The Complete If I Break Series

by Portia Moore

  “It’s good you’re back. I’m glad you made it home safe,” I say genuinely. Aidan’s always been the type to live on the edge but was never one for authority even with his dad being in the army. We never thought of him as being disciplined enough to join the army, but when his dad was diagnosed with lupus, I’d bet Aidan enlisted for him.

  “Don’t start going all crybaby on me,” he says, pulling out a pack of gum from his jeans pocket.

  “How was it over there?” I say, taking a piece of gum from him. He’s still a “Big Red” guy. I didn’t even know they still made it.

  “I’m home, the details aren’t so important, right?” he says with a wide smile as he rests his elbow on his knee. “Besides, while I’m off the deep end, it’s like you’re floating in it,” he gives me a nudge and I sigh.

  “You’re a fucking dad, man!” His excitement is apparent and I sigh but can’t help smiling.

  “How does it feel? I know you always wanted enough kids to fill a stadium,” he says, frowning at the idea of it.

  I chuckle. “It didn’t feel like anything until I saw her. Now it’s real. I have this little person with my DNA that I’m responsible for.”

  “When Lisa told me, I was like screw that. You need a paternity test. But it’s pretty obvious she’s yours. Like a little girl version of you…it’s kind of creepy actually,” he jokes. At least I think he's joking.

  “So DID, that’s pretty messed up man,” he says with a sigh.

  “You think?” I ask.

  “Really, all the signs were there.” He stands up and stretches. “Like pieces to a puzzle but no picture on the box to guide you.”

  “Really, Dr. Grunnel,” I say, rolling my eyes at his supposed psychiatric expertise.

  “DID isn’t all that uncommon a condition when you come home from combat,” he says in a serious tone. “Along with all the other glorious perks,” he says, his tone returning to normal.

  “The thing I don’t understand is, from what I’ve researched, the cause is usually a traumatic event. So I can understand why soldiers are high-risk but nothing’s happened to me to cause this. It’s like this guy came out of nowhere,” I say, standing now too.

  “Or maybe you don’t remember,” Aidan says solemnly. The thought has crossed my mind. I don’t know if I’d want to remember something so traumatic it’d cause my personality to break.

  “If something happened, this Cal guy knows. He knows a hell of a lot more than I do,” I say, noticing the anger in my own voice.

  “That’s what he has on you. He knows everything you don’t,” Aidan says. I think back to my earlier conversation with Dexter and his insinuations of the damage Cal can do to my life.

  “I need to know what he knows,” I say, almost to myself.

  “If I knew why he existed and am able to deal with it, I wouldn’t need him.” I say adamantly, and Aidan puts both his hands up.

  “Let’s not go that far. I’m not a psychiatrist or anything but my understanding is ‘alters have a purpose or use’, if there were no need for him he wouldn’t exist,” Aidan shrugs.

  “I don’t need this guy.”

  “Well somewhere in there,’ he points to my head, “begs to differ,” he says, and I swat his hand away.

  “Soo…the kids mom,” he says, leaning on the railing with a sneaky smile on his face. This is what he brought me out here for.

  “This is why you aren’t staying for dinner.”

  “Your mom made my favorite thing in the entire world. I haven’t had a home-cooked meal in months. I’m staying for dinner, just come to terms with that now.” He laughs.

  “One to ten, where’s she scoring?” he says, standing in front of me. I push him and he pushes me back.

  “Come on!” he laughs, and I put him in a headlock. In less than a minute we’re wrestling on the porch.

  “She’s either a one or a ten. You’re putting up too much of a fight,” he says, out of breath.

  “Wow, we’re back to being 12 huh?” I hear Lisa say, amused.

  “One or ten,” Aidan says again, gripping my neck tighter. I manage to elbow him in the stomach and he lets me go.

  “Your mom says cut it out,” Lisa says before rolling her eyes.

  “Whose white Audi is that outside?” he asks, and I sigh.

  “It has to be Caylen’s mom’s,” Lisa adds matter-of-factly.

  “If she is a one, who cares with a car like that,” he says as we head back into the house.

  “Mrs. Red, Chris says I can’t stay for dinner,” Aiden’s whine reminds me of when we were kids.

