The Complete If I Break Series

by Portia Moore

  “You look beautiful… by the way,” he says matter-of-factly.

  “Thank you.” A few minutes pass, and I feel nervous, jittery, and completely vulnerable, as if I’m a child sitting at the adult table.

  “By the way, they know that we’re joining them. I remember what a surprise it was the last time you were my companion of the night. As long as you promise to keep those passionate outbursts in check tonight, we should be ok.” He counters, and I realize he’s referring to the time I slapped Helen. I hate that he knows so much.

  “No promises.” We pull up in front of the restaurant, behind cars as grand as the one we’re in. He gets out of the car, and I’m surprised when he opens the door for me and stretches out his hand. I look at him suspiciously.

  “I know that you aren’t used to being around a gentleman, but this is the part where you take my arm.” I scowl at him but grip his hand tightly and get out of the car. He takes my arm and in the same second tosses the keys to the valet person.

  “Just so you know both Cal and Chris are gentleman in their own ways,” I tell him tightly as we reach the door to the restaurant, which he makes sure to open for me. The hostess, a beautiful girl who can’t be more than twenty, smiles brightly up at him. Regardless of who he thinks himself to be, he’s still irritatingly handsome, and I must admit that there is something charming about Collin. He tells her our name, and she tells us to follow her upstairs to the center of the restaurant. Near the floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the lake is our table, and there awaits Dexter and Helen. My stomach drops at the sight of them. Dexter stands as we approach, and Helen looks over at us with a cautious smile. I can’t even manage to muster a fake one.

  “Lauren, Collin.” Hearing Dexter say his name makes my jaw tighten. “You look beautiful,” he adds attempting to kiss my cheek. A kiss I avoid quickly.

  “She’s not in the greatest mood,” Collin answers for me with that smug grin of his. Helen stands and allows Collin to kiss her on the cheek and glances at me quickly, as if she’s expecting me to pounce. It’s taking everything in me not to, but I take a deep breath and try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe just maybe they didn’t know about Collin, maybe he just called them up and introduced himself today. Collin pulls my chair out before sitting down himself.

  “We’ve taken the liberty of ordering wine already,” Dexter tells us. I quickly grab the bottle and pour. I turn to Collin.

  “So do you drink?” I ask snidely. I’m angry, angrier than I was earlier, angry that I have to sit here with these people who are looking at me as if I’m a case study. Hell, I am a walking and breathing one. How many men does it take to break Lauren Scott?

  “Not excessively,” he replies evenly. I roll my eyes at that comment before taking a sip that turns into a large gulp and then the entire glass.

  “Well, I plan on drinking enough for both of us,” I answer after I finish. He only chuckles shortly. I turn my attention to Helen and Dexter.

  “So, you’re all familiar with each other it seems. When did this happen?” I ask sarcastically. Helen clears her throat.

  “Collin and I met some time ago,” she says steadily.

  “Of course you did!” I laugh angrily.

  “I can understand you being upset,” Helen says having the audacity to sound empathetic.

  “Upset,” I cackle. “Oh, why would I be upset? It’s not as if you all haven’t lied and kept secrets about my husband since I’ve met you. Why would this be any different?”

  Before they can respond, a waiter has arrived. He reads off the specials, and what he suggests. Helen and Dexter order something that sounds exotic, expensive, and something I wouldn’t eat in a million years. Collin orders lobster, which is not surprising. I tell the waiter I won’t be dining tonight, even though I’m hungry. I refuse to eat with my enemies.

  “She’ll have the filet mignon medium well with sautéed spinach and the twice baked potato,” Collin tells the waiter.

  It’s exactly what I would have ordered if I were going to actually order. I should find it endearing, but instead, I’m annoyed by it. It’s just another reminder of how much these people know about me and how little I know about them. I listen to them make small polite talk, and it turns my stomach. I’m on my third glass of wine when Collin leans down near my ear; I hate my heart for speeding up.

  “I think you should slow down a bit sweetheart.”

