He couldn’t seem to get enough. Of looking at her. Just knowing she was out in the world. Watching her. Being in the same room. Hearing her little baby sounds.
He’d recorded her crying shortly before he left. He was that far gone. Crying was her way of communicating, Lizzie had told him, and he’d just needed to have a record of the sound of her. Halfway through his beer, he played back the recording, over and over, and sat there grinning like a fool.
He had to swallow back unwanted emotion.
He was Stella’s father.
But would he ever be her daddy?
* * *
Lizzie was playing a very risky game.
Regardless of Carmela telling her she was doing the right thing—giving Nolan time to become a father if he chose to do so and giving herself a chance to get to know the real Nolan Fortune so she could prepare herself for a future with him on the outskirts of her life—she barely slept Monday night.
She laid there, fighting memories of Nolan Forte. Of Christmas the year before.
She’d opened the door to his nearly constant presence in her life over the holiday this year, too. He’d said he wanted to spend every free minute he had with them. And the trouble was, she knew just how the ten days could look.
How she’d dreamed they could look.
A replica of the year before, but with their child as an added player. She’d fallen for him so completely before—let herself be convinced that the feelings he evoked in her were real. She’d believed in true love and the possibility of happily-ever-after.
And here they were, a year later, parents celebrating the holiday together with their infant daughter. If she wasn’t careful, the picture was going to suck her in.
Because she couldn’t quite convince herself that true love didn’t exist.
What if...?
No. She had to keep reminding herself he’d already tried to make a Forte relationship work with the Fortunes. With Molly something or other. And look at how that turned out.
On Tuesday she insisted on shopping, figuring the safer bet was to be out in public. No more chances for intimate moments in her bedroom. Or anywhere else in her house.
She hadn’t counted on Nolan insisting on paying for every single thing she tried to purchase. From diapers to a gift to send back to Chicago for her aunt. When she caught on, she simply quit shopping. And then was left with hours stretching before her. He suggested lunch at an upscale restaurant and then, before she knew what was happening, he’d taken the removable car seat carrier from her, slipped the handle over his forearm and waited for her to precede him inside.
The hostess thought they were a family. No! she wanted to scream. And she hated the warmth that suffused her system as other restaurant patrons watched them walk through to their table.
Because Stella was so cute, she told herself. Who didn’t gush over a new baby?
But she knew differently. It was because Nolan Fortune was one of the hottest guys on the planet and the way he walked, like he not only owned the world but liked everyone in it, captivated attention.
In jeans and a red sweater, with cheap black boots, she told herself she looked like the hired help walking behind him. She couldn’t convince herself to feel like it, though.
She felt like a cherished wife and mother.
For a moment. Only a moment.
That moment was too much for her.
No matter how nice Nolan was to her, how attentive to her and Stella, she couldn’t fall for him again. His lavished attention had a definite end date. No matter what happened, he’d be rejoining his work-pressured world after the holiday.
He’d offered to give her money for the rest of her life.
Not himself.
And even if he had offered her a permanent part in his life, she wasn’t sure she’d want it. She just wasn’t a girl who hankered after a prince or a knight in shining armor. She wanted a modest home, with three bedrooms and two bathrooms, a little backyard. A pet. And maybe, someday, a swimming pool. She wanted a husband who’d rush home from work to go with her to school concerts. And help with the dishes if she had papers to grade.
She wanted to teach music to kids who’d discover their own musical talents.
She wanted to raise her daughter herself. To be involved in all of the everyday changes in Stella’s life. To get her hands dirty and make chocolate chip cookie mustaches.
She wanted the life the Mahoneys had stolen from her.
She wanted to lie in bed at night in a life she could control, feeling safe and secure.
She wanted Nolan to be a regular guy who’d think living in her imaginary three-bedroom house would be an honor.
But Nolan Fortune didn’t even live on the same planet as that guy.
After he secured the carrier, with a sleeping Stella, in the high chair—he’d only watched Lizzie do it once the day before at the pita place—they sat down.
“If you’re done shopping,” he said, “I thought maybe this afternoon we could put Stella in her stroller and take her to Zilker Park. We won’t be able to see the lights, since I have to be at the club before dark, but she can still see the huge tree. We could walk through the botanical garden, see the lake...”
They’d talked about visiting the park the year before but had never gotten around to it. “Are you sure you don’t have other things to do?” she asked when her immediate response wanted to be Yes, let’s. She had to spend this time with him. But she couldn’t emotionally afford to enjoy it.
Getting over him the first time had nearly killed her.
Across the restaurant table, Nolan looked right into her eyes, holding her captive. “Are you reneging on your deal?”
“Of course not. I just...” She was afraid. He hadn’t mentioned the future since she’d offered to spend time with him. Hadn’t opened any bank account that she knew of. Was dressing like the man she’d known. Acting like him. And sitting there with him, she wanted so badly to pretend he was the same man.
