by Portia Moore
I wake up to see Collin standing in front of me, fully dressed but this time in a tan sweater over a white-collared shirt and khakis. He looks like a model straight out of Ralph Lauren.
“If we’re going to get to Madison before noon, you should probably start preparing. I’d prefer an early start.”
And just like that, he leaves the room. I rub my eyes and to make sure I’m not dreaming I pinch myself.
Chapter 22
Lauren
I sleep most of the ride back to Madison. I want to make sure I’m well rested so that I won’t be tired when I see Caylen. I called Mrs. Scott and told her that we were coming, and thankfully she seemed better than the last few times I’ve talked to her. I can’t begin to imagine what is going on in her heart or replaying in her mind. If Cal had done to me what Mr. Scott had done to her, I don’t know what I would do. My eyes glide over him, thinking of how many times I’ve made this ride, with Caylen, alone, with Chris, with Cal. Where my thoughts were then, where they are now, how things have changed so much. Not just for me but for his entire family. How broken things are for all of us.
“Do you think it would be better if we didn’t tell her who I am?”
He’s been quiet the entire time I’ve been up. “What do you mean?”
“For Gwen. After everything that’s happened, maybe this isn’t the most appropriate time for you to introduce us,” he says in a joking tone.
“God I haven’t even thought about that.” I rub my temples, feeling the stress coming on again. I don’t know when would be the appropriate time to say, ‘Hey, Chris has checked out again, and this is Collin, another one of his personalities.’ Not only that, I’m pretty sure that no one’s told her about what has happened over the past few days. It will be a shock for her to know that her son is really Dexter Crestfield Sr.’s biological son and that he pulled a gun on the man he thought was his father. I don’t know if she’s even speaking with Mr. Scott yet. It would be so much easier for Collin to be Chris, for her to get the comfort of normalcy. My eyes glide over Collin. He’s wearing a white button-down collared shirt, pushed up slightly below his elbow and slacks. I don’t know if he could even pull Chris off dressed the way he is.
“No, keeping secrets haven’t been good for anyone in this family,” I let out a laugh, and he nods in agreement. I feel a sudden panic. What happens if this goes on forever? How would Caylen handle this? I take a deep breath and store that in the back of my mind to sort out later. Right now I focus on seeing her smile, hearing her little voice. At least a version of her father is here now, and I have to be grateful for that. Collin opens the door for me, and I feel butterflies in my stomach since his hand has landed on the small of my back. We walk toward the house. He slows his normally quick stride so that I can lead. We approach the front door, and I knock. I can hear music playing, some country song with a woman crooning away about heartache. I remember how I used to listen to sad opera music when Cal left me, and I fight the distant ache that used to settle in my heart.
“Hi!” Gwen’s voice is enthusiastic, and her smile is wide when she opens the door. The same warmness that’s always around her is still there, and I’m relieved.
She pulls me into a hug and holds me tight. I look behind me and see Collin has stood back at the bottom of the stairs. She looks past me, her eyes wide with excitement as she looks down at him.
“What are you doing down there, honey? I made your favorite for lunch so hurry inside.” She’s doing a good job covering up whatever pain she’s feeling.
“Hello, Gwen,” Collin says evenly, but there’s a hint of warmness and a bit of sympathy to his voice which I haven’t heard from him before. I guess Gwen holds a special place in all of their hearts. I watch her eyes squint, and they dart to me before landing back on him. Realization dawns on her face, and there is obvious confusion, but she hides it well.
“Cal?” she asks with a small smile.
“Not exactly,” I walk into the kitchen, and I hear Collin follow behind me. She closes the door behind us, and we stand around awkwardly for a second.
“Hi, Gwen. I’m Collin,” he says, keeping one hand in his pocket and extending the other out to her. I see her swallow hard and her eyes widen, her eyes meet mine and I nod and smile. She lets out a nervous laugh.
“Oh.” She says biting her lip. Collin puts his outstretched hand back in his pocket.
“I understand that this can be quite a shock for you.” Gwen looks frozen for a moment, but then she smiles widely before shaking her head and giving him a big bear hug. After a half of a second, he hugs her back.
