The F Word (Redefining Me #1)

by Michelle MacQueen

  Cam tried to turn away, but she followed him, still not allowing him any space to think. He had to get rid of her.

  “Cammy.” Her voice was breathless as she flattened a palm against his chest. Her other hand snaked down the front of his jeans and into his pocket.

  And he couldn’t breathe. Not because she was a popular, attractive girl throwing herself at him. No, Cam’s current state of freeze was due to the anger he tried to keep from exploding out of him. No matter what kind of person she was, he didn’t want to embarrass Meghan. He’d have to extricate himself delicately.

  Meghan pulled his phone from his pocket and pressed the home button. He’d turned off his lock code after getting annoyed with it not working.

  Meghan held the phone up. “Picture.” Before Cam could react, Meghan snapped a photo of them. “Aw, it’s so cute. I’m sending it to myself.” Her fingers worked over the keyboard so swiftly. When she was finished, she threw it down on the bed and reached for his hand.

  He snatched it away. “Meghan, you need to go.”

  “You don’t really want that.” Her arms slid around his waist. He jumped when she squeezed his butt. “I won’t tell anyone.”

  The anger Cam had been trying to repress finally rose to the surface, and he pushed her away. “This isn’t going to happen, Meghan. I’m sorry, but like I said, you need to go.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “Oh, right, I forgot. You only like fat chicks.” She crossed her arms. “We all see it. The only person who doesn’t believe you like Peyton is that chub herself. She’ll never be with you. You’ve been friend-zoned.” She lowered her voice. “Frankly, she’s probably a lesbian. Which is cool and all, but also means you’ve got no shot.”

  Cam’s face reddened. He stormed to the door and ripped it open so fast he was surprised it didn’t fly off the hinges. Before he could shove her through it, his mother’s voice called up to him.

  “Cam, someone is at the door to see you.”

  He’d almost forgotten what he’d been waiting for. He shook his head. “Meghan, I don’t know what game you’re playing or if this is some elaborate ploy to get back at Peyton for embarrassing you. But I won’t be a part of it. You’re nothing but a vapid bitch. Nothing you say can hurt Peyton because she is the strongest person I know. You want to know why I’m so damn in love with her? Because she is everything. Strong. Beautiful. Kind. And you are nothing. I’m going to walk away, because I would rather be just about anywhere else right now. When I get back, if you’re still here, I’m going to throw you out the freaking window.”

  He turned and smiled to himself when he heard her tiny gasp as his words sank in. He might regret them later, but he didn’t have time to dwell on the fact that he’d just said he was in love with Peyton. One day, she’d know it too.

  But today wasn’t about Peyton. He left Meghan in his room, believing she’d take his advice and slink out the way she’d come. He pushed her from his mind and entered the living room where a man in a blue sport jacket stood talking to his mother. A few moments later, the front door slammed as Meghan left.

  “Jesse Evans.” Cam walked forward, his hand outstretched.

  Jesse turned with a grin. “Cameron.” He grasped his hand. “It’s good to see you, boy. The last time was—”

  “After I broke the state record about two years ago.”

  Jesse nodded. “That was some feat, kid.”

  Cam nodded. “And some article you wrote about it.”

  “I only wrote the words you said to me.”

  Cam raised an eyebrow. “With your own spin.”

  Jesse chuckled.

  Cam’s mom had watched the exchange curiously. “I remember Mr. Evans, here. But what I don’t understand is why he showed up at our door today. We’ve turned down every interview request.”

  A heavy set of footsteps sounded in the hall moments before Cam’s father entered the room and froze.

  His mother regarded her husband. “I thought we agreed to Cam’s request for no press.”

  Confusion marred his features. “A request I didn’t agree with but adhered to nonetheless.” He turned hard eyes on Jessie. “Mr. Evans, what are you doing here? Cam is not doing interviews.”

  Cam couldn’t believe his father was protecting him. “Dad.” All three adults turned to look at him. “I asked him to come.”

