by Hanna Peach
Alyx matched Mason’s stance, her arms folding tightly across herself like a shield. She prepared herself.
Jordan spoke, “I never meant… I thought it for the best…”
“Best for her, or best for you?” sneered Mason.
Alyx stared at Jordan’s face. The regret and guilt was clearly written there. He had kept secrets from her. What he was feeling − being caught keeping secrets from the one you love − it resonated in her chest. She too knew this feeling…so familiar but…not. Her heart felt tight, as if these forgotten things contained within it were ready to burst. What was going on?
Jordan began to speak, “I can’t say I’m not happy that it happened. Because it gave me a chance with you. It gave us a real chance. Before, I never even had a hope. Your love for him already saturated your heart, so there was no room for even the possibility of anyone else.”
“Who? Who did I love?”
“You are − were, are − I don’t know…in love with Israel. But you’ve forgotten.”
Alyx felt her body flush with anger. “Is this some kind of joke? Is this some kind of twisted way of pushing me away?”
“No, Alyx.” The sadness in Jordan’s voice was enough to soften the anger. “I wouldn’t do that.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“He’s telling you the truth, Alyx,” Mason said.
Alyx shook her head. “No. No. If I loved someone else I would never have fallen for…” You. Her head snapped up, catching Jordan’s pained gaze. “How? How did this happen?” she demanded.
“The MemoryThief,” Mason said. “She took your memories of loving Israel.”
Flashes came back to her. Falling to the floor of the tunnels. A voice. Just let go. Then a tug…
“It happened just before I came for you in the cathedral,” she said to Jordan, her voice sounding dull to her ears.
He nodded. “That night, you looked at me, you really looked at me for the first time. All I wanted was for you to really see me. If you really saw me and still decided to be with him I could at least live with that.”
“That’s why you told us to keep this from her, isn’t it?” said Mason. “You just wanted a chance to get her into bed.”
“No. That’s not… I didn’t…”
Alyx stared at Jordan. “You told them to keep this from me? For how long?”
Jordan’s chin dropped. “Since Mayrekk passed away.”
Only one day.
“If we could only have one day, just you and me, would you still take it?”
Alyx blinked, surprised at the tears that welled from somewhere in the depths of her soul. A well so deep but just forgotten.
“I need to see him.”
Chapter 34
Alyx stood by the compartment where Israel lay inside. She had her hand on the handle, but she couldn’t bring herself to enter just yet. Her stomach ached. This just felt so wrong, like a betrayal to Jordan. How could she have had those feelings for Israel? How could it feel so right with Jordan if she was supposed to be in love with someone else?
She could feel Jordan’s presence behind her, but she didn’t turn around. Her hand tightened on the handle. She’d go in there and see Israel and she’d feel nothing, and then she could go back out here and move on from this huge mistake.
Alyx kept her eyes on the floor as she entered Israel’s compartment and closed the door behind her. She could see the body in the bed covered by the white sheet in her periphery. It took no more than two steps before she was by his side.
She could see his hand and his arm, lying by his side over the sheet. She was shocked at the curiosity that rose in her to touch him. She remained still for several more moments. Procrastinating. Delaying. But the longer she stared at his hand, the more she wondered what it would be like to lace her fingers in his. This urge invading her body felt foreign, yet…something about it resonated in a place deep within her.
She could hold off no more. She lifted her eyes to his face.
She saw the lines of his cheekbones and his jaw and the scar across his lips. It hit her in the chest like an electric shock, bringing the ghost in her back to life.
It felt like love at first sight.
She had no memories of their love to draw upon, no memories of loving him, but she felt it deep in her soul, in the place that existed eternally. The place beyond memories. Beyond magic.
“Israel,” she whispered, and it rolled off her tongue as if she had been saying his name for an eternity. She felt it. She felt the love she had forgotten.
What was she going to do?