“I’m so glad you’re here.” Her eyes are closed tightly while holding him. I can’t imagine what she’s thinking, but I guess considering the circumstances, she’s glad that he’s home—here and safe—and in this moment I am too, especially after the events that just transpired. Collin looks over at me, and I give him a genuine smile. After a minute, she lets him go and wipes the wetness from her eyes.
“Well, do you like smothered pork chops and mashed potatoes?” she asks.
“I do.” Collin flashes a wide, charming smile, and I can’t help but blush.
“Great! Great.” She repeats to herself rubbing her palms on her thighs.
“How about you and I go check on Caylen?” Collin says to me.
“Yes, that’s a great idea, and I’ll set the table,” Gwen smiles. “She’s in her room.”
“Okay, we’ll be back.” Collin and I quickly leave the room, and I can imagine her letting out a big sigh of relief that things went so well when we leave.
“That wasn’t so bad right?” I whisper as we cross the house to Caylen’s room.
“As compared to what?” he asks smugly. I roll my eyes.
“Well, she could have fainted,” I laugh. I open the door to Caylen’s room, and I feel so much stress melt off me just seeing her. Tears immediately come to my eyes, and it’s the first moment in a week where I’ve been truly happy. She sleeps on her back and looks so peaceful just like her dad. Her dark, curly hair is in two pigtails, and I lean over and give her a kiss on the forehead.
“Mommy’s missed you so much sweetheart,” I whisper. “I’m sorry I’ve been gone.”
“I have to take the blame for that princess.” He kisses her on the cheek and puts his hand on hers. He squats down next to me and looks at her the same way Chris did.
“She’s the best thing we’ve ever done.” I can’t help but smile at this, and I put my hand on his. He looks at me a little surprised, and I’m surprised myself actually. I won’t say that it feels right, but it doesn’t feel as awkward as I thought it would be, even though he sort of flinched when I put my hand on his at first. What if Collin doesn’t like me? What if he secretly hates me? I could see Jenna being more of his type, but that’s neither here or there. Only happy thoughts now.
“I’m starving!” I say standing quickly. He does the same and gestures to the door.
“Ladies first.” I smile tightly before heading to the kitchen.
I wonder what Mrs. Scott is thinking. Her eyes are glued to Collin, and she’s been awkwardly silent for a woman whose marriage just imploded, and now her son’s alternate personality is sitting down for dinner with her.
“This is so good,” I say trying to fill the awkward silence.
“It’s delicious,” Collin adds.
“Oh thank you,” she smiles nervously. “Would you mind calling me mom?” she asks hesitantly. He smiles again, and I’m reminded of Chris.
“No, not at all.” I’m shocked by how warm he is with her.
“Good,” she lets out a relieved sigh. “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but… where is Chris? Is there a reason that you’re here and not Cal?” she asks cautiously.
Collin looks over at me, almost as if asking for permission to answer honestly.
“Was it because of… what happened… what Will did…” her voice is lower and audibly shakier.
“When was the la
st time you spoke to him?” I ask hesitantly.
Her eyes fall. “He calls every day and leaves a message. I’m just not ready right now,” she says almost apologetically.
“It’s all in your own timing,” I squeeze her hand from across the table. She smiles but tears come to her eyes.
“Would you excuse me?” She stands from the table and quickly leaves the room.
“Maybe it’s best that we don’t tell her everything that happened at this particular moment,” Collin says quietly, and I nod in agreement.