“I’ve got nine days,” he said. “Every second counts.”
She’d chosen to have his baby. To keep his baby after she gave birth. She’d opened this door.
Still looking him in the eye, she nodded. When she couldn’t bear the intimate connection with him another second, she glanced at a sleeping Stella, and then studied her menu.
She had no idea what to order. Or how to find order in the chaos her life had become.
* * *
Nolan spent Wednesday, just seven days before Christmas, running errands with Lizzie. At the post office, where she dropped off the wrapped package for her aunt that they’d purchased the day before, he waited in the car with Stella sleeping in her car seat behind him. It was the first time he’d been alone with the little girl.
And Lizzie, whom he could see through the window of the post office, glanced out at them every few seconds. It was as though she wanted to make sure he wasn’t taking off or in any other way interacting with the child he’d helped create.
Throughout the past couple of days, he’d caught glimpses of the woman who’d captivated him the year before, but her defenses were so high he was definitely hands-off.
He didn’t need to be hands-on, he continuously told himself. He needed only to solidify a plan to provide for her and their daughter. Leaving her defenses intact was the most righteous way to handle his association with her.
“How about a trip to the Santa Train today?” he asked when she returned to the car and suggested a fast-food hamburger place for lunch. The two-hour train ride, not as well known as the Austin Steam Train, because of it’s expense for a mostly “kiddie” attraction, rode through hills decorated to look like little towns along the route to the North Pole, a mount that overlooked the city of Austin and hosted a five-star restaurant. It wasn’t that he minded the burgers, but he only had nine more days to spoil her
. Or maybe he was just fulfilling his own selfish need to be with her and be himself, too. “We could have lunch there.” The Santa Train was one of a list of events and activities he’d collected off the internet the night before.
“What’s the Santa Train?” she asked, frowning, as they sat in the post office parking lot with the car running. When he told her, her response was immediate. “I’m not dressed for even a three-star restaurant and I’m not sure about Stella. A long train ride seems like a lot...and it’s not like she’s old enough to enjoy the decorations or even know what’s going on.”
“If she’s awake, she’ll like the bright colors,” he told her, thinking about the way the baby stared at Christmas tree lights, seemingly fascinated by them. “And if the motion of the train keeps her asleep, we can still enjoy them. And don’t worry. Your jeans are perfect for a day in the hills, as are mine. If we look out of place, at least we’ll do so together.” He smiled at her.
She smiled back and he had to fight the urge to kiss her.
By the time they were rambling back down to Lizzie’s car later that afternoon, Nolan buzzed with enough energy to propel the train himself. He’d spent himself silly in the gift shop, buying up every baby thing there. At first, Lizzie had joined in the game.
At what point she’d gone silent, he wasn’t sure. She’d picked up the baby’s carrier and walked out of the store. He’d been left carrying the bags filled with his purchases.
She’d perked up at lunch, laughing with him when he got Stella to smile and then laugh out loud by bringing his face close to hers over and over again and saying, “Boo!” He didn’t notice the other patrons looking over, some with indulgent smiles, a couple with frowns, until Lizzie gave his foot a nudge under their table.
He’d been granted the honor of transporting the baby carrier out of the restaurant and back to the train, but only because Lizzie had taken the baby into the restroom to change and feed her. His gut leaped when the bathroom door opened twenty minutes later and she came walking out.
The Santa Train was an expensive treat for the rich and privileged. Beautiful people abounded around them. He’d watched many socialites walk out of the bathroom during the time he’d been waiting. Not one of them had elicited a response from his body.
Watching Lizzie walk toward him made his crotch swell, a fact he tried desperately to ignore as he held the carrier while she latched the baby inside.
And then they were on the ride out of the hills, speeding back to a reality he didn’t want to embrace.
“I can swing two weekends here a month if I quit the band.” He was only thinking out loud. Picturing himself flying back and forth to Austin to see Lizzie and Stella. In the past couple of days, not seeing them had become unacceptable to him.
“What?”
“I could get a place. Hell, you two could live in it. I’d have my own room and fly down at least twice a month. You could teach, have your freedom, and I’d still be around enough that she’ll know me. And I’ll know her.”
Lizzie’s pause wasn’t unexpected. He was kind of taking a step back himself as he heard his own words. But when he replayed the idea it wasn’t horrible.
The third time around, he was thinking about size, location, number of bedrooms—trying to get a mental image of how it would all look.
“No.”
Her word cut him short right when he was starting to feel optimistic again. Turning to look at her on the bench seat beside him in the open-air train, he said, “You won’t even think about it?”
“No.” With the baby carrier on her lap, she looked out the window.
“Why not?”
“I’m not going to be a kept woman, Nolan. I’m not some woman you got knocked up.” She spoke softly, though there was no one on the seats in front of or behind them.
The fierceness of her words cut into him.
“I didn’t mean for you to get pregnant, either. I’m certain we were careful, every single time.”
