Coach Anderson started every class with running laps. If you couldn’t make it three laps around the gym without stopping or walking, you got more laps. Some days, Peyton was forced to run-walk laps the entire period rather than play kickball or field hockey with her classmates. And then she went back to class sweaty and ashamed for being ostracized from her friends. But it was okay for a grown-ass man to shame a sixth grader because Peyton was fat and needed to learn that was not acceptable.
Peyton hated PE with every fiber of her being. And now, here she was running laps in the middle of the night like her life depended on it.
“I have four weeks left before school starts,” she reminded herself, taking the last turn in the track as she slowed to a stop. One more month to lose some of the weight she’d put on in Cameron’s absence. “I can drop twenty pounds in that time if I really push it.” Her calves burned, and she felt a little dizzy, but she had one more lap in her tonight. Peyton refused to be the fat girl anymore.
2
Cameron
~ Cam
I want you to know you can do anything.
Peyton ~
The stars used to hold every possibility. Cameron Tucker would lie in bed at night watching the cheap glowing stickers on his ceiling. They were childish, but he’d never been able to bring himself to take them down.
I want you to know you can do anything.
Those had been the words of his best friend, Peyton, when she was ten years old. She’d always been there when he doubted himself.
But he’d left those stars behind, and they now felt farther away than ever. He couldn’t do anything. Not anymore.
With a sigh, he rolled onto his side. Had his bed always been this uncomfortable? Was his room always depressing?
Eighteen months ago, he’d left home and wasn’t sure he’d return. He never even had the chance to say goodbye to the people who were only sort of his friends. The only guy he’d been close with was dead. And he hadn’t called the girl his absence would hurt the most.
Eighteen months. Enough time for the Cameron Tucker who’d lived in their small town to disappear. He closed his eyes, wanting the silence only sleep could bring. It was no use. The memories he’d fought so hard to forget were a constant presence now that he’d returned.
Light crept around the edges of his curtains, but he didn’t know what time it was. School didn’t start for a few weeks yet, and he was perfectly content staying in his bed until then.
A knock on his door ruined that possibility. Before he could answer, his mother poked her head in. The tentative smile on her face was just another reminder of how much things had changed. His parents hadn’t known what to say to him since he’d arrived home the day before.
“Hi, sweetie.” Her sad eyes swept the bare walls of his room. The first thing he’d done when he got home was remove the posters belonging to the kid who’d lost everything in a single night. Her smile tightened. “I made you a smoothie. You didn’t eat dinner last night, so I expect you downstairs in five minutes.”
She shut the door without waiting for a response. Five minutes? Was she kidding? Cam was no longer in the “roll out of bed and throw on some pants” stage of his life. It took him much longer than that to pull himself together enough to face the world. But she didn’t know. How could she? His parents had only visited him once during his time away.
Twenty minutes later, he entered the kitchen. His father sat at the table with a newspaper hiding his face. He didn’t lower it or acknowledge Cam. Unlike Cam’s mother, his father wasn’t an actor. He couldn’t pretend things were as they’d always been.
And Cam was grateful for that small mercy. He didn’t know how to speak to his father anymore either. For most of his life, their relationship was based on running. They were coach and athlete, both with a dream of making it to the Olympics.
When the only dream you had died, part of you went with it.
Cam’s mother handed him one of her healthy smoothies. He definitely hadn’t missed this. He’d spent so many years choking them down he just couldn’t do it anymore. This time, as he took a sip, he cringed at the chalky taste of too much protein powder. It was worse than he remembered.
He attempted a smile. “Thanks, Mom.” He grabbed his keys off the hook on the wall.
“Where are you going?” She wiped her hands on her apron. “I thought we could do some school shopping today.”
Nope. He couldn’t do it. She tried so hard to treat him like he was still her normal son, and it made him feel like he was anything but.
He only shook his head and left his parents behind. Outside, he dumped his smoothie into a bush and threw the empty cup into the back of his car before climbing in.
He hadn’t planned where he was going, but there was a route he knew better than any other.
Sun beat down on him through his windshield. It must have been ninety degrees. He wiped sweaty palms on his black sweatpants and gripped the steering wheel.
Twin Rivers never changed. The whole town was stuck in some nightmare time warp. Two streets over from Cam’s house was Main Street where residents and tourists walked from crappy knickknack store to crappy antique store. The Anderson family had owned the hardware shop for three generations.
Even the Main Street Diner… He averted his eyes as he passed the familiar building. Grandpa Callahan opened it four decades ago and passed it to his grandson when he died. Cam knew every inch of that restaurant.
He wondered if Peyton Callahan was in there serving the early customers, her smile brightening their mornings. Cam had once told her she smiled too much. He hadn’t meant it. He’d just been teasing. She’d laughed and asked him why she shouldn’t smile. He hadn’t had an answer other than he’d secretly wanted her to reserve her goodness only for him. He’d been selfish that way. But he’d never told her how he felt, not until it was too late.
He slowed and finally let his eyes rest on the diner. Through the window, he saw Mrs. Callahan standing at the counter probably poring over receipts.
