The F Word (Redefining Me #1)

by Michelle MacQueen

  He released a sigh and stepped toward where Avery had Carlson pinned to the locker. “Let him go, Avery. He isn’t worth it.”

  Avery released his friend, not meeting Cam’s eyes.

  Julian stepped up beside Peyton, appearing ready to step in if need be. Cam shook his head.

  Peyton pulled Cam back. “Let’s just go.”

  Cam waited one beat longer, but Avery and Julian remained silent. Finally, he let Peyton drag him down the hall. He no longer cared about Carlson’s words. Avery had defended him. He wasn’t delusional enough to think it meant anything more than Avery finding the conscience he’d once had. But it was a start.

  Maybe the Avery he’d known back then was still in there somewhere and only needed a reason to come out.

  17

  Peyton

  ~ Peyton,

  I need you. But you’ll never know that

  because I won’t send this email.

  I like to believe that somehow you can feel it.

  Cam ~

  “You’re looking lovely, Peyton,” Mrs. Jones said. She and her husband were frequent flyers at The Main during the senior citizen rush. “How much have you lost dear?”

  “Oh, last time I checked, about thirty-eight pounds.” Peyton smiled as she refilled their iced tea glasses. These days, Peyton wasn’t constantly obsessing over her weight loss. She was feeling more and more like her old self, happy to live her life with moderation, healthy foods, and regular exercise no matter what number the scale happened to say. She’d get back to her normal weight soon enough.

  “Losing some weight before prom season, eh? Good plan, kiddo,” Mr. Jones—never a man with much tact—gave her a wink. “The young men will be lining up at your door in no time.”

  “Eh, I’m not worried about dates or boys.” She smiled. “As long as I have my friends, I’m a happy girl.” She glanced over her shoulder to where Cameron and Nari sat at the counter, arguing about video games while they waited for her shift to end.

  “Well, young Cameron can’t keep his eyes off you,” Mrs. Jones said in a hushed voice.

  “The Tucker boy? I’m sure he’s beating ’em off with a stick, a good-looking athlete like that.”

  “That’s not something we say anymore, Richard. Girls like Peyton have so much more going for them than we did back in my day. Lots of choices that don’t involve boys. Isn’t that right dear?”

  “You know it, Mrs. Jones,” Peyton said. “I’m working my butt off for a scholarship to MIT.”

  “MIT?” Mr. Jones gave an impressed nod. “You keep your mind on the books, young lady.”

  “Yes, sir.” She smiled as she handed him the check. “Have a good night.” She finished clearing their table and took the dishes back to Julian in the kitchen.

  “Peyton, honey, was that your last table?” her mom asked from her spot behind the grill.

  “Yeah, I just need to finish my side tasks and I’m done.”

  “Go ahead and clock out, I have your dinner ready. Nari and Cam look hungry, and I know they’re waiting for you.” Peyton’s mother put the finishing touches on the three dishes in front of her.

  “Hey, thanks! I’m starving.” Peyton punched her timecard and washed her hands.

  “I worry you’re not eating enough.” Her mom frowned. “You’ve been leaning toward the vegan dishes lately, and that’s fine, but I want to make sure you’re getting enough protein and a healthy calorie intake. You look fantastic, but you’ve lost a lot of weight in the last six months. You should think about maintenance over loss soon.”

  “I’m good, Mom.” Peyton squeezed her mother’s hand. “I had a hard time finding the balance I’ve needed in my diet, but I’m in a good place.”

  “Tofu or chicken?” She asked.

  “For what?”

  “I’m trying some new healthy recipes, so I’m testing you and your friends. I’ve got avocado, brown rice, and salmon street tacos for Cam and Tahini-Lemon Quinoa with asparagus for Nari.”

  “Ohh, that sounds good. Can I have that too?”

  “I made you light alfredo with spaghetti squash, mushrooms, zucchini, and I can add crispy tofu if you want to keep it vegan or chicken if you want more protein.”

  “I’ll do chicken tonight.”

  “Good choice. I also made some cauliflower garlic bread and cinnamon churro bananas with vegan chocolate for all of you.”

