I studied the hobgoblin across the gate from me, not knowin’ exactly what to even say to that. I was speechless. Locked up? I panicked. What the fuck am I gonna do now?
“When?”
“He’s been away a few years now,” the shorter hobgoblin on the left replied skeptically, his eyebrows raised as he looked on at me. I started to pace back and forth, which seemed to agitate the other hobgoblins.
“No funny moves out there, guy,” the hobgoblin on the right warned, tilting his rifle up and towards my direction.
“It’s like that around here now, huh?” I snarled, feeling hot rage course through my body.
“Yea, it’s like that.” He loudly chambered a round.
I shook my head, then started to walk back to my car. The hobgoblins on the other side of the gates watched me as I walked off, but then, when they were about to turn around and go back up, a thought struck me and I turned back around, walkin’ back over to the gate.
“Yo!” I yelled over to the hobgoblins, who quickly came back over to the gate.
“The fuck is with you?” The jerk off tall hobgoblin glared at me, his voice dripping with irritation. “Just get the fuck outta here already, we don’t know you, no one here knows you, and whatever you’re sellin’, we don’t want it.”
“What about my cousin, Shal? Is he here?”
“Can’t confirm or deny,” the hobgoblin on the left grumbled, somewhat guardedly.
“The hell does that mean?”
“Look, he ain’t here either,” the tall hob spat. “So would you kindly fuck off?”
“Can’t believe this shit,” I muttered. Then I reached into my shirt, pulling out a necklace I wore, a chain through a ring. “See this ring? Look at it.”
“Oh fuck off!” The tall one said.
“I said look at it!”
He gave me the stink eye, but craned his neck down, some doubt apparently creeping into him.
“See that lion with the horns and the ax? That’s my family crest there. Now, where is he? Where is Shal?!”
“He’s at the fuckin’ restaurant, alright!” The tall one stood back to his full height, peering down at me with claws for eyes. “The Hob’s Delight! Now fuck off!”
“Thanks.” I waved at him briefly, then reversed my hand and flipped the both of them off before dickin’ it over to my car and jumping in, gripping the steering wheel tightly as I sped down the street.
There was a whole crowd at the restaurant, hobgoblins, goblins, bugbears, orcs, humans. It was a fuckin’ cacophony that could be heard for several blocks in either direction. The food and drink was renowned at The Hob’s Delight, but the real action was in the back, where the wise guys and the gangsters could be found eatin’ and drinkin’, gambling, partying, makin’ deals or deciding who has to go.
I pushed my way through the twin glass doors at the entrance, walkin’ by the booths and tables, the hot young hobgoblin girl waitress askin’ me as I passed by her if I’d like a table. She was real thin, tall, had that supermodel body in an all black outfit, but her face was a bit wide and her chin stuck out a bit—probably why she was workin’ a restaurant instead of a runway. I could see into the kitchen, saw a bulky bugbear bringin’ a large meat cleaver down on big hunks of meat, a side of beef here, a leg of lamb over here, a whole chicken, goblins and young hobs in there as well, cookin’ in the line or washin’ dishes, or preppin’ vegetables and other dishes. No one paid much mind to me, just another hobgoblin walkin’ into a hobgoblin-run fine dining establishment. I could get used to that, I thought briefly, it gets kinda old bein’ the only red skinned hobgoblin walkin’ into joints, like back in California, havin’ strangers look at ya like you’re the fuckin’ weird one.
I headed towards the back room, which was closed off by a large black door with a couple hobgoblins, armed to the teeth, big guns on ‘em, guarding, both in expensive Italian suits. I paused a moment when I was a few feet in front of them and the door, nodded to them and only received a vacant glare in return, so I began to walk towards the door, like I was about to just walk right on through it. The hobgoblin guards both sprung into action, snarling, each puttin’ a strong, muscled red hand on my shoulders, squeezing tight.
“Hold up,” the one to my left rumbled. Motherfucker was big for a hobgoblin, I had a sneaking suspicion that he was fuckin’ with that growth hormone shit the humans had developed a few years back, the veins on his neck bulged out like thick ropey blue snakes. He had ashy gray hair, though it wasn't on account of age, since lots of us hobs simply had gray hair from birth.
