Cam didn’t even try to run after her. He let her go. Now she would do the same.
“Want me to kick his ass?” Julian lay sprawled across Peyton’s bed, sorting through a pile of pink papers.
Peyton slammed her bedroom door behind her. “What are you doing here? She tossed her backpack and a stack of folders onto her bed, wishing he would just disappear.
“I’m worried about you, kid. This is some heavy shit you’re dealing with.”
“It’s private.” She yanked the pile of Cam’s emails out of his hands. “Does no one have any respect for the private pain of two people who’ve been through hell?”
“Just two, huh?” Julian picked at the loose threads of her comforter.
“That’s not what I meant, Julian. This pain…” She lifted the stack of emails. “This isn’t about losing Cooper.”
“I know. You two have been through a lot, and you deserve to be happy. But in the end, it all circles back to Coop and his selfish behavior that night. Deep down I loved my brother, but he made it hard. And he ruined a lot of lives when he decided to go to that party.”
“What happened to set you two off that night?” Peyton sank down beside him on the edge of her bed. “Please, just for once, give me the truth.”
“I don’t have all the answers you want, Peyton. All I can tell you is he deserved to get punched, but he didn’t deserve to die. He’d had way too much to drink, and he was so angry. I don’t know if you ever realized how unhinged he could get when his anger was out of control.”
“That’s when he was cruel. He’d hide his anger behind snide remarks and backhanded sarcasm.”
“Yeah, and that night he was more angry than I’d ever seen him.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, Peyton.” He sat up, absently shifting her things to the floor. “When he got behind the wheel, I had this moment—call it a twin thing—but I knew he was going to get hurt. So, I took Cam’s keys from you and followed. I was trying to stop him.”
“He wouldn’t have let you.” Peyton sat beside her brother, really feeling his pain for the first time. For months, she was so caught up in her own problems she didn’t have room for his. As much as she was hurt by their absence, Peyton was finally seeing how much they’d all needed their own space to deal with their losses.
“When the car went over the bridge, I didn’t hesitate, Peyton. I dove right in, but I couldn’t get him out of the damned seatbelt. When the current pulled the car toward the falls, I thought he’d survive it and I could get help, so I went back to shore, and the ambulances were already coming. Avery was good for that much, I guess. I watched them pull his body from the wreckage, Peyton. After seeing my brother…dead, knowing we’d never have the chance to grow out of our differences and be real friends, I had to go. I’m just so sorry I left you behind, sis.” His voice was raw with emotion, and his eyes clouded with the pain of his loss.
“I know.” Peyton moved to drape her arm around his shoulder. “I know you only did what was best for you. We all had to do that in our own ways.”
“I missed you.” He nudged her shoulder.
“I missed you too.”
“Seriously, do I need to kick his ass for saying all this to you?” He rolled up the stack of emails like a weapon he would use to beat some sense into Cameron Tucker’s head. “What is this anyway?”
“While Cam was away, I wrote him every day for a year. I never got a single response until some asshole got their hands on Cam’s email and printed them – an asshole named Meghan.”
“His responses?”
Peyton’s mouth turned down in a frown. “Every single one he never sent.” She took the emails from him and tossed them in the trash.
“So, you’re mad he didn’t have the balls to actually say these awful things to you?”
“I’m mad he didn’t have the balls to communicate with me. He just kept all this bottled up inside and left us both hurting and alone when a simple conversation would have started our healing a long time ago.”
“He wasn’t ready, Peyton. He needed an outlet to say all this shit. To get it out. You were that outlet, Peyton. His safe place. That means a lot more than some senseless ranting he never let you see. This stuff is about him and the loss he suffered. And your incessant daily reminders probably drove the poor guy bonkers.” His smile was the first real one she’d seen on his face in so long, she’d almost forgot what it looked like.
“Let’s go get some food. I’m starving.” Julian stood up with a stretch. “Mom and Dad are at The Main tonight, so we’re on our own for dinner.”
“Let me change real quick, and we’ll go.” Peyton stepped into her bathroom to change into jeans and a fresh t-shirt—her standard after school wardrobe. She was excited to spend some time with her brother like old times. She would always miss Cooper, but at least she still had Julian. Julian might be right about the emails, but why had Meghan been at Cam’s house? Why had she been in his room? Peyton didn’t have a right to be jealous. They weren’t together like that. But she’d thought Cam was better than falling for the girl who’d made her life a living hell.
Besides, wasn’t Meghan dating Avery? Peyton wasn’t too fond of her old friend anymore, but that didn’t mean he deserved for his girlfriend to cheat on him.
She shook herself. It wasn’t her problem. She needed to forget about Cam.
“Ready to go?” Peyton grabbed her clutch purse.
“My little sister is the mastermind behind the No BS craze?” Julian crouched in the middle of her room with the entire contents of her upcoming presentation scattered across her floor.
“Stop going through my shit, Julian.” She thumped him over the head with her clutch.
“I’m speechless,” he said, flipping through Katie’s research for monetizing No BS. “Impressed. Who knew my baby sister was a genius?”
“Not sure how to take that, Julian.” She tapped her foot.
