“It’s the topic of the evening, is it not?”
The topic of the evening? How the hell did that even spread? I growled, annoyed that this was how my night was going. I deserved respect because I was an alpha, not because I was going to mate with one. “It shouldn’t be.”
I turned away from him, annoyed and wanting nothing to do with him. I sniffed the air to figure out which direction I wanted to go and went to my mate.
He was standing with Jackson and Cain, no doubt confirming any last-minute plans for the rest of the night. Did he know people knew we were mates? Wasn’t he the one who wanted secrecy? It didn’t look good if someone was spreading information like that; it meant there was someone we couldn’t trust.
Diana grabbed my arm, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I sighed. Again, I didn’t get to go to my mate. “Now you talk to me?” I snapped without thinking. I opened my mouth to apologize for snapping, but her hand collided with my cheek. I blinked several times, trying desperately to process what just happened. My cheek stung, and I could tell it would be red, if not bruising, when I looked at it later. I looked at her in disbelief, suppressing the urge to fight her. I looked at her face and noticed her eyes were red and puffy, as if she’d been crying. What was going on? “You better explain yourself right now.”
“I need to explain myself? What about you? I’ve been distant, so you keep things from me? You have no right.”
I growled at her, “I don’t know what you’re going on about.”
“Don’t play stupid.”
Goddess. “What’s your problem?”
She shoved me, “My brother!”
I didn’t even think before I lashed out at her. She had picked the wrong day to mess with me. After my nightmare about Gabby this morning, the memories of Dad letting Mom die, then both Dylan and Drake, I couldn’t take it. Even if she wanted to leave my pack, I was her alpha. I deserved her respect, and I didn’t even know what she was talking about, anyway.
I tackled her to the ground, my claws out and digging into her wrists as I pinned her down. My teeth were long, and I was growling at her, ready to tear into her throat. She cried out, kicking and screaming for me to get off her. I saw Maverick ready to pounce on me out of the corner of my eye, before someone wrapped their arms around me and pulled me off her.
I hissed, thrashing around in the arms of my captive. How dare someone interrupt me? I was an alpha and someone here deserved to learn a lesson. “Selene.” Sebastian’s voice broke through my thoughts, the warmth clouding my mind and calming me down. I stopped fighting, and he let me go. I turned and glared at him, letting him know I was pissed and silently hoping he got the message that I would give him hell for this later.
I stared down at Diana. “I am your alpha, and I demand your respect.”
She sat up, Maverick behind her, helping her up. She scoffed at me, “You are no alpha of mine.”
CHAPTER 20
They put his body in one of the cells Jackson had on his property. He was lying on the ground, unmoving. His clothes were torn, causing the hair on my neck to stand up. I was pleading with the goddess to have it have been a normal fight. There was a distinct smell in the air which caused my stomach to turn. I was ready to puke. I couldn’t handle this.
I was too afraid to enter the room, examining him from outside. From his exposed skin, I could see it had turned into a grayish-yellow color. His clothes didn’t seem to fit him anymore. He wasn’t moving. Why wasn’t he moving?
Dylan had led here me. Apparently, this is what he wanted to talk to me about. He thought it would be better to tell me where I could easily see the body. He didn’t want to tell me and not give me access to his body. Dylan claimed they were bringing Clyde here to deliver him back to me. They had heard that I was to be the lycan queen, so they wanted to honor their treaty with the lycans by returning one of my pack. They’d been attacked by a wendigo on their way to us. Clyde had gotten bit, and they had killed him to avoid endangering anyone else. He said they’d been so close to us that it was no big deal to carry the body the rest of the way. He figured I’d want proof.
Diana had been here already. Dylan explained that Diana must’ve smelled him because he was her brother. She was with him, crying over his body, since the party had started over an hour ago. When she asked the guards what he was doing here, they told her for me.
Diana had reacted on rage and hurt, thinking I had already known. She thought I kept it from her because she had been avoiding me. The human part of me understood her. When I had lost Gabby, I wanted to kill my father and Tate. I tried to reason with my wolf. She was out for blood for the disrespect. She wanted me to throw Diana out of my pack, Maverick with her. I couldn’t lose 3 people right now.