  “That all sounds divine.” Peyton took the huge tray from her mother. “We’ll let you know how yummy everything is.” She flashed her mom a smile, eager to try the new dishes.

  “Peyton, honey. It’s so good to see that beautiful smile of yours again. Tell Cam he’s on my list if he messes things up again.” She winked as Peyton rolled her eyes.

  “Your mom is a culinary genius.” Cam tossed his napkin aside and stretched.

  “That was definitely some of her top-shelf cooking,” Peyton agreed.

  “I don’t even like bananas.” Nari shoved her glasses up her nose. “But that churro stuff was amazing.”

  “I mean, my mom has made a fortune hocking her protein drinks and exercise videos to athletes and health nuts, but Mrs. C could run circles around her with this food. She should package that cauliflower bread stuff.”

  “She’s taken on some vegan catering jobs lately, and I think she really enjoys getting away from all the diner food for a change of pace.”

  Peyton glimpsed Cameron’s phone screen over his shoulder. “Hey, what are you looking at.” Is he using my app! It gave Peyton a little thrill every time she saw someone using No BS, but to see Cameron smiling at the screen, she couldn’t imagine how the No BS community was helping him deal with his loss.

  “It’s this app I’m obsessed with,” he said. “It’s called No BS, and it’s so motivating. No matter how hard things get, there’s always someone out there who understands.”

  “You’ve been posting?” Peyton’s heart did a little tap dance.

  “Yeah and commenting on other posts. It’s great. There’s a rumor that someone from Twin Rivers developed the app as a safe place for students to talk about the issues they’re too afraid to tackle on their own—too afraid to ask for help. I know it’s just chatting online with random strangers, but it’s done so much to help me deal with my anger at losing my leg. I’ve talked to people who’ve experienced all kinds of life-altering things, and they’ve helped me understand that I need to come to terms with who I am now and it’s okay to look at my new life as a blank slate. I can do anything I want now, and it’s up to me to decide what that is.”

  “That’s incredible, Cam.” Tears pricked her eyes. This was what she’d wanted No BS to be. Even if she didn’t win the competition, she was so proud of her accomplishments and even more proud of the online community that grew from her ideas. They were the true winners.

  “You should download it.”

  “I’ll check it out.” She smiled as a girl approached the counter. “Hey, Julian, you have a customer,” Peyton called to her brother behind the register. Normally, she’d help out even after clocking out, but not when the customer was Meghan Lewis, the meanest of the mean girls and the most popular girl at Twin Rivers High. Peyton could never understand why the mean girls were always popular.

  “Hey, Meghan,” Julian muttered as he stepped up to the counter wiping his hands on his apron. “What can I get for you.”

  “Wow, you really do look like Coop up close,” Meghan said.

  “Yeah, identical twins usually do.” He heaved a sigh, refusing to meet her gaze.

  Peyton felt bad for her brother. People said stuff like that to him all the time, not knowing how it kept the pain of his loss so fresh in his mind. No wonder he’d needed to get away from Twin Rivers.

  “What can I get for you?”

  “Party tray.” She tossed her order receipt at him and turned away. Clearly having Cooper’s face wasn’t enough to capture her attention for more than a moment.

  “Cameron.” She eased onto the
barstool next to him, her short skirt riding up her thigh. “What are you doing here on a Saturday night when I’m having a party?” She pouted her cherry red lips at him.

  “Hanging out with my friends,” he said politely.

  “Who? Fatton and Nerdi?” she said in a singsong voice. “I know you’ve lost a lot, Cam.” She pressed her hand over his. “You poor thing, not able to walk when you used to run better than anyone.”

  “Uh, he can walk just fine,” Nari said. “He’s not paralyzed, he just lost a leg.”

  “Whatever, that doesn’t mean you have to hang out with these losers.” She leaned in with a whisper. “The people that matter are still here for you, Cam.”

  Peyton watched as Cameron’s face turned bright red and anger kept him silent. Cam never was very good at the quick comeback.

