The Complete If I Break Series

by Portia Moore

  “You didn’t have to act like that, Jenna. I can hardly recognize who you are anymore,” I say. Her frown hardens.

  “You don’t recognize who I am?” she responds with a mirthless laugh. “If that’s not the most ironic statement of the year, I don’t know what is!” And with that, she storms off to her car. She storms off a lot these days. Like my own personal hurricane. I have too many of those in my life right now. I’m getting tired of cleaning up the aftermath. My dad appears on the porch, his face red, he looks flustered.

  “Where’s Jenna?” he asks, exasperated.

  “Gone,” I say, letting out a deep breath.

  “You just let her leave?” Now my dad seems angry with me and I just don’t want to hear it right now.

  “What was I supposed to do? She was wrong in there. She shouldn’t have spoken to Lauren or Mom like that,” I tell him, and he groans.

  “This girl has been nothing but trouble since the day she got here. Her and her crazy family,”

  “Oh, that’s really nice dad,” I spit back. “Because we’re the picture-perfect family ourselves,” I say sarcastically and walk past him.

  When he grabs my shoulder, I jerk away from him and go back into the house. The kitchen is empty except for my mom, who's cleaning up the aftermath of what just happened. She looks at me, exhausted and regretful.

  “I’m sorry, Mom,” I apologize, and she shrugs.

  “It’s not your fault, Chris. Things like this are to be expected, I guess. We’re all getting to know one another’s personalities. It’ll get better,” she says, giving me a reassuring squeeze before she finishes sweeping the floor. I enter the living room and see Lauren’s friend Hillary sitting on the couch next to Lisa and Aidan sitting across from her.

  “She’s a fucking bitch,” she spouts angrily, her arms and legs crossed tightly. She’s still furious. Her hair is blond at the roots, but turns a bright shade of red. She’s wearing leather boots up to her knees and a white leather jacket. She looks like she still wants to fight. If she weren’t so pissed off, I’m sure she’d be a pretty girl. She and Lauren seem so different. She actually reminds me of a more hotheaded version of Lisa. She glances up at me when she sees me enter the room and rolls her eyes.

  “Look, I’m sorry to disrespect your house like that. I apologized to your mom and now I’m apologizing to you,” she says, throwing her hands up. “But I’m not going to let anyone talk to my best friend that way, especially when she’s really trying to be nice. I don’t know if you’ve seen Lauren pissed but she can go there fast. She was really trying in there,” she states.

  “How long have you guys been friends?” Lisa asks cautiously.

  “Since college. We’re not on the best terms right now but I’ll be damned if I let someone talk to her like that.” She then turns her attention to me.

  “At first I thought you were lying. I didn’t know whether to believe all this or not, but now I know you’re not Cal,” she says, looking at me bitterly.

  I sigh. “Why is that?” I ask.

  “Cal would never let anyone talk to Lauren like that,” she says before getting up and brushing past me. I think this is the first time in my life I’m embarrassed to be myself.

  “Dude, I think I’m in love,” Aidan says, following her.

  “Chris. I’m sorry. I told Lauren I’m sorry. If I hadn't brought it up that would have never happened,” Lisa says, walking over to me.

  “That was going to happen sooner or later.” I sigh.

  “What’d Jenna say?” she asks.

  “She got pissed and left.” I shrug with a sigh.

  “You didn’t go after her?” she sounds surprised.

  “No. You think I should’ve?” I ask. Now I’m surprised.

  “No. Just surprised you didn’t.” She shrugs.

  “Where’s Lauren?” I ask.

  “In her room with her aunt. I think she’s trying to get Lauren to go back with her,” Lisa whispers.

  “Today?”

  “I mean, can you blame her after that disaster in there?” Lisa continues.

  I nod. She’s right. “How serious was Lauren about staying here?” I wonder aloud.

  “She seemed to be seriously considering it. I don’t know about now…” she trails off as Lauren’s aunt Raven emerges from the room. She doesn’t look happy.

  “Christopher. Can I speak with you?” she says, looking up at me. She’s about my mom’s height but the expression on her face couldn’t be more intimidating.

