The Complete If I Break Series
Page 23
I think back to before I was married and before I dated Michael. There was Steven. With his sandy-blond hair and soft blue eyes that are only second to his comical personality, he always knows what to say to make me smile. Even after we mutually broke up, we remained good friends, which is something I can’t say about Michael and me.
“He’s my friend,” I tell her quickly.
“Is he still with that nice girl I met at your baby shower?”
“No. They broke up a few months ago.”
“Well, how convenient,” she says airily.
I feel my stomach knot. “Okay. Out with it. What are you asking me?”
“Do you have feelings for him?” she asks casually as she sets Caylen on the floor and hands her a teddy bear to play with.
“What if I do? What if I do have feelings for him?” I ask, annoyed.
Raven continues to focus on Caylen. “Well, if you haven’t forgotten, you’re still married.”
“No, I’m not married actually,” I say sharply.
Her head turns quickly toward me. “You aren’t?” she asks, shocked.
“Marriage to me is more than a piece of paper with two names on it.”
“So you’re going to start a relationship with him again?”
“Look, I didn’t say anything about a relationship,” I yell, and Caylen starts to cry. Raven hands her to me, and I rock her in my arms.
“Lauren, I think it’s time you stop pretending Cal doesn’t exist.”
My mouth completely drops open. That’s my Raven, the only person who doesn’t shrink away from mentioning him around me, but she’s never been this blunt about it.
“Pretend? God, I wish! You think I can just block him out? Well, let me tell you. You don’t know how hard it is for me here. Being in this house where everywhere I look, I remember something I’d rather forget. Every time I close my eyes, he’s there. Sometimes I swear I can feel his arms around me.” I can feel tears building in my eyes, and thankfully, Caylen’s finally settled back down. I lay her down in the crib and watch her fall asleep. I run my hands through Caylen’s full head of dark curly locks. “Every time I look at his daughter, I see his eyes, his smile. When I look at her, sometimes all I see is him.”
A single tear rolls down my cheek, and Raven’s arms encircle me. “I’m sorry, honey. I shouldn’t have even suggested what I did. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“It’s okay,” I say quickly, wiping my cheek. “This is the first time I’ve allowed myself to cry over him in a while,” I say, almost to myself. One tear isn’t that bad compared to…
“This thing with Steven?” Raven asks, her expression a lot softer than before.
“I don’t know,” I say honestly, folding my arms. “He’s just been so sweet and kind.”
“And here,” Raven adds.
“Yes. That’s the thing…” I walk over to the bedroom door and close it. “I don’t know if my feelings are genuine, or if loneliness is starting to take its toll.” I pick up one of Caylen’s many teddy bears and fiddle with its arms.
“That’s understandable,” Raven says stoically. I can see that I’m making her uncomfortable.
“I don’t want to hurt him, Raven. I just don’t know what to do.”
“Tell him how you feel. Exactly where you stand—if you feel it’s time and this could be something you really want to explore. You need to look into divorcing Cal. He abandoned your marriage…”
I cringe at the word. “I don’t want to talk about that right now.”
There’s a light knock at the door, saving me from where this conversation is going.
“Come in,” I say as loud as I can without waking Caylen.
Angela tiptoes in. “Hey, Ms. Brooks,” she whispers, giving Raven a big hug.
It makes me happy to see how close they’ve become through their relationship with me. The past two years would have been horrific without them.
“How are you, sweetheart?” Raven whispers, eyeing the baby, who’s turning over in her sleep.
“I’m good. I have to be going; I have to work ridiculously early tomorrow.” She laughs.
“Did you get some cake?” I ask.
“Yeah, Steven fixed me a plate. I just wanted to let you know I was leaving, girly,” she says before giving me a hug. She kisses Caylen on the forehead. “See you, princess.”
“Thanks for coming, Angie. I know you’ll have a long day tomorrow.”
“Like I’d have missed this,” she says, zipping up her jacket. “Oh, Hillary’s knocked out on your couch. I was supposed to give her a ride home, but you know how cranky she is if you wake her.” Angela laughs.
