The Complete If I Break Series

by Portia Moore

  “You can tell me anything, Lauren.” He smiles softly, his tone more serious sounding and more like the man I’ve gotten to know these past few weeks.

  “Can I?” I ask teasingly. His hand slides down my waist, and he pulls me over to him, but just beside him, not on top. Our faces are only inches apart, but he doesn’t kiss me. My heart speeds up, and the prickles travel up my spine, in a way that only he can do. A way that makes me excited and anxious but nervous—they way one feels on a roller coaster seconds before the giant drop happens.

  “You’re safe with me.” His words cause my chest to tighten. They’re heavy and serious when I’ve been trying to keep the moment light and playful. His words grab my heart and squeeze it. I bite my lip and hold in the sigh that’s trying to get out because there was a small part of me that believed that this was just about sex—a request for intimacy from me that he wanted fulfilled—but the way his eyes are looking into mine, it seems deeper than that and more real than that. It’s unexpected and terrifies me, but it’s exactly how I feel right now and a part of me hates myself for it, especially when he wraps me in his arms and it’s the best I’ve felt in a long time. The little spot inside my heart is growing and the voice inside my head I drowned out last night and this morning is saying that I should feel guilty.

  “Good Morning.” When I see Raven sitting in the living room with Caylen, I feel my cheeks heat up. It’s closer to early afternoon than morning.

  “Good morning.” I give her and Caylen a quick kiss. “What time did Collin leave?” I ask grabbing a juice from the fridge.

  “About a half hour ago. That man sure can wear a suit,” she laughs and I can’t help but join in.

  “He can, can’t he?” I joke sitting down at the table in the kitchen and she joins me.

  “How did last night go?” She has a knowing smile on her face, and I try my best to contain mine.

  “It was great. Really great.” I go for an honest answer, but I regret how solemn my voice sounds.

  “Well, tell me about it.” She seems excited for me, and I appreciate that from her because I know this situation is extremely worrying to her. I go through the details, well the PG-13 ones.

  “Wow, a gallery space,” she exclaims, this time genuinely excited.

  “Yeah, I know. I was so shocked.”

  “That’s fantastic, sweetie.” She squeezes my hands.

  “It is, isn’t it?”

  “Of course, I think it’s great. When is the last time you’ve done a painting?”

  “Wow, at least two maybe three years,” I sigh sadly.

  “A drawing?” she asks, and I shrug embarrassed.

  “Other than a doodle here and there, about the same,” I say and she frowns.

  “Lauren, you used to love it. I can’t believe it’s been that long!”

  “I did, I still do. It’s just life got in the way…” I trail off knowing it’s still not an excuse.

  “Well, that’s changing, right?” She gives me an encouraging nudge.

  “Yeah, I hope so.”

  “What’s wrong?” she asks, her expression scrunching up in worry.

  “I don’t know. When I think of all the work that comes along with it…” I admit.

  “It’s all good work though!”

  “Absolutely.” I agree.

  “Then what’s wrong with you?”

  “Nothing's wrong.”

  “Lauren, I know you better than that and I know that something is wrong.” She says sternly.

  “I-I just wonder if it the right time with all that’s going on,” I shrug.

  She nods slightly in understanding. There are a few moments of silence. “So Collin…” she starts, and I fight myself from rolling my eyes. “It was a big decision for him to purchase the space for you. And he’s working quite a bit… where?" she asks and I laugh.

  “Where Cal worked.” I can’t help how my chest tightens when I say his name. I have tried to shut him out of my mind and my thoughts. I have tried to ignore the tightening sensation in my chest when I think of him. Raven’s hand slides across the table and takes mine; emotions that I’m trying to hold in the pit of my stomach revealed in the cracks of the stone face I’ve been trying to hold.

  “How are you doing with all of this? Really?” she asks.

  “I’m fine.” I take my hand from hers and quickly gulp the remainder of my juice, hoping to also swallow the emotions trying to rear themselves up.

  She eyes me with disbelief. “Really?”

  “Yes.” My comment is hard and short and from the small sigh she lets out, I hope she’ll drop it.

  “Okay,” she says with only a hint of snippiness before she stands.

  “I think I’ll take Caylen for a walk,” she announces huffily before leaving the kitchen area. She scoops up Caylen and heads to her room. I stare at the half-empty glass of orange juice and wipe away the two tears that fall from my eyes into it.

