The F Word (Redefining Me #1)

by Michelle MacQueen

  His running began in her backyard, racing the twins to impress her. Julian hadn’t been very good, but Coop always gave him a challenge. Then they’d laugh and go steal Mrs. Callahan’s cupcakes to bring to Peyton.

  By the time he stopped running, Peyton was gone. The football team had finished their drills. Members of the track team passed Cam but didn’t acknowledge him. He’d never been close with them, seeing them only as competition, never friends.

  He’d been single-minded in his pursuit of the Olympics. Basically, an ass.

  But there was one girl who’d always seen through him. “Cameron Tucker.” Her voice made him smile despite the exhaustion in his bones.

  He turned to find Cara Jasper with her hands on her tiny hips. Daughter of the track coach, she’d always kept a close eye on him.

  “Hey, Care Bear.” His smile widened.

  She crossed her arms. “Don’t you ‘Care Bear’ me. Where have you been?” She hesitated for a moment. “Jerk.”

  Cam shook his head. Cara was a ten-year-old dictator. Her mother homeschooled her, and she never missed one of her father’s track practices. Cam’s eyes took her in from her familiar springy blond curls to her small frame and the wheelchair that held it up.

  When he didn’t respond, she unfolded her arms and gripped her wheels, pushing them toward him. “Where have you been?”

  It wasn’t the first time he’d been asked the question, nor would it be the last, but it still sent a chill through him. If anyone could understand, it would be Cara. Three years before, she’d been in a car accident and had her spine crushed, an injury she never fully recovered from. She was paralyzed from the waist down.

  But if there was something worse than the embarrassment, Cam knew it would be the sympathy he’d get. His parents might be uncaring assholes, but at least they didn’t pretend. They never told him it would get better or that life would ever go back to normal.

  Cam rubbed the back of his neck. “Ah…my dad sent me to a training facility.”

  She nodded as if that wasn’t a surprise at all. He was Cameron Tucker, after all. State running phenom.

  “I was worried about you after…” She didn’t voice it, but he knew what two words came next. The accident.

  Cam ruffled her hair. “Ah, kiddo, I’m fine.” He pasted on a fake smile.

  She narrowed her eyes and swatted his hand away. “Are you coming back to the team?”

  “I…” He blew out a breath. He hadn’t been ready for that question. He loved running. He loved being a part of something. But the team? Competing? The Olympics weren’t an option anymore. Didn’t that mean he was done?

  Cara nodded as if she understood his hesitation. “I get it. You’re on a different track than the rest of the team now. You probably have too much training to do to hang around a bunch of mediocre runners. You’re too good for us now.”

  “Cara—” he protested, but she cut him off.

  “Gotcha.” She grinned. “Well, I’m glad you’re back. I know my dad would want you on the team, but you do you. ’Kay, dude?” She held out her fist.

  Cam couldn’t help the laugh that escaped. “Okay.” He bumped his fist to hers. She wheeled herself away, shooting him one final smirk over her shoulder.

  He shook his head and stopped at the drinking fountain inside the field house. A group of footballers exited the locker room as he looked up and wiped water from his lips.

  Cam pushed into the locker room, stopping short when the only person present turned. Avery. It seemed it would be a day of people he’d left behind. At least Cara spoke to him as if nothing had changed.

  Cam went straight to his locker and pulled out his bag without saying a word. He waited for Avery to leave as his friends had, but the other boy just stood frozen in the middle of the smelly room.

  Ignoring him, Cam stuffed his jeans into his bag. He couldn’t change with Avery in the room. He slung his bag onto his shoulder and stepped past Avery. Before he could escape the charged room, Avery finally spoke.

  “You shouldn’t have come back.”

  Cam straightened his spine and turned. He peered at the boy who’d been his friend and didn’t recognize the wild look in his eyes. Cam’s leg itched, but he wouldn’t give Avery the satisfaction of seeing what the accident had done to him. It destroyed all of them. Did Cam have the same ghosts in his eyes he now saw in Avery’s?