  “Of course, you can stay. Chris, why wouldn’t Aidan be able to stay for dinner? I made his favorite,” my mom says, frowning at me.

  “I just…you know this is Lauren’s first dinner with us. Aidan can be a lot to handle,” I say, trying to give my mom the hint.

  “But Lisa gets to stay!” Aidan says defensively.

  “That’s because I’m not an ass,” Lisa quips.

  “Yeah, you’re an animal of an entirely different species,” he says.

  “Jerk-off!” Lisa pushes him.

  “My mom is right here!” I say, shooting them a glare to shut them both up.

  “Sorry Mrs. Red,” Aidan says.

  “Me too. He brings out the worst in me,” Lisa says guiltily.

  “I think Lauren would want to get to know the people that are important in your life.” My mom smiles at me and I grumble.

  “Aidan, please try to be on your best behavior,” my mom says, patting him before returning to her pot. We all head into the living room and sit down.

  “Seriously Aidan. Don’t be a jerk. She’s been through a lot,” I say seriously.

  “She’s driving an Audi. I doubt she’s been through all that much.” Aidan chuckles.

  “I’m not joking,” I warn.

  “Can we just watch the game?” He waves me off, turning up the volume on the TV. I slouch back into the sofa and turn my attention to the game. My team’s down by 18 points.

  Do you see my bags at the door and the one I’m holding? Do you not get it?!

  I immediately sit up and look behind me. No one’s there. I look over at Lisa, who’s lying down on the opposite couch.

  “What?” I ask. She looks over at me confused.

  “What?” she asks.

  “Didn’t you just say something?” She shakes her head. Okay, I know she said something.

  Someone did. Maybe I didn’t hear anything. I settle back down in my seat, keeping my eye on her. Lisa has a lot of talents but ventriloquism isn’t one of them. I need to get more sleep.

  I’m leaving, Cal. Fuck you and your texts!

  What the hell was that?! I look back over at Lisa whose attention’s on her phone. I look behind me and no one’s there. Now I know it wasn’t her and I know whose voice it was.

  It’s Lauren's.

  “Dude, you okay?” Aidan asks me with a raised eyebrow.

  “You didn’t hear that?” I hesitate.

  “Hear what?” Aidan asks, sitting up. He didn’t hear it. Which means only I heard it. How is that possible? I get up from the couch, make my way to the hall and up the stairs. A moment later everything blurs around me. I’m somewhere else and I see myself.

  I’m holding Lauren. She’s fighting me as I carry her up a set of stairs. As quickly as I see it, it’s gone, or did I even see it at all?

  Of course I saw it. It was happening to me!

  “Are you okay, son?” My mom is at the top of the steps looking at me suspiciously.

  “Yeah, I thought I heard Lauren call me,” I mutter. It’s the closest thing to the truth I could come up with. She comes up and pats my shoulder.

  “You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.” She chuckles before making her way past me. I laugh nervously. Not a ghost, but it seems like someone’s definitely trying to scare me.

  It’s easy to scare a pussy.

  Chapter 31

  Lauren

 
The smell of pasta wakes me up from my nap. I inhale the scent of the pillow I curled up with. It smells like fabric softener and a hint of something else. Whatever it is smells fantastic. Chris’s bed has the perfect balance of firmness and softness. I’m not sure how long I’ve been asleep but my stomach’s growling. I thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep in someone else’s house but that theory turned out to be very wrong.

  I sit up in bed, the sun’s no longer lighting the room. I pull out my phone. It’s 5:15. I head to the bathroom Chris showed me earlier. My ponytail is a mess. I take the holder off, run my hand through my hair, and splash some water in my face, trying to get rid of the, I just woke up look.

  I head to the stairs and hear Bubble Guppies, one of Caylen’s favorite shows on the Scott's surround system. She’s already toddler-ized their house.

  Caylen’s sitting in the middle of the floor on a big pink blanket eating graham crackers. Mr. Scott is asleep on a brown couch that matches the comfy brown chair I sat in earlier and across from him is the girl I saw in the picture with Chris. Her long locks have been replaced by an asymmetrical bob but I still recognize her. When she sees me, she sits up from her prone position.