  Chapter 24

  Collin

  I should have counted on this to happen. He’s impulsive, selfish, and completely unreasonable. It’s not a surprise that he’s gone quiet but that he’s been so successful at doing it, that does surprise me. I knew there would be a risk in being with Lauren, but Cal has to know that without me being his ally, he’s more impotent than Chris is. I’m the reason why he knows when Chris will take over, why he knows as much as he does. For him to shut me out, to not talk to me is laughable. He is childish, temperamental, and rash and this is the reason he can’t be the boss he so badly craves to be.

  “Nothing yet?” Helen’s voice echoes in my ear.

  I shift in my seat and try to concentrate more, but there’s nothing. I haven’t heard from him since that night when Lauren chose me.

  “I know you’re there, Cal. I know you’re upset, so stop behaving like a child and talk to me.” I mentally shout at him in my head.

  “I just need more time,” I tell Helen when I tune back in with her in our session. Her face is blank only wearing her usual neutral smile, but I can tell that she’s curious as to why this is taking so long. I’m sure the wheels are turning in her head coming up with a theory for it all before she’s even spoken to me.

  “Okay.”

  I’ve been tuning in trying to reach him, but I’ve had no success. I thought he’d at least try in our sessions to cooperate remembering that we’re on the same team, but again I’ve given him too much credit.

  “Calvin, I understand you’re upset, but I told you when this happened with Chris that it was inevitable. Lauren is lonely and she loves us. I know you’re not happy about us making love…”

  “Making love?” his voice cracks through my skull.

  Finally, he’s talking, that’s the first step but from his tone, I can tell this conversation isn’t going to be civil.

  “You’re such a fucking pussy.”

  “She loves us… You’re delusional. Lauren doesn’t love you or Chris. Though he’s further up the totem pole than you are.” He laughs condescendingly.

  “Right. She loves you, Cal, just you,” I reply unable to contain my sarcasm.

  “You’re supposed to be the ‘logical one’, but now since you’re in the driver seat you aren’t thinking straight. You know it’s me she loves, who she wants, who she’d choose.”

  I let out a deep breath. “It isn’t about choosing, Cal and you know that. How many times do I have to explain this to you? We are inevitably going to be one, not three, one… she loves us not just you.”

  “You think because you read my daughter Harry Potter and got Lauren a place for her gallery—that was my idea in the first place—that she’s falling for you? You’re a pathetic shitty fill-in for me. Everything you know about her is because of me. You’re worse than Chris— you’re a parasite.” I hear bitter laughter in my ear. “No, you’re a fucking psychopath. You mimic emotion because you don’t feel it. You don’t even have your own personality. You’re a knockoff of Dexter!”

  I swallo
w hard, knowing that this is what Cal does. He gets underneath people’s skin by insulting them, taking away their power by causing them to react emotionally. I’m just not used to him directing his insults at me.

  “You have every right to your opinion Cal, but you forget that we’re on the same team… and I’m the coach, you’re just a player…” I probably shouldn’t have added the last part, but he’s so snide sometimes that I just want to retaliate back.

  “What are they saying,” Helen asks, and I wonder if I’m not doing a good job as I thought being unreadable.

  “Listen, you arrogant little fucker. I never thought you’d cross me. That was my bad, my screw up…” He laughs. “But you know better than to screw my wife. I thought we were a team. Do you think I’m going to let that slide?”

  “Collin?” Helen asks urgently.

  “You’re supposed to be neutral—you don’t do what we do! Aren’t you better, supposedly superior? You’re a piece of shit, that’s what you are… I’m warning you, touch her again, it's war.”

  I laugh at him. “Well, in that case, you won’t know what you can’t see. You’re on time-out.”

  “What the fuck does that mean, if you…!”

  I open my eyes. “I’m shut out,” I tell Helen. She’s sitting in front of me with a strained look on her face. She’s good at hiding her feelings under veiled expressions, but I know she’s annoyed.

  “That’s never happened before,” she says quietly.

  I stand from my seat and walk to the window and pretend to be distracted with the people below us, but instead, Calvin’s words echo through my mind. Not just the insults, but also the insinuation behind them. He’s upset and reckless, and I’ll have to keep him at bay, which means letting Chris out in order to contain him.

  “I know. They’re just being stubborn,” I tell her returning to my seat.

