“Good.” I nodded, standing up, finishing off the joint and flickin’ it out into the street below. On the corner across the street, adjacent to where I was, the kobold fanatics had decided to post up, wavin’ their fuckin’ posters around, rantin’ and chantin’ about their demented fuckin’ dragon god. I rubbed my hand down my face and groaned.
“Did you hear them at all today?” I nudged Skreech, nodding over to the kobolds. “They’re drivin’ me fuckin’ nuts with this dragon lord shit.”
He shook his head. “No boss, we didn’t hear ‘em. We had the T.V. turned up though, and I ran out to the store earlier—”
“Alright.” I cut him off. “Keep an ear out if you’re here, let me know if they get any closer. I’m not tryin’ to hear that shit where I lay my head, you know what I’m sayin’?”
“I got ya.” He hopped up some, tryin’ to see over the brick wall ledge and down to where the kobold cultists were. Suddenly the apartment door swung open and Tyzee sauntered out.
“Mind if I join you?” She smiled at me, wearin’ a v-neck t-shirt with an eye-catchin’ amount of cleavage. “Or is it still goblins only time out here?”
Skreech looked from her to me.
I laughed for a moment. “Yea, we just wrapped it up.”
Tyzee came to stand next to me and got quiet; it took me a minute to realize she was waitin’ for me to tell Skreech to kick rocks and go inside.
I patted the goblin’s shoulder. “Go ‘head, Skreech go watch television for a bit before takin’ it down for the night. Remember what we talked about, alright?”
He looked up at me and nodded solemnly, then turned and went inside, pullin’ the door shut somewhat hard. I turned to look at Tyzee and saw she was already lookin’ at me, our eyes meeting as soon as I had turned.
“You’re a sight for sore eyes, you know that?” I blurted, then, deciding to double-down, “you’re really beautiful, Tyzee. Seriously. It’s good to see you.”
She threw her arms around my neck and shoulders, hugging me tightly, her amazing body clinging to mine. And damn that sensation of her breasts squishing into my chest, even through the fabric of our clothes I could sense how firm yet soft they were. “I’m glad you’re home, too.” She giggled. “Thank you so much for remembering the chicken and waffles.” She looked into my eyes, saw me grinnin’ back at her. “I know it’s silly but I got this really strong feeling before that I loved it… You know… before everything… And, well, I was not wrong!”
I pulled away from her. “That’s what’s up,” I muttered, turning away, lookin’ out at the stars for a moment, feelin’ strange. I didn’t know what the fuck was goin’ on with me, I mean here I was feelin’ genuinely happy that this hybrid orc girl I hardly even fuckin’ knew was throwin’ a rave review about some chicken and waffles I had just brought her, and for what, exactly? Yea, what the fuck did I even go and get the chicken and waffles for? I pondered, turning back to her and lookin’ into her eyes, just ‘cause she said she wanted it, and what, I wanted to make this broad happy? For what? She ain’t even mine. Watch your fuckin’ step, Teek, you’re slippin’ over a bitch that your dumb ass ain’t even stickin’.
“What’s wrong?” Tyzee asked suddenly, an eyebrow raised slightly, lookin’ into my eyes and seein’ somethin’ there, seein’ that my joy had evaporated in just a moment.
I shook my head. “Nothin’, it was a long day. I’m beat.”
Tyzee went to put a hand on my shoulder, but I jerked away quickly before she could, lettin’ her hand touch thin air, causing her to give me a look that asked what the fuck are you doing?
“You should get ready for bed.”
“But I’m not tired...” She reached for me again, and I didn’t move this time but I gave her a hard look, and she removed her hand from me, stood there for a moment. “What is it, Teek? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something?”
“No.” I shook my head, taking her hand in mine. “No, not at all. I just… I just ain’t tryin’ to step on your man’s toes, if he’s at home wringin’ his fuckin’ hands waitin’ for you.”
Tyzee pulled her hand away from mine, giving me a curious, strange look. She looked at me for a moment longer like that, and it seemed like she was about to say something as she opened her mouth, but then the apartment door cracked open and Alelicia was there in the doorway, looking at the two of us. Tyzee shut her mouth, lookin’ from me to her, then back to me. She turned away from me again and shot a venomous look to Alelicia, grumbling how the elf girl always popped up when she wasn’t wanted, shoving passed her and stomping into her room, slamming the door shut behind her.