  “You asked him here?” He shook his head as if to clear it. “You realize he’s a reporter, right? For Running Life? That’s a thing people read.”

  Cam’s lips curved up. “Did you just make a joke, Dad?” There’d been a time when Cam’s relationship with his dad hadn’t been so intense. Before he became the coach. As a kid, Cam idolized his father. He wanted to be him. That was why he started running—to make him proud. Somewhere along the way, they’d lost their father-son relationship.

  Cam clapped his dad on the shoulder. “It’s okay. We won’t tell anyone.”

  His dad stared at him like he was seeing someone he hadn’t laid eyes on in a long time. He shrugged. “Your old man can be funny.”

  “Dad, no one is funny when they have to say they’re funny.”

  “Maybe you’re not.”

  “Ooo.” Cam cupped his hands around his lips. “My father just made another joke, ladies and gentlemen.”

  Jesse laughed, not knowing how rare smiles in that house were.

  Cam caught his mom’s eye and winked. Her smile widened. Maybe she too was remembering a time their home was filled with jokes. It had been a long time.

  The lightness wasn’t only within those walls, Cam felt it inside him. Ever since getting Peyton back into his life, the darkness had faded away, and he realized he didn’t want anger and past hurts to control him for the rest of his life. For so long, he’d allowed his family to change as they all chased his dream of the Olympics. Take the dream away and they’d had nothing left.

  Or at least that’s what he’d thought in his time away from Twin Rivers.

  If Peyton could forgive him, could trust him again, then why couldn’t he do the same with his parents?

  Jesse cleared his throat. “Are you ready to begin, Cameron?”

  “Begin what?” Cam’s dad asked.

  Cam met his gaze. “The rest of my life.” He turned to Jesse and gestured to where a couch and two chairs sat in the center of the room.

  Cam’s mom put a hand on his shoulder. “We’ll leave you two to talk.”

  Cam put his hand over hers. “Will you stay?” He glanced to his father. “Both of you?”

  His father cleared his throat. “Of course, we will, son.”

  The four of them sat, a silence hanging between them.

  Jesse pulled his phone from his pocket and set it to record their conversation. “Cameron, you said you were finally ready to tell your story. To let the running world know where you’ve been. I’ll let you speak freely without interruptions as was your request.”

  Cam nodded, swallowing. He reached down to pull up his pant leg. Jessie’s eyes widened, but before he could ask questions about the leg, Cam began. “My family had a dream.” As he spoke, his other problems seemed to fade away. He forgot about Meghan’s antics only minutes ago. The tension that had existed within his family evaporated. It was only him and the rest of the world. Easy, right?

  It was. He knew what he wanted to say just as well as he knew how to take his next breath. It came more natural than any interview he’d ever done.

  He leaned back into the couch, not meeting anyone’s eyes. “When I was at the training facility in Atlanta, I thought the accident took everything from me.” He smiled. “I have a good friend, better than I deserve. She let me see that I wasn’t broken. That maybe the dream I’d worked so hard for wasn’t what I wanted after all.” His eyes fell on his father.

  Unlike previous conversations about this topic, his father didn’t interrupt. He didn’t scowl. In fact, it seemed as if every part of him was listening, was finally hearing him.

  So, Cam continued. �
�I don’t know what I want. That’s the truth. Running gave me so much over the years, and I will always be grateful for it, but I need to figure out life off the track. I’m not who I was before, but I’m still here. Not everyone from that accident can say the same.” He leaned forward. “Cooper Callahan was my friend, and he died while I lived. I’ll never be able to make sense of that. I didn’t lose my leg. I was given my life.”

  As if the words drained him, his body sagged, exhaustion sinking into him. He hadn’t known the words he planned to say before he spoke and, as they rolled back through his head, he felt them in every cell.

  Jesse whistled through his teeth. “I have to be honest, Cam. I didn’t expect that story when you called. I sort of thought you would use me to announce your return to competition. It’s amazing this has all been kept under wraps.”