“She’ll be fine. Steven can take her home, or she can sleep here tonight and I’ll take her in the morning,” I assure her.
“Come walk me out,” Angela gestures. She waves to Raven as we leave the room. “Bye, Ms. Brooks.”
“Drive safely, hon.”
Angela and I get to the front door, and she stops before opening it. “You okay?”
“Just tired.” I smile, letting a yawn escape. “I didn’t think having a party for a one-year-old would be so tiring.” I laugh.
“We spent more time setting up the party than having it.” She laughs as she opens the door. “I know my way out. You get some rest—you look tired,” she says with a frown.
“Gee, thanks.” I laugh lightly.
She smiles softly. “You know what I mean.”
“I do.” I sigh, looking her in the eye.
Angela and I have probably grown closer than all of my other friends since she stuck with me during one of the worst times of my life. She doesn’t have to guess why or how I’m feeling most of the time. She knows.
“Hey, don’t forget your cake!” Steven comes out of the kitchen with a plate wrapped in aluminum foil.
“Thank you. And it looks like you’re taking Hillary home.” Angela hits him playfully on the chest.
“When was that decided?” Steven raises his eyebrows in mock surprise.
“Well, you’re the last one here, so you win.” Angela laughs, taking her plate from him.
“Want me to walk you out?” Steven asks her.
“I’m a big girl; I can make it on my own.”
“Text me when you get in your car safely,” Steven tells her. His big brother instinct is kicking in, and I can’t help but smile.
“I will, Dad,” she teases. “Bye, kiddies.” She shuts the door behind her.
I lock it. “Now the fun of cleaning begins! Yay!”
“So much fun, I’ll do it myself,” Steven says with fake enthusiasm.
“No, I can’t let you do that.” I start picking up Caylen’s toys, which are scattered around the floor.
He laughs and takes toys out of my hands. “Oh, come on, cleaning is all kinds of fun to me.”
“You sure?” He’s been doing so much for me lately.
“Absolutely. You go lie down. I’m sure Caylen has tired you out.”
I look at his soft smile and feel myself blush. “Steven…” I fiddle with my fingertips. “Raven’s spending the night, so that basically guarantees me a babysitter tomorrow. I haven’t been out in a while, and I was wondering if you’d—if you’d want to have lunch with me?” I feel as if I’m fourteen again.
His expression softens then blooms into a coy smile. “I’d love to.”
I giggle.
“Why do I feel like I’m in high school all of a sudden?” he teases.
I laugh. “Want to meet at eleven?”
“Sure.”
“Good. Okay, so, in case I’m asleep when you leave, good night.” The next thing I do surprises even me. I kiss him on the cheek.
He looks surprised by it, then his gaze moves behind me and his eyes widen. I turn around to see Raven behind me. Dammit.
“I just came to help clean up,” she says, sounding surprised.
“Party time,” he teases.
Raven smiles, and I just grin at her. Sh
e’s actually being nice to him.
“Well, I’ll let you two crazy kids get started.” I laugh, heading up the stairs.
She waves, and they start moving things around. I feel happy. I’m glad Raven’s giving him more of a chance.
When I reach the second floor of the loft, I peep into Caylen’s room to make sure she’s still sleeping before I head to mine. When I reach my room, I close the door and walk over to my mirror. I sigh at my appearance. When you have kids, your style sure as hell changes. Glamorous clothes for me now are a clean T-shirt and jeans, and I’ve traded my flat iron for air-drying, something I never used to do.
I grab the baby monitor off my dresser and take it to bed with me. As soon as I lie down, I realize I’m lying on top of Caylen’s Speak and Spell. After moving it to the other side of the bed, I laugh at how much things have changed in two years. I yawn and feel myself drifting to sleep.
“Hon, I forgot my contact solution. I’m going to run to the drug store and grab a bottle,” Raven says, standing in my doorway. “Make sure you lock up.”
