The Complete If I Break Series

by Portia Moore

  “Chris could never do this to you,” he moans in my ear. I close my eyes and bite my lip but it doesn’t help.

  “Let’s be honest… There isn’t a choice….You don’t get to choose. I’m the only option,” he taunts me, pushing deeper into me

  “Oh my God,” I shriek out as my legs start to shake. It’s happening faster than it’s ever happened before. My hands are finally free and I wrap them around his neck as if I’m holding on for dear life. I bury my head in his shoulder but he grabs my hair and pulls my head back so that I’m forced to look at him.

  “I make you feel like this. No one else,” he says as I come apart around him. I can’t even respond. I breathe in as much air as I can, waiting for my body to return to its normal state but, before it does, he’s flipped me around with my stomach against the wall and he’s back inside of me again.

  “Cal, wait. Wait,” I pant out but he doesn’t. His hand slips between my thighs and he’s back inside of me again.

  “We’re not finished yet,” he says his into my ear as he starts again and, thank God, he’s holding me up because I’m exhausted. Yet my body still manages to come alive, waking up for him all over again. His mouth is on my neck sucking hard, so hard I know it’s going to leave marks and his fingers trace their favorite spot as he pushes into me. His fingers cause the most perfect pleasure I have felt in such a long time.

  “Tell me to stop,” he says. One of his hands squeezes my thigh as he goes faster and faster. I can’t even speak, just an indistinguishable moan. I want him to stop but never stop, pleasure and pain crashing against one another inside of me.

  “I dare you,” he taunts me. Everything is spinning around me. I’m on a rollercoaster right at the edge of the highest peak

  “You and I are much more alike than you think,” he says. He’s already so deep but each thrust feels deeper than the last one. “You’re like Chris on your weakest day, me on your best.” He’s rubbing me faster and faster and I feel it coming again, tears coming just as I’m about to.

  “Where’s your fire, Lauren?” he says as I throw my head back and I come down in waves.

  “He put it out. But don’t worry, I’ll start it again.” I hear him but his words seem far away. I’m far away, like I’m floating. I just want to sleep but I still feel him. I’m helpless and, as he finishes, his arms wrap around me pulling me back as close to him as possible. I feel like I’ve been both punished and rewarded. I glance back at him, my eyes barely able to stay open. His expression tells me that it was both. I can’t even speak. All I want now is to sleep.

  Chapter 3

  Lauren

  Unraveling. If I had to describe the state that I’m in, that would be it. I’m coming apart. He made me come apart again and again until I fell into pieces. Pieces he broke me into and threw into the deep-end of what’s now my life, and I’m drowning.

  How did I get here? How did I end up in the most complicated relationship I could have ever imagined? I think back to all of those days when I wondered where he was, who he was with, and if he was cheating. Was he involved in some type of organized crime? I even entertained the idea that maybe he was doing covert missions for the CIA. I was so far off but, as crazy as all those explanations were, any of those things would have been easier to handle.

  Now he’s right here next to me and it gives me comfort but it also makes my heart skip a beat. This should be a turning point, but in what direction I don’t know. Where is Chris? I don’t even know if Cal is the one next to me at this point. The last time we had sex, he switched just like that. My life as easy to flip as a light switch.

  When I first saw Cal, I couldn’t help but wonder if Chris really was who I slept with or if it was some strange type of mind game Cal was playing. Would Chris sleep with me? If he’s still with Jenna, I can’t see him doing that. I don’t think that’s who he is. But who is Cal? Who is Chris? They’re one in the same but so different. Chris is lost but I don’t think that Cal is. Of the two, I think he knows exactly what’s going on. He always has and it’s time for answers. If he thought that little display yesterday would shut me up, he has another thing coming. He’s been gone for two years. I felt his loss each of those days and now I need answers, not just for me but for Caylen and for his family.

