by Hanna Peach
“Birds.”
“Birds?”
“Love is like a wild bird in your hand.”
“’Cause it shits on you?”
In the dark he heard the Elder snort. “Because it is delicate, beautiful and hard to tame.”
“I like my metaphor better.”
The Elder was silent.
“Okay,” Israel acquiesced, “what do I need to learn about this wild bird?”
“What would happen if you held onto the bird too tightly?”
“I don’t know,” Israel said finally. “The bird would suffocate, I guess.” He realized what the Elder was trying to say and he bristled. “I’m not suffocating her.”
“I thought you didn’t want to talk about her?”
Now it was Israel’s turn to snort. “Fine. I’m not suffocating the bird.”
“So open your hands, Israel.”
“But then she, I mean, the bird will fly away.”
“Maybe she will. Maybe that’s where she belongs. If she truly belongs to you, she will return. But you’ll never know until you let her go.”
* * *
“Tell me what’s wrong.”
Alyx let out the breath that she had been holding as Cleo sat patiently on the mattress in front of her. “Nothing. Everything. I don’t know… I don’t know where to start.”
“Start with his name.”
Alyx flinched. “How do you know it involves a man?”
Cleo smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Doesn’t it always?”
Hesitantly, Alyx told Cleo the story of what had happened with Israel and Jordan, leaving out their names. As she spoke, the vanilla scent was getting stronger and thicker, along with something more…spicy.
“And now I’ve hurt the two people I care about most,” Alyx said. “I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what to do. And I can’t even talk to either of them about it. They both hate me.”
“They don’t hate you. They’re both angry because they’re both in love with you.”
“What the hell do I do with that?” Alyx took in another deep breath and let it all out in a sigh. “Israel said I should choose. But how do I choose?” Alyx noticed too late that she said his name.
“How do you feel about both of them?”
“Well, the first one…even before I met him, I just…needed to be near him. When I’m with him it feels right. Our bond is…is…beyond magic.”
“Sounds perfect.”
“But he’s so immature and rash and I just become stupid and jealous around him. It feels so childish and strained and just…hard.”
“And the other?”
“The feelings I have for him grew from nothing. He’s older, more mature. With him there are no games, no hiding his feelings and he’s already told me he wants forever. With him it’s just…easy. It was easy.”
“But?”
“But…” But what? Wasn’t Jordan the logical choice? Wasn’t he the one that she should be with? “But… I don’t know. I care about him. I do. I just don’t know how I could be with him forever and miss out on the feeling I get when I’m with Israel.”
“What feeling is that?”
“That I was meant for that person.”
Cleo took in a deep audible breath and let it out in one long hum. “It’s a tough choice.”
“And one I just can’t deal with right now.”
“What else is going on?”
Alyx felt the tears begin to well up in her eyes. She lowered her face to her knees and used her palms to rub aside the moisture. “I did a bad thing.”
Cleo smiled. “I doubt that anything you would ever do would be so bad.”
Alyx nodded. “I did. And it’s bad. I made a deal with someone I shouldn’t have. And now, if I don’t find a way to kill a demon lord in seven days, I have doomed Israel to Hell.”
“I’m sure the consequences just seem like they’re−”
“No, no. I mean literally doomed to Hell. Lucifer, fire, brimstone, the whole nine yards.”
“Oh. That sounds…”
“Bad?”
“I was going to say ‘really shitty’, but we can go with ‘bad’.”
The smoke coming out of the lantern was beginning to get thicker, the spicy scent had now overtaken the vanilla. Alyx frowned at the lantern. It was beginning to get really cloudy in there.
She flinched as she saw something move through the sheer red curtains. Oh God. She could see the shadows of things moving around the bed, slithering and stalking around them like lions. Her weapons. She had left her weapons outside with those…those things.
Alyx grabbed Cleo and pulled her from the edge of the bed. “Stay back. There’s something out there.”
Cleo laughed and the sound echoed around the space they were in. “Relax, Alyx. You wanted to escape. We’re escaping.”