“What’s up?” I nodded to Alelicia. “You alright?”
“Seems like I keep interrupting you and her.” The hybrid elf girl looked at me intensely. “I just wanted to say I was going to bed, and… Thank you for dinner… I… Well…” She shook her head. “Goodnight, Teek.” She finished, then walked into the apartment, heading towards her room.
“What a fuckin’ day,” I muttered to myself, walkin’ into the apartment, shuttin’ the door behind me and clickin’ the light off. When I had come back in, Skreech was watchin’ something on the news about some scumbag landlord at some joint called the Dozen Diamonds, not too far from where we were stayin’ at. I caught the tale end of it, whatever the story was, but what really grabbed my attention was the guy on the camera, he looked familiar, I could have swore he was the guy I saw earlier at the orc park. The news was doin’ some kinda special investigation segment on this guy, but I missed what the story was.
I woke up a little later than usual the next morning and got ready to head out, noticing that both the girls were givin’ me the cold shoulder. I had meant to get an earlier start and didn’t have the time nor the patience nor even the inclination to see what their fuckin’ problem was, so I cruised down to Big Fat Ton’s orc playground. Luckily the kobold cultists had either gone by already or were somewhere else yellin’ at unsuspecting assholes about the return of Garyx, a real fuckin’ prick of a dragon if there ever was one. Not only did the mention of a dragon give me a bad taste in my mouth ‘cause of that scumbag back in Los Angeles, but I remembered a little of the dragon myths from my youth, it was somethin’ we went over in school when kids were young. I didn’t remember much ‘cause even when I was a kid I didn’t care much for the dragons, figured they had too much of a natural advantage and a fight with ‘em would inherently be unfair, but I did remember that this Garyx asshole was bad fuckin’ news; he was allegedly as evil as evil gets and he slaughtered untold millions in his time, not discriminating against any race in particular but gleefully killing and burning all that he set his red and gold eyes on.
I parked up across the street from the orc’s playground and walked over slowly, finishin’ a cigarette.
“Big Fat’s waitin’ for you,” B-Robb grumbled, standin’ at the open section of the fence again, though this morning with a different orc than yesterday. Guy must be on guard duty for a reason, I thought.
“He don’t like waitin’ all mornin’, ‘specially for a fuckin’ hob. You ain’t got a alarm clock?” B-Robb spat as I walked passed him.
When I headed towards Big Fat Ton and what I took to be his upper echelon crew, as they stood closest to him and his fat orc playground throne, I heard some kind of racket from my left, and turning to look, I realized that a bunch of fat orc kids had turned the giant sandbox in that section of the playground into a fuckin’ swampy sinkhole pit, they had even pulled some of the playground toys into it, so that they were half buried and stickin’ out at weird angles, the kids were splashin’ around in the sludge, gettin’ covered in it, splashin’ each other. I shook my head and approached Big Fat, noticing that shady lookin’ guy from yesterday was there as well, this time in a different colored bowler shirt that also had the name Mikey stitched on it. Big Fat Ton looked over and saw me walkin’ towards him and, lifting a giant, fat hand up into the air, made a come hither motion to me, signaling m
e to come approach this fat slob orc who acted like a king.
As I got closer, Big Fat leaned his prodigious neck and head vaguely towards the greaseball with the bowler shirt and loudly whispered, “this is the guy I was tellin’ you about.” Then, he turned to me. “Look who it is! So you actually decided to come back down my way, huh? Ya weren’t just pullin’ my taffy?”
I snorted a laugh and shook my head. “Nah, Big Fat, like I told ya, I’m here to make a few dollars, live comfortable, ya know. Do my own thing.”
The giant fat orc nodded. “As it turns out, I think I got just the thing to give you a test drive.” He motioned to the human. “See this guy here? Meet Mikey Delolo. Mikey, this hobgoblin here is Teek. He’s gonna solve all your problems back at the Diamonds, and if he don’t, you let me know.”
“Teek, eh? Good to meet ya.” Mikey came up to me, held out his hand for me to shake, which I did, nodding to him. He was a human with a receding hairline, drooping heavy lidded eyes and wide fish lips.
“Same.” I looked towards Big Fat then back to Mikey. “So, what’s the issue?”