  I turn to him with a sweet smile. “I’m not your sweetheart,” I say acidly. He takes in a sharp breath. For the first time this evening, he seems affected, and I smile to myself in satisfaction. For a while, I thought he was unrattable? Is unrattable a word? I giggle to myself.

  “Collin, how about we go to the bar for a quick drink,” Dexter suggests, and Collin looks a bit relieved. The tension at the table was unbearable before my second glass and is only a tad less now that I’m on my third glass.

  “I’d be happy to join you.” Collin stands adjusting his suit jacket. I roll my eyes. However I’m surprised when he leans down and his cheek touches mine. I scold myself for thinking how good he smells.

  “Don’t sit here stewing and getting drunk. If you want answers, ask the questions. These passive-aggressive tantrums you throw are never effective,” he whispers to me.

  My mouth falls open but before I can respond, he’s gone from the table. I narrow my eyes on him and Dexter as they leave. If I could, I’d burn a hole in his jacket because he doesn’t look back at me once.

  “Would it be presumptuous of me to ask how you’re doing?” I look over at Helen forgetting that she was here for a moment. My first thought is to grab my glass and pour another glass of wine and ignore her, but Collin’s words echo in my head.

  He’s right, I hate to admit it but he is, so instead, I grab the glass I haven’t touched all night and take a sip of water and look at Helen. She’s perfectly made up tonight, beautiful and sophisticated with the right hint of empathy and concern matching her perfectly manicured hands and upswept hair. At first look, she’s just a beautiful kept woman, but I’ve learned Helen is so much more than that. Cal was always right about her. It makes sense that she’s a doctor. She’s obviously a master manipulator, deceptively agenda-less, but I’m learning all the Crestfields have an agenda. Hell Scotts, Crestfields, and I’ve married into both.

  “I know that I haven’t been forthcoming with you.”

  I fold my arms across my chest.

  “You know Helen, I think my problem is that I’ve thought of you as a friend. If I take that title out of the equation, I can stop feeling betrayed and manipulated.”

  She nods, thankfully agreeing that she isn’t my friend and it stings a tiny bit but I appreciate her not patronizing me.

  “I think that would be best during his treatment.”

  “So has Collin updated you on all that’s happened,” I ask trying to keep my tone even. She nods.

  “He wants to start working with Crestfield Corporation,” Helen reveals, though it’s not much of a reveal because it doesn’t surprise me. I definitely couldn’t see Collin being a farmhand or high school teacher.

  “And exactly how would they all work that out?” I ask trying to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. I shake my head and lean forward feeling my throat tighten.

  “Things are not good. Cal is…. he’s not okay, and Chris was… not exactly himself, and Collin has popped up again. Things are not okay. What am I supposed to do, just smile and play pretend wife to Collin?” I ask hearing the desperation creep into my voice. I’m mad at Helen. I don’t trust her, but right now it’s as if she’s the only one that could offer any enlightenment into how this works.

  “I have a daughter that I have to get back to, and I really don’t want her involved in this… I don’t know what to call it. Less than three days ago my husband tried to kill a man, a day ago he exploded on his dad and threw him out. Not that he didn’t deserve it, but I am at a complete loss of what I should be doing!” My voice is panicke
d, and I’ve revealed more of what’s inside of me than I originally intended, but Helen looks on calm and collected, not the least bit surprised or rattled by the things I’ve told her. It actually feels good to say out loud what I’ve been holding in.

  “And this switching or, I’m sorry, transitioning that’s happening, it’s so taxing to say the least. Now there’s another person that I have to deal with, who is so different from Cal and Chris, and he’s so smug and self-satisfying which wouldn’t bother me so much if I didn’t feel so clueless,” I admit.

  “Out of the alters, Collin is probably the one who you can learn the most from, Lauren.”

  I glare at her. “I thought after everything that’s happened, with all the secrets being out, us knowing the reasons for what happened that…” I chuckle at my foolishness. “I just thought it would fix everything and it hasn’t, and now it makes me wonder if there will ever be a ‘fix.’” I admit.

  “If there wasn’t a solution, would you walk away?” Her eyes narrow on mine.

