I need to get a grip on myself.
I know that if I let myself go, if I give in to this murderous rage inside me, then I'm never going to make it in time for that fucking wedding.
And I'll lose her forever.
"Where are you, V? I need you," I whisper and for the first time, nothing answers back.
Even as I battle with my own self for control over my body, one thing is for certain. Nothing is more important than Sisi.
And for her, I'll prevail.
Chapter Twenty-One
"Did you get it?" I usher Raf inside the house, already restless with anxiety.
Since Marcello is at his speech therapy today, I'd invited Raf to come over, asking him a huge favor.
Blushing deeply, he nods slowly, handing me the bag.
"God, you're a sweetheart," I give him a big hug before I reach inside the bag to find the package.
"Are you sure?" He asks me as I all but drag him to my room.
"I don't know, Raf. I've been reading up on the internet about the symptoms and they fit. Besides," I add, dropping my head low, "it's not entirely improbable. He did..." I trail off when I see him blush even further. "Doesn't matter now. We'll see what the test says," I declare.
I unpack the test with hurried movements, almost afraid to find out.
For a few weeks now I've been feeling off. Weakness and nausea in the morning and just an overall state of tiredness that was inexplicable. It had all come crashing down when I'd realized that my period was late.
It was never late.
Since I'd first gotten my period, it had always come right on time, so I'd known when to expect it. When the day had come and passed and still no period, I'd started getting worried. And so I'd turned to the internet.
Pregnant.
The possibility that I might get pregnant hadn't even crossed my mind. After Maxim had dropped me off at home that day, I'd just shut down. Mentally and physically.
My body had taken the brunt of it, and I'd spent a week in bed just recuperating from the various injuries he'd inflicted on me. Two of them had even scarred pretty badly, the one on my neck and the one on my breast. I don't even want to know what had happened down there because it had been excruciating to sit down, move around, or even go to the bathroom for the first few days.
Luckily, with Marcello in the hospital and Lina and Claudia gone, I had not had to explain my sorry state to anyone. I'd put on a scarf around my neck and some make-up for Venezia's benefit, and she hadn't realized anything was wrong.
Slowly, my body had started to heal, but my mind was just lagging behind. There wasn't a moment where I wasn't thinking about him or trying to understand why he'd done that to me when I would have never left him.
Regardless of the damage to my body, I would have stuck by him. Because I knew it wasn't him. I knew he wasn't in control.
I would have forgiven him all the pain he'd caused my body. But what I could not and will never forgive is the pain he'd caused my soul.
Unwanted...
Days on end I'd had nightmares, his words ringing in my ears, his mocking insults embedding themselves so deeply in my head I couldn't rid myself of them.
It had gotten so bad I could barely sleep, knowing that if I did close my eyes I'd see him sneering down at me.
And yet, despite shattering me inside out, I still couldn't shake the love I have for him.
I'm a fucking idiot.
I'd been so sure that with time I'd be able to put it all behind me, and while I'm still working on not loving him, the issue at hand complicates things. Because if I am pregnant, then I'll find myself with a pretty permanent issue.
Taking a deep breath, I head into the bathroom, following the instructions on the package and peeing on the stick. Then, I just wait.
"What are you going to do if you're pregnant?" Raf asks. He's sitting on my bed, watching me pace around like a lunatic.
"Can I not think about that for now?" my voice is low and a little trembly.
"Sisi..." he continues, and I know he means well. This isn't something to be taken lightly.
"I don't know," I admit. "I've never thought..." I've never even thought about having children. Me? A mother? What do I even know about being a mother since I've never had one? "There has to be a solution," I say, although my voice lacks confidence.
"You could always get an abortion," Raf notes. "I could help you," he continues, but I quickly shake my head.
"No. That's out of the question," I tell him. He should know that I'd never do that, given my own history with being abandoned at Sacre Coeur. I'd never willingly do anything to harm a child of mine.
"I know," he sighs, "I threw it on the table just in case," he gives me a sad smile.