In her chest she could still feel her heart beating for Jordan. But now, in the background, she heard the echo of another heartbeat.
* * *
Jordan was waiting for her outside.
His face, completely forlorn, reminded her of a kicked puppy. This caused her blood to burn. How dare he? How dare he act like he was the one who had been wronged?
“We need to talk,” she said.
She moved through the station and out of the north gate, not even bothering to check that he was following her. Only when she felt far enough away from the Saint’s Revenge did she stop. She spun. Jordan had stopped some meters away from her; he didn’t make a move to get any closer. Why wasn’t he coming to hold her, to soothe her? Couldn’t he see that she was angry and hurting?
For a moment they just stared at each other.
“This is what ‘our only night together’ was about, wasn’t it? You should have told me, then.”
“I just wanted to know what we could be like if…if he wasn’t around.”
“But he is. And you can’t expect me to just cut him out of my life.”
Alyx could see the hardness returning to his face and she knew she was losing him to his mask again.
When he spoke again his voice sounded like a stranger’s. “I am sorry that you feel hurt and I am sorry that you feel that I should have told you sooner. But I didn’t do this to you and I accept no responsibility for what happened. I am not sorry for wanting to be with you. I am not sorry that we got this chance.”
Why was he being so cold?
“No, don’t you understand? I’m just trying to tell you how weird this is for me. To think that there is some part of my life, some important part that I just can’t remember. To be in love with Israel and to have that taken away…I feel so…violated.”
He shrugged. “What do you want from me?”
“Tell me, what am I supposed to do? God, what am I supposed to say to him when he wakes up?” Guilt stabbed her so hard it caused her eyes to water.
He straightened up. “You do what you want.” Then he turned and began to walk away.
Alyx closed her eyes against the flood of pain and loneliness.
Please come back. I need you.
But when she opened her eyes he had gone.
She felt a sob rising to her throat and she covered her mouth to contain it. He hadn’t even fought for her. He hadn’t even tried. How much could he really care, then?
No, a voice within her said. He is just trying to protect himself and doing it in the only way he knows. Shutting off.
“Alyx.”
For a moment she thought Jordan had returned.
“Mason. It’s you.”
She felt some relief at the sight of the father-like captain of the Saint’s Clan walking towards her. When he reached her, he frowned and brushed a tear from her cheek. He tsked and pulled her into a hug. She accepted it and felt herself soothe even more.
“I came to tell yer that Dianne is ready.”
She pulled back from him. “Ready?”
“To give yer back yer memories.”
“To…” Alyx blinked. But… Did she want them back? What would happen if she took them back? What would happen if she didn’t?
Mason’s frown deepened. “Alyx, you’re not thinking of not taking them back?”
“I…”
He growled. “This is because of
that rat-bastard Jordan, isn’t it?”
“He’s not—”
“No? Then what is he doing leaving you alone to cry like this?” Mason huffed and cracked his knuckles, muttering under his breath. “Alyx, you have no idea how much Israel loves you. He would die for you. And you love him – you just don’t remember. Not this Jordan guy.”
“But…it feels too soon to make this decision… I need more time to think.” I need to talk to Jordan.
“Alyx, it would kill Israel if you didn’t remember him when he woke up.”
Chapter 35
Alyx knelt next to Dianne in the MemoryThief’s cage. Dianne had her hand on the MemoryThief’s forehead and Mason held the MemoryThief down by her arms as she struggled and cried out.
If Jordan were here, he would give her DreamWalker to calm down. But he wasn’t. Alyx hadn’t been able to find him – not in the station, not at the cathedral, not anywhere. So she had given in to Mason and come here without speaking to him.
Dianne nodded. “I’ve found them.”
Alyx’s breath trembled past her lips as Dianne reached for her forehead. For a second she almost called out for this to stop. Dianne’s hand pressed onto her sweaty forehead. Suddenly her forehead felt hot. The room heated as waves of power overwhelmed her.