The rest of the day is relatively quiet. Everyone is left alone with their own thoughts. Luckily Caylen drowns out so many of mine. She’s so happy to see me, clinging to me the last few hours of the day. Mrs. Scott disappears into her bedroom, I assume giving us our private time alone with Caylen or maybe making sure her emotions are in check before joining us. Collin has disappeared into Chris’s… or his old bedroom. When I walk past, he’s on the laptop and or cell phone, obviously trying to accomplish. His work is diligent, and he speaks with confidence and authority… so Crestfield-esque. The brief moments when he joins Caylen, and me he reminds me of Chris—gentle, kind, and not so stuffy. I think of how much time Cal has missed with our daughter. I think of how much I miss him—even with him making an extremely bad decision of trying to kill his dad, or who he thought was his dad—how broken he was when he realized everything that had happened to him as a child. How does anyone handle that? How does someone not blame himself even though he absolutely shouldn’t? As I hold Caylen in my arms, I think about how a mother could be so vile, so selfish, and hateful. How much further her actions reached beyond herself. Did she think it would hurt Dexter Sr.? From what Clayton told us, he didn’t so much as blink when he came and whisked his son away. How do you walk away from your child after that, when they need you the most? Growing up with the Scotts is probably a lot better than if he grew up as a Crestfield. Dexter Sr. gave me the creeps. Not in a perverted kind of way but in a way where you can sense someone’s desire for power, can almost hear the wheels clinking in their head. Collin has a bit of that same presence to him. I hate that he wants to be so involved in that world. I’d prefer to be as far from it as possible.
“Knock knock.” I turn to see Mrs. Scott at the door. Her long red hair is pulled into a low ponytail. Her eyes are wide and bright but puffy. I wonder how much she’s cried today.
“Hi,” I say cheerfully. She comes in and sits beside me and Caylen on the floor. Caylen keeps trying to eat the Play-Doh instead of making the cake I’ve been sculpting.
“She loves this stuff.” She laughs while taking a red piece and kneading it in her hands. “I’m going to be making dinner soon. Is there anything special you wanted… or you think that Collin would like?”
“Whatever you make will be great. You’re an amazing cook.”
“It helps to take my mind off things. Caylen did a great job of that too.” She twirls her finger around one of Caylen’s pigtails.
“I’m glad. I know she’s had a great time.”
“Has Will tried to reach out to Chris?” she asks steadily keeping her eyes on the Play-Doh Caylen’s been kneading.
I swallow the nervous lump in my throat. “Yeah, I actually called him…” I say feeling traitorous. Her eyebrows rise ever so slightly, but she doesn’t immediately ask for an explanation.
“There were some things that happened with Chris and I didn’t know who else to call.” She looks slightly hurt at my admission. “Not that I wouldn’t call you. It’s just after everything that happened, I didn’t want to put anything else on you,” I explain quickly.
“You can call me anytime you need me, Lauren. I know I haven’t exactly been myself but I took care of myself and two grown men while dealing with cancer. This won’t be the death of me.” She smiles but her voice is stern, and I nod letting her know that I understand.
“So what exactly happened? Why did you call him?” She asks, and I begin to tell her everything that happened. When I finish, tears are coming down both of our eyes. She shakes her head in disbelief.
“What type of woman would do that to her child?!” Gwen’s anger beats out her sadness.
“I know.”
“And Dexter. Ugh,” she growls. “I can’t believe William never told me.” Her lips are pressed together, and I realize that this situation isn’t going to bring them any closer.
“He said that Mr. Crestfield made him sign a confidentiality agreement,” I tell her hoping to soften the blow a bit. She lets out an angry sigh.
“I shouldn’t be surprised though, after everything that has happened.” She laughs bitterly. I pick up Caylen and hold her close to me before she wiggles out of my arms, her dollhouse now the receiver of her attention.
“My poor boy,” she says quietly, her thoughts obviously going back to the little boy that arrived on her doorstep all those years ago. “I’m so angry I feel warm!”
“Poor Cal, poor Chris… Collin.” She shakes her head and covers her face. “How are you doing, honey?”
“I’m doing,” I chuckle, and she nods sympathetically. “I’m more worried about him.” I admit looking toward the door as if he’ll show up.
She lets out a deep sigh and shakes her head. “Me and Will really screwed this up. We didn’t have a clue what to do, but it looks like we made all the wrong choices.” She starts to cry a little harder, and Caylen walks over to her looking in curiosity. She laughs and hugs her. I get up and grab a box of Kleenex taking one for myself and handing the box to her.