  Walk away, as if it’s that easy. I guess for some women it would be. I try to picture my life married to another man, a normal man. I don’t even know how I would function with someone normal, and even if I did choose to walk away, it’s not as if I could just walk away from this and never look back. He’s my daughter’s father. And aside from that, I love him—in the midst of the craziness, heartache, and pain—I love him with everything in me. Walking away is laughable and not an option.

  “No,” I answer her simply.

  “I think it’s important that you talk to someone.” Helen takes a sip of her water while I mentally run through the people closest to me in my life. Not one of them would understand. Not Raven, Angela, and especially not Hillary.

  “I mean a therapist,” she says reading my mind.

  “It doesn’t have to be me of course,” she adds quickly. I rub my temple, my brain hurts thinking about explaining all of this to someone else. I glance at her.

  “Would it be a conflict of interest if I did choose to see you… just to talk. I know you couldn’t tell me what happens with his sessions.”

  “No, and technically I’m not Chris’ doctor only Cal and Collin will talk to me.”

  “I’m really worried about them… him,” I shake my head. “I’d never seen Cal the way he was before Chris came out, and then Collin took over,” I sort of ramble. I drink more water trying to rinse the alcohol out of my system. I feel my thoughts becoming heavy and I need a clear head to discuss this with Helen.

  “And I don’t really know Collin, he’s a new person to get to know, and it’s weird being around him. Which I guess weirdness is obviously my new normal.”

  “Of the three, Collin seems to be the most reasonable. He acts less out of impulse and emotion. He’s the thinker. Again, this is my perception of him, since we have not spoken in a therapy session.”

  “He is the most calculating,” I retort, my eyes drawn to him at the bar where I see several women glancing his way.

  “More Crestfield,” she says, and our eyes meet in some sort of unspoken understanding. “They all seem to have different motivations. What will move one may not move the other. They all respond differently. Have you ever taken a psychology class?”

  “Yes, one in high school and college.”

  “So in the most basic class you learn about psychic apparatus, Freud’s theory of an individual’s mental construct or psyche. Do you remember what id is?” She looks at me questioningly.

  “Vaguely.”

  “Okay. Id is impulsive, uncoordinated instinctual behaviors, which would be…” she trails off waiting for me to answer.

  “Cal,” I guess quietly, and she nods.

  “Then we have the super-ego which is our morals, our values…” she explains.

  “Chris,” I answer, and she nods excitedly.

  “Then we have ego, which is the organized, realistic part of us that is the go-between of the desires of the id and the super-ego. Which would be…”

  “Collin,” I say, the realization dawning on me.

  “You can’t have one aspect of the personality without the others. Together they create balance. I will say if there is a hope for integration to be possible, Collin would be the key to that.”

  That statement alone causes my stomach and my head to drop.

  “Lauren,” her voice is authoritative and makes me look directly into her warm eyes.

  “I know that you love Cal. I know that you’ve grown to love Chris. I know that you don’t know Collin and he is very different from them, but he is every bit as much as your husband as Cal and Chris are. He is not an outsider or a guest star in your life, he’s a main player. To underestimate his significance or to attempt to alienate him would not be the smartest thing to do.”

  I think back to earlier in the shower when I told him I missed Caylen and he said that he did too. Then, I thought he just said it to make me believe he was Chris or Cal, for it to be a gotcha moment when I realized that he wasn’t them. Now I think he may have meant it, and if he loves Caylen, that makes this a lot easier. Our waiter arrives and starts laying out the food for us. Helen and I break our gaze, and instantly she’s back to being the beautiful Crestfield woman who is just out for a lovely dinner. My eyes watch Dexter and Collin as they head back toward the table. Two Crestfield men. I briefly look at Helen and realize if I’m going to stay in this game, I’ll have to upgrade from checkers to chess.

  It makes me nervous just thinking about it.