It all came back, each thread of memory hitting her all at once. All of it. The pleasure and the pain of it tearing through her heart so fiercely that it ripped the breath from her.
…Israel sprang out of his roll, took to his feet and faced her. Their eyes met for the first time...
…She sank against his chest, into the crook of his arm, the rest of her body fitting against him. All the air left her lungs. She felt him exhale as well. And she felt an overwhelming release. Peace. “Why do you fit so perfectly here?”…
…Alyx pushed open the door to the roof of the theater and pulled Israel out with her. He fell into her and they spun, giggling, catching each other. “What are we doing up here?”
“You’ll see.”
“You keep saying that, but I can hardly see a damn thing.”
“Do you trust me?”
“Completely.”…
…Alyx traced her fingers across his top lip and pressed her mouth to it, soft like the first drops of spring rain, her thumb trapped between the corners of their mouths. A rush filled her head. He gasped. Or did she? She wasn’t sure. She pulled back to look at him. The way he was looking at her was...like he was seeing the stars for the first time…
…“Dark Angel.” His fingers escaped from her hair and ran down her back, hands resting at the base of her spine for a moment. Then he grabbed her, lifted her up and pulled her legs around him. Soon there was no space left between them…
…“Oh, won’t you look at us. An angel and a demon in love. Do you think God will ever forgive you for making such a stupid decision? Or do you think they have special places in Hell reserved for creatures like us? Does this make me the bad guy now? Should we be fighting instead of fucking, angel?”…
…“Despite everything you’ve done, I still love you, Alyx.”…
Dianne’s hands slipped off Alyx’s drenched forehead as she collapsed forward, hands on the ground.
Her heart swelled to burst as the fullness of her love for Israel flooded back into the void like a river that had been undammed. But the void had now been filled with her love for Jordan.
The two sides fought for space, both trying to exist, both a betrayal to the other. Her heart and soul fought to reconcile itself. But…it couldn’t.
Something inside her cracked. A pained cry tore from her throat and her hands gripped the ground so tightly it ripped at her fingernails. Every heartbeat was now also a heartbreak.
“Alyx,” Dianne was calling her name. “Are you okay?”
Alyx blinked her eyes open. She was lying on the ground now, Dianne’s and Mason’s faces peering at her in concern. She was vaguely aware that she had been taken outside of the MemoryThief’s cage.
“Did it work?” asked Mason. “What happened?” But she didn’t get a chance to answer.
“Alyx. Alyx,” came an urgent call. It was Owl. He was puffing as he came around the corner. “Tobias says the cure is ready. He says that you should be there when Israel wakes up.”
Chapter 36
Alyx knocked on Israel’s compartment door and entered. Tobias was already at Israel’s side. Without a word, she closed the door behind her. But she couldn’t bring herself to move any closer to him. She wiped her face, still damp with sweat, and tried to smooth her hair down.
Tobias moved aside and she saw Israel’s face. Guilt began to pool in her stomach, making her nauseous. What would she tell him when he woke?
While you were dying, I forgot about you and fell in love with someone else. The thought tore at her. How could she tell him? Then how could she ask to be forgiven?
“It’s not your fault, you know,” Tobias’s voice broke softly into her thoughts.
She looked up at the gentle face that he had turned towards her.
“Then why does it hurt like this?”
“Because that’s who you are, Alyx. You take on responsibility willingly, without question. Even when it’s not yours to take.”
“It sucks.”
“It’s what makes you, you. Your compassion, your empathy – it’s what gives you strength.”
“I don’t feel very strong.”
“Maybe not on the surface. But true strength is never on the surface.” He turned to Israel.
“I took my memories back. Did I do the right thing?”
A silence hung in the air. “That is a difficult question to answer, Alyx. A mind missing parts, especially such a significant part such as you had, can be…unstable. I have seen it in some of the Seraphim who have escaped the society and had their memories tampered with… The ‘re-educated’ as Michael calls them.”