“I’m damn proud of you, sis.” He stood, still clutching Katie’s research. “I could help you with this marketing part. You’re not thinking about selling this are you?”
“No way.” Peyton snatched the folder from him. “I wouldn’t want some investor or corporation messing it up.”
“Or robbing you of the serious cash flow potential. Come on, let’s go get dinner and talk marketing goals. This research is a great start, but we need a long-term plan too.”
“We?” She grinned, following him into the hall. “Who said anything about we?
“Hell yeah. I’m your first employee, sis. And I’m cheap too. I work for pizza.”
“I can’t—”
“Don’t say it, kid. You’ll break my heart. In this family, we like pizza, and we like cupcakes, and we don’t count calories because we’re all hot. Get a salad if you must, but you’re having one slice.”
“All right, I can do that.”
“Seriously, Peyton, you’re beautiful at any size so please stop it with the vegan, gluten-free, no-calorie, no-taste phase?”
“But Mom makes it taste good.”
“Mom does, you don’t. Those pancakes you make are terrible.”
“It’s a mix. And they’re not that bad.”
“Yeah, they are, I’d rather eat the box they came in. More fiber.”
“Oh my God, you’re ridiculous.” She laughed as they headed out to his car. Things might be off the rails with Cam, but she was thrilled to finally reconnect with her brother.
20
Cameron
~ Cam,
You’re a good guy, Cam.
I believe it even when you don’t.
Peyton ~
Cam’s own words flooded his mind. Every time he thought he was moving on, getting past the emotions that trapped him in his year away, he ended up right back where he started—feeling sorry for himself. This time, though, it had nothing to do with the leg. That was something, at least.
No, this was just about him. Who he was. He knew how his wo
rds sounded to Peyton. It was one of the reasons he hadn’t sent them. He’d needed to vent, to pretend like he’d said all the things he was feeling. Because that was the problem, wasn’t it? He had felt them. He’d wanted nothing more to do with Peyton. He’d prayed she’d just leave him alone, forget he existed.
The first day no email arrived from her, three hundred sixty-six days after leaving Twin Rivers, he’d thought he’d have been relieved, happy even. It didn’t work like that. He’d only felt empty, like he’d lost the one thing grounding him—Peyton’s words. As long as she continued emailing him, she’d still cared.
He hadn’t known how much he needed to know someone was there until he lost her.
He didn’t know why he’d kept them. Maybe a reminder of the guy he wouldn’t let himself become again. Maybe just out of some masochistic need to remember the pain, both physical and mental.
He lifted his eyes to the empty track. He’d been standing there since class ended, letting the guilt brew inside him.
What did he expect to find on a track where he no longer belonged? Where did he belong anymore?
With her.
He’d blown that. She hadn’t even given him a chance to explain the picture of Meghan in his room, but he wasn’t sure he even deserved a chance. He wanted nothing to do with Meghan, but he knew that wasn’t what Peyton was really mad about. He’d hurt her. His words cut her deeply.
He set his hand on the wooden box sitting on the bleachers beside him. He’d retrieved it from his car. An October wind sent a chill through him and he glanced up at the ominous clouds overhead. Fitting, he thought.
He opened Peyton’s box, needing to feel like some part of her didn’t hate him—the part that had written these notes.
I don’t feel that way about you. I never did.
He’d lied. When he’d kissed her for the first time, it hadn’t been a mistake. That memory haunted him alongside the accident that occurred only an hour after. How could the worst moment of his life follow so quickly after the best?
There were only a few notes left in the box. He’d been opening them frequently, using them to find the boy he’d once been.
He held the final three notes in his hand for a moment of hesitation before opening them. Once he read the words, there would be no more notes to comfort him or make him smile when he so desperately needed it.
But he didn’t need the notes. Not when he had Peyton herself. She had to forgive him. They were best friends. She was the only person in his life who pushed him, who made him think everything was going to be okay. He reached down to scratch his leg where it met the prosthetic.
Now or never.
His eyes settled on the first note.
You’re a good guy, Cam. I believe it even when you don’t.
He released a breath. Good guys didn’t say such hurtful things to people like Peyton. He was about to read the next note when footsteps sounded against the concrete. He lifted his eyes to Nari’s tiny frame.
She pushed jet-black hair out of her eyes and pinned him with her self-proclaimed “Korean Kill Factor.” The look she said could make people fear her. In truth, she was just about the least frightening person he’d ever known. Large framed glasses constantly slipped off her narrow nose, hiding wide, innocent eyes. Besides, she was too nice for her kill look to work.
But she also didn’t know when to mind her own business.
“Nari.” Cam sighed. “I’m not really in the mood for one of your pep talks.”
She climbed over the bleachers until she reached his side and plunked herself down with a huff. “Then it’s a good thing I’m not here for that.” She snatched the note from his hand before he could protest. “Still reading these? I thought you’d have torn through them already.”
He only shrugged in response as her eyes settled on the words.
Nari bumped his shoulder. “She’s not wrong, you know. You are a good guy.”
“I thought you weren’t here for a pep talk.”
She set the note back in his hand and tried to twist her face into a mask of serious condemnation. It looked so odd on her Cam laughed.