The smoke was so thick and pouring out of the lantern now. It was the smoke. There was something in the smoke. She had to stop the smoke from−
Cleo pushed herself away from Alyx. She giggled as she bounced across the mattress, slipping out through the curtains and out of sight.
“Cleo,” Alyx hissed. She glanced around her for something she could use as a weapon but saw only pillows. A fine weapon that would make. Not.
Resigned to fighting with nothing, Alyx climbed through the curtains after her. Her hands were already in fists by her face, her muscles tense and ready to attack. She dropped to a crouch on the grass and squinted in the warm sunlight. Wait, what?
As her eyes adjusted to the light, Alyx could see she was crouching in a well-manicured garden with rows of bushes on her left and Cleo standing frozen to the spot beside her. As far as she could see, they were alone.
“Where are we?” Alyx whispered to Cleo. And where had the shadows gone?
Cleo turned her head towards a large white house across from the lawn. “I used to live here. When I was a child.” Her voice was lost and faraway.
“Suzanne,” a female voice called from the house.
Cleo flinched.
“Who’s Suzanne?” Alyx asked.
Cleo turned, a startled look on her face. She grabbed Alyx by the hand and began to run towards an opening in the bushes. Alyx kept up with her, pushing branches and leaves out of the way. Alyx got the sense that under this clean and manicured surface hid something dark and twisted. Was this Cleo’s subconscious? What would leak out?
“Cleo, why are we running? Cleo?”
Cleo didn’t answer. She continued to push forward, her breath heavy and jagged, pulling Alyx along behind her. Alyx felt the branches give way to open space as they stepped out of the bushes.
Cleo halted and a small gasp came from her. Alyx stepped out from behind Cleo and realized they were now in a room. The bushes that they had just stepped from weren’t there anymore. The grass was now a cream carpet.
They were in a woman’s bedroom with walls painted pale blue and cream, a large unmade bed with cream and gold striped sheets, white painted furniture covered with lace doilies and dressed with glass bowls filled with pale yellow and pink roses that gave off a light, sweet smell.
Where were they?
“You’ve put on weight, Suzanne.”
The voice came from a woman who Alyx hadn’t noticed, sitting on a cushioned chair in front of the gilded mirror that was positioned against a corner. The woman had her back to them, but Alyx could see her looking at them in the mirror. The woman was wearing a pale blue and silver kimono dressing gown, and her fingers, with long French manicured nails, were clasped around the knees of her painfully thin legs, which were crossed in front of her.
“I-I’m s-sorry...” Cleo began to stutter beside her. Alyx realized that Cleo’s real name must have been Suzanne.
“You shouldn’t eat so much, Suzanne. It’s not so good for a woman to eat so much. Not if you want to retain your figure.”
The woman stared back at Cleo through the mirror. Her voice poured with emotion, but her fore
head and her cheeks stayed smooth. What was wrong with her face?
“There are so many girls, younger than you, prettier than you, threatening to take away what belongs to you. My darling Suzanne. You must be careful. You must look after yourself and your man. Make him love you, make him stay. You must be as beautiful as you can, my darling, otherwise…what are you?”
Alyx’s mouth opened and her chest filled with indignant rage.
The woman picked up a brush and a pot of something pale and liquid. “Come over here and let me try to make you beautiful.”
Cleo stepped forward. Alyx grabbed her arm and called her name, but Cleo wasn’t responding. The woman gave Cleo a sharp look through the mirror. “Although that may be impossible if you don’t stop eating.”
“I’m sorry, Mother. I’ll try and stop.”
Alyx’s hand on Cleo’s arm dropped in shock. Mother? Cleo continued to trudge towards her mother.
Alyx unfroze and started forward, determined to stop this nonsense. She grabbed Cleo’s shoulders and spun her away from her mother. Alyx shook the girl. “Cleo, snap out of it.”
Cleo blinked at her once, twice and the realization crept across her face. “Please. Let’s get out of here.”
Alyx nodded. Cleo ran to the door, Alyx close behind her.