“Things could be worse.” I shrug, and she starts to laugh and I laugh too because it seems unlikely that it could be but things always could.
“Is he nice to you?” she asks after we both come down from our laughter.
I think for a moment. “He is actually,” I tell her honestly. “We haven’t been around each other long, but, I can’t say that he’s been mean…” I trail off, and she waits for me to continue.
I shrug. “He’s just so different and… new,” I say quietly. “Just kind of when I got over the get to know you hump,” I joke and she smiles.
“I’m glad William was there for you.”
A moment passes.
“He misses you, and he looks terrible,” I say honestly, knowing it probably won’t make her feel better.
“I’m sure he does. I just keep thinking about how arrogant I was. Thinking how superior I was to women I knew who’d been cheated on. Thinking that they chose the wrong man, or they let the spark go, or they couldn’t have really been in love. How that would never happen to me,” she shakes her head and laughs.
“I thought my love was enough.”
My heart breaks for her and I’m quiet not knowing what to say, how to comfort her. We all hope that, we have no choice but to believe anything else.
“I’m going to go get dinner started,” she says pushing herself off the floor. I start to tidy things up in the room from the big mess Caylen made. She follows Mrs. Scott out of the room.
“It’s fine, it’s become our ritual,” Mrs. Scott scoops her up in her arms and carries her to the kitchen. I make my way up the stairs to Chris’s room, remembering the first day I walked through it. How I was able to peep into a life that I’d never saw glimpses of before. The door is cracked open, and I see Collin on the phone pacing back and forth with the phone to his ear. His movements are smooth, his stare concentrated but not stressed. He glances at me and smiles. Whenever any of them smile, they have the ability to make a girl swoon. He puts up his finger to say give me one sec, and then tells whoever is on the line that they’ll connect later and hangs up. He walks toward me, his eyes on mine.
“You wanted to talk to me?” We’re only inches apart, and being near him makes my pulse race and my memory go to places they shouldn’t right now. He smells good, like Cal having used his shampoo and wash and for a moment I forget why I’m here. My thoughts taking me to moments of the past.
“Dinner. Mrs. Scott is mak
ing dinner,” I say hating my voice for being weak. He looks at me amused and resembles Cal in this moment more than he ever has before. For a moment I wonder if this is a trick, if this is really the man I’ve always known and fell in love with. Especially when he tilts his head to the side and with a hint of a smile looks into my eyes and asks me if I’m okay. No, I’m not okay. This is so freakin' confusing, and I miss him so much.
“Yeah,” I lie. “You’ve been working a lot.” I try to change the subject.
He nods. “That’s sort of what I do.”
“Right,” I stuff my hands in the pocket of my jeans, and glue my eyes to my shoes. It’s starting to become too hard to look at him without wanting to kiss him. But he’s not Cal, and surely not Chris. He’s Collin, and I’m not even sure if he’s attracted to me… not that him being so should be a priority with as much going on as it is.
“How long did you plan on staying here?” he asks me and I shrug, feeling like a high school girl with a crush on her teacher.
“Well, I just think it’s important for me to start seeing Helen.” I look up at him in shock. He smiles widely, then steps a bit closer to me, and I hold my breath.
“I’m not your enemy Lauren, if anything I’m your asset. I want what you want.”
“Which is…?” I search his eyes, the eyes that can reveal so much and so little about him.
He leans down near my ear. “For us to exist as a whole.” His lips graze my cheek before leaving the room.
Family dinners shouldn’t make you nervous, but we haven’t exactly had a good track record with them. It’s hard not to shake the feeling of dread that’s lurking in the back of my mind regardless of how good the food is. It feels less tense than it was earlier, but I guess it would be for a woman to meet another segment of her son. Caylen being here has helped the awkwardness in the room as well. Laughing and spitting out random words she’s picked up. What’s the most shocking to me is how smitten she is with Collin and he with her. He just didn’t seem like someone who would take to a child. I catch him making funny faces at her, and she bursts into giggles which make us all do the same. It’s especially funny how serious he looks in between his goofs for her laughter.