“Okay, I will,” I say with a yawn. Just a few more minutes of rest…
I wake up to Caylen’s crying. I must have drifted off. Raven must not be back yet, because she’d never let the baby wake me up. I get out of bed and head toward Caylen’s room, but when I attempt to open my door, I can’t. A wave of panic washes over me, and I frantically twist and pull the knob, but it doesn’t budge. I can’t get out! I can’t get to my baby! I snatch my phone up to call Raven.
“Shh, no crying, sweetheart. Daddy doesn’t cry, and you’re just like Daddy.”
The voice through the monitor sends chills through my body. I hear the crying stop.
“I have something for you,” it says again.
My heart is racing, but I can’t move. I manage to put the monitor closer to my ear.
“I’ve missed you. No one could keep me from seeing you today.”
My chest is so tight, I have to remind myself to breathe. A few seconds pass, and Raven’s voice reaches me faintly from the earpiece of the phone I just dropped. I’m snapped back to reality—this is not a dream.
“It’s Cal!” I say in utter disbelief, losing my grip on the phone as I try to pick it up again.
“I’ve missed your mom too. I just don’t want to complicate things, and I don’t want to hurt her anymore,” he says.
Tears start to pour down my cheeks.
He laughs lightly. “You’re lucky you get to see her all the time. This probably wasn’t the smartest thing. I wish I could tear myself in half; it’d make things easier for everyone.”
A few more seconds pass, and I hear Caylen make the sound she makes when she’s fascinated by something and studying it intently.
“I’m not going to be able to see you for a while, and I don’t have much time…” His tone changes from regretful to having a sense of urgency.
Suddenly, my body is fully capable of taking action. “Cal!” I try my best to open the door. I can’t get to him. “Cal, wait!”
I don’t know how much time passes as I keep trying to open the door, but finally, I hear footsteps approaching. When I stop yelling and pounding on the door, the silence is palpable. I step back from the door, my heart seeking freedom from my chest. The knob turns, and I stop breathing, but when the door opens, Raven is the only one standing in front of me.
“Lauren, what’s wrong? You hung up on me, the front door was still open, you’re screaming at the top of your lungs…” Raven asks frantically.
“Cal.” I race past Raven into Caylen’s room.
She looks up from her crib and smiles at me. I open her closet and see no one is there.
Raven rushes into the room behind me. “Lauren, honey, what’s wrong? What happened?” She leads me over to the lounger and sits down, gathering me in her arms.
“He was here. He was here, Raven,” I stammer between sobs.
“Cal was here?” she asks frantically.
“He was here! He was in here with Caylen, talking to her,” I whimper, trying to catch my breath.
“You saw him?” Raven asks, confusion evident on her face.
“I-I heard him. On the baby monitor. I heard him talking to her.” I sniff.
Her expression changes. “Honey, did you actually see him?”
“No, Raven, but I heard him. I was locked in my room. He had to have locked the door!” I yell at her.
“Honey, are you sure you weren’t dreaming?” she asks, trying to hug me, and I pull away.
“No,” I tell her, beginning to cry harder.
She looks at me in disbelief.
“I wasn’t fucking dreaming!” I shout. She looks perplexed. I realize how harsh I sound and wipe my cheeks. “I’m sorry.” I begin to cry again. “But I wasn’t dreaming. I know I wasn’t, Raven!”
“How do you know you weren’t, sweetie?” Raven asks in a calm tone, as if speaking any louder will set me off.
“Because I wasn’t. I’ve dreamed before, and this wasn’t a dream!” I try to convince her, though my throat is sore.
“Maybe you imagined it.”
“I didn’t imagine anything. I’m not hallucinating!”
“I didn’t say you were,” she tells me quickly.
I walk over to the rocking chair I read to Caylen on and sink into it, my face in my hands. “Why now then, Raven? Why, after almost two years, would I just all of a sudden begin to imagine things?”
“Well, today is Caylen’s birthday; maybe this triggered something. Maybe you feel bad about admitting you have feelings for Steven. I don’t know!” Raven tries to reason.
I look at her face. She won’t believe me, no matter what I say.