I slowly walked closer into the room, trembling, knowing what I would see when I got to his body. I had seen a few wendigos over the years, but I’d never seen anyone I cared about turn into one. My eyes burned as my throat constricted. I knew I would lose it soon.
When I got to his body, his face was unharmed. He looked peaceful, almost like he’d never been touched. I could see the bite marks on his neck, though. And his skin color was impossible to miss. I knelt on the ground next to him and took his head onto my lap.
I brushed his light hair away from his face, stroking it as if he could gain comfort from the act. My eyes filled with tears as I stared down at his face. He would not open his eyes ever again. Those blue-green eyes that always looked at me with such clarity would forever be closed. I let out a sob, thinking about all I would never hear again. I’d been with Clyde for 8 years. Never once had I thought of not having him around. He’d always been so strong, despite losing his mate. He had always been someone who took my side without hesitation. His loyalty was something only rivaled by the one Diana had toward him. I had always counted on him. But I obviously wasn’t as good to him.
If I had listened to Diana, this never would’ve happened. I could’ve challenged Dylan, I could’ve gotten Clyde back. This never had to happen. He was a good wolf. He didn’t deserve to die. I sat there holding his body, wrecked with guilt. What kind of alpha was I, unable to defend my pack? How was I ever supposed to be a queen? And why didn’t I feel it when he died?
I joined the party sometime later, unsure how much time I had spent with Clyde. I figured Diana would want to be with him without me around. I would give her the space she wanted, and we’d talk when she had calmed down some.
Brett and Leith had gone to see him, not wanting to believe he was dead. They didn’t really get along very much, but they hadn’t wanted him dead. They had spent their time telling me there was nothing I could do, but it fell on deaf ears. I wasn’t interested in feeling any better about this. I deserved all the guilt I felt. I could’ve saved him.
I was in the library, away from the rest of the party. I intended to spend the rest of my night here as I waited for the rest of the wendigos to attack. Those suckers were going to die.
“I’d like to help you, if you’ll let me.” I was looking through books when he quietly entered. I hated that he could sneak up on me. I needed to work on staying alert.
I looked at him for a second, then turned back to the books. “I just want to be left alone.”
“You want to be left alone or you want to continue to blame yourself?”
I rolled my eyes, annoyed that he could figure my mood out so easily. I knew it was because he could relate, but I didn’t want that at the moment. “Does it make a difference?”
“Yes. If you want to truly be alone, I will respect your wishes and leave.” He walked toward me. “If you don’t want to talk, I will be glad to have a seat and just be near you, if that will bring you comfort.” I had turned around to look at him. Was he serious? “But, if you wish to continue to blame yourself, then I would ask that you let me try to help you.” He reached for my hands, eyes pleading with me to let him in.
I hesitated. What if I let him in and lost him, too? I wouldn�
��t survive losing my mate. But wouldn’t pushing him away mean I lost him? What’s that stupid saying? ‘Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all’? I sighed. The moon goddess gave him to me for a reason. This immortal man, who could find his mate at any time, ever, found me. I could’ve gone ages without ever finding him, but something brought us together, right here and right now. That deserved a chance, didn’t it? If he could possibly help me, why shouldn’t I let him?
“I don’t see why it wouldn’t be my fault. He should’ve been here with me.”
He nodded, “Why wasn’t he?”
“Dylan kept him because Clyde was exiled from his pack. He didn’t even want him passing through.”
He nodded again, “Why did you let him stay with Dylan?”
I sighed, “I didn’t think it was worth a fight. I knew they wouldn’t hurt him, and I’d get him on my way back. I don’t know why I didn’t try harder. He deserved me to try harder.”
I started crying again and Sebastian wrapped his arms around me, rubbing soothing circles along my back. He was shushing me gently, trying to calm me down. “Your instincts made you leave him behind. That’s not something you can change.”