  “Avery…” He scratched the back of his neck.

  Avery shook his head, his jaw flexing. “Why are you here, Cam? We don’t want you. This town… what you did to us…”

  Cam stepped back. What he did to them? “Avery, I don’t understand.”

  Avery’s eyes blazed. “The accident,” he spat. “You were driving.” He breathed out through his nose. “You killed Cooper.”

  Cam stumbled back until he hit the bench in front of the lockers. He sank down. “Avery, I wasn’t—”

  “I don’t want to hear your excuses!” He ran a hand through his brown hair, pulling at the ends. “We shouldn’t have been in that car. You shouldn’t have been driving. This is a warning. Don’t cross us. Those of us on the football team, Coop’s team, will never forget what you did. Keep your distance, and just maybe, we won’t pound your face into the dirt.” He turned and stormed from the room before Cam could get another word in.

  Cam bent forward, letting his face sink into his hands. Images from that night flickered like a movie, telling the story of the tragedy of Cooper Callahan. But Cam hadn’t been behind the wheel.

  “Coop, slow down.” Cam leaned between the front seats, trying to make Cooper hear him over the thumping music.

  Cooper’s foot sank down on the gas, and the car lurched forward. They whipped around icy curves, the car fishtailing.

  “Coop!” Cam latched onto his friend’s arm before glancing sideways. “Avery, talk some sense into him.”

  Avery only slouched lower on the seat as his eyes slid closed, and his body heaved again. He mumbled something unintelligible. How much had the two of them drank at the party?

  “Coop, you need to slow down before we reach the bridge.”

  Cooper shook his head. “My brother is following us. We need to lose him.”

  Cam lifted his face as other athletes flooded the room. He stood, grabbed his bag, and walked out into the late afternoon sun. He thought of everything Avery had said about the accident, and the truth struck him in full force.

  Avery St. Germaine didn’t remember that night. He didn’t see images of a dead friend in the spaces of his mind. There was no guilt for anything that happened because he didn’t know.

  He hadn’t seen Julian desperately trying to save his twin in the moments before the car plunged over the falls. He didn’t know what the drop felt like. There was no moment in his mind where he knew with clear certainty he was going to die only to wake up days later.

  Was Avery the lucky one?

  Or did the blank screen of that night hold a different kind of pain?

  7

  Peyton

  ~ Peyton,

  I’m sorry about that night.

  I’m sorry I kissed you and started whatever this was supposed to be.

  But you have got to forget about me.

  Cam ~

  “Ugh, are you the only waitress who works at this shit diner?” Addison looked up from her menu.

  “Well, you’re sitting in my section.” Peyton shrugged. “The counter has been my section on this same shift for, like, three years. You’re welcome to sit here or anywhere else.” She stood, waiting for Addison to make up her mind. It wasn’t often Addison came into the diner alone. It wasn’t often she did anything alone.

  “Whatever, I’m waiting on some friends.” Addison waved her away.

  “Sure, you just let me know when you and your friends are ready to order from this shitty diner.” Peyton went back to filling the salt and pepper shakers at the waitress station behind the counter.

  “Really, honey?” Peyton’s mom whispere
d. “What was that? You two used to be inseparable.”

  “We used to be a lot of things, Mom.”

  “Oh honey, losing Cooper was hard on everyone. Especially those who loved him and knew him the way you and your friends did. He’d be crushed to see you all scattered to the winds now.”

  Julian gave a disgusted snort as he rushed past them to bus tables to make room for the growing crowd.

  “I think it’s hardest for Julian.” She shook her head. “That one still has a lot of anger he’s not dealing with yet.”

  “It’s Julian, Mom. When is he ever not angry?”

  “I know it’s hard, Peyton, but he needs you. Honestly, you two need each other. Try to be a little more understanding.”