  “Sure,” I say. Lisa smiles tightly before excusing herself.

  “I’m going to be blunt here. I’ve tried to convince my niece that she should come back home with us.”

  “I understand,” I nod.

  “She’s refused. I’m not surprised. I’m upset but not surprised. She’s still stubborn as all get out. But of course you know that.” She glances up at me.

  “Or maybe you don’t.” She sighs, rubbing her head.

  “I want my Lauren to come home in one piece, Christopher. I’m not generally a harsh person but I want to impress upon you the importance of what I’m saying to you.”

  “I understand,” I tell her genuinely.

  “I don’t think you do. Most people don’t want to hurt anyone, it just happens. She’s been through so much. If you’re confused about all this, if you’re in love with that other girl, just let her go. Don’t play with her, don’t string her along. We’re going to be stuck together for at least 17 more years, probably even longer than that. You do not want to be on my bad side.” And with that, she leaves me standing in the room alone.

  Chapter 47

  Lauren

  They’re gone. It wasn’t easy to get them to leave without me, but I did it. At this point, the only reason I’m staying is that I promised Mrs. Scott. I promised myself that I’d stay until I get some type of closure. The closer it gets to the time I’m supposed to leave, the more it feels like I’m saying goodbye, goodbye to my past, and goodbye to the man I love. There have been times along the way where I thought I might get my happy ending after all. But, as soon as they come along, something horrible happens and I feel that happy ending being snatched away. But the divorce papers were the real show stopper.

  He’s had divorce papers all this time. All the times we’ve laughed and joked and spent time together, he’s probably been figuring out how he’s going to get me to sign the papers so he can make a clean break. I wish he would have mentioned them to me before. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so blindsided, so embarrassed in front of our friends and families. I know there’s not a good way to say ‘hey I want a divorce.’ But, as terrible as it would have been, I would have preferred to hear it from him instead of Jenna.

  I don’t understand why he’s with her. I won’t lie, she’s really pretty when she’s not frowning, I’m sure she could be considered beautiful, but her attitude is absolutely disgusting. Then again, she hates my guts. I can’t really blame her. But if the roles were reversed, I’d never treat someone the way she’s treated me. There has to be something sweet and kind in her…but who am I to judge? A lot of people didn’t understand why Cal and I were together. They failed to see the good in him, even his own father. Thankfully, I haven’t been able to obsess over what happened today.

  Caylen’s been crying all night. She has a little tooth coming through. I’ve walked her around, given her warm milk and baby pain reliever, but it’s been no use. There’s starting to be a small ringing in my ears from the crying, but I’d rather not hear my own thoughts right now.

  “I know, baby. I know,” I say, walking the room, bouncing her up and down again. I hear a knock at the door. It’s probably Mrs. Scott coming in again to offer her help. She’s done it several times, and I've told her she needs her rest. She gets up so early in the mornings for the farm and I don’t have anywhere to be.

  I open the door and see Chris standing there instead. I haven’t spoken to him since the dinner earlier today. I haven’t wanted
to talk to him at all.

  I’m not exactly ready now.

  “I texted you. You didn’t respond,” he says bashfully.

  “Kind of hard to hear an alert with a screaming baby,” I joke, but my tone is dry.

  “What’s wrong with her?” he asks, reaching for her.

  “She’s teething,” I say, gladly handing her over.

  “Aww come on, big Cay, that little tooth is nothing,” he says to her. It’s a nick name he’s given her. He bounces her up and down, hugs her close to him, and makes faces at her, but the crying goes on and on.

  “Is she okay? Should we take her to the doctor?” After five minutes he’s worried. He’s an amateur.

  “She’s fine. She doesn’t have a temperature. Her gums are just irritated and she’s fighting sleep,” I say flatly. Truth is, I’d be as concerned as he was if I hadn’t taken her to the E.R. the first time one of her teeth came in. He looks relieved to hear that. Then he glances back over at me.

  “I kind of wanted to talk to you about earlier,” he says, still attempting to comfort her.