  The rest of dinner went by smoothly. I stayed quiet most of the time, and I did manage to clean my entire plate that I planned on not ordering. Collin did grin at that. I watched him closer than I had before. There are differences, aside from him being cleaner cut than Chris, and more manicured than Cal, he is extremely articulate. He’s also attentive. I catch him watching me on more than one occasion, though catch may be the wrong word because it’s not as if he was doing it in secret. I feel like all of his actions are deliberate and not without thought. He is polite and extremely well-mannered. Cal is all confidence and cockiness, he could give a shit about who liked him or not, and that came with a sort of arrogance, but Collin is different. There’s an air to him—the type that comes with people who grew up with money—that realizes the world is watching them. I could lie to say I’m not fascinated by it. How there are resemblances of both Chris and Cal that I caught that those two don’t share.

  Our ride back home is quiet, and this time instead of news radio he listens to smooth jazz, which surprises me.

  “It helps me think,” he says aloud as if reading my mind, “and I remember that you enjoyed it too.” I glance at him and close my eyes. I remember the last time he was here, he said that he knew a lot. From him ordering for me at dinner, he obviously knows a lot about me, but he knows details, facts, and history. He doesn’t know me… I’m more than just a list of facts. But I know better than to underestimate him, what he knows and doesn’t know. I slip off my heels that seem smaller since the last time that I wore them. I try to remember when that was. It was with Cal when we went to elegant restaurants that used to excite me when we first started dating. The upscale restaurants never stopped, but I valued our alone time more than being out when things started to crumble with his so-called “business trips” as he referred to them back then.

  “Can I ask you a question?” my voice is quiet and void of any resentment or sarcasm. I see his eyebrow lift ever so slightly.

  “Of course.”

  “You said earlier that you missed Caylen. Is that true or…”

  “I don’t have a reason to lie to you, remember I don’t have an agenda.”

  I frown a bit. “Everyone has an agenda. I’ve learned that the hard way.”

  “Well, mine doesn’t need you to be in the dark or require you to believe anything other than the truth.”

  I fight the urge to tell him that I don’t believe him, but I realize that isn’t going to get either of us anywhere.r />
  “I want to ask you something, and it might not go along with your “agenda,” but I think it would be good… for all of us.”

  I wait for him to give some type of indication, or tell me that he’s ok with my question but he doesn’t.

  “And you don’t have to answer yes or no right now, but I hope that you’d consider it.” I tell him reluctantly, and I see a small smile break on his face.

  “Okay,” he says.

  “I think we should go back and stay in Michigan with Mrs. Scott for a while,” I blurt out quick and look away from him once I say it. I think back to the time before I knew about his condition when I knew something was wrong. I had no clue and had asked him to go back to Raven’s with me. I remember thinking how much was riding on his answer. How much I needed him to say yes to give me faith back then, and how I knew if he said no that we were hopeless. This time it’s different. Now I know the truth. Now things have changed so much, and we’re both different people. This man is new and different, and in a way, I feel at his mercy. I know that Collin is set on taking over the Crestfield name and all that goes with it. I think he mainly wants money, and maybe the prestige. I can see Cal going along with that plan, but Chris definitely wouldn’t want any part of it—well the Chris I knew wouldn’t—but the Chris I saw last wasn’t anything like the Chris I knew.

  “I know you’re trying to take over the Crestfield Empire and what not,” I say trying to keep the sarcasm and disdain out of my voice.

  “I only want what’s owed to us. I’m securing financial stability not just for us but also for Caylen, and for Caylen's children. After everything, we’re owed that,” he says evenly.

  “I understand, but can you do that remotely for a little while?”

  “I will let you know.”

  The rest of the ride home is quiet and when we arrive Collin gets out and helps me out of the car. Even though I don’t need it, he makes sure to open every door for me. He’s gallant, but distant. I’m tired, and the wine from earlier hasn’t entirely worn off, so I head upstairs and strip out of my clothes and fall across the bed. I think about everything that’s happened over the past few days and exhale. I grab my phone and see that I have a ton of missed calls and texts from everyone including Mrs. Scott, Raven, and Mr. Scott. I decide to write a mass text to all of them letting them know that I’m okay and will call everyone tomorrow. I edit it to add ‘we’re’ okay.