The F Word (Redefining Me #1)

by Michelle MacQueen

  “You…” She shook her head, dazed. “And you want me to read them?”

  “I was going through a lot, Pey. But it all led me here. You deserve to see. I want you to know all of me.”

  Peyton closed the folder. Before he could stop her, she tossed it into the flames. The paper folder caught fire, curling in at the edges.

  Cam wanted to lunge for it. This was his big gesture. His moment to show her how far he’d come. He didn’t realize he’d still been staring into the flames until Peyton slid her hands into his.

  “I do know all of you, Cam.”

  He turned to her. “You—”

  “Nothing in those emails will tell me anything new.”

  He pulled her against him. “God, I love you.”

  She smiled and lifted her face to his. “Good.”

  “Good?”

  “Did you make it through all the notes from my box?”

  His brow creased. “How did you know—” He shook his head. “Nari.”

  “You didn’t answer my question.”

  He flashed her a sheepish smile, suddenly embarrassed she knew he’d been reading her words so often. He couldn’t count how many notes he’d already made it through, but he knew how many were left. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out one final slip of paper. He’d been carrying it around, hesitant about reading it. It wasn’t that he was nervous, but he knew as soon as the words sank into his mind… “I didn’t want them to be over. Pey, you wrote these notes almost two years ago when things were different, yet they’ve felt like everything I’ve needed to hear recently, like you were showing me who I was, who I thought I’d lost.”

  Her answering smile warmed him from the inside out. She slid the paper from his hand and unfolded it. He’d imagined her voice each time he read one of her notes, but here, now, she was finally in front of him.

  “You’re not perfect.” She stifled a laugh.

  “Gee, thanks.”

  “Hush, you.” She pressed a hand across his mouth so she could keep reading. “But us, we are perfect. I may be outing myself here and setting myself up for a world of pain, but some day, I hope you see it to.”

  Cam stuck his tongue out, licking her hand that still covered his mouth. She ripped it back with a shriek. “Ew, Cam!”

  He caught her around the waist before she could widen the space between them. “No world of pain. I promise.”

  Red tinged her cheeks. “The girl who wrote those notes knew she’d never be good enough for you. She didn’t think she was pretty enough, worthy enough. But she also never thought you’d actually read all the notes.”

  “Pey.” He put his fingers under her chin and tilted her head back. “You’re the most beautiful damn thing I’ve ever seen.” Cam wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “I do have a confession to make.”

  “I’m listening. Cam confessions are my favorite.”

  He chuckled. “Well, you see, you were wrong.”

  “When?” A defensive tone entered her voice as if she could never be wrong about something. It only made him laugh more.

  “Your first note to me. It said ‘Above all, you love to run.’”

  “And?” She chewed on her lower lip.

  “I enjoyed running, but I always loved you more. Even when I was a kid and my feelings were solely about friendship, it was you, not running, that pushed me toward my goals. Running is only a sport, a competition. Maybe all this time, I was only running to get to you.”

  She released her lip. “Man, you’re cheesy.”

  He raised a brow. “The only question is, does cheesy work for you?”

  “Hell yes.” She rose up on her toes, claiming his lips with hers.

  He pulled her body flush against his. For a blissful moment, everything else disappeared. There were no old friends struggling to find each other again. There was no robot leg, no crushing pain of loss. Theirs was a world inhabited by two people who’d rid themselves of every ounce of self-doubt.

  It didn’t matter what anyone thought of them. Not anymore.

  A few whistles broke them apart, and the real world crashed down on Cam. Pain shot up Cam’s leg, telling him he needed to sit down, but he couldn’t. Not yet. Not when Peyton felt so right in his arms.

  Julian and his dad catcalled toward them. Nari whistled again. Cam’s parents wore matching pleased expressions.

  Mrs. Callahan walked toward them. “About time.” She smiled and wrapped an arm around each of them, breaking them apart and leading them away from the fire. “Now, let’s talk about some ground rules. We all love you, Cameron, but I’m far too young to be a grandma.”

  “Mom!” Peyton screeched.

  Cam laughed before covering it up with a cough, his face turning serious. “Of course. I know what protection is for.”

  “Cameron!” Peyton covered her eyes and shrugged away from her mom. “I hate you both.”

  “No, you don’t,” Cam called as Peyton rushed away, taking refuge with Nari. “You love me. No take backs!”

  She shot him a smile over her shoulder, a true, honest to God smile. The kind he used to wish she reserved only for him. But bottling up her joy would be like clipping a bird’s wings, holding it back when it was meant to fly.

  And more than anything, he wanted to help her soar.

  Epilogue

  Cameron

  ~ Cam,

  Some day, I hope you see it too.

  Peyton ~

  Cam couldn’t continue to dwell on the accident. Almost two years had passed, and it was time to move on. They wouldn’t move on from Cooper—he’d forever be a part of them—but living in the past only brought pain. He’d once thought his future had been taken from him with his leg, that he’d never be the same. He hadn’t known then that his injury changed nothing. He was still the same boy he’d always been with big dreams.