  “This isn’t really the best time,” I say, glad to have an excuse. He’s a guy and I’m sure his ears can only take so much before he has to excuse himself from the room.

  “If I can get her to stop crying, will you talk to me?” he asks in all seriousness. That’s not going to happen.

  “Sure,” I say with a disbelieving laugh.

  He nods and hands her to me. “I’ll be back in five minutes,” he says and slips out of the room. If he comes in here with sock puppets or something, it’ll be completely adorable, but won’t help a bit. I continue to walk Caylen around, her crying at the level I’ve grown accustomed to. Soon, Chris is back, this time with a beautiful black guitar in hand. I can feel my eyes widen. He smiles sheepishly.

  “I haven’t done this in a while,” he says nervously. “Can I sit here?” he asks, gesturing towards the bed. I nod, feeling my stomach start to knot. He sits on the bed and strums a few chords. God, he looks so freaking sexy and he hasn’t even played a song. I’m not supposed to think he’s sexy. I’m supposed to be angry and irritated at how wrong he was for hiding the fact that he wanted me to sign those papers.

  He takes a deep breath and starts to play a little more fluidly. I recognize he’s playing London Bridge, but a slower version. It’s beautiful. I watch his hands and how he looks at the instrument so intently. I’m so lost in watching him play, I don’t even realize that Caylen’s stopped crying. Once he’s done with that song, he goes into another song. It takes me a minute before I realize it’s a song that’s on my iPod playlist for Caylen.

  Oh, Mr. Sun.

  Cute.

  He plays it fast, then slows the tempo and starts to sing.

  And, oh my God, can he sing! And not like the average karaoke singer, but as if he were on one of those talent shows where all the teenage girls would be crying when he’s done. The funny thing is, he started off nervous and a little unsure of himself, but as he keeps playing the nervousness melts away and he’s completely confident in what he’s doing. He’s good and he knows it. He looks up at me a few times with a small grin. He plays like it’s therapeutic for him. Caylen has drifted off to sleep so I put her in bed. I sit in my rocking chair, watching and listening. I close my eyes, feeling all the stress of today melt away. His voice is like a mix between Ed Sheeran and Connor Maynard. I cannot believe I’ve never heard him sing before.

  If this were Cal, I’d know for sure he was trying to seduce me, but this is Chris, and I don’t know if he realizes the effect this is having on me. If he plays one more song, I’m pulling him out of this room and being charged for sexual assault.

  “Lauren.” His voice, the normal one, wakes me out of my trance.

  “I can’t believe after all these years that I’ve just heard you sing,” I say quietly.

  “That’s because you weren’t with me all those years,” he says, an amused grin on his face. I run my hands through my hair. I don’t really know what to say to that but the glint in his eyes makes my skin heat up.

  “I-I wanted to talk to you about earlier,” he says, clearing his throat. He cannot show me those divorce papers now. It would be too cruel, not after this.

  “Jenna had them drawn up... She gave them to me and I told her I would talk to you about them,” he says, and I can’t look at him anymore. I look at Caylen. I keep my focus on her, that’s what this is all supposed to be about anyway.

  “It’s okay, Chris,” I say with every ounce of strength in my body as I look at Caylen. I can’t look at him and say this.

  “If that’s what you want,” I say, trying to force the words out without my voice breaking.

  “I wasn’t going to give them to you,” he says, focusing his green eyes on mine. I feel my heart stop.

  “What?” I ask him, confused. I’m trying to read him but his expression gives away nothing. Not one single thing.

  “I just want to slow things down a little. Really think about the future. I want to make sure I’m not making the wrong decision,” he says simply, but his words are anything but simple. Is he saying what I think he’s saying?

  “What do you mean, Chris?” I ask, hearing the nervousness in my voice.

  “I just don’t want to move so fast anymore. There are a lot of things I need to figure out.”

  Great. He’s confused and that leaves us in limbo, but I’ll take it.

  “The doctor I scheduled to see has an opening tomorrow,” he says, changing the subject. I don't want to change the subject now, but him seeing a doctor is really good news.