  Last night, it was like he was making up for lost time—two years of us not being together, him not having my body—and yesterday, it felt like he claimed me. He owned me. He had to prove that I was his, to prove that he knew me better and in ways that Chris doesn’t. The thing is, after all the time I’ve known him and the little time I’ve known Chris, I know more about Chris than Cal, and that knowledge alone makes me want to throw up. I’m still hurt that he didn’t tell me the truth and disgusted we’ve fallen right back into our routine—the temporary fix of sex—and I can’t let this happen again. He said I lost my fire with Chris, the spark in me gone. Well if my spark means being a screaming lunatic, no I wasn’t that way with Chris. It was nice, even if it made me feel as if I were walking on egg shells most of the time. I felt like I had to be careful with Chris. He was vulnerable, almost fragile, but what would happen once Chris is broken? Would a broken Chris be Cal? Did I break Chris?

  “You have an hour to get dressed or I’m leaving you,” he says, his voice and tone distinctive and completely different from the voice I’ve been hearing for the past few weeks. One that was almost forgotten but is etching itself in my memory again, vibrating through me.

  I try to think of how the old Lauren would respond and compare it to the Lauren I’ve been the past few weeks. I can't help wondering…who am I now? The Lauren of yesterday is gone, obliterated. He fucked the complete life out of her. I try to find the words of who I should be, but I’m at a complete loss. Nothing I can think of seems adequate so I stay perfectly still and quiet. That’s not something I’ve ever done before. I turn to see him disappear into the bathroom, bare as an egg, body of a god, and with the attitude of a spoiled six year old.

  He’s still upset. But from what I’ve learned about Chris in the weeks I’ve been getting to know him is that Chris forgives easily and I know from past experiences that Cal holds grudges like a hoarder. I get up from the bed and try to think. What we did last night wasn’t making love. It was the opposite and I don’t know how to feel about that.

  I don’t know what to do but I have to tell his parents. I can’t avoid them because they have Caylen and I can’t tell Cal. I’ve never been so confused in my life. My eyes make a sweep of the room in a frantic search for my clothes. Of course my clothes aren’t in here. They’re somewhere on the first floor of the suite. I grab the sheet, wrap it around myself, and head downstairs. My clothes are strewn all across the room. I grab each piece from where it lay scattered all over the place and put them on. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot my phone, the alert light blinking, beckoning me. I’m afraid to see how many messages are on it. I take a deep breath and see that I have 18 missed calls and 12 voice messages. I scroll through and see the numbers from Gwen, Lisa, and Helen.

  Shit.

  I don’t know what to tell these people. I don’t expect Cal to tell them anything. I scroll through the numbers and dial Helen’s. It goes to voice mail. I call Lisa’s. I can’t call Mrs. Scott. I can’t tell her any of this over the phone. I glance back towards the room.

  I don’t know why I feel like I have to sneak and do this. Should I do this? Ugh! I’m not going to drive myself crazy about this. It’s time to cut the bullshit. I head back up stairs and into the bedroom. I hear the shower running.

  “I’ve been thinking of whether I should call your parents or not,” I say loud enough for him to hear me over the water. He doesn’t say anything.

  “They have Caylen. I’m going to have to tell them something. I was going to call and tell them without speaking with you but I’m trying to start something new. I want nothing but open and honest communication between us. So can you let me know your thoughts on that?” I say in almost one breath
. He steps out the shower and I force my eyes to stay on his face and go nowhere else but the wall between us is back up again. His eyes are on me and I can’t read him. His stare is blank but he steps towards me, completely naked with a sly smirk stretched across his face. My breath hitches as he reaches behind me to grab a towel and wipes his face before wrapping it around his waist.

  “Are you going to say anything?” I ask him, feeling my stoic façade begin to crumble beneath me. He bites his lips trying to suppress the smile I see peeking through. He likes me upset. How could I forget?

  “Fine,” I say, pulling out my phone. “I’ll give them a call.” Before I can even get my thumb to touch a button, he’s snatches it from my hand. I expect him leave the room or to even flush it down the toilet but he doesn’t. He hits a few keys and the phone starts to ring on speaker.