  The dreams had changed. He would no longer run—at least competitively. He’d probably never be able to give it up entirely, no matter how uncomfortable it was.

  Peyton sat on the front stoop of her house when he pulled up. A soft white fleece was wrapped around her shoulders to protect her from the autumn wind. She’d pulled her long hair back away from her face, giving him a clear view of peachy skin and wide eyes.

  His heart stuttered as he shut off the engine.

  She got to her feet and skipped across the expansive lawn, throwing her arms around him. “Cam,” she breathed. “I missed you.”

  He chuckled, the sound muffled in her shoulder. “It’s only been a few hours.”

  They’d stayed up late the night before, making up for lost time. He wanted to kiss her for hours, so he had, never tiring of her lips or the breathy sounds she made.

  They’d moved past any weirdness they felt about kissing after being friends for so long and had spent the past week wrapped around each other. At school, most of their peers had gone back to ignoring both of them. It was strange to return to normal life after something so monumental happened.

  No one else cared that two teenagers had professed their love for one another. They were just another couple, faceless nobodies in a sea of people trying to get through high school.

  If they’d had any illusions about their old group of friends reuniting, they were broken as soon as school began that next Monday. Nari sat with Cam and Peyton at lunch, but Avery and Addison acted as if nothing had changed. Occasionally, Cam would catch one of them watching him and Peyton across the lunch room. He’d give a small wave and then return to the friends who were in front of him.

  Julian was another matter. Cam rarely saw him grace the halls of Twin Rivers High. He’d gotten rid of the surly attitude, though. At least around Cam.

  Cam opened the car door for Peyton. As she slid in, another car pulled up behind him. Nari got out and froze as she realized he was there.

  “Cam.” Her eyes widened.

  He flashed her a smile. “Hey! You here to see Pey? We’re heading to the river.”

  She flicked her e
yes to the front door where Julian had appeared. “Um, no. I can’t. Sorry.”

  Cam shrugged. “Okay. Catch you later.”

  “Later.”

  Cam climbed into his BMW and pulled onto the street. As they drove away, he saw Nari in the rearview mirror pulling a bag from her car. He didn’t know what was going on, but she’d tell them, eventually.

  Peyton twisted in her seat, watching Nari and Julian until the car rounded the corner.

  “I’m sure everything is fine.” Cam reached across the center console and took her hand.

  She relaxed in her seat.

  They parked near the one place Cam had yet to go. He’d visited the falls many times and driven over the bridge, but he hadn’t stopped at the place where it happened, where the car spun across the bridge on ice before plunging into the water.

  Peyton hadn’t asked any questions when Cam asked her to come with him. She hadn’t said anything about it at all, and he’d been grateful.

  “Can I…” He cleared his throat. “Can I have a minute?”

  “Of course.” She leaned toward him, her lips grazing his cheek. “Take all the time you need.”

  He brushed the bangs from her forehead and stared at her for a long moment, letting her give him the courage. Sucking in a deep breath, he got out of the car.

  A few cars drove across the bridge in either direction. It wasn’t usually a busy road, but it was the only way to get to the other side of town.

  Two years ago, there’d been only a small metal rail dividing the bridge from the drop off into the water. Now, a wall of concrete had been erected on each side. Signs telling drivers to be careful stood where none had before.

  Would it have helped? Probably not.

  A narrow sidewalk sat between the road and the concrete wall going across the bridge. Cam took the path until he reached the midway point. He could still hear it. Crunching metal. Squealing tires. The unstable car hadn’t plunged off the edge right away. It had hung suspended, rocking back and forth before tipping over.

  It wasn’t a far drop to the water, but it had been enough.

  A car whipped by, and Cam felt the wind on his face before peace set in. He’d never felt at peace about the accident. It had taken him a long time to stand there without the crushing weight of guilt and sadness clouding his mind.

  “Hey, Coop.” He smiled, wondering how it all worked. Was Cooper still around? Did he watch them, listening when his name came up?

  Or was he just…gone?

  “I still don’t know everything that happened that night.” He ran a hand over the rough surface of the wall. “I had to come. To stand in the place where everything changed.” He breathed out slowly. “Julian is keeping something about that party from us, but I think it’s okay. I think maybe I don’t want to know. You’re gone, buddy, but I’m still here. It’s taken me too long to see that. I’m sorry I’ve taken it for granted.”

  He glanced toward the end of the bridge where Peyton leaned against his car watching him.

  A smile curved his lips. “You’d kick my ass for the thoughts I have about your sister.” He chuckled. “I know you loved her. You loved Julian too in your own way.” He gestured for Peyton to join him.

  “I’m going to prove to her just how beautiful she is every day for the rest of my life. Inside and out. That’s my promise to you, Coop.”

  Peyton joined him, sliding her arms around his waist.

  He sighed in contentment. “We’re going to miss you forever, man.”

  Peyton rested her chin on his shoulder, her eyes glassy. “I love you, brother.”

  Cam kissed the top of her head. “I’m sorry for everything that had to happen to bring us here.” Those words were for Peyton, not Coop.

  She lifted her tear-stained face to peer up at him. “Don’t you dare start with the guilt, Cameron Tucker. None of this happened because of that damned accident. Remember that night?”