Being a part of their family was another thing he’d lost. Peyton would never forgive him for the way he’d left when she’d needed him the most. Even if she did, she deserved more than a best friend who was broken beyond repair. His breath clogged in his throat as Mrs. Callahan lifted her head and peered out the window as if she could sense him. Those eyes… That woman… She’d always had kind words and a warm home for him. She hadn’t deserved to lose her son.
He tore his gaze away and continued down the road, turning out of the downtown area—if you could call it that. The road wound down toward the tumultuous convergence of the two rivers before inching up toward Defiance Falls. Cam suddenly couldn’t breathe.
Drowning. He was drowning. He sucked in a breath as if it would expel the imagined water from his lungs and pressed the gas pedal to the floor. The car lurched forward, taking the narrow road at a speed he knew was too fast. But he had to get past it. He had to get away from the dark water and frothing falls. The droning of his car overcame the crash of water below.
After a few minutes, he slammed on the brakes, coming to a screeching halt.
He rested his forehead on the steering wheel, hearing their voices in his mind. We have to get out of here. Cam, get Avery to the shore. I’m not leaving without my brother.
But he had. Cooper Callahan had still been in the car when it went over the falls while Julian Callahan made it out. Cam tried to help Cooper. After getting Avery to shore, he’d jumped back into the water, but the current was too strong, and he hadn’t made it back to the car before it tumbled over the edge.
He slammed his head against the hard leather of his steering wheel, and his horn blared. Calming his breathing, he reached behind his seat for the box that was always there. The last time he’d been with Peyton, she’d given him a small wooden box containing notes she’d written in her girlish handwriting. She’d said they were encouragement for when he needed it. That was before the accident that changed
their lives. He’d left the gift behind, but Peyton brought it to the hospital. Cam’s dad refused her entry but accepted the present.
Cam hadn’t been able to make himself look at a single note, but he’d kept the box with him always. First, in his many hospital rooms and rehab facilities. Eventually, when he could drive again, it lived on the back seat, almost as if she too was there.
He ran his fingers over the carved wood, letting it soothe his nerves as he always did. Breathe, son. Breathe. The paramedic’s words that night never left him, and he did as he was told. Keep breathing. Don’t let yourself disappear. It will be okay.
He set the box on the seat beside him and pulled his BMW back onto the road. The car had been a present from his parents. They thought it would make him feel better. Normal people sent flowers or maybe a balloon.
What they didn’t understand was nothing could replace what he’d lost. Nothing could fix him.
The school came into view. In a few short weeks, he’d be there for his senior year. If it was up to him, he’d have continued his online schooling. But nothing was up to him.
He parked in the small lot next to the football stadium. A track wrapped around the field, and the familiar scene sent more pain through him than he thought he could feel anymore. But he couldn’t walk away.
A few people lingered nearby, and some ran morning laps. Cam didn’t know if he was just paranoid or if their eyes really followed him. With any luck, they would barely notice his return. But he wasn’t the lucky sort, and the accident had changed their small town.
On the field, the football team ran suicides. He hated football, yet he envied them. The black Tartan turf of the track held a familiar peace under Cam’s feet. He used to think it was where he was meant to be.
Now, it represented a past he wanted to forget. Cam walked around the track to the bleachers and climbed up a few rows before sitting down. He recognized a few kids from the track team but didn’t approach them. He wasn’t one of them anymore.
In truth, without running, he didn’t know where he fit anymore.
He bowed his head and ran a hand through his shaggy brown hair. At the far end of the bleachers, a girl ran the steps. Cam lifted his eyes to watch her, a familiar yearning in his gut.
Peyton.
He knew he’d eventually see her but wasn’t prepared for it to happen so soon. The last time he’d seen her had been the best night of his life…until it turned into the worst. And now, he couldn’t separate the memory of finally admitting the feelings he’d had for years and the accident.
A big part of him had been relieved he was in the car with her brothers that night instead of her. But it was hard to feel that relief when he had to live with the consequences.
He closed his eyes, picturing the rickety tree house behind Addison Parker’s house. It had just been the two of them. He’d had so much to apologize for that night. Avery and his football buddies had been making fun of Peyton’s weight, and like an idiot, he didn’t defend her.
He still hated himself for that.
“Peyton.” He wiped a tear from her face with his thumb. “You know I could never think…”
He couldn’t actually say it, and he knew he’d been wrong to avoid it the moment he stopped speaking. Peyton shrank in to herself.
“Believe me, I know what people think of me.” Her voice was quiet, but it wrapped around him like a cloak of sadness. “I’ve lived with it most of my life. I just thought…” She shook her head.
He leaned in. “What did you think?”
When she lifted her eyes, they shone with unshed tears. Her emotion slammed into him, stealing his breath away. Peyton had always kept her feelings carefully guarded. It wasn’t the first time people had made fun of her. Their school was cruel. But she’d always kept a mask of uncaring coolness firmly in place. Now it had crumbled into dust, revealing the girl he’d only seen a few times throughout their childhood. Vulnerable. Fragile. And just as beautiful as the strong girl he’d always known.