She glanced his way, then away, and nodded.
“And you aren’t just ‘some woman,’ Lizzie.” Not that it mattered now, any of it. She’d gotten pregnant. They had a baby. And their lives weren’t destined to be lived together.
Nolan Fortune knew to stick to the facts.
“What do you want from me?” he finally asked.
“For you to let me live my life with Stella, just as I planned.”
We don’t need you. He heard the words she didn’t say.
“Two weekends a month is all I’m suggesting,” he said. “They can be like this, like today. Or you can take time to do things on your own, for yourself, while I spend time with Stella.”
Visitation. That’s what he’d managed to come up with. A concept as old as divorce.
“You suggested that I live in your place.”
Okay, so she didn’t like the idea of him buying a place for them. She hadn’t objected to the visitation. To seeing him twice a month. That was the biggie. Humming with anticipation, he could hardly sit still. He focused on the green-and-yellow blanket draped over the top handle of the carrier, protecting his daughter from the air blowing in on them from outside the slow-moving train.
“I was just being practical,” he tried to assure her. “It’s cheaper for me to invest in real estate than to rent and the place would be vacant most of the time. I intend to pay support for Stella, and was thinking I could do so with the same money I was spending on my own visits.” He’d been thinking like the money man he was, if he’d been thinking at all. He’d thrown the idea out as soon as it occurred to him.
“It would make sense, too, in that she wouldn’t have to be shuffled between your home and wherever I’m staying every time I come see her.”
He was sweating—with angst, and with sweet anticipation, too. Could he really make this work? Could it be this simple?
Lizzie wasn’t immediately shaking her head or saying no, which increased his adrenaline rush.
“What’s going to happen when I start dating? I’m going to bring my boyfriend into your home?”
His good mood flew out with the open air. But he quickly adjusted. Tried to see the new picture she’d presented.
“It would be your home, Lizzie,” he told her. He wasn’t sure exactly what he was feeling—he was still sorting things out. He only knew that he had to keep Lizzie and Stella in his life.
Chapter Twelve
Lizzie told herself not to get too excited. There was no happily-ever-after for her and Stella and Nolan. She knew that.
But if he was truly thinking about getting a place in Austin, giving up his “band time” over to “Stella time,” did that mean that he was planning not to tell his family about them, ever?
Why? she wondered. Weren’t they good enough?
As hurt as she was by that—for Stella’s sake more than her own—she was also relieved. If he’d leave her with uncontested custody and the freedom to raise Stella full-time, she’d agree to live in a thatch hut on the prairie. Stella would have the benefit of knowing her father—of having a biological relative in the background in case something ever happened to Lizzie—and they could all just get on with their lives.
It was a near-perfect plan.
And it left her feeling...flat. Used.
Nolan Fortune—if she was truly spending time with the millionaire, not his alter ego—had spent the past couple of days showing her he was a good man. Aware. Considerate. Conscientious. For a guy who said he spent his days wheeling and dealing high finance, he was sure aware of the feelings of those around him. Or her feelings at least. He was doing everything he could to respect her wishes, to give her what she needed. Maybe that was what made him good at his job. It also made him a companion that hung around in your heart even after he was gone.
A companion a girl would fall in love with if she spent too much time around
him.
She couldn’t go that route again. She hadn’t been enough for him the year before—enough to compel him to give her a way to stay in touch, or enough to be driven at least to be honest with her.
And she wasn’t enough for him now, either. Stella was. And that was what she had to remember.
“Will you at least think about letting me provide a home for you and Stella here in Austin? With a room for me to stay in twice a month or so?”
She’d bet it would be nicer than a thatched hut if he was planning to stay there, too.
“Before I even agree to think about it there’d need to be some clear understandings,” she said as they rounded the last corner that would take them out of the hills and onto the last long stretch through a lovely state park to the train station. Clinging to the carrier with both arms, she told herself she had no reason to feel so alone. So insecure.
She was Stella’s mother. Nolan was respecting her position completely, letting her set their pace, their boundaries. She was hogging the baby. She knew that. He’d rubbed Stella’s back a time or two more when Lizzie had been holding her, but that was all. It was wrong, the way she was hoarding their daughter. Yet she couldn’t seem to let go, even a tiny bit.
If she gave him anything, would he take it all? Including her heart again?
“You want your name on the deed?” he asked, interrupting the negative turn her thoughts had taken again. What was wrong with her? She’d always been one to see the positive side of life. To take pleasure in little things.
“Probably, yes,” she said, though that thought hadn’t been forefront on her mind. Did she dare tell him she wanted him to sign away all custodial rights? What if he hadn’t even thought about taking them from her? Would she be borrowing trouble where there’d been none?
Putting ideas in his head that he didn’t want there?
“What else?”
The station was in sight. Thank God.
“You just laid this on me, Nolan. Give me some time to process,” she said, not realizing how harsh she sounded until she saw the blank look cover his face.
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