“Tom! What grieves you, Tom?”
At this point I was crying. I could not help but cry. My dream had become reality but it was a dream that seemed destined to quickly turn into a terrible nightmare. Anne also began to cry and speak at the same time.
“I greatly feared I may have been asking too much of you… I told Simonette so… Oh, dear God. What a horrible mess it all is… Tom, Tommy, please forgive me. I should have left it all alone. I have been selfish, so thoroughly selfish.”
She rested her head on my chest and I could feel her silent tears soaking into the linen bed sheet I had wrapped around my body. I took one long and gulping breath, and tried my best to take back control of my shattered emotions.
“I love you. I have always loved you,” I whispered to her, brushing my lips against her hair, breathing in its rose-water fragrance.
Anna lifted up her head at this and took my face between her hands.
“I know. I think I have always known, and took for granted your love from the time I could barely walk. Please believe me, Tom, when I say that I love you too. But our lives are not our own. We belong to our families. You are married. I do not believe that you would ever bring shame upon your kin by divorcing Elizabeth, especially when it would mean putting into doubt your own son’s name. And I have told you that I cannot bring my own family to ruin…” Anne stood up then and began to walk a little way from me. She then turned back to face and talk to me again.
“Furthermore, I truly believe my father would kill me if I gave up a king to hold not even a knight in my hand. Do you not see how impossible it is for us? There is no choice for us but to go back to what once was… And is that really so hard? Oh, Tom! Can you not see? You, George, and I are tied by stronger bonds than those bonds forged between a man and woman in bed. I have always believed that our souls are securely and eternally joined by deeper bonds than those we shared yesterday.
“I truly believe, Tom, last night changed not one jot of these realities. I believe with my soul and heart that last night served to make what really connects you and me only stronger. So much stronger, I see—even if you do not—that it would destroy you to continue for even one more day your hope of what cannot ever be. I could never forgive myself… that is something I cannot risk. Oh, Tom, I could never forgive myself if you destroyed yourself over something that could never be.”
Yea, I had to admit the truth of her words. Our lives had never been our own. And something strange had seemed to happen while she spoke, and while I watched her. Call me fanciful if you will (and are not all poets fanciful?), but it seemed to me that the light of the sun now breaking through the bedchamber’s window had filled the room with a strange mellow, diffused light. This light now appeared to centre upon Anne—creating a golden aura, completely delineating her slender form. Even most of the darkness of her hair had been robbed of its blackness to be given in its stead a crown of gold. Thus, it seemed to me that there stood before me a regal figure, robed like some Roman empress. I could not help but think that I had been given a distinct vision of what Anne was meant to be. That it was the Fates themselves who had chosen for her this impending regal role. Yea—and who am I to argue with the Fates?
Shaking myself out my musings, I returned my thoughts to those concerns of the present moment.
“Aye, Anna, I admit the truth of all that you have just said. But I have one request, Anne, just one. I want you to kiss me one last time. And not the kiss of life-long cousins… Anna, what I want is for you to kiss like you did so many times last night, and I promise that I will be strong enough for both of us to keep it to just a kiss; a farewell kiss, if you will. But a kiss that will always be to me another precious memory of this brief time we shared, even if it means naught to you.”
“Tommy… My sweet Tom!” Anna laughed and lifted a hand to me. “Come here, and kiss me then.”
I went over to her and took her in my arms. I looked deeply into her eyes and then joined my lips to hers. That last kiss lingered on for as long as I could maintain it. Indeed, what stopped it and made me pull away from her was the awareness that my senses were demanding to continue in such a way as I promised her I would not. She was right: the longer I had hold of her, the harder it was to give up my dream.
Anna, after I had released her from my embrace, crumpled down, kneeling on the floor.
With her tears flowing unchecked, she looked up at me and said: “Tommy, you have made this so hard.”
I laughed wryly, and went back to sit at the window seat. I wanted to get as much distance between us as I could.
“I am glad I’ve made this hard for you. At least I can take the consolation with me that things could have been so much different if we had been born other than what we are.”
Standing up with unsteady movements, Anna gazed at me ardently, her dark eyes huge and shining with tears yet unshed.
“Yes, Tom, I do believe now that you are right. Perhaps if our lives were different… who can tell? But, Tom… I am very tired now. Tommy, I beg you to leave me… return to your room. We will see each other later, but at this moment I wish—and beg—the favour of being by myself.”
I came over to her and kissed her gently on the forehead.
“Yea, Anna, I too wish to be alone… Come to your bed and try to go back to sleep. You truly are looking much too wan for my liking. I will dress as quietly and go as quickly as I can.”
Anna appeared to me to be close to fainting, so I again picked her up and carried her to the bed—this time for different reasons. Desire had now completely gone from me to be replaced by the heaviness of utter sadness—sadness threatening to have me again in tears. I carefully placed Anne on the bed, covering up her slight body with the bedclothes. I kissed her tenderly—though chastely—on her lips, her eyes remaining shut as if she had already gone fast to sleep in my arms. Gathering up my clothes, I retired to the other side of the room and dressed myself as hurriedly and silently as I could.