  “That’s great, Chris,” I say, and he nods.

  “She’s in Chicago,” he continues. “I’m a little nervous about going,” he admits, sitting on the bed.

  “Do you want me to go with you?” I ask him. Please let him say yes.

  “Please,” he says simply.

  “Okay.” It’s all I can manage to say because my thoughts are racing, my emotions are on overload, and my body…let’s not even go there.

  “I’ll talk to my mom about watching Caylen. My appointment’s at 3:00. I figure we should leave around 10:30,” he says, standing up and walking to the door. He has increased the space between us. Space is good. Space makes me feel less likely to do something stupid.

  “Great.” I feel a smile spread across my face. He picks up his guitar and stands in the doorway like he doesn’t want to leave, our eyes locked on each other’s.

  “Goodnight, Lauren,” he finally says.

  “Goodnight, Chris,” I reply, and he closes the door behind him. I let out a deep breath even though that conversation almost took it away completely. I don’t really know where I stand with him. I don’t know what all this means but I feel that single flame of hope catching fire right about now, and I don’t want to think about anything that will put it out.

  Chapter 48

  Chris

  We finally make it to Chicago, my home away from home in some weird way. The GPS says we’re 10 minutes away from the doctor’s office. I’m doing this. I’m supposed to tell a complete stranger my deepest darkest secrets, except I don’t know what any of them are. Only my mom knows what I’m doing. I didn’t tell Aidan, Lisa, Jenna or my dad. It’s something I wanted to do on my own without any bad vibes. My trust in doctors is still butchered from my last experience, but this is a clean slate. She doesn’t know me, Cal, my parents, or my affiliation with the Crestfields so she has no agenda.

  Lauren offered to drive, but I felt like driving would help calm my nerves and I’m more nervous about this than I thought I would be. I don’t know what to expect or what’s going to happen. I hate putting so much trust in someone else’s hands, letting someone manipulate my thoughts, essentially playing around with my brain. A part of me wants to forget the whole thing. I’ve been doing fine so far, and my dad has always said, "if something’s not broke don’t go trying to fix it." The thing is, I think I am broken, almost at least.


  I'm functional, like a car that gets you where you need to be, but you never know when that clinking sound it makes is going to cause a complete breakdown. I can’t be like an unreliable vehicle. I’m a dad and Lauren’s depending on me. I glance over at her. She’s been pretty quiet. She slept most of the way and just woke up a couple of minutes ago.

  “We’re in your neck of the woods,” I joke, glad she’s awake.

  “Yup. The big city.” She smiles widely as we enter downtown. Her face is animated.

  She loves it here. She misses this…

  “I’ve only been here once, for a high school field trip,” I say, and then realize how ridiculous that sounds.

  “Well, that I remember,” I add quietly. I guess that’s one reason I’m seeing this woman.

  “If she’s in this district, she’s doing pretty well,” Lauren replies.

  “Let’s hope that means she knows what she’s doing.” I chuckle nervously.

  “Everything’s going to be fine.” Her smile is reassuring even though I notice her sigh. When we reach the building, it takes us another ten minutes to find parking. I wanted to keep looking but we ended up in a parking lot that cost us twenty-five dollars for three hours. What a rip off! Lauren didn’t even flinch. I show Lauren the address and she confirms we’re parked three blocks from the building. As we make our way down the busy street, I take it all in.

  There are so many people: men, women, old, young, all different nationalities and ethnicities. There are three guys dancing in front of a fast food restaurant and people are putting money in a bucket in front of them. On another block, there’s a man dressed in a suit and tie telling people they’re going to hell. According to this guy, literally everyone is going to hell.

  Lauren looks up at me, amused by my amazement. I’m surprised when she slips her hand in mine but I don’t hesitate to give her a gentle squeeze. I’m amazed at how her hand seems to fit so perfectly in mine. You’d think it was meant specifically for me. She quickly pulls me through the crowd and we make our way to the tall, gold and black building with the address printed on the front. Once we enter, the atmosphere is quiet, a stark contrast from the hustle and bustle outside.