“Get your hand off me, man. Are you juicin’ or what?” I gritted my teeth, the pressure bein’ applied to my shoulders starting to become painful.
“Do you have an appointment?” Big red to the left asked me, somewhat skeptically.
“Yea!” I lied. “Yea, I’m here to see Shal.”
The two guards quickly glanced at each other, the one on the right smirking briefly, then, the big fuck on the left growled, “you don’t have an appointment with him, or you’d be on the list. You got two fuckin’ seconds to get out of here before I break your shoulder and toss you out the front door.”
“Look,” I hissed, startin’ to see flashes of light in my eyes from the pain, “Shal’s my cousin.” Both the hobgoblin guards eyebrows shot up some in surprise. “I’m Teek, tell him I’m here and I wanna talk to him. If I’m wrong, if I ain’t who I say I am, then you go ahead and break my damn shoulder and throw me out. But if I’m right, and you mangled the capo’s cousin, how’s that gonna make you look?”
Their grips lessened some, lettin’ me shrug out of their grasps. They looked at each other, then big red on the left held up a large red paw, tellin’ me to hold on. He gave two heavy knocks on the door, and a peephole slipped open, a pair of red eyes peered out, then the peephole slid closed and the door popped open some. I immediately heard raucous laughter, like a great joke had just reached its conclusion, then some conversation I couldn’t quite make out, except one line, a whisper that made it to my ears somehow, a deep voice tenderly saying, ‘Shal, you’re the boss now, you shoulder take a larger hand in things…’ and the sound of cards bein’ dealt accompanied by silverware spearing food on fine dishes.
The big red guard stepped partway through the half open door and I heard him call out, “Boss, I don’t mean to interrupt—”
“Well now ya are anyway, so what is it?” I heard a muffled voice, very familiar to my ears, call back in some irritation.
“There’s this guy here,” big red began, sounding embarrassed to be botherin’ his boss, jerkin’ a thumb back in my direction, “says he’s your cousin. He’s kinda light skinned, on the small side, calls himself Teek?” He said my name almost questioningly. I heard the room on the other side of the door awkwardly become silent, which was strange after all the noise that had been pourin’ out of it just a second before. “You want me to send him packin’, boss?”
“Bring him in here.” That familiar voice growled.
The big hobgoblin guard reached an arm out and grabbed hold of me, yanking me into the room and in front of him, like I was some kinda shield in case his boss got real angry. I looked around, takin’ in the room. My cousin, a robust hobgoblin, a dark, vibrant shade of red, a little older and fatter now, sittin’ at a big half-booth table, a few hobgoblins to each side of him, half-empty glasses in front of them all, some with dishes of half eaten food, some holdin’ a hand of cards up. Other hobgoblins and plain ol’ goblins around the room, sittin’ at the other tables nearby. It definitely brought me back, seein’ Shal sittin’ there like that, surrounded by his crew. It reminded me of a time long ago, when we were both young, and we had been let into the back room and saw our grandfather there, eatin’ and drinkin’ and playin’ cards with his crew, then years later, after he passed away and Shal’s old man, my uncle Khakkoc became capo and took his place in the booth in the back room of The Hob’s Delight. I met my cousin’s eyes for the first time in a de
cade and I couldn’t help but grin, my eyes watering a little, seeing him sittin’ there, holdin’ court like his father and grandfather did before him. I suddenly was at a loss for words, and I realized he wasn’t grinning.
I swallowed hard. “Shal.”
“I don’t know this guy, this pale skinned hobgoblin.” Shal looked at me coldly. “My cousin Teek, my best friend in the whole world, who I treated like a brother, who I loved like a brother, he died ten years ago.” He stood up then, pointing harshly at me. “Get ‘em outta here! Get him outta here now, you hear me!” His crew turned their eyes towards me, some of them snarling, also rising out of their seats.
“Shal!” I yelled desperately.
“You motherfucker!” The big red guard hissed at me, sidestepping me rapidly which was alarming for his size, comin’ up behind me and putting me in a painful arm lock. “I shoulda known you were on some bullshit…!” Meanwhile another one, shorter but with thick shoulders and biceps bulging even under his suit sleeves, coiled his arm.