Mikey looked over at Big Fat, who nodded to him, giving him the go ahead. “You know where the Diamonds is, Teek?”
“No, I don’t think so. Wait, is it the townhouse complex off York?”
“Yea.” Mikey nodded, startin’ to sweat. “Yea that’s the one. The thing is—”
“Wait.” I was startin’ to remember. “You’re the guy on the news, right?”
Mikey looked over nervously at Big Fat, who groaned and farted loudly, then sparked up a joint.
“Yea,” Mikey responded, lookin’ back to me. “It ain’t what you think though, these fuckin’ people are makin’ me out to be some kinda low life, I mean come on, I gotta eat too, don’t I? These hippie types want to live for free at my place, on my dime, then they go and get to this organization, this… this…”
“Take a breath, Mikey.” Big Fat breathed out a big cloud of stinky weed smoke.
I looked from Big Fat to this Mikey guy. The way I saw it, if the local news was doin’ a fuckin’ segment on you, you had to have done somethin’ wrong; this ‘who, me?’ shit wasn’t flyin’ with me, but if it ended up that this was just a matter of collectin’ some back rent from a few deadbeats, that was easy enough.
“As I was sayin’,” Mikey said after a few moments, “these people are a real pain in my ass. This one couple in particular, a tiefling and his human slut, they party late into the night, ‘causin’ a fuckin’ ruckus and a stink that I have to hear about when the neighbors call to complain. I tell ‘em I can’t do nothin’, they gotta call the police and file a noise complaint, but knowin’ how it is with the cops around here...” He rolled his eyes. “By the time they got around to that call, we’d all be dead and it wouldn’t fuckin’ matter no more anyhow.”
“So where do I come in?” I asked bluntly, not exactly piecing together how I fit in with this beef he was havin’ with some asshole tenants.
“Let the man finish,” Big Fat Ton rumbled, blowin’ big, lazy smoke circles into the air.
“So these two,” Mikey continued, lighting up a black cigarillo, “they’re fuckin’ troublemakers, and that’s bad enough, turnin’ the upgraded townhouse they’re squattin’ at into a fuckin’ shooting gallery, but a few months back, they decided to just stop payin’ rent altogether. The fuckin’ nerve!” He huffed on his cigarillo. “Now I go to them, okay, and I tried to be reasonable. I says to ‘em, listen, you can’t pay, you at least come talk to me, right? You work somethin’ out. I ain’t lookin’ to fuck people. I even says to ‘em, you can’t pay for a month or two, fine, we’ll make a payment plan, a little interest thrown on for my troubles, all that, you know what that tiefling and his skank tell me? They tell me to go fuck myself, they tell me they don’t get fucked by shithead landlords, they do the fuckin’.” I heard Big Fat and some of his orcs snicker at that. “Then they start gettin’ rowdy, the gal is yellin’ in my face about goin’ to the press, goin’ to the news, I says to her, listen bitch, go to wherever ya wanna go but ya still owe me rent money, we got us a contract.” Mikey paused for a moment, wiping off a black ash from his cigarillo that had fallen onto his bowler shirt. “So her and this tiefling junkie of hers start fuckin’ raving about goin’ to the R.D.O.”
“The R.D.O.?” I looked at him somewhat puzzled.
“Yea, right, the R.D.O.” Mikey nodded. “The god damn Racial Discrimination Organization, a real fuckin’ headache. Bunch of social justice warriors that come down hard on landlords for any actions taken against interracial couples, and since the guy is a fuckin’ tiefling, they took their cause up real quick. They been sendin’ me letters, threatenin’ me with litigation if I attempt to evict these two shit birds or attempt to claim any rent money due pending evaluations and investigations and all this other bureaucratic horseshit, and now I’m in a fuckin’ jam ‘cause if these people come see that my shit ain’t up to code then I’m fucked!” He was gettin’ red splotches in his face and sweatin’ profusely.
“So, what do ya think, hob?” Big Fat gleefully beamed down at me.
I shrugged my shoulders. “Sounds like a real headache, but I’m still not seein’ where I come in here. Do you want me to whack these two or somethin’? That seems extreme.” I noticed Big Fat shaking his fat head, laughing. “Why not have a couple guys from your crew go rough them up, toss ‘em out on their asses and change the locks?”
