eyes flicking from my Mustang to the cops and back, we’re gonna get in, pull off nice and slow, then, when we touch the freeway, I’ll zoom off before they even know I’m gone. Skrrt, Skrrt, fuckers.
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