  Peyton nodded. In theory, her mom was probably right. But in reality, Coop and Julian had never gotten along. The twins were like oil and water. Unless that was what had Julian in such a foul mood since his return. Maybe he was feeling all kinds of guilt for hating his brother all those years?

  A crash of breaking dishes and clattering silverware pulled Peyton out of her thoughts.

  “Watch where you’re going!” Addison’s shrill voice rang out across the noisy diner.

  Peyton looked up to see Julian trying to help Addison up from the pile of dirty dishes and the slop of leftover food on the floor.

  Peyton suppressed a laugh when Addie slipped and fell again.

  “Easy now, I got you.” Julian said, taking her by the arms and pulling her to her feet. He held her close, trying to keep her from slipping again. She stared at him for a moment in surprise—the way people often did when they confused him with Cooper.

  “No.” She struggled to move away from him, slipping and falling once again in the mess.

  “It’s okay, Addie.” Julian crouched beside her.

  “No. Get away from me!” She scrambled across the floor, smearing ranch dressing across her red dress.

  Peyton frowned, stepping out from behind the counter. Something wasn’t right. She knew Addison Parker better than most people. She wasn’t mad or embarrassed. Addie was…scared.

  “Let me help you, Addie,” Julian said, taking another step toward her.

  “Don’t touch me.” Her voice shook as she threw her hands up in front of her face as if to protect herself.

  “Hey, Addison,” Julian said. “Look at me.” He crouched down beside her. “Look at my eyes. See? One brown and one blue. I’m not him.”

  He sat next to her, careful not to touch her as she took a deep breath. Her hands fell back to her lap.

  “Right,” she whispered. “Julian.”

  “Sorry I ran into you with this crap. Send us your dry-cleaning bill.” He made light of the stressful moment as he got Addison back on her feet and away from the slippery mess.

  The moment she looked up to the sea of faces watching their exchange, Addie’s face flushed bright red, and she bolted for the door.

  Julian took a step to follow her.

  “Don’t,” Peyton called as she grabbed Addie’s purse and keys from her seat at the counter and followed her out the door.

  Why on earth would Addison Parker be afraid of Julian?

  “What was that?” Peyton jogged across the parking lot to where Addison leaned against her car.

  “Nothing.” Addison straightened, wiping her eyes.

  “Addie, are you okay?” Peyton’s voice softened.

  “Fine,” she snapped.

  “What happened to us, Addison? We used to be friends?”

  “Friends? Addison glared at her. “Friends don’t abandon their friends when they need them the most.” She snatched her purse and keys from Peyton’s hands. “Friends don’t let a stupid guy eclipse everything else going on around them.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You! You were so wrapped up in your own little world that night…” She shook her head in disgust. “A lot of people have failed me in my life, Peyton. I just never thought you’d be one of them.” She stepped into her car and slammed the door, leaving Peyton bewildered.

  “Oh my God! They’re here. They’re here!” Addison’s voice hit a piercing note, making Peyton cringe.

  “Calm down, girl. You’re trying to play it cool, remember. We don’t care if the cheerleaders show up to your party or not.” Peyton adjusted the adorable string of Christmas lights woven into Addie’s hair.

  “Right.” Addison nodded.

  “Go hang out with Coop,” Nari suggested. “They’re all half in love with him even if they won’t admit it. It’ll impress them to know you hang with him and some of the guys from the team.”

  “Good idea. I’ll see you girls later.” She turned to go but whirled back around. “Peyton Lillian Callahan, why aren’t you off seducing Cameron?”

  “Julian crashed our date when he hitched a ride with us, and it was weird when we got here. He’s off with Avery now.”

  “Ugh, Julian’s such an ass. I didn’t even invite him.”

  “You know he doesn’t care about stuff like that,” Nari said, frowning at the way Addison swayed on her feet as she took another sip of her drink. “You should slow down, Addie.” She took the cup from her friend. “The party is just getting started.”

  “I didn’t eat anything today, so it’s hitting me harder than usual.” Addie ran her hand over her clammy brow.