“What kind of alpha has awful instincts? I don’t deserve to be alpha if I can’t take care of my pack!”
“Woah, woah, woah, who said anything about awful instincts? You’ve managed to keep your pack alive all this time.”
I froze in his arms as I realized just how bad of an alpha I was. “Goddess.” I felt sick. I pulled out of his arms, fleeing to the closest trash and puked. “No, I haven’t. It took me almost a decade to respond to Old Moon. I could’ve helped months ago, but I let my emotions cloud my actions. I could’ve brought Clyde here with me. I should’ve been able to do more; I should’ve done more. I just sat there.” I fell to the ground, hysterical. I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I was struggling to draw in a breath, my cries unstoppable. “I just sat there and watched. I watched as they killed her. I wasn’t strong enough. I’m never strong enough.” I sat on the ground, struggling to find air. My head was spinning, and I felt worse than before.
Sebastian sat next to me, rubbing my back again. “Easy,” he murmured. “Take deep breaths. Come on- in for 5, hold for 7, out for 9. I’ll do it with you.” I hiccupped the first time I tried it and kept gasping throughout the next few. It felt like I wasn’t getting enough air. He continued to breathe with me until I had finally calmed down.
“Why 5, 7 and 9?” I asked.
“Doctor prescribed it for my panic attacks.” He gave me a gentle smile. I got sad thinking about him having panic attacks. Were they about his dad? “This is your first time losing someone in the pack you’re responsible for. That will always feel like your fault.”
I shook my head, “It’s always going to be. It’s my job to protect them.”
“No, it’s your job to look out for them and to care for them. And you did that. You can’t save everyone. You’re not supposed to.”
“What good is being an alpha if it can’t keep the people you love alive?”
“We're in the middle of a war; this isn't your fault.” He lifted his hand to my cheek, stroking it. “You were destined to lead. You won’t fail. This feeling you’re going through is what separates you from the corrupt leaders.”
I thought of my father. He didn’t feel guilt over my mother or Gabby. It was his fault, directly, and he felt nothing. How could he go through this feeling for his mate and his daughter and not care? It was disgusting.
“You can’t be certain I won’t fail.”
He nodded, a small smile dancing across his lips. “I can be and I am. You will be a great queen.”
I started to smile before I remembered what happened earlier today. “Speaking of.” I wiped at my eyes and fanned my face to calm it down. “Did you know someone spread that around? Everyone knows we’re mates. Apparently, it was the topic of the night.”
He looked confused, dropping his hand. “Was it a secret?”
“I thought you weren’t telling people? You never talk about it.”
He grinned sheepishly, “Oh, I talk about it. You just haven’t heard it, I guess. I’m not surprised everyone knows.”
“You- what?” I was stunned. I had spent time sad that he didn’t want me as his queen. I thought there was some reason he never referred to me as such.
“All the lycans call you princess. Was it not obvious?”
“No. I thought you didn’t want me as your queen.”
He looked surprised, “How could I not want you as my queen? You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. I know we don’t know each other very well and there’s not much love, but I feel blessed knowing you’re my mate.”
I smiled at him. He was sweet. “I didn’t know you felt that way.”
He stood up, offering me his hand. “How could I not?”
I stood up, looking up at him, hating the height difference. I wanted this to work so badly, but nothing could stop me from fearing losing him. I could feel myself pulling away. He could too, as he placed both hands on my face. “Don’t do that, Selene. Don’t pull away from me.”
I stepped back, bumping into a bookshelf. I was hoping to put more space between us, so I could think clearly. Whenever he was near me, my senses went crazy. It felt like fireworks were going off constantly in my head, my stomach, on my skin where his hands touched. “I’m sorry.”
He closed the distance, trapping me against the bookshelf. He stood there staring into my eyes. It felt like he was peering into my soul, looking at my deepest secrets. I felt like maybe he would be able to understand me. Like he was someone I needed. I relaxed, deciding that maybe I didn’t need to fight him right now. Maybe I just needed to let him in. He slowly lowered his head toward mine, the anticipation driving me up a wall. My lips were tingly, awaiting what I knew would be magic. I hadn’t realized how much I had been waiting for this moment until now.