“Where are you going?” Cleo’s mother demanded from her seat.
Cleo turned the door handle and pushed at the door, but it wouldn’t open.
“You can’t leave, Suzanne. You won’t ever be able to get rid of me,” the woman said with a bitter laugh.
Cleo began to jiggle the door handle frantically and pounded at the door. She was starting to freak out. “Please let go of me. Let go.” The desperation in her voice was evident.
Alyx pushed her aside. “Here, let me try.” Alyx jiggled the door handle and shouldered the door, but it still wouldn’t open.
Her mother began to laugh. “You’ve put on weight, Suzanne.”
Cleo shook her head and covered her ears with her hands.
“You shouldn’t eat so much, Suzanne.”
Alyx froze. Those words. The mother was repeating those same words…like she was stuck in a loop. Alyx glanced at Cleo. Her face was drawn and her eyes were rounded and wooden-looking. She had to get Cleo out of here, now. She spotted the slip of light between the half-drawn curtains trimmed with lace. Alyx grabbed Cleo’s hand and pulled her towards the window.
“It’s not so good for a woman to eat so much. Not if you want to retain your figure.”
Alyx jumped forward, kicking her legs out in front of her and smashing through the glass feet first, pulling Cleo behind her. They fell down into darkness.
* * *
Alyx opened her eyes, blinking. Her head felt fuzzy. She was lying facedown on a bed. On Cleo’s bed. A hint of vanilla hit her nose and she remembered...the smoke. The weird Dream. Or was it a Dream at all?
Alyx rolled over and sat up quickly. Too quickly. She groaned as her head pounded. Cleo was already awake, her knees up to her chest, her chin tucked between her knees and her arms wrapped around her calves.
“I’m sorry you had to see that,” Cleo said, not even looking at Alyx. Her voice was quiet. “My mother was never the nicest of people. I don’t remember her often.”
“That...was a memory?”
Cleo nodded almost imperceptibly. Then she shrugged. “It happens sometimes in the Dream. Something sets a memory off and then suddenly you are reliving it again. Playing it out again like a record.”
Alyx wondered if it was worse to have not known your parents or to have known them and know that they were horrible people. No, not horrible, Alyx thought. Messed up and unaware. And unfortunately the consequences lay heavily on Cleo. Actions are like stones thrown in a pond, they ripple out and affect those around us, even if we never meant them to.
Like her actions...with Israel...and Jordan.
“That’s enough reminiscing for today.” Cleo wiped her face and slipped off of the bed. She strode over to her dresser where she began to pull out clothes. “I have to start work soon. You can stay if you like until I finish.”
Alyx frowned. “I thought you had the day off.”
“I did. Yesterday.”
Alyx’s blood turned cold. “What do you mean, yesterday? I’ve only been here a few hours.”
Cleo slipped a wine-colored dress over her head, and it skimmed over her hips like a bloody waterfall. “DreamDust can certainly make you feel that way. But really you’ve been here for more than a day.”
Oh God. Alyx had lost a day.
Chapter 5
Five days…
How could she have lost a day?
“DreamDust?” Alyx demanded. “What the hell is DreamDust?”
Cleo shrugged. “DreamWalker but...better.”
Alyx’s mouth dropped open. What had she done? Idiot. Stupid. Idiot. She had sought to hide from her problems, and all she had done was to make them worse. A whole day. She had lost a whole day in here, high off DreamDust. She had five days left to defeat Samyara.
Something inside her wanted to hide again. It begged her to take more DreamDust so she could disappear for another day and another and hopefully if she just kept disappearing, all her problems would go away too.
Her second reaction was anger. Cleo did this. Cleo kept her here and fed her drugs and caused her to lose a day. If she failed, it would be Cleo’s fault.
But before she could start yelling, something inside her cracked. A cold feeling oozed out across her body, hardening her like stone. The voice inside her growled louder than ever before, firm and dominant. That’s enough. Get up. Move. You have things to do.