  “Um, thanks,” Peyton said. “But you know, we’re the ones who have been here for Cam no matter what. Whether he was an Olympic hopeful or not.”

  “I am already with the people who matter the most to me.” Cameron’s voice came out strained, like he was trying not to lose his shit. “But where were you with your fake concern when I was in recovery for eighteen months?” He glared at Meghan.

  “I uh—” Meghan stuttered as Cameron stood up.

  “See, he has two perfectly good legs,” Nari quipped. “One’s just bionic, and we’re cool with that.”

  Cameron flashed Nari an amused smile. “You think I give a shit about you and your popular friends when I’ve been through hell and back with mine?” He gestured over his shoulder at them. “Peyton has always been there for me. She is always in my corner. Every single day I was gone, she was there for me giving me the encouragement I needed to get through the most difficult time of my life. And Nari has been there to give me the tough love and the kick in the balls I’ve needed to get my life back. You have no idea how amazing they both are. I count myself lucky to have them as my closest friends.”

  “It’s okay, Cam.” Peyton stood beside him. “She doesn’t know what it’s like to have friends like that.” Peyton took his hand. “I feel sorry for her.”

  “Can’t you see she’s hopelessly in love with you,” Meghan said. “It’s pathetic. You’re reaching too high, Peyton. You should stay in your lane. The wide lane.”

  “If she is in love with me, then I’m the luckiest guy in the world. Your perception of beauty is warped. Peyton is gorgeous. Always has been and always will be.”

  “Whatever.” Meghan laughed.

  “She’s not worth it, Cam,” Nari said.

  “Damn right, she’s not.”

  “Your fat jokes are old news, Meghan. Just because I don’t have the body of a flat-chested eleven-year-old boy doesn’t mean I’m not healthy and beautiful in my own way. I know that now. I lost sight of that for a long time, but I’m figuring out how to be me again.

  “Here’s your order.” Peyton’s mom dropped a party tray on the counter. “On the house.”

  Meghan looked at her in surprise.

  “Nari and Peyton are both beautiful, sweet girls. If I ever hear you call my daughter ‘Fatton’ or her friend ‘Nerdi’ ever again, I’ll be having a serious talk with your mother. Mrs. Lewis and I go way back, and I know she would be mortified if she knew her daughter was a bully.”

  “I-I’m sorry. I-I didn’t realize you were there.”

  “It shouldn’t matter if I’m here or not.” Peyton’s mom fumed. “You know they call you ‘The Meg,’ right?” She crossed her arms over her chest.

  “Uh, everyone calls me Meg,” she said, rolling her eyes. “My name’s Meghan.”

  “No darling. Surely, you’ve heard them call you ‘Megalodon’ behind your back? I’m just a PTA mom, and even I know that.”

  Meghan’s cheeks flushed pink. “Megadone rhymes with megaphone. I’m a cheerleader, it’s cute.”

  “Oh, honey, no.” Peyton’s mom shook her head. “Meg-a-lo-don. Google it. The Megalodon is a big giant bitch of a shark. They call you ‘The Meg’ because you’re bloodthirsty and mean, just like a shark. I don’t allow bullies in my diner. The Main will always be a safe place for the kids in this town. Now get out and don’t come back.”

  18

  Cameron

  ~ Cam,

  We’ll always be us. Peyton and Cameron.

  I hope that thought makes you smile.

  Peyton ~

  Cam had a secret.

  One that could ruin the newfound friendship with Peyton.

  For a year after Cam left, Peyton emailed him. Every day. Three hundred sixty-five emails. He’d felt her fading away with each email, finding less to say as the gap between them widened, as she came to the conclusion he wasn’t going to write her back.

  Her final email came on the anniversary of Cooper’s death, of the accident. It had been filled with more profanity than he’d ever heard come out of her mouth. She was angry. He’d been glad when he saw it. So many of the other emails were emotionless, and the girl he knew felt everything deeply. It made him happy she hadn’t lost that. He wanted her to hate him, to move on. He hadn’t thought he’d be returning to town until six months later when his parents suddenly decided to stop paying for a training facility for a son who refused to train any longer.