“Fuck,” I managed to croak as I saw his fist, big gaudy silver rings on it, come flying toward me.
Chapter 8
You think punches to the face hurt, try getting punched in the gut. I mean really punched. The big red fist plowed right into, swear it was gonna come out my backside. My spine curled like a dog’s tail when it gets a good beating. Before I could even breath another came and this caught me in the ribs and I swear I felt one crack. Then the third was back in my gut and this time I felt the puke, my whole fucking breakfast came rushing back up my throat.
“You sick fuck!” The hob who was pummeling shouted when he saw I was starting to hurl, and he held my mouth shut, clamped my fucking jaw like I was Hannibal Lecter. And shit, I found out the taste of my own vomit then, acrid, bout to burn my throat out.
“That is disgusting,” my once cousin Shal said. “Take him out.”
This is it. I flailed around uselessly as the big red hobgoblin pulled me outta the room, the door closing in front of me. This asshole’s gonna tune me up and I’ll have to drag myself back to the apartment, tell ‘em I don’t know what the fuck we’re gonna do now but I think I need a doctor… Big Red was squeezin’ me tight, his arms were like thick fuckin’ pythons, he was pullin’ me passed the tables where goblinoids were eatin’ big heaping plates of food, I watched a hobgoblin in a bright green tracksuit dig his hands into a roasted, steaming duckling, tear it in half and bite into it, his sharp teeth hittin’ the bone, thick grease and melted fat dribbling down his chin, our eyes met briefly as he chewed, then his eyes rolled up in pleasure and he forgot me, some disgraced chump gettin’ thrown outta the restaurant by the fuckin’ bouncer.
“Stop!” I heard my cousin’s voice roar. “Stop! Bring his pale carcass back here!” What now? I worried. The big hobgoblin pullin’ me backward suddenly halted, swayed a bit, then reversed his steps, pushin’ me forward towards the big open black door and my cousin standin’ there, his crew standin’ around him, all glaring at me. The big guard let go of his fuckin’ stranglehold on me, shoved me forward through the doorway, came in behind me and closed the door. I felt nauseous, this wasn’t the sort of circumstances to be havin’ a door closed behind you in a shady room surrounded by guys feedin’ off their boss’s animosity towards you.
My cousin took a few slow steps towards me, then when his face was in front of mine, his eyes lookin’ down at me some since he was a little bigger than me, he studied me a moment, then broke into a grin.
“You got a real fuck face, you know that?” Shal growled, his face inches from mine, that big red nose of his dwarfing my own. His eyes were a pale green, like limestone. His cheekbones might as well have been knives they were so sharp. “They always said your face was too human, now I see it. You’re soft. Just like them.”
I looked at him, appalled for a moment. “Soft?” I managed to suck in enough breath to speak. “I took out Teddy Freezer.”
“Now you’re airing family business in front of everyone?”
I wiped some vomit from my chin, gestured toward the room full of wise guys. “Aren't these your trusted guys?”
“Maybe you did take out Freezer, but then you tucked tail, you made like a damn human, just like you always did. Human ways, human women, human jobs, human family. You left us to deal with the fallout from your old man and Freezer.”
“I wanted to stay, but your old man made me leave. Said it was my father’s last wish, that I not get drawn into it all. I woulda stayed, I woulda helped settle it all, the war with those bastards from Jersey. Ask him to decide what to do with me.”
“Yeah, well he’s not here to decide. I am. We’re bringing back the old ways. The bloody ax, the gun, honor, family, the legion. No more of this soft shit. And by the laws of this thing of ours, someone who abandons his family, has to abandon his life, because they’re one and the same.”
My chest near froze when I saw him draw a handgun, plated shining silver, filigree details, out from his fine charcoal suit’s pocket. He aimed it straight at me, my own cousin. I just stared at him a moment. “Shal… hold up, let’s be reasonable.”
“I am being reasonable. By the laws of the legion, any traitors, any who abandon the fight, are put to death.”
“Alright, alright. I understand that. But I was also following an order. An order given by the head of the family. If I hadn't obeyed your old man when he told me to leave town and don't come back, that woulda been a death penalty too. So we’ve reached a contradiction here.”