  “Hi!” she says cheerfully.

  “Hi.” I kneel down next to Caylen and kiss her on the cheek.

  “You must be Lauren.” I stand to shake her hand but she pulls me into a hug instead.

  “Lisa, right?” I say as she releases me.

  “Yeah. I hope my reputation doesn’t precede me!” she says with a nudge.

  “Uhm. I was looking at pictures in Chris’s room and you were in some. Nothing bad!” I assure her with a laugh.

  “Good.” She folds her arms across her chest, and scrutinizes me. After all, I’m the woman who married her best friend’s alter ego...or something like that.

  “Your daughter is so adorable,” she says, looking at Caylen.

  “Thank you.”

  We stand around awkwardly for a few seconds.

  “Chris and Aidan went to grab something from the store.” She runs her hand through her hair and I notice a tattoo right above her wrist. It’s a word written in cursive.

  “Fate.” She points to it, noticing my gaze. She then shows me the opposite side of her wrist is the word Hope.

  “If you believe in fate, you better hope she doesn’t screw you over.” She laughs.

  “Fate must not like me very much,” I mumble, and she laughs.

  “Fate doesn’t like most people,” she giggles.

  “If I were you, I don’t know how I’d deal with all this. I mean, I’d be literally pulling my hair out, his hair out, anyone in the general vicinity,” she says, and I smile tightly. “But you’re definitely doing the mature thing. Me, I’ve been told I’m not very mature. That’s why I work with kids.” she jokes.

  “Oh? What do you do?” I ask, glad to have the spotlight off me.

  “I’m a preschool teacher,” she says with a smile. I’m a little surprised. She’s dressed in low rise jeans with a midriff sweater, a red streak down her asymmetrical bob and a small piercing in her nose. She looks more like a rock star bartender than a teacher but Caylen is pulling on her pants and lifting her arms for her to pick her up, so kids must love her.

  “Hi beautiful,” she says, picking Caylen up.

  “I’m jealous,” I kid.

  “Kids love me.” She shrugs.

  “Dinner’s almost ready,” Mrs. Scott calls from the kitchen. The previously sleep-ridden Mr. Scott rises.

  “Excuse me ladies,” he says, brushing past us with a wide, almost charming, smile. The first I’ve seen from him since I met him.

  “I can take her,” I tell Lisa. She waves me off.

  “We’re fine,” she says with a wink before following Mr. Scott into the dining room. I go to grab my purse when I hear the door open.

  “Straight ahead.” A tall guy holds the door open as Chris comes in holding a big white box. Once he’s made it inside and puts it down, I see it’s a high chair.

  “You went and bought a high chair?” I laugh.

  “She’s the guest of honor. She should have her own seat,” he says.

  “You’re Lauren?” the blonde guy asks me with a chuckle in his voice. I’m not sure if I want to answer the question from the way he says it.

  “That would be me,” I say hesitantly. He looks back at Chris and chuckles.

  “Twelve,” he says, his eyes devouring my body.

  “I’m sorry?” I ask, confused.

  “Excuse his numerical outburst. An aftereffect of his post-traumatic stress thing from combat,” Chris says tightly, and I’m not sure if he’s joking or not.

  “He’s joking,” the blond guy says, seeing that I’m not smiling at all.

  “Christopher can be so rude,” he jokes, and extends me his hand.

  “I’m Aidan. I thought I was Chris’s best friend.” I look over at Chris questioningly and see that he’s staring pretty hard at Aidan.

  “Nice to meet you,” I reply. He’s Chris’ height and build but he has a buzz-cut, though his hair’s long enough to show he’s a blonde. He has ocean blue eyes and his smile reveals perfect teeth. They sure know how to grow ’em in Michigan.

  “Welcome home!” I say, realizing Chris told me earlier that he was out on tour.

  “The best welcome I’ve had all day,” he says, our handshake still lingering. Is this dude really flirting with me right in front of my husband?

  Well, I’m not exactly sure how I should refer to Chris. I let go of his hand but he’s continues to smile at me his eyes directly on mine. I wrap my arms around myself.

  Is this guy for real?