The phone rings to signal the time is up. My hands are sweaty, my entire body shaking as I pick up the test. Closing my eyes, I say a short prayer before opening them.
Pregnant.
"So?" Raf asks, and I sniffle a sob, my eyes already moist with tears. I hand him the test, going to sit on the bed.
Head in my hands, I massage my temples, trying to alleviate this feeling of doom that's settled over me.
A child.
My God, but how can I have a child? There's also Vlad and he... well, he cannot handle a child even more so. He's too unstable to even be near one.
Not that he'd want to.
Why is it that there are times when I forget he threw me aside? That I meant nothing to him? In his own words, he'd been bored and I'd been just an experiment. Someone to pass time with.
"Sisi," Raf sits down next to me, taking me in his arms. "It's going to be ok. We can think of something," he whispers in my hair.
Sobs rack my body as I expel everything I've been holding inside of me.
"Marcello will kill him. He'll kill me, he'll..." I can't even form proper words. "What do I even know about babies?" I cry out, my thoughts jumbled in my head, all my emotions coming to the surface. "I don't know what I'm going to do," I tell him sincerely.
I'm in so over my head.
"Marry me," he says suddenly, and I whip my head back, my eyes widening at his words.
"What?"
"Marry me, Sisi, and no one will have to know. Our families are already hoping we might become more."
"Raf..." I shake my head, speechless.
"We may not have known each other long, but you're my dearest friend, and the only one I feel safe enough to share my secret with. Maybe with time..." he trails off.
"I don't know what to say, Raf. This is so sudden. Too sudden."
I'd never thought of Raf as anything but a friend, and I don't think I'd ever see him in a different light.
Not after him.
"It would solve both our issues. My father wants me to marry soon anyway, and I could claim your baby as my own," he continues, surprising me even more.
"Raf... Thank you, but you know I don't feel that way about you," I admit. We'd been over this from the beginning. And while Vlad may be out of the picture now, that doesn't mean that he's not still in my heart.
"We don't have to be more then. We'll do just fine as friends," he starts, taking my hands in his. "I know you're not in love with me, just as I'm not in love with you. But we have what other people lack—trust. And I swear I would care for your baby just as I care for you." He says sincerely, and for a moment I'm lost in his light eyes. So full of kindness, and so fundamentally different from the pair I love.
"I'm scared," I whisper, taking a deep breath. "I never thought I'd find myself in this situation."
But what is the alternative, really? Give birth out of wedlock and be shunned like Lina had been? If Marcello doesn't kill me and Vlad first, that is. I've heard enough of our world to know that it's simply not done, and I've seen firsthand what Lina had had to endure because she'd been unmarried when she'd had Claudia.
I could withstand it. After all, I'm good at taking people's insults in stride. But what about my child? He's innocent and I kno
w he will bear the brunt of it all.
"Ok," I whisper, "let's do it. You're right that it's the only way, and I promise that I'll be the best wife I can be. Just don't expect..." I drift off, and he catches my meaning.
"I know where your heart is, Sisi. You have nothing to worry in that regard," he gives me a small smile.
"Thank you," I wrap my arms around him in a hug. "Thank you," I repeat.
Once the initial shock of the pregnancy wears off, I start warming up to the idea. In fact, one might say I'm becoming too thrilled at the prospect of a baby.
I'll finally have someone just for me. Someone whom I'll love and will love me back. The fact that he's part of him is a plus, since this way I'll have something of him.
Marcello's been in and out of the house with his treatments, so I haven't found a good time to tell him the news about the marriage. But more than anything, I haven't been able to hear anything about him.
"God, I can't even say his name," I mutter to myself, annoyed.
He's become something of a he who shall not be named in my head, mostly because even thinking up his name causes me profound pain. That doesn't seem to have stopped me from being curious about him and wondering what he's been up to.
Marcello's been tight-lipped and other than that, I simply have no other way of knowing about him.