  Cam smiled at that. “My parents made every trainer I worked with sign confidentiality agreements.” He met his dad’s eyes once more. “They wanted me to be ready to reveal the truth on my own terms.”

  His father might have tried pushing reporters on him, but he’d never let anyone else reveal the truth. Cam hadn’t seen it before, but his father wasn’t ashamed of his broken son; he was protecting the son he loved. When his father was disqualified from the Olympics for drug use, he’d never been given the chance to tell his own story, his side.

  He hadn’t wanted the same for his son.

  Jesse turned off the recording app on his phone and stood. “You’re a remarkable young man, Cameron Tucker. My readers can learn a lot from your story. I’m sorry for everything you’ve lost.”

  “Haven’t you heard anything I’ve said?” Cam laughed. “I just went on this elaborate hour-long tale just to say I haven’t lost anything.”

  “But the running? Don’t you miss it?”

  “I can still run and love it for the sake of the sport. I’m just a bit slower than I used to be. I don’t need the competitions.”

  Jesse grinned. “That’s a brilliant way to put it.” He walked beside Cam to the front door. “Can I ask you one final question?”

  “Shoot.”

  “Why now? This all happened over a year and a half ago. Why did you call me this week?”

  Cam scratched his chin, trying to come up with an answer. The truth was, he didn’t know. It had just seemed right. For the first time in so long, he’d truly felt like the boy he used to be. Maybe it was learning he could feel anything other than self-pity. Maybe Peyton’s words had broken through to him. Your body isn’t who you are.

  His love for her had never left, but he’d pushed it down so far he’d forgotten it was there. Now it was back.

  He turned to Jesse and shrugged as he opened the door. “A girl.”

  Jesse laughed. “A girl?”

  A wry smile spread across Cam’s face. “Doesn’t it always come down to a girl?”

  “She must be pretty special, this girl.”

  “She is.”

  Jesse only shook his head with a grin, mumbling “a girl” under his breath as he walked out to his car.

  Cam shut the door and passed the living room on his way to the stairs. He stopped when he saw his parents still sitting there. “Mom… Dad…”

  “Yes, Cameron?” His mother lifted her face to his.

  His father turned in his chair.

  “Thanks.” He nodded to each of them before climbing the stairs, feeling as though he was finally moving forward. As soon as Jesse wrote the article, the entire running world would know what he went through.

  They’d know he was retiring from a running career that hadn’t even started, yet once held so much promise.

  They’d know he was going to be okay. Eventually.

  There was one more thing he had to do. He hadn’t been lying when he said he couldn’t be Peyton’s friend, or at least not just her friend. He didn’t want only pieces of her, he wanted it all. Every smile, every kiss. She was the best part of him, and he was a fool to think he could have ever let her go.

  19

  Peyton

  ~ Peyton,

  I’m sorry.

  Cam ~

  Peyton didn’t see them at first. She was so focused on talking to Katie. So excited to share the good news. But then she saw the snide looks and the staring. Everyone in the halls avoided Peyton’s gaze, letting their eyes return to the letter in their hands. Pink paper covered the lockers and carpeted the halls in the same nauseating shade.

  Peyton looked down at her feet, and she saw it. Her name was everywhere. They were emails. Private emails she’d never received. She leaned down, sifting through the pages. She could feel Cameron’s pain leaping from the text.

  Peyton,

  Give it a rest. Your emails are worthless to me. Just stop. The Cameron you knew died in that car with your brother.

  Cam

  Peyton,

  We aren’t friends.

  Move on.

  Cam

  Peyton,

  Ignoring you isn’t working. Nothing’s working. I just want to stop feeling… anything. I need you to stop badgering me with your daily emails.

  Cam

  Pey,

  I’m sorry about that night. I’m sorry I kissed you and started whatever this was supposed to be. But you have got to forget about me. I’m not interested. I’m not sure I ever was.