  How could he forget?

  “We were going to do this whether tragedy hit us or not. If anything, the accident made it take us longer.”

  He held her tighter. “I wasn’t feeling guilty.”

  Her lips pursed as if she didn’t believe him.

  “Scouts honor.”

  “You were never a scout.”

  He grinned. “Fine, but I’m telling the truth. No guilt. I’m…happy.”

  “You say that like it’s the most incredulous word that’s ever left your lips.”

  He shrugged and looked to the sky once more. “Close your eyes, Coop.”

  Peyton yelped in surprise as Cam dipped her back, plastering his lips to hers. She laughed when he finally pulled her up.

  “You think Coop would have approved of that?” Cam pulled Peyton’s ponytail, and she swatted his hand away.

  “Oh, totally.” Her lips stretched into a smile. “He loved us both. We can miss him, but he wouldn’t want us to let that control our lives.”

  Cam pulled Peyton back toward the car. “Come on. It’s Saturday. Let’s make a deal. The past can’t haunt us anymore. Who knows what the future holds? But, right now, Peyton Callahan, well, right now, I just want to enjoy the moment with the girl who makes every moment worth it.”

  She suppressed her grin, muttering under her breath. “Cheesy.”

  They reached the car, and he spun her around, pressing her against the passenger door. “Good, I think you like me cheesy.”

  She ran a finger over his bottom lip. “Cameron, I like you any way I can have you.”

  He pressed a quick kiss to her lips before pulling her aside and opening the door. “Vamonos. We have so much to do together.”

  She got into the car and shut the door. Cam ran to the other side and slid in.

  “I know you, Cam. How many of these things involve our lips?” Peyton crossed her arms in mock admonishment.

  Cam shot her a wink before starting the engine and pulling away. He watched the bridge disappear in the rearview mirror. “Bye, Coop.”

  They’d never escape from the memories in Twin Rivers, but as time went on, they didn’t have to hurt so much. Cam once thought leaving town, leaving the place where everything changed, would help him move on. But that was the thing with fear and pain. It magnified the more you try to hide from it.

  The only true way to rid yourself of the past is to face it head-on, to stare it down until it no longer stared back at you.

  A smile slid across Cam’s face. He’d finally fought the battle.

  And he’d won.

  He’d won everything.

  <><><><>

  Want more from Twin Rivers? The N Word tells Nari’s story and is available here!

  Want a free book? Download The K Word: Cameron here!

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  The K Word: Cameron

  Can one simple kiss change everything?

  Cameron Tucker has only ever had one person he could count on: his best friend Peyton. She’s been everything to him. Friend. Family. Confident. He needs her more than he needs his dream of becoming an Olympic runner or his desire to make his demanding father proud.

  A Christmas Eve party could ruin everything when a cruel joke crushes Peyton. And the only way to make Peyton see just how beautiful she is might be to reveal the feelings Cam has tried so hard to hide.

  Note on the “F” Word

  By Ann Maree Craven

  Peyton is a very special character to me. She is me—or the me I wished I could have been when I was her age. So many of Peyton’s experiences with bullying come straight from my own life as a teen with a weight problem. The “F” word has haunted me my whole life, but as an adult, I’ve learned to be happy with who I am. When writing Peyton’s character, we both knew we wanted her to be a fighter. She tries so hard to stay positive and love herself as she is, but the world refuses to let her. So she fights back and through her journey to acceptance, she fi
nds the fighter within. (I secretly want to be her when I grow up!)

  As a teen, I suffered under so many labels that never made sense to me, but I could never seem to shake them. The fat girl, the weird girl, the shy girl and the nerdy girl—I’ve been them all. Today, I refuse to let those labels hinder me. I know I'm the girl who never does anything like everyone else—and I’m cool with that. I know I have never been, nor will I ever be, “the shy girl” everyone always insisted I was. Introvert does not mean shy. It just means I don’t do small talk. I’m not great with social situations, and I’m super awkward sometimes with strangers. But “shy” means something totally different. I still struggle with my weight, but I see it more as a battle for my health than a battle for acceptance from others. I decided a long time ago that the people who judge others for the way they look don’t belong in my tribe anyway.

  It’s taken me a lifetime to realize these harmful labels don’t mean anything. If Peyton and Cameron’s story helps even one reader learn that oh-so-important lesson, then my job is done. Be strong and confident with who you are and never let a label someone else gives you weigh you down.

  Note on the “D” Word

  By Michelle MacQueen

  I’m going to preface this by saying I’ve never lost a leg. I have ever limb in tact, but that wasn’t the point of Cam’s story. The title of this book - The F Word - only addresses Peyton’s label, but each character in this series represents a different label. Cam is the ‘D’ word. Disabled.

  Now, this, I do relate to. Some people see disability as a dirty word, but I own it. I’ve had episodic ataxia since I was eight years old. It’s pretty debilitating most of the time.

  But I’m not the only one. People everywhere are struggling with illnesses or injuries. Some are visible. Others are not. And that’s why we wrote Cam as we did.