  “Lauren, where the hell are you and why haven’t you been answering our calls?”

  It’s Mr. Scott, and my eyes widen.

  “Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?” Cal’s voice sends a chill through my spine. There’s a stunned silence on the other end. Mr. Scott is obviously at a loss for words.

  “If you ever speak to my wife like that again, I’m going to break your fucking legs,” he says, his grip tightening on the phone.

  “We’ll be there to get our daughter tonight. I’ll call you when we’re a few minutes away. Have her dressed and ready to leave.” He hangs up and tosses the phone to me before stepping closer, his arm wrapping around my back, pulling me towards him and leaning down to my ear.

  “I’m not a little boy. I thought I reminded you of that last night,” he says huskily, his grip tightening on my waist.

  “Chris’s parents don’t scare me. Dexter has no authority over me. I can give a shit what anyone else thinks about me being back. You can call and alert the newspaper if you feel the need to. You’re either in this with me or you’re not. Chris won’t be back anytime soon,” he says, letting me go and leaving the bathroom. My phone begins to ring again. I’m guessing it’s probably a not-so-stunned Mr. Scott calling back in a fury but, when I glance down, I see that it’s Lisa. She’s called me at least four times. I shake my head and pick up.

  “Hey, Lisa,” I say, trying my best to mask the utter terror pumping through my veins.

  “Lauren, have you talked to Chris? I’ve been trying to call him and…” Before she can finish, Cal’s back in front of me and snatches the phone from my hand.

  “Don’t ever call me or Lauren again. I’m not kidding! If you do, I will ruin you. Stay the fuck away!”

  I stand in front of him in complete shock. “Do you even know who that was?”

  “Don’t fucking answer for her,” he says bitterly, before leaving the room. I follow.

  “What’s your problem with Lisa!?” I ask, exasperated.

  “I mean it,” he says pointedly.

  “Is this about her not wanting to sleep with you?” I told Lisa I wouldn’t tell Chris but this is Cal. A condescending laugh escapes him.

  “Is that what that lying little cunt told you?” he says, throwing on his clothes.

  “How about you tell me? How about you tell me about everything?” I say, grabbing his wrist. “About why you hate your parents…”

  “I don’t hate my parents,” he says abruptly.

  “Your dad,” I reiterate. “What happened to make you like this?”

  “Like what? Like me? What screwed me up so bad to bring me about? Is that what you’re asking me?!”

  “That’s not what I meant,” I say quietly.

  “No, that’s exactly what you meant,” he spits back.

  “Don’t turn this around on me. This is bigger than you and me now. We have a daughter, Cal,” I plead.

  “You’re not my fucking shrink, Lauren. You’re my wife. The woman I asked to marry me. You know everything now so let’s get past this. I’m ready to get back to normal. No more of this bullshit.”

  “Normal? What we had is not normal. Just be honest with me. Please. Don’t I deserve that at least?”

  “Why do you think I know everything?” he asks quietly.

  I hesitate. He should know everything, right? He has to; he’s the alter. But how do I say that without it being an insult? Looking at him, I can’t say it. I still don’t want to admit it. I am mad at him, but I don’t want to hurt him—I never wanted to hurt Cal—and if I say it out loud right in front of him, I know it would hurt him. Or maybe I’m just afraid of saying it, of saying those actual words.

  “You can say it, Lauren. I won’t melt. I’m not a mythical creature,” he says with an amused grin.

  “I can only go off of what I know and you haven’t told me anything.”

  “I don’t know who your loyalty lies with. So I’ll pass for now,” he says wryly.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You know exactly what I mean. We can save a lot of time if you stop playing stupid. Remember that I know you like the back of my hand.”

  He has a lot fucking nerve. Of course, he does. It is Cal after all? He doesn’t know who my loyalty lies with? I waited for him for two years after he walked out on me. Yet, he questions my loyalty? I don’t understand what else I need to do to prove my loyalty to him. Why am I paying for a mistake I wasn’t aware I’d made? I’m trying so hard to keep my emotions in check, especially my anger and my frustration. It’s taking nearly all of my willpower to remain calm and not fly off the handle again.