“Contradiction. You always thought you were so high and mighty with that magic college shit. You're worse than a human. You’re like a damn elf.” He cocked the gun.
“Shal...” I said, but there was nothing in his eyes, just cold fury, unrelenting judgement. “Alright.” Suddenly, I was still. All fear, all negotiation left me. If this was how I was going to go out, I sure as hell was going to go out standing tall, as tall as Maglubiyet had made me. “It’s only fair. This is the only way you could beat me. I remember I always used to shoot you.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” He lowered the gun an inch, so that we could see eye to eye.
“We were only five, six. I used to get you with that water gun. I still remember, it was orange plastic. You used to chase me around your old man’s yard, pissed as hell that I got you wet. But you never took the gun from me, because you wanted me to shoot you again sometimes, because deep down, you knew we were like brothers. Look at us now...” I sensed all the eyes in the room on me, even their cold hearts weighing heavy, ‘cause even a gangster knows what family means. “Well, go ahead, brother, kill your own blood.”
He stood there, something warring in his eyes.
“You asshole,” he said, and walked over to me, gun still in hand. Shal hugged me so tight it felt like the fuckin’ guy was gonna crack my sore ass ribs, and I squeezed him back. He gave me a kiss on the cheek, and I felt that strange sensation when you smell your family’s odor again and it suddenly brings back all kinds of memories you can’t quite put your finger on. He pulled back and started crackin’ up, and his guys started nervously crackin’ up with him.
I started to laugh too, then felt relief wash over me.
“What the hell, Teek? What’s happened to our family?” There was a kind of bitter sadness in his green eyes as he stared into mine.
“Life.” I shrugged.
“Damn I missed you. You look alright, a little on the skinny side.” He pulled back, anger and joy somehow strangely mixed together in his expression. He lifted a hand glittering with jewel encrusted gold rings, ruffled my hair, then turned to one of his crew. “Pour my long lost cousin here a glass.”
I started feelin’ strange and emotional, my cousin nearly sounded the same as me. I had grown up lookin’ up to the guy and truthfully I had adopted a lot of his mannerisms in my youth. The hobgoblin my cousin had told to get me a drink walked over to the table, grabbed a clean glass, filled it up with a dark, sweet red win
e and handed it to me. I took it and gulped nearly half of it in one swallow, I hadn’t drank wine this good in ages, the sweetness of it made my mouth tingle.
“Fellas, get back to your card game,” Shal said offhandedly to his crew, his eyes glued to me. “Let me talk to my cousin in private.” Some of the crew nodded and went to sit back at the booth table where the game and brunch had been interrupted, some of the others grumbled as they went back or decided to head out into the restaurant proper.
I looked at my cousin. “Shal, I didn't mean to impose. I just wanted to talk.”
He shook his head, guided me over to an empty table where a couple goblins had been playin’ some games of chance. With a wave of his hand the goblins grunted, their tiny little legs scurrying as they pulled out two chairs. “Sit, sit, master! Sit, master cousin!” Shal straightened his silky black jacket, looking very dignified. Then we sat, the two goblins pushin’ in our chairs.
“Master, huh?” I adjusted my cuffs and shirt collar from the half beating I got earlier.
Shal didn’t laugh, only looked at me hard, like he was tryin’ to figure out if I was really there or not.
“I feel like I’m looking at a ghost,” he muttered at last. “A ghost who finally grew up.”
I grinned at him. “Yea, a red ghost.” I took a sip of the sweet red wine.
“Teek.” He looked at me seriously, his green eyes boring into mine. “I gotta be honest, half of me wants to strangle the life outta you and the other half wants to make sure you’re eatin’ right. Ain’t that some shit?” He snorted a laugh, and I snorted one too, then he got serious again. “Where the fuck have you been? Where did you go?” He looked over, saw Big Red still standin’ there awkwardly at the door, lookin’ uncomfortable, unsure what he should do.
“Yo, muscles marinara,” he shouted over to him. “Take a walk, huh? How ya supposed to be guardin’ the door if you’re in here?”
“Sorry, boss.” Big Red nodded, a ridiculously large bead of sweat trickling down his pronounced forehead, then quickly did an about-face, opening the big black door.
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