CONTENTS
* * *
Chapter 2
She wept and wrung her hands withal.
The tears fell in my neck.
She turned her face and let it fall,
Scarcely therewith could speak,
Alas the while!
I reflected, as I descended the stone staircase from Anne’s bedchamber, on how eerie and empty Hever Castle seemed. ’Twas often the case that a dwelling emptied of most of its usual inhabitants when a member of the household had serious illness such as the sweat, leaving only a few servants to care for the one sick. This appeared to be the situation here at this time.
Last night had been like Anna and I were the only two people left in the world. In a sense this feeling still lingered. Indeed, going down those cold, stone stairs I felt more alone than I had ever been in my life.
I arrived at the chamber where I used to sleep as a boy, and went inside. There I sat on the edge of the bed, bent my head, and howled out my grief until I had no more tears left to cry.
So much had gone wrong in my personal life in recent times. Besides the happenings of the day before, I also found myself thinking about the way my marriage had gone from bad to worse over the years.
“Dum spiro, spero,” Father Stephen often said to us when we were children. And so it was—I had breathed and I had hoped. But now last night had opened me up in such a way that the door to years of pent up emotions remained left wide open. Now I had to face up to what was true of life and make some hard decisions.
So, where do I go from here? Anne was right when she said there was no normal future for us. She had steered herself on a course that left little room for me. Back to my wife? No. Things had come to such a pass that I realised I could never go back to my wife. There had never been any love between us. Even when Elizabeth bore my children into the world it was as if she had martyred herself in some way. My wife had never forgiven me for this marriage that had been forced upon her. That it had been forced upon me too seemed to make not one j
ot of difference to her. No. I could never go back to Elizabeth. The violence of our last argument showed too clearly the direction that our marriage was heading. I was beginning to find it far too easy to hate her—and hate, I knew, would destroy us both.
So, where to from here?
I had been recently told of a position in Calais that was soon to be made available. I had not really wished to return so soon to the Continent, but it offered me a kind of solution. After what had happened between Anna and myself, I knew that I could no longer stay in England and watch the King’s pursuit of Anne. My father had given his house a reputation for loyalty to the Tudors. I could neither distress him nor break his heart by giving him a son who was other than loyal too.
So my marriage was over, even though there would be no divorce. Anne was again right. My son, Tom, was the apple of my eye. I could and would do nothing that would put into doubt his future. And what had happened between Anne and I was also over. Perhaps I would one day find a woman to heal this growing rent in my heart. I doubted it, but I could not bear to think that, at twenty-five, I was doomed to spend my life alone, unable to ever release myself from the cords binding me to Anna. Thus, utterly spent from all the recent happenings, I lay on the bed and tried my best to sleep.
I was awoken by bright sunlight streaming through my chamber’s window and landing directly on my face. The harshness of the light and the position of the sun made it known to me that it was now late in the afternoon. My stomach then reminded that I had not eaten since noon the previous day. My nose informed me that I badly needed a wash. Idly debating which of my needs were greater, I at last reached the decision that, as water and bowl were readily available in my chamber, it would be best to clean myself up as best as I could. I have known since I was a young boy that both Anna and Simonette have very delicate noses easily offended by too-obvious smells.
After I washed and dressed in a change of clothes, I went to the kitchen, like George and I had often done as hungry, growing boys. I stopped still in my tracks when I saw before me Simonette dressed in a faded and shabby garment—obviously her working dress.
I could scarcely believe even now that the events of the night before had taken place virtually on Simonette’s suggestion. Simonette turned from the task she was engaged in and saw me.
“Master Tom?” she said, smiling with a touch of amusement. “You look like you have seen a spectre.”
I moved towards her and kissed her quickly on the brow, whispering for her ears alone: “Simonette, I do not know if I should curse you or thank you.”
She reached out to touch my hand, saying quietly: “I would be very sad if you ever had cause to curse me, Master Tom.”
She stood there looking at me with candid eyes; a suggestion of a slight smile touched her lips.
“I just cannot understand how Anne and you could be so contriving,” I responded, looking away from her with a deep frown.
“Oh, Master Tom! How can you say such a thing? Especially when it was yourself I thought of first when I decided my girl should know of true bed love at least once before she is wed to the King. I dearly love my young lady. My poor young lass. She is the daughter I always wanted. It grieves me so that her heart is still broken over the Lord Percy. She tells me often that she would rather have been Hal’s Countess than have the promise of being Henry’s Queen. Do not blame me, Tom. I only tried to do the best for my dear children. Truly, Master Tom, you should realise, my dear, if Anna is like my daughter, then you and George are like my own sons. I know how you feel about Anna. Tom, try to think of it this way: at least now you were given something of what you have always yearned for.”
I stared at Simonette, disbelieving what my ears had just heard.
“You know? How…?”
“Tom… Tom… My dear young Master. Your eyes have never lied to me; your face gives away many of your thoughts and what is best kept secret. I have known you had given your heart to my Lady ever since you were twelve and you cried yourself asleep when you heard Anne and I were to go to France. You must try to school your face, Master Tom—for your own safety, if not for my Lady’s.”