“Hey,” she protested. “I’m trying to be mad at you here.”
“Oh, well, in that case, carry on.” He suppressed his smile. He didn’t deserve to laugh when he knew how Peyton must be feeling. In that moment, he wished Nari had it in her to be truly mad. He wanted someone to yell at him, and that wasn’t in her.
“You’re kind of an ass, Cam.”
He reeled back in surprise, trying not to laugh again at how funny that phrase sounded coming from her mouth.
She huffed in exasperation. “Fine. You’re a butt. Is that more Nari-like? Ugh, you’d think I spit rainbows and ride unicorns for how you guys see me. Stop being a jerk, Cameron Tucker.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t mean to me, numb nuts. You really are impossible, aren’t you? When they chopped off your leg, did they mess up and get your brain as well?”
He flinched.
A smile broke out across Nari’s face. “Too soon to joke about it?”
He shook his head. “I guess not. It’s not the worst thing happening to me right now.”
“Nothing is happening to you. You did this. I’m not going to say you didn’t. I know you didn’t plan for Peyton to ever see what you wrote, but the fact stands. You wrote really mean words whether you sent them or not. And then you kept them? Ever heard of the delete button? Lordy, I’m surrounded by idiot men in my life.”
“Plural?”
She sighed. “Avery was suspended from the team for a week for that fight the two of you thought was such a grand idea.”
That surprised Cam. Avery was the star of the football team. “How do you know that?” He hadn’t heard it around school, but his drama with Peyton was still all anyone was talking about.
“His mom told mine.” She leaned forward against her knees. Nari had the misfortune of living next door to Avery. When their group of friends was still speaking, it worked because they could all hang out in their connected backyard. But now? Cam hadn’t been over there, but he imagined it was tense.
“Stop distracting me.” Nari turned to face him. “It’s been five days since you last spoke to Peyton.”
“How do you know that?”
Her only answer was a stare with one eyebrow raised. Right, it was Nari. She seemed to know everything.
He scratched his jaw. “What am I supposed to say to her?”
“Anything. Everything. Stop being so clueless. You’re better than that. I know the whole Meghan thing isn’t what it seems, and if Peyton really thinks about it, she does too. But that’s not the only thing you have to answer for.” She tapped the side of his head. “Use this brain of yours. Once upon a time, you knew exactly what Peyton needed. Always. That can’t be gone.”
He met her gaze. “Can I ask you a question?”
She nodded.
“Why do you care so much? Since the accident, we’ve all barely spoken. Even you and Pey aren’t as close as you were.”
She hugged her arms across her knees and looked away. Her hair fell to hide her face, but her words were clear. “I want us back, Cam. All of us. The past year and a half…” She sighed. “It’s been hard. So damn hard knowing we don’t have each other. But not only you and Pey. Avery. Julian. Heck, even Addison. It never used to matter who we were, the labels. No one cared that we came from different social circles. And now…that seems to be all that matters.”
He was quiet for a moment, letting her words sink in. “Our differences make us who we are.”
She nodded, her voice lowering. “But they didn’t use to.”
“I want her, Nari, more than I’ve ever wanted anything. Not just as a friend. She’s everything.”
She smiled. “I have watched you love her for a long time, probably before you even knew what love was. But, Cam, you can’t just tell her. Peyton has always struggled to believe she was good enough. It’s crap,
because she’s better than those losers who make fun of her. You have to make her believe in you enough to believe in herself.”
Nari was right. Cam couldn’t just tell Peyton how he felt. Not after the damage he’d done. She was once again the talk of the school.
He needed help.
Sending a text to a number he hadn’t used since the accident, he waited. It was Saturday, and he’d spent the entire night before trying to figure out how to show Peyton he was serious, that he hadn’t meant the things he’d written.
The only thing he’d figured out while lying in his bed was how the emails had gotten out. Meghan. She’d wanted to get to Peyton, and she’d succeeded.
Cam didn’t have the energy to try to expose her. It wasn’t worth it when Peyton was hurting. She was all that mattered.
He’d printed out every unsent email, the ones that had been shown at school and the ones that hadn’t. He didn’t know when he’d decided to show them all to Peyton, but he couldn’t keep them from her any longer. He just needed a plan as to how.
The response to his text came a few minutes later.
Meet me at the diner.
The diner? He wasn’t ready to see Peyton yet, but he found himself in his car a few minutes later and heading that way, anyway.
He slung his backpack over his shoulder and stepped out of his car. Mrs. Callahan was at the counter when he entered. She offered him a warm smile. “Cameron.” She stepped around the counter to wrap him in a hug. He’d once thought she loved him more than his own mother, but his mother was trying, so he made himself stop thinking like that.
“Hi, Mrs. C.” He stepped back, his eyes scanning the diner.
Mrs. Callahan’s eyes softened. “She’s not here today.”
He could lie and say that wasn’t who he’d been searching for, but she knew him better than that. He may not have come to see Peyton, but he still found himself hoping she was there. “I thought she worked Saturdays.” At least she used to.
The F Word (Redefining Me #1) Page 14