  Cam

  Peyton,

  Today was a shitty day. Your email made me smile, and I haven’t done that in months. It’s strange the way a smile feels on my face now. Like my face might crack from the unfamiliarity of it. I know you’re trying to be the same friend you’ve always been. But I need you to let me go. I’m not worth it.

  Cam

  Peyton,

  Just shut up, already. Just shut up and leave me alone!

  Peyton,

  I’m an asshole. An asshole who took advantage of your kindness for far too long.

  I’m sorry, but you need to forget me.

  Cam

  And on and on they went. Every feeling Cameron experienced. Every angry word he’d spoken. Every knee-jerk reaction to her daily emails lay across the floor where the students who didn’t really know either of them could trample the words.

  That’s how she felt now. Like she’d been trampled. These were his most private thoughts and feelings. He didn’t deserve this.

  She could hear the laughter behind her.

  “So pathetic.”

  “Poor Cam. Who knew she was such a stalker.”

  “To think she would harass him at a time like that? She should be ashamed of herself.”

  “Crazy.”

  “Psycho.”

  “Dude needs a restraining order.”

  Peyton barely acknowledged them. They could think what they wanted.

  With tears in her eyes, she sorted through the emails, wondering how many times he’d responded to her and then decided not to send it.

  Every time, she finally realized.

  Peyton stood, letting the emails flutter to the ground. She’d written him every single day for a year. For three hundred sixty-five days, she’d sent her best friend gentle reminders that she was still there for him. Sometimes, she’d vented her own sorrow and anger in her messages, but she’d never failed to remind him that he wasn’t alone. And then after a year had passed without a single response, she’d stopped sending them.

  But he responded to my emails. Peyton shook her head in confusion. Why wouldn’t he send them? How could he keep all of that bottled up inside? How could he read her emails and choose not to let her know he shared her feelings? That he was mourning a loss of his own. How could he do that to them?

  “Peyton!” She turned at the sound of his voice. “Let me explain.” He rushed down the hall toward her.

  “Explain?” She shook her head. “I can read, Cameron. I have eyes.”

  “I don’t know how this happened, Pey. I don’t know who did this or why, but I will find out. I will make this right.” He grabbed her arms, pull
ing her toward him.

  “Make it right?” There was no coming back from this. She shrugged out of his arms.

  “What are you looking at?” Cameron barked at the gawking students, sending them rushing off down the hall.

  “You could have done something about it,” Peyton whispered. He could have put them both out of their misery. A year and a half they didn’t speak. A year and a half of heartache. For nothing.

  “I swear, I couldn’t. I don’t know who did this to us.”

  “To us?” She took a step back. “You did this to us.” She turned to walk away but stopped when her phone dinged. Pulling it free of her pocket, she glanced down.

  The tears she’d held back so carefully before spilled over her cheeks as she stood frozen with a picture of Cam and Meghan on her screen. They were in his bedroom at the edge of the bed. Meghan looked pleased with herself, but Cam, he looked as if someone had been running their hands through his hair as Peyton had wanted to do so many times.

  Twisting back to face him, she shoved her phone at his chest. “Guess we don’t have to wonder who did this.”

  His eyes widened as he took in the evidence that he was just like every other stupid boy at that school. “Peyton, listen to me. This isn’t-“

  “Anything. It isn’t anything, right?” She snatched her phone back and took a step to widen the distance between then. “Just like us. When you didn’t speak to me for a year and a half, I should have known. But like the idiotic girl I am, I still hoped one day you’d see me as someone other than an outcast at this school. Sure, I was good enough for secret kisses in hidden treehouses, but what then? I always knew you’d hurt me, Cam. I just cared about you too freaking much to care. It’s time I grow up, yeah?”

  She wiped her face, ignoring the stares of her classmates. They didn’t matter when her heart was breaking into a million tiny pieces. She dropped her voice. “All you had to do was respond one time. Just once.” She shook her head and turned without another word.