  “Go find Coop and tell him to feed you,” Peyton said. “I’m going to find Cam and get this date back on track.”

  “Look for the mistletoe!” Addison called. “I hung them everywhere!” Addie stumbled, clutching Nari for support.

  “Thanks.” Peyton waved. “Don’t be such a lightweight, Addie! Go find a sandwich or something with actual carbs.”

  Peyton shook her head, mopping up the mess Julian had made when he ran right into Addison heading for the bathroom.

  It doesn’t make sense. Nothing about that Christmas Eve party more than a year ago accounted for Addison’s behavior just now.

  How did I fail her? Addie was just as excited about finally getting Peyton and Cameron under the mistletoe as Peyton was. She’d hung the stuff everywhere just for them.

  “How can I fix something when I don’t even know what’s broken?”

  8

  Cameron

  ~ Cam,

  I know you’re better than they think you are.

  Peyton ~

  “No,” Cam groaned. Water filled his lungs as he struggled to break the surface. His left leg had gone numb before the water even pushed him over the falls. He sucked in a breath as his head emerged from the frothing water.

  Cam’s eyes snapped open, and he bolted upright, the blanket falling from around his waist.

  “Cam, honey. You’re okay.” His mother sat at the end of his bed.

  Her voice didn’t calm him as a mother’s should. As it once had. He slid back until he rested against his headboard. His pillow had fallen to the floor at some point during the night. He never remembered the exact dreams, but the ice they left in his veins remained.

  “Cam,” his mother tried again. “When was the last time you slept through the night?” Cecilia Tucker liked to believe she took care of him. She liked to think he needed her. But over the years, her fitness empire left little time for unimportant family life.

  The day after the accident, she’d gone back to work making her celebrity fitness videos and letting his father arrange to send Cam away from home.

  Her eyes scanned his face for only a moment before traveling down to where his stump now lay uncovered. Her eyes widened only a fraction, just enough for the anger in Cam to bubble to the surface. Eighteen months later and now his deformity surprised her?

  The psychologist they had made him see at the training center would have chastised him for the term deformity. She always told him his loss didn’t make him weaker or less than but only unique.

  Everyone had their own set of challenges, she’d say. This was his.

  He yanked the blanket back over hims
elf and met her sorrowful gaze. He had no illusions that her sorrow was for him. She hated what she’d lost. There was a time when their family was on the rise. She was the fitness guru who had a son destined for the Olympics and a husband who’d get him there.

  “Cam.” She sighed, moving past the awkwardness. “Your father and I need to speak with you. Please come downstairs.” Without another word, she rose, flattened the creases in her dress pants, and left the room.

  Cam leaned his head back, lifting his eyes to the stars above. He shifted sideways and scooted his legs over the edge of the bed.

  Peyton’s wooden box sat on the table beside it. He’d brought it in from the car for the first time, thinking it would help chase away the darkness in his mind.

  But some darkness was absolute.

  He rubbed his tired eyes and leaned down, reaching for the silicone socket that sometimes felt like it had become part of him. He rolled it on, taking his time, before grabbing the prosthetic and aligning it with the pin before pulling it up. All the air from the socket left almost like it had been placed in a vacuum.

  When Cam first started training how to walk with the prosthetic, the limb had felt foreign on his body. Now, it was as if it had always been there. For him, at least. The people of Twin Rivers wouldn’t see it that way.

  He pushed himself from the bed and managed to get dressed without falling like he still sometimes did.

  Down in the kitchen, his parents sat at the small white table, waiting for him. Matching timid expressions greeted him.

  His smoothie sat ready on the counter, but he didn’t touch it. Instead, he went to the cabinet and pulled out the box of pop tarts he hadn’t bothered to hide. When he was training for the Olympics, he’d never imagined himself indulging in sugar and carbs. Now, he didn’t care. If he was going to sit down with his parents, he’d need the boost.