“That’s a big no no.” Big Fat suddenly turned serious, wagging a fat sausage finger. “We’ve been tryin’ to avoid any unnecessary attention, and orcs usin’ violence against some asshole tiefling and his human bitch for the benefit of a landlord that’s already in the public eye would draw a lotta heat.” He twirled his fat fingers around in the air. “This comes from on high, of course, The Pale Spider. I’m all about solvin’ problems the good old way, but I don’t need the fuckin’ cops crackin’ down on my people more than they already are, much less the Spider.”
“I see,” I responded after a moment, “so instead of sendin’ your own people in there to rough these two jerk offs up, you’re havin’ me throw ‘em a beatin’?”
“Yes!” Mikey nodded enthusiastically, his face trembling. “Fuck yes! Fuck them up, throw ‘em a beatin’ they’ll never fuckin’ forget, tell ‘em Mikey sends his fuckin’ regards!”
“No,” Big Fat snapped. “Shut the fuck up over there, Mikey. And you Teek, use your judgement. If you gotta get a little rough with ‘em after all other options are spent, then do what ya gotta do, but remember, you’re a fuckin’ free agent as far as anyone’s concerned, none of this can come back to me or my people. You can't bring down heat on you or any of us.”
“Fair enough,” I grumbled. “So what it comes down to is one way or another, you want me to get these two outta there without it bein’ too much trouble?”
Big Fat nodded, his chins wobbling. “Correct. Mikey’ll fill ya in on where they’re at, the other details. You take care of this for me satisfactorily...” He leaned forward some, his dark, surprisingly intelligent eyes boring into mine. “And when you come back, we’ll talk about your future here.”
I nodded to him. “Alright. We’ll see what’s what. I’ll go over with Mikey and scope it out today, give me a few days to figure how I’m gonna get ‘em outta there.”
“Okay,” Big Fat Ton rumbled, then turned to Mikey. “Go ‘head and take ‘em over to the Diamonds, Mikey, show ‘em around the place, give ‘em the grand tour,” the plump orc chortled.
Mikey nodded to Big Fat, then to another large orc that was standing by Big Fat’s playground seat, then started headin’ over towards the sidewalk and the old Mercedes he had parked there. I followed him outta the playground and when we got to his car he asked if I wanted to ride over with him but I told him I’d follow him in my car, pointing over to the Mustang. I hopped in and when he pulled up and started drivin’ I pulled behind him. We drove down route 13 until it turned into Frankford Avenu
e, then we turned off into Kensington. Kensington was a real orc and human stronghold, they ran the open air drug market infamous in the area together and the Dozen Diamonds townhouses complex was nearby.
There was a crowd already outside of the complex and a news truck and news crew near the crowd when I got there with Mikey. The crowd was a real mixed bag of mostly humans, some orcs, tieflings, a couple bugbears, and some of ‘em were waving around posters with ad hoc scribbles, like “ALLS FAIR IN LOVE & HOME, EXCEPT WHEN YOUR LANDLORD RAPES YOUR WALLET,” and “R.D.O. ALL THE WAY, SHITTY LANDLORDS WONT TAKE YOUR HOME TODAY!” and others with more generic, “R.D.O.” tags and images of orcs and humans hugging each other in front of apartment buildings, which I thought was a bit of a stretch. An overweight elven news anchor was nervously looking around the crowd for someone he thought decent enough to approach, and, spotting a decent looking female human, quickly ran over to her with the microphone.
“Excuse me, miss,” the elf began, dressed to the nines, thrusting the microphone into the girl’s face. “Can you tell us a bit about...” He waved his other hand around, motioning towards the girl and the crowd. “What’s going on here, what the protest is about?” He asked this with a shit eating grin, already well aware of what it was about.
“Yea!” The girl shouted, holding up one of those generic R.D.O. posters. “We’re here to hold this landlord to account! He has to take responsibility for the way he has unfairly treated a number of his tenants!”
I shook my head and continued to follow Mikey up the long driveway, into the parking lot and around the back to the office building.
“You believe this fuckin’ shit?” He exclaimed, slamming his car door shut as I walked up to him. “I didn’t do nothin’ to deserve this, man, nothin’!”
“Alright, alright. Show me where their place is, the tiefling guy and his human.”
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