  But that wasn’t his secret.

  He’d responded to every email. It was sending his response that had been impossible. The “send” button had been the mountain he hadn’t been able to climb. It had taunted him every day. Not just for the first year he was gone, but every day after that as well.

  He scrolled through the draft folder on his email program. There they were. Every email. Some pleaded with Peyton to stop. Others told her he wasn’t coming back. And one… Well, that one said everything. He clicked on it. It wasn’t the first time he’d read his own words, and he knew it probably wouldn’t be the last.

  Peyton,

  It’s been a while, yeah? I’ve wanted to talk to you so many times, but haven’t been able to. I’ve been gone now for 230 days. If this were last year, you’d make fun of me for counting, but we aren’t those people anymore.

  I heard Julian left. That sucks. You don’t deserve to lose anyone else. But, Pey, I’m not coming back. You need to forget about me.

  The accident… Pey, it broke me. It took something from me but I will not bring you into my pain.

  I want you to stop writing to me. Stop thinking about me. I’m trying to forget. Forget the accident. Forget Twin Rivers. Forget you.

  You can’t be part of my life anymore. It hurts to think of you and I don’t want to hurt anymore. I can’t be happy when you’re in my life. We aren’t what we were. We aren’t friends. I don’t want to be your friend. Please stop being mine.

  He hadn’t signed it. He hadn’t sent it. Instead, his own words sat like an albatross on his computer. How could he have ever wanted to forget her? Peyton was everything. She didn’t cause the pain. She made it disappear.

  He’d been in such a dark place, and her daily emails only made it worse. He’d continued to respond to each of her emails after that, but none were so dark. In her final email, she told him it was time to stop missing him. He should have been happy. It was what he’d wanted. For her to move on.

  His last unsent response was only two words.

  I’m sorry.

  He had been, but it hadn’t changed his decision. If he was done with Twin Rivers, he couldn’t allow himself to miss anyone there. He hadn’t known where he planned to go. He turned eighteen the summer before returning home and could have found a job somewhere had his mother not shown up in Atlanta telling him it was time to come home.

  One of his trainers had called her, or maybe his psychologist. Whoever it was, they’d told his parents he was not going to train for the Paralympics. That he refused. His parents thought they could convince him to change his mind by allowing him to come home.

  He looked at the clock on his computer. He’d avoided being home much, but today there was someone he was expe
cting.

  A knock sounded on his door. Would his parents have allowed them to come up to his room?

  He didn’t bother closing out of his email. He had a few to respond to once he finished the conversation he’d been preparing for. He walked across the room and opened the door, his mouth going dry when he found Meghan Lewis leaning against the doorframe. He’d been expecting someone else.

  “Meghan.” He backed up. “What are you doing here?” He flicked his eyes to the empty hallway behind her, expecting someone to jump out and tell him it was all just a prank.

  Meghan only laughed and pushed him back so she could step into his room and shut the door. Her eyes scanned the room. “Cute.”

  He crossed his arms over his chest as if it provided some kind of defense. “Again, what are you doing here?”

  She turned her gaze on him. “I wanted to see you. Is that a crime, Cameron Tucker?”

  She said his name as if it still meant something. Meghan had been one of the girls always trying to catch his attention back when he’d been an Olympic hopeful with two working legs. Since his return, she’d barely acknowledged him. “Ummm.” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

  Meghan was probably the most popular girl in school other than Addison and Ashley. She was a cheerleader, and he wouldn’t deny her attractiveness. Most of the guys in the school would kill to have her standing in their bedroom. Yet, Cam backed away, hoping she’d get the hint and leave.

  She didn’t. Instead, she followed him until they reached the edge of the bed.

  Cam swallowed as she stepped way too close. “You…you should leave. Go and find your boyfriend, Avery.”

  She peered up at him through her long lashes. Blond hair fell in waves down her back, never out of place. “Why would I leave?” She brushed a hand down his arm. “You and I could have a lot of fun together. Avery probably wouldn’t even care. Our relationship isn’t exactly serious.”