When he was barely an inch away, his warm voice rushed over me. It sent a shiver up my spine. “May I?” It was so innocent and sweet, making sure this was something I really wanted. I groaned, reaching my arms up around his neck. I was done waiting.
And then we heard it.
CHAPTER 21
I wasn’t surprised. This had been the point of the party to begin with, but damnit had I wanted to kiss him. I had been a breath away from it. Literally one tiny breath away from kissing him. To tell you the truth, it wasn’t something I had thought much about before, but now I wanted it more than anything. I hadn’t realized how much I was craving the bond with my mate.
The party turned out to be everything we had hoped. There were so many wendigos that even I hesitated. What if this had been a mistake? There was no way we could guarantee getting out alive. We were risking our lives for what? To kill some of them? We didn’t even know how many there were. I rolled my eyes at my whining. This beat sitting around doing nothing.
Sebastian and I had chosen to stick together. We knew how the house and the surrounding property was set up. We had memorized where each group had been placed, giving us an advantage. We would know where to go to provide backup, or where to not waste our time due to our best fighters being there.
We stayed outside, hoping we could kill those coming in, but also any who managed to escape the house alive. I saw a torch whizz past my face toward a wendigo running to the house and I grinned. These torches would be fun to play with. I pulled one out of the ground and lit the other end using a torch nearby. With both ends being lethal to the wendigos, I began my attack.
I stopped thinking, allowing myself to let go of everything that was usually on my mind. With this newfound ease, I began twirling, waving my weapon around to catch the monsters that crossed my path. I began to let my own frustrations fuel me through my actions. I had been so busy lately, that I’d hardly had time to enjoy things. Training had become a serious task that didn’t allow me to indulge. I was so used to losing myse
lf in a workout, but when training others, I had to stay focused the whole time. I missed spending three hours blowing off steam, thinking about anything and everything that bothered me.
As I saw wendigos jumping around, their disgusting teeth gleaming in the light of the flames, I remembered my nightmare from earlier. It already felt like a lifetime ago, but I knew it was an image that was going to follow me for longer than I wanted. I felt a fresh surge of anger thinking about Gabby. She would’ve eventually turned into one of these. These monsters I was killing with no mercy. I wasn’t even hesitating to take them out, just like my dad with Gabby. I almost fell at the thought.
Here I was, doing the same thing he had done. Gabby had looked nothing like this, but she would’ve eventually, right? It was his job to protect his people. He did what he was supposed to for the good of his pack, didn’t he? Then why did it feel so wrong? It didn’t stop any of my anger or hatred. My wolf was growling at me, disagreeing. She didn’t think it was the same thing. Gabby hadn’t turned into a monster. Dad hadn’t given her a chance.
I grunted at a wendigo that stopped when it saw me. It let out a scream before turning and running from me. I didn’t feel anger; I felt pity. The thing was afraid. It almost felt wrong to go after it as it turned and fled. It confused me. They were supposed to be bloodthirsty, controlled by their lust. Fear shouldn’t be something that they suffered from. I didn’t know why it was running. If they really were smart enough to run, who knows what else they’re smart enough to do?
Maybe they really did have hideouts around here. But if they could organize themselves, did that also mean they had a leader? If they had someone organizing them into a little army, this might be more difficult than we had first thought. Organization needs a motive. What were they after? If we could figure out their goal, maybe we could out-think them? I decided not to follow the wendigo and let him go.
I thought about Clyde. These monsters had turned him into one of them. I let out a furious scream, jumping forward to tackle a monster near me. They had been the reason he was dead. These vile creatures were destroying innocent lives. Why were they even here? I heard screaming from behind me and I swung my flame around, barely catching its arm as it tried to move away. I grunted, unprepared to miss, and fell forward. I realized he had been testing me as he kicked my stick out of my hands, and we both watched it roll away in the grass.
Beasts Page 10