  But, like always, Cal has a way of pushing my buttons. He can’t think I’m going to go along with this—all his secrets, living a lie, pretending to be happy about the very thing that unraveled our marriage. He steps toward me, closing the distance between us. His gray eyes cling to mine, as if he’s reading my mind.

  “Don’t worry, gorgeous. You’ll know everything soon. Just make sure you’re ready for it.” At that, he leaves me standing where I am with more questions than answers. Cal has always had a knack for leaving me stupefied. His statement isn’t a simple declaration; it’s more like a threat. But he doesn’t get to do this to me anymore. I could easily retaliate with the threat of leaving. But I can’t bring myself to do it. I have a daughter to think about. And then there’s Chris. I feel a world of responsibility on my shoulders and I don’t know how long I can hold it all up.

  “I’ll meet you downstairs,” he says, as he heads out the door.

  How do I do this? I can’t walk out on him. He’s mentally unstable but I can’t go through a life of secrets anymore! It’s Cal but he’s different, a little colder, a little rawer, uncensored and unpredictable, and there’s no way I can let him out of my sight.

  I try to gather my thoughts as I make my way downstairs. They’re everywhere, on everything. I feel powerless, more than I ever have before. I walk out of the hotel and see him sitting in the Audi. I take a deep breath before getting in. I feel like I’m slipping back into my old life. He's still angry but he’s still here with me and that means all hope isn’t completely lost. I’m not as powerless as I thought. We’re both at odds, but we still love each other. I used to think of it as only my weakness but now I know it’s his weakness too and I fully intend to use it to try to fix this mess—if we can be fixed.

  “So what’s the plan?” I try to keep bitter sarcasm out my voice but I’m sure it’s not working. “We just go back to being how we were before? Let’s remember, things weren’t exactly peachy.”

  He doesn’t even glance my way.

  “And I’m supposed to pretend that the past two years haven’t happened? That I don’t know the truth?”

  “Can you just enjoy the fucking ride?” he says as if he is annoyed with me. I exhale and take a breath. I don’t know how many breaths I can take to keep from exploding on his nonchalant, arrogant ass! Thank God I have been able to practice exercising my patience with Chris these past few weeks. Talking to him is useless at this point so I won’t say anything to him until I have the right words to say. I turn m
y attention towards the window, looking out over the city that I drove into with a vastly different man. My thoughts are interrupted when I hear him chuckle. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him with an amused grin on his face.

  “What happened to you?” he asks, amused.

  “I grew up. You should try it sometime.”

  He grins. “I think there is more to it than that.”

  “Don’t play psychiatrist with me if you don’t want me to play one with you,” I spit back at him.

  He laughs at that, but he doesn’t retort. That is a first. His silence is unexpected and a little unnerving.

  “Did you miss me?”

  These words surprise me, he even sounds sincere. My eyes trail over to him and for a moment I want to call a truce but we both have our walls up for our own reasons. “Of course I did.”

  “Did you miss me when you were with him?”

  I wonder if it’s always going to be like this—a contest between the two of them. I want to comment on it but I decide against it and I tell him the truth. “Especially when I was with him.”

  He looks over at me, a hint of disbelief lingering on his expression. Did my sleeping with Chris cause him to think that we have nothing, that my feelings for him are gone? There are so many questions I want to ask him but I know he won’t answer most of them, so I ask him the simplest while he’s in a talking mood.

  “Did you miss me?”

  There’s a long silence, and right when I think he’s not going to answer, he says, “Every day.” His tone is quiet and makes me smile but a sense of sadness washes over me. If he’s here, where is Chris now?

  “It used to be us before anything. Now it seems like that’s changed,” he says solemnly.

  “We have a daughter now. It can’t be like that anymore. Secrets almost destroyed us, Cal. We almost lost each other; I did lose you. I don’t want that to happen again.”