“What happens to them?”
“It manifests itself in many ways…sometimes aggression and extreme anger, sometimes paranoia, insomnia…sometimes they just go crazy. Like the MemoryThief.”
“The MemoryThief?”
Tobias nodded. “She was one of Michael’s ‘re-educated’.” He paused. “I can see that you love Jordan. But with your memories of Israel back, how you will be able to reconcile these two loves, these two parts of you, the consequences…”
Alyx’s heart throbbed. She was already feeling the consequences.
“What will happen to me?” It came out a whisper.
“I don’t know.”
“So…damned if I do, damned if I don’t.”
“I’m sorry, Alyx.” Tobias laid the back of his hand on Israel’s forehead. “He should wake soon.”
“What should I do?”
“Well, it depends on whether you want to be here when he—”
“That’s not what I’m asking.”
“Alyx, I can’t tell you who to love. No one can.”
There was a moan that came from Israel, and it caused Alyx’s heart to skip. Tobias turned back to his patient. “He’s waking.”
Alyx stayed frozen to the wall, clinging to it for support, her eyes on Israel’s face. Israel moaned again and his eyelashes flickered. “Alyx,” he whispered. Her name from his lips tore at her heart.
She closed her eyes, praying for strength.
Suddenly there was a shuddering of wood and a mad creaking.
“Oh, God,” she heard Tobias cry. “Something’s wrong.”
Her eyes flew open to see Israel convulsing in his bed, his head bent back, his veins purple and angry against his pale skin.
“What’s wrong?” she demanded.
“I don’t know. I don’t know.”
Tobias tried to hold Israel down as he continued to thrash, and Alyx rushed forward from the wall to help.
But as quickly as he had started thrashing, he suddenly stopped. His body relaxed and he shrank back into his pillow. The veins shrank back from the surface of his sk
in, leaving it powder-pale. He looked as still as death.
“Oh, God,” Tobias said as he pulled his hands back from Israel’s arms. “He’s freezing.” Tobias reached for his wrist to search for a pulse.
Alyx already knew he couldn’t be dead. If he dies, I die. And I am still alive.
She barely heard Tobias saying that he could feel a pulse.
It didn’t work. The potion that she risked her life and Jordan’s life to get – it didn’t work. And now Mayrekk was dead and there was no one else who could help her like he could or tell her where she went wrong.
It was all up to her.
In a numbing haze she walked from the compartment. She walked out of the station moving through tunnel after tunnel. She didn’t know where she was going. She just needed to be alone. To escape. To think.
What the hell could she do now?
Her breath caught and her feet stopped moving as a thought crossed her mind.
She reached into her shirt and pulled out the necklace Balthazar had given her. The chain of Raphael’s charm had twisted around and around with the chain of Balthazar’s communicator. At the end of the chains, the charm and the cage lay together. Seraphim and Devil. Good and Evil. How fitting that they had twisted together.
Her fingers traced the small cage in her palm. Balthazar was Lucifer’s closest and most trusted. Balthazar must know of demon poisons. He must know of their cures. She had no choice. Balthazar was her last hope.
* * *
Alyx pulled herself from the manhole into the deserted street. As she walked through the shadows she remembered what Jordan had said about Purgatory.
“You can get to Purgatory from Nordlingen or, indeed, anywhere. But for safety reasons I always make it a point to enter from a different city. Just in case someone follows me out.”
Alyx didn’t have time to fly to another city. She would have to risk it by entering through Saint Joseph. She strode to the space where she could see number 11 and number 15. She pulled out the Communicator that Balthazar had given her, the small cage at the end of her chain swinging as it pulled from her collar. The tiny creature within flitted in what appeared to be agitation. She lifted the cage to her face and whispered, “Quaero Quero.” At once the demon butterfly stilled and glowed. Then she stepped into the slip of time and space into Purgatory.