"I wonder if you'll look like your father," I pat my belly, a smile on my face as I imagine a dark-haired, dark-eyed child—a carbon copy of him. All I know is that I'll lavish all my love on this child and he'll never have to doubt whether he is wanted or not.
"I love you, little one," I whisper, happiness already enveloping me as I imagine our future. He may not be in it, but I'll have the next best thing.
And that will make it bearable.
Raf's been nothing but a sweetheart as he'd inquired about my health almost daily. I know this marriage is advantageous for him too, since his father has been wanting a union with our family for a long time.
And when we'll be married, his father will finally leave him alone and everything will be in order for the inheritance succession. Raf may not want the power, but someone will have to take it, and better him than his awful being of a brother.
Even knowing that it benefits him too, I am eternally grateful to him for offering to help me.
Laying down in bed, I start reading a book about pregnancy that I'd gotten online, wanting to know as much as I can and be prepared when the time comes. Already, I have a feeling it's going to be a boy and I've started looking at names.
Immersed in my reading, I'm surprised when my phone starts ringing, Raf's name flashing on the screen.
"I'll be by the house in an hour," he says as soon as I answer.
"An hour? How come?" I frown, since we hadn't agreed on anything today.
"I've asked permission from your brother to take you out. With a chaperone, of course," he jokes and I release a small chuckle. Marcello's been very uptight about everything—especially about letting me unattended in the presence of any man.
If he only knew the things I'd gotten up to with Vlad...
A smile plays at my lips at the thought. He'd been so adamant about me being careful with men and especially Vlad, that I have no doubt he'd have an apoplexy if he knew I was already pregnant with his baby.
Shaking my head at the notion, I let Raf know I'll be ready for him. I slowly get out of bed, looking around for some clothes.
I take care to hide the scar on my neck with a scarf, not wanting anyone asking questions about what clearly looks like a bite mark. But as I take a seat at my vanity to put on some make-up, I can't help the way my eyes are drawn the jewelry box and the necklace nestled inside.
I'd taken it off that night, and I hadn't put it back on since. Still, I had not been able to trash it. Maybe because the situation had not sunk in at the time, or maybe because I was still hoping that he would come back to me.
Would I have taken him back?
I don't know. If he'd come running back while I hadn't had the time to process everything, I might have still given him a chance. But as the days went on, I realized that if I ever gave in, I would just show him he could walk all over me any time. That because of my feelings for him I would take it all in stride, ready to forgive him in exchange for a little attention.
Unwanted...
No, what's done is done. And I need to put everything behind me. A new chapter awaits me, and only by putting him out of my mind can I truly find some happiness.
Before I know what I'm doing, I palm the small box, taking it with me.
Raf is already downstairs, waiting for me. And after we leave the house, I throw the box in the first public trashcan I see.
"Sisi," Raf shakes his head when he sees what I've done. I just shrug and keep walking.
"It's done." I say, feeling a massive loss inside my heart, but convinced it's just temporary, I shrug it off.
I'm not the first one to suffer from a broken heart and certainly not the last.
I will survive.
At least I hope I will. I don't know how in such a short period of time he had become such an integral part of my life. Even now, knowing he isn't near me almost makes me break out in chills, his proximity the only thing that could make me content.
Lord, I need to stop thinking about him. It will pass.
Eventually...
I hadn't told Raf all the particularities of our breakup, but he'd inferred enough to know how much Vlad had hurt me. And so he'd been a sweetheart, and he'd tried not to bring him up too much.
"So where are we going?" I ask as we stroll down the New York streets, his aunt a few steps behind us acting as chaperone.
"I thought you'd like to go to the hospital. For a checkup," he whispers.
"Raf," my mouth opens in shock at his thoughtfulness. "What about your aunt? Even now she's so vigilant," I note as the women narrows her eyes at us for being too close.
"I already booked the appointment. I can distract her for a while until you finish. Tell her you're getting your hair done or something," he suggests. "There's a salon right next to the clinic."