  “Can you take this in the dining room?” Chris says, shoving the highchair box into Aidan’s chest.

  “Sure buddy,” Aidan says tightly and makes his way into the dining room.

  “Don’t mind him. He can act like an idiot around a beautiful woman,” Chris says.

  A smile a mile wide spreads across my face. Chris looks down at his feet embarrassed. Maybe having realized he paid me a compliment.

  He thinks I’m beautiful.

  Chris thinks I am beautiful.

  That manages to get me through the rest of the night and I don't mind as much that Aidan, has been staring at me like I’m wearing a bra and thong at the table and that Mr. Scott is ignoring my presence entirely. Mrs. Scott is trying to keep the dinner conversation pleasant and uncontroversial. That's been difficult since Lisa seems to love talking about politics, religion and every awkward thing in between. I manage to stay out of the fray, pretending to keep myself busy with Caylen. The food is mouthwateringly delicious. Mrs. Scott makes cooking seem as easy as breathing. The pasta was to die for and I’m biting into what’s left my chocolate cake. The boys have drifted off into a debate about the upcoming football season. Lisa starts to look bored. It’s nice seeing him with them. Carefree, light, and not like a dark cloud’s following him. It’s good to see him so ‘Chris-like’, not guarding his behavior, afraid of saying the wrong thing. Seeing him like this reminds me more of Cal when we first met. Mrs. Scott is starting to clear the table and Lisa turns her attention to me.

  “So Lauren, how did you and Cal meet?” Annnd the room becomes silent except for Caylen, who is hitting her plate with her spoon. My eyes find Chris’s and they’re a little wide. He’s biting the corner of his lip.

  I thought Lisa liked me but she obviously hates me. Why else would she bring up such an awkward topic, one that Chris and I have been tiptoeing around so carefully. She’s just thrown it in the middle of the table for everyone to see.

  “Really, Lisa?” Chris says tightly.

  “What? I’d like to know. Wouldn’t you like to know?” she asks innocently, glancing at Aidan,

  “I would,” Aidan chimes in. I remember that earlier Chris said that they liked to double-team him when they were little. It seems the tactic has persisted. I wait for one of the Scotts to intervene and say it isn’t appropriate
but Mr. Scott just sits quietly with a frown on his face and Mrs. Scott continues clearing the table, not making eye contact with anyone. I really wish I would have accepted that glass of wine she offered me earlier.

  “I worked at a popular club while I was in college. We met there,” I say in a quick breath.

  “What type of club?” Aidan says, his voice dripping with innuendo.

  “Not that type of club,” I say with a deliberate edge to my voice.

  “Was it love at first sight?” Lisa says excitedly.

  “Come on,” Chris says, exasperated.

  “What? It’s romantic!” Lisa says, a hint of a slur in her voice. I wonder how many glasses of wine she’s had.

  “Aren’t these just obvious things everyone wants to know?” she looks around the room for someone to agree with her.

  “I’d really prefer not to hear this right after I’ve eaten.” Mr. Scott sounds disgusted.

  Something in me starts to rise, thinking about how he lied to me, his hatred for Cal, and how he’s pretty much pretended I haven’t existed since I’ve gotten here.

  “No, not love. Just lust, pure unadulterated lust,” I say with a tight smile. Mr. Scott’s mouth drops open a little. When my eyes find Chris’s face he’s turned completely red.

  “Oh shit,” Aidan says, covering his mouth and laughs.

  I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have let him get to me like that but I couldn’t help it.

  “But isn’t that all love at first sight is? Just lust?” Lisa is completely unfazed. It's as if she’s about to turn this into a talking point. She should be a philosophy professor instead of a pre-school teacher.

  “On that note, everybody have a good night,” Chris says sharply and gets up from the table.

  “Come on, Chris, we’re just having fun” Aidan says, lifting his hands innocently. He doesn’t look at anyone except me.

  “Stop being such a baby, Chris.” Lisa laughs.

  “Are you ready, Lauren?” Chris asks, ignoring Aidan and Lisa’s nudges.

  “Yeah,” I say, unsure of what is happening but I’m pretty glad to be rescued from this nightmare. I lift Caylen out of the highchair.