“Lauren, come have a cup of tea. I’m worried about you,” she says, heading out of the bedroom.
I scowl at her, and she sighs, continuing into the hall. I pick Caylen up and take her back into my room, slamming the door behind me. Sitting on the bed, I hold her close, thankful she’s okay.
“You know Mommy’s not crazy, right?” I ask her.
She stretches and waves her little arms, hitting me in the face. I can’t help but laugh.
“Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I imagined it all,” I mumble.
Then I notice, on her tiny arm, a white gold bracelet I’ve never seen before. It’s engraved with the initials D.L.G. in cursive writing.
“Now I know I’m not crazy.” I sigh in relief and hug her again.
Chapter 14
February 7th, 2011
Today’s our two-month anniversary, and I’m ecstatic. Cal will be home from New York any minute, and the steamy calls and texts we’ve been exchanging have me ready to jump him the second he hits the door. But I won’t. Tonight is going to be special. I have it all planned. Cal’s favorite band is playing to a sold-out crowd at The Vault, but I scored tickets from Ryan. Afterward, we’ll have dinner on the rooftop, made by Luc, Helen’s chef, followed by Cal’s favorite dessert—me, any way he likes.
When I hear the door open, I rush to it and jump into his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist.
“Gorgeous.” He smiles widely before I attack his lips. He holds me up easily with one arm and sets his bag down with the other.
“I missed you,” I purr, kissing his neck.
“You ready to show me?” he says, carrying me over to the couch.
He starts to unbutton my sweater, and I lean away from him. His face drops, and I laugh.
“Not until later, babe,” I say, climbing off him.
“Later?” he asks, the disappointment in his face like the pout of a five-year-old. He’s still following me, but I continue to back away from him.
“Yes. I have it all planned. Just be a little patient,” I say with secrecy.
“Just to welcome me home? It’s appreciated but not needed. I want it now,” he says, catching me and picking me up.
I laugh, but my face drops a little. “You don’t know what today is?” I’m a little disappoin
ted—not too much though. I mean, he is a man.
“It’s not your birthday, is it?” he asks.
I frown at him, and he puts me down.
“No, it’s silly anyway,” I say, trying to sound indifferent. I go sit on our couch.
He frowns, squatting in front of me so we’re at eye level. “Babe, please don’t expect me to remember all of these stupid little milestones, because if you do, you’re going to be pissed at me a lot.”
“Seriously, Cal,” I say in disbelief.
“What?” he asks casually.
I brush past him. He’s pretty much told me not to expect anything exciting or memorable from him. I wonder if holidays count? Maybe you don’t celebrate an anniversary every month, and it’s only been two, but they’ve been the happiest two months of my life. Stupid me, wanting to celebrate with him. He’s definitely making me rethink it.
“You’re mad.” He sighs, going to pick up his luggage.
“No. Well, yeah, I am. I can give you a pass for forgetting our anniversary, even though we got married only two months ago, but if you think I’m going to give you a pass for every holiday because you think it’s cliché or arbitrary…” I trail off as he pulls out a beautifully wrapped box, all black with a red ribbon tied around it.
He sets it on my lap. I look up at him, and he’s smiling at me knowingly, arms folded. “You were saying, Mrs. Scott?”
A huge grin spreads across my face, and I roll my eyes at him. “You’re a jerk, you know that?” I say, embarrassed as I untie the red bow.
He sits beside me and kisses my neck as he watches me carefully remove the red ribbon. “Come on, babe, tear into it!” he urges me impatiently as he tickles my side.
“Okay, okay. It’s just so pretty.” I squeal, removing the paper, and when I see the golden-tan box that reads “Christian Louboutin,” I freeze.
He looks at me, and a wider smile spreads across his face.
“You didn’t!” I frantically open the box to see a pair of cherry-red daffodil-crystal-embellished suede pumps—the same pumps I remember fawning over after seeing Jessica Alba wearing them at some awards show I made him watch with me. “Oh my gosh! Cal!” I feel awful for being mad at him.