There was nothing much I could say to this. I had long known myself to be a man who found it hard to not show his heart upon his sleeve. So I shrugged my shoulders and wryly smiled at Simonette. She took my arm and led me into the kitchen.
“What would you like to break your fast with, my dear?” she asked me.
“Is the bread as nice as it used to be when I was a lad?”
Simonette shook her head at this and laughed.
“Tom! Surely, at your age, you must realise that nothing will ever taste again like you remember from your childhood?”
I sighed deeply.
“Yea. Not only taste, Simonette, but once you have lost the innocence of childhood, all becomes soured and embittered by many dark emotions.”
“Poor Tom! Life has treated both Anne and you so unkindly when it has come to being fortunate in love. But joy is still there to be found. One only needs to stop searching for joy for it to find you.”
“I am not sure if I understand what you mean, chère bonne. I am too soon out of bed for that type of obscure philosophy.” I laughed, and laid my hand lightly on her shoulder. “I do know my stomach aches with lack of food, so I am willing to eat whatever you lay in front of me.”
Thus, Simonette bustled around the kitchen, preparing a tray of victuals to eat. After a short time, she came back carrying a heavy tray laden with bread, beef, cheese, and ale.
“I shall take this up to my Lady Anne’s room. I know you would want to break your fast with her,” she said as she walked past, heading in the direction of Anne’s bedchamber.
I felt rather stunned by this. I was not sure if I wished at all to break my fast with Anne. My feelings were all still so raw and tender. However, as I knew that sooner or later I would have to face Anne, I soon followed after Simonette’s fast-retreating form.
Anne was still abed, but now wearing a shift and fully awake. She sat up amongst her pillows, her lower body completely covered by the bed’s fur coverings. Simonette had placed the tray upon her bed and was now busily attending to the room’s huge fireplace.
When Anna saw me her face lit up and she said brightly, “Simonette tells me that you have just woken up too. Is it not strange to wake and find that you have slept the entire morning away?”
I went over to kiss her gently on the forehead, and whispered softly, “Good lovemaking often makes one sleep more soundly than you are used to.”
Anna deeply blushed, and then laughed.
“Dear Tom. So now you have told me the secret for a sleepful night. What else have you to tell me?”
“Nothing, except that I am starving! Shall we break bread together?” I asked her, taking a loaf off the tray for her to tear what she would. Thus, we both were on her huge bed (so huge that Anne’s thin frame appeared to be almost lost in it) breaking our fast together.
For many, many heartbeats we just sat there eating, but then I became abruptly aware that Anne was studying me carefully, so I looked at her, and smiled.
“You have seen me eat before, Anna, so there must be another reason why you look at me so closely. Have I crumbs upon my face?”
“Nay, Tom,” Anne replied, laughing. She then reached out to touch my cheek ever so gently. So gently that I could easily imagine her fingertips into butterflies, brushing against my face. “You are in bad need of a shave, but that is not what I was thinking.”
“What then, my dark Lady?”
“Dark Lady? You have never called me that before, sweet cousin Tom,” Anne responded.
My eyes lingered on her, and I gave a slight smile.
“You do not know how many times I have called you that, my lovely dark Lady—but never aloud. Only softly to myself, in long hours of the night when I could not sleep; when only I could hear… But, Anna, I think my dark Lady avoids the question I have asked her.”
Anne pushed
the tray with its demolished food away from us, and quickly got out of the bed. Simonette had left us to our breakfast, so we were all alone. Anna was wearing the same lawn shift that she had worn only minutes before we had become lovers. I turned my eyes away from her, feeling so utterly wretched for all that could not be.
When I looked for Anne again, I saw she had put on a heavy, green velvet dressing gown, richly embroidered at sleeve and collar, and had seated herself near the fire. Anna held her lute in her hands. Except for the fact that her long, black hair was now completely unloosed, she reminded me so much of how she looked when I first had entered her chamber the previous day.
I walked over to her, and squatted beside her, putting my hand over hers.
“Anna, you are avoiding the question,” I repeated. She raised her free hand to the side of her face and smiled at me ironically. The gesture and smile reminded me so much of George.
“Tom, perchance some things are better left unsaid.” Anne spoke barely above a whisper.
“Anne, you know how much I hate that—to be left dangling like a fish on a line. Cannot you leave me to judge for myself?” I asked of her crossly.
Anne laughed, and squeezed my hand gently.
“How little we really change from children. George and I used to love to see your frustration when we would not let you into our secrets. Though we loved you too much to do it too often.”
“Yea, Anne, that I well remember. But still you avoid giving me an answer to my question.”
“Oh, Tom, what can I say? Why must you make me say it? Does it make you any happier that I was just thinking… thinking that this is what it would have been like, if we had wed? You and I eating together in complete companionship. But, I do not wish to rub salt into your wounds. We spoke all that we will ever speak on that matter last night… So, now that you have the answer, Tom, does it make you content to know it?”
Dear Heart, How Like You This Page 17