Her eyes pleaded with him to take back his question. She couldn’t lie to him, and something told him she didn’t want to give him an answer.
He needed to know.
His eyes scanned her face as it reflected the shadows of the night. Silver moonlight bounced off the curves of her cheeks and the bridge of her nose. Her pale, frozen lips parted to release a puff of air.
“What did you think, Peyton?” He wasn’t letting her avoid the question. Not this time.
Her brows pulled together as silence stretched between them. After a few tense moments, Peyton shocked Cam by leaning forward and pressing her lips to his.
He didn’t respond at first as his mind worked faster than his body.
Peyton pulled away, rejection in her eyes.
Cam wanted to erase every bit of hurt he saw there, so he did the only thing he could. He pulled her back to him, melting her icy lips with his kiss.
A sigh escaped her.
Cam rose up on his knees to change the angle and deepen the kiss. His hands wound through her hair, tilting her head up as he took control.
Something clicked into place inside him, a rightness. His feelings for Peyton had been so confusing for months, and now, he knew why. She hadn’t simply been his best friend, not in a long time. She’d been Peyton, the girl who owned a piece of him, who’d always cared for him.
“Cam,” she whispered against his lips. “Is this real?” Her hands skimmed the width of his chest as if exploring him for the first time. Maybe it was the first time. They’d slept in the same bed for years and curled up against each other for movies.
But now they were strangers, getting to know new sides of each other.
“Yeah, Peyton.” He leaned back, running his fingers down her face until they rested on her swollen lips. “This is real.”
“You’re still my best friend. You know that, right? This doesn’t have to change anything.”
He rested his forehead against hers. “This changes everything.” His eyes slid shut. “Sorry it took me so long.”
She laughed, and he snapped his eyes open, enjoying the sound. “I’m glad you find me amusing.”
“Cam.” She shook her head. “You’re the most oblivious guy in the entire world. You don’t know how wonderful you are. How many girls you leave brokenhearted by refusing to date. It’s one of the things I like about you.”
“Do you want to know what I like about you?”
She grinned. “Yes.”
Honesty. He could be honest. Just this once. He’d never been good at sharing his feelings. Most people at school thought he was a robot, only caring about his next running time. They were wrong. He cared…so much. He just didn’t know how to express it. No one had ever taught him. His parents gave him their single-minded drive, their ambition, but little else.
“You’re kind,” he began, a slow smile spreading across his face. “The kindest person I know. You can make me feel like the world isn’t such a bad place, like I’ll be okay if I don’t achieve everything I’ve been working toward. When I’m with you, I see different things. My future isn’t only clouded by Olympic rings. I don’t know what’s going to happen or if I’m going to make it, and that terrifies me sometimes. But every time you tell me it’ll be okay, I believe it.”
He cupped her cheek. “You make me fearless, Pey.”
Fearless. He shook his head. All he’d known since that night was fear. He should have spent the following months dreaming of Peyton and spending his days lost in her. Instead, his sleeping hours held nightmares of raging water and dying friends while his days held hard reminders that everything he’d felt before was now tainted with pain.
A loud thud ripped him from his dark thoughts, and he jumped to his feet as Peyton slammed face-first into the bleacher steps.
“I’m okay,” she groaned, rolling onto her back.
At one time, he would have laughed at her clumsiness. Peyton had never been exactly graceful. But as he rushed to help her up and
she lifted her eyes to meet his, he couldn’t breathe.
Because Peyton Callahan was angry. And she hadn’t changed at all.
3
Peyton
~ Peyton,
We aren’t friends. Move on.
Cam ~
Peyton stared up into a pair of blue eyes she knew better than her own. The warmth of his hand wrapping around hers sent her heart hammering in her chest as Cameron Tucker helped her back on her feet. Her face flushed hot with embarrassment, both for her clumsy face-plant and for running into him at the worst possible moment.
I was supposed to have two more weeks! She wasn’t ready to see him again. Not like this. Hot and sweaty, wearing her crappy yoga pants and with unwashed hair—it wasn’t fair. Not when he looked better than ever, and she’d only lost six pounds since she found out he was coming home.
He was different. Older now. Taller, if that was even possible. His sandy-brown hair fell across the more mature plains of his face, and a light blond stubble covered his jawline. But those eyes. The way they looked right through her walls to see everything she was now. She drifted toward him, like her body refused to listen to her mind. She ached to be near him again. To feel his arms around her.
How is it remotely fair he’s even hotter now? She wanted to stamp her foot, but Peyton just stood there on the bleachers, staring into his eyes as a wave of white-hot rage swept over her, washing away all the feelings she used to have for him.
She suddenly wanted to shove him and scream at him for abandoning her at the worst moment of her life. The old Peyton would have, but this Peyton wanted the earth to open up and swallow her so she wouldn’t have to experience all the feelings seeing him again brought back.
The F Word (Redefining Me #1) Page 2