Yes, she had felt enough of the consequences of trying to hide from her problems. She couldn’t do this alone. And she couldn’t do this without letting in the people around her who wanted to help.
Alyx remembered that Cleo had just told her, “Something sets a memory off and then suddenly you are reliving it again. Playing it out again like a record.” This gave her an idea. A brilliant idea.
For the first time in a long time, things looked clear. Colors in the room looked sharper and her mind was bursting with anticipation to get back to the others and start moving towards taking down Samyara. Her heart swelled as it filled up with unstoppable purpose.
Alyx couldn’t help the small smile on her mouth. Coming here wasn’t a total loss. Even though she would have to apologize – say sorry, wade through making things right – she would. Bit by bit she would right her wrongs. She would start by leaving this place.
Alyx dressed and armed quickly. She was striding towards the door before Cleo had even gotten her eye makeup on.
“When will I see you again?” Cleo asked.
Alyx spun. She studied Cleo standing at her dresser, her big eyes expectant. Before, Alyx had only seen Cleo’s polished exterior, like an antique vase that had been coated in paint to hide the cracks underneath. But now she saw them all: the bags under Cleo’s eyes, the hollowness to her cheeks, the slight sickly yellow tinge to her golden skin. Once upon a time, Alyx would have scowled in disgust at Cleo’s addiction to DreamDust. But now…she understood.
“You won’t,” Alyx said as gently as she could. “I’m not coming back here. I won’t use you and DreamDust to hide from my problems.” Cleo’s mouth dropped open and anger began to feather across her features, but Alyx continued before Cleo could speak. “I can’t run anymore. I have to face my problems head-on every time. I’ve seen how much more damage I cause to myself and the people I care about if I don’t face them.” Alyx felt her face soften. “Cleo, if you ever want to, you know, stop using, to face your life...you can come to me.”
Cleo looked like she had been slapped. “How dare you come here and judge me after I helped you. I’m not an addict.” The pain on Cleo’s face was evident. “It’s just for fun. I’m not hiding from anything.”
“Cleo, I’m not judging you. I understand why you do what you do. I want to help y
ou.”
Cleo’s face twisted into rage. “Get out.”
“Cleo−”
“Get the hell out of my room and never come back. Get out, get the hell out!”
Alyx nodded a small goodbye and left.
* * *
Cleo heard the door click shut behind Alyx. Like the sound of a latch opening something that had been locked away inside her, Cleo’s chest began to fill with a sharp pain. Her lungs contracted around it, trying to contain it until the first sob tore from her mouth.
No, she demanded at herself as she swallowed the next sob, I won’t cry. Crying will give me wrinkles and ruin my makeup and make my eyes red and my skin blotchy.
She froze. The sound of her own voice in her head sounded so much like her mother’s. Oh. God.
A voice trickled into her mind. A voice she hadn’t heard in a while. Even though you try and run from it, you are becoming more and more like her every day. Until you decide to stop running. Until you stop the cycle.
Cleo shook her head. No. Can’t. Deal. Can’t…
On shaky legs she walked over to her dresser and opened the top drawer. Inside were vials and small clear bags of powders. She needed something to take the edge off. Something…anything…
Alyx’s words came back into her head. “I can’t run anymore. I have to face my problems head-on every time. I’ve seen how much more damage I cause to myself and the people I care about if I don’t face them.”
Cleo stared at her drawer filled with colorful and fleeting distractions. What was she doing? What kind of numb existence was this? This raw truth swelled inside her, hungry and pained, before she could stop it. Maybe, this time, she didn’t want to stop it.
Before she realized what she was doing, she grabbed the edge of the drawer with both hands and yanked it out. The drawer crashed to the floor and cracked. The vials and bags inside tumbled out and smashed across the ground in a puff of bright powder and glassy dust.
* * *
A flood of relief hit Jordan when he spotted Alyx trying to sneak past him back into the underground station. The relief wasn’t enough to quell his anger. He stepped out of the shadows where he had been waiting and grabbed her arm, forcing her to stop. “Where the hell have you been?”