"Wow, you really planned this, didn't you?" I watch him in awe as a blush creeps up his neck. It's a stark contrast against his fair complexion and immediately visible.
"I've been reading about it. And it's good to have a consult early," he says shyly, and I take his hand in mine, giving it a big squeeze.
"You're a dear," I tell him with a smile.
Sometimes I can't believe how kind Raf is. Surely someone like him can't be real. And he continues to amaze me with his thoughtfulness.
"Thank you."
True to his plan, we make a trip to the salon, and while they make themselves comfortable in the waiting room, I exit through the back and head to the clinic.
I guess by now I have enough practice to sneak around, so I'm not too worried. Especially since Raf's planned this to a T.
Inside the clinic I'm swiftly received by a nurse and after she has me fill in a questionnaire she leads me to the consult room.
"Good afternoon, Miss Lastra," the doctor comes in, greeting me. I smile in return, even though I am a little nervous about what the checkup entails.
She tries her best to make me comfortable before starting on the pelvic exam. I try to ignore what's happening, or the fact that she's eye to eye with my lady bits.
"Everything looks good here," she finally says, and calls a nurse to wheel in a machine. "Let's do an ultrasound, shall we?"
I nod, and she pulls my shirt up, squirting some cool gel on my stomach. Removing a wand from the machine, she starts moving it on the surface of my belly, the gel making it slip around effortlessly.
"There it is," the doctor smiles, pointing to a small dot on the screen. "I'd say you're about seven to eight weeks along," she tells me, but I half-listen, my eyes glued to the screen.
"You can hear the heartbeat," she continues, and I close my eyes, honing in on the sound.
Go
od God, I'm going to be a mother.
I don't know why hearing that tiny heartbeat makes me tear up, but I can't contain my emotions as it finally dawns on me that I'm going to have a baby.
A human life.
Ironic how out of all that death and destruction we'd ended up creating a life.
The doctor prescribes me some vitamins and schedules my next appointment. After everything is set, I thank her and head back to the salon, a new optimism rising inside of me.
Things are going to change. This time I'll have someone to care for. A hand on my stomach and a smile on my face, I meet with Raf and his aunt again.
She doesn't seem suspicious in the least as she just gives me a nod, returning to one of her phone calls.
"I told you she wouldn't notice." Raf gives me a conspiratorial smile as we head back to the car waiting for us.
"Well, well, if it isn't my retarded brother," a malicious voice resounds from behind us.
Turning around, I note a man coming towards us, his arms around two girls as he looks down at Raf. He's wearing an all leather outfit emphasizing his lean frame.
Stopping in front of us, he pushes his sunglasses over his hair, the long, dark locks wavy and restless in the wind, his light eyes full of animosity.
There's a malice coming from him and I can't help the way my lip curls in disgust as he continues to insult Raf to his face.
"B-b-brother," Raf replies, almost hiding behind me, his shoulders slumped, his eyes stuck to the pavement.
"And what do we have here," he whistles, looking me up and down before chuckling. "Of course, the retard and the repulsive," he jokes, his eyes on my birthmark as the girls by his side start giggling. "The two Rs," he continues, seemingly very pleased of himself as the girls simply stare at him in awe as if he just quoted a Shakespeare sonnet.
"This must be your reprobate brother," I nod towards him, not doing anything to hide my disgust, "three Rs," I give him a fake smile.
Raf had told me about his brother, Michele, and how strained their relationship was. In fact, strained might be an understatement since Michele is clearly a grade A asshole.
I'd heard all about the origin of their conflict and the fact that their father wanted Raf to inherit the capo title, and not Michele, even though the latter was the older one by a few months. Raf hadn't been able to tell me why his father was so bent on doing that, even as his older son went off the rails. But the more Benedicto enforced the issue, the more Michele pushed back, doing all sorts of nasty things to get attention.
Morally Ambiguous: A Dark Mafia Romance (Morally Questionable Book 4) Page 40