  “Has something changed?”

  I don’t lie to Helen. It’s never been in my interest to but she’s not going to like what I have to tell her and it’s always in my best interest to tell Helen things that she likes to hear. Seeing as she’s the one person that can eventually fix us, it’s hard to not be less than transparent with her than I’d like.

  “Calvin is upset because Lauren and I had sex.” I notice her eyes widen just the tiniest bit. She nods as if taking in what I just said and crosses her legs shifting in her seat. She knows Calvin and sometimes I get an inkling that she likes him the most of all of us. She never got a chance to know Chris as he finds her repugnant, and I know I am the most forthcoming with her—the most useful when it comes to providing her solutions and information—but she knew Calvin first. Sometimes people, even those who understand emotions better than most, are swayed by that as if the first is better.

  “Now things are becoming clearer,” she says simply with a half-smile. “I can imagine how that’s going over with Cal.”

  “Exactly as you’d think.”

  “So, he’s refusing to talk or is it that he’s talking too much?”

  “He’s not saying anything of use, and I don’t think he’ll be cooperating in our sessions, so I’m shutting him out for now.”

  “And you think that would be the most appropriate thing at this point, Collin?” She narrows her eyes at me.

  “I believe it is. He’ll calm down eventually.”

  She lets out a deep sigh. “Cal needs treatment, Collin. He has to be able to cope with the memories that’s resurfaced.”

  I look at her blankly. She acts as if I’m a new guest to this party.

  “He keeps having dreams of that night…. he says that with each dream there is something different each time. Sometimes the room is different, the color of his mother’s hair, her dress…” Helen says and I’m bored.

  “It’s because he’s having trouble coming to the conclusion that what happened really did happen, Helen.” I am irritated and it’s creeping out in my tone.

  “Well, him being able to cope with the series of events is essential for all of you. If he doesn’t work this out…”

  “He won’t resurface if I don’t let him.”

  The corner of her eyes crinkle. “You don’t know what problems that could create, Collin. It seems as if you’re acting more out of emotion.”

  “I’m acting out of what’s best for us. I always do.” I remind her.

  “Well, Cal shutting you and me out isn’t what’s best for anyone. I need to continue to speak with him, Collin. He has to process these emotions, memories, and he has to heal,” she urges, and I try to keep the last thread of my patience.

  “Helen, he’s a grown man, he’s not a six-year-old boy.”

  “And that’s exactly who I want him to remain, Collin. You guys can barely get along with each other, and the last thing I would want is for any of you to have to nurture a six-year-old,” she says pointedly.

  “Look, the last thing on Calvin’s mind at the moment is healing. He’s angry with me, and that makes him reckless, so this is for the best. Besides, he knows that without me he’s as powerless as Chris.”

  “And you without him?” She counters, and her smile is on the edge of sly and suppressed.

  I smile widely at her. “You know, I think out of all of us we have the clearest understanding wouldn’t you say?”

  She tilts her head as if examining me as a new personality altogether. “My understanding is that I’m a neutral party in this, Collin. I am an ally of each of you and my purpose is to have all of you live the best life available to you.” Her answer is smooth but practiced and mechanical and I’m insulted that she thinks that her reply is something that would work with me.

  I lean forward a bit in my chair “I think I’ve been a great help to you,” I stand and fold my arms.

  “You’ve been very proactive with your treatment, I’d never deny that.”

  I chuckle. “What is it like being married to Dexter?” I ask, and her eyes perk up, obviously thrown off by my question.

  “I’m sorry?” She covers her confusion well.

  “To be someone who had so much potential? At the top of your class, a brilliant mind in your field and the day you married him, all of your accomplishments suddenly overshadowed by a family name that you couldn’t hope to climb from underneath,” I say quietly, and her smile fades a bit.

  “Well, it seemed nearly impossible until Dexter Jr. let you in on our little secret…”

  Her eyes narrow in on mine. “Are you implying that I have some sort of vested interest in your case?”

  “No I’m not saying that at all,” I tell her as our eyes meet. I walk to the window feeling her eyes on me. “The opportunity to legitimize a disorder that so many scoff at. Or to create a new treatment entirely, maybe even something that would replace integration…now that…that could be something.”

  “So I ask you again. I have been very beneficial to you, wouldn’t you say that?” I ask her and she nods, but the tension in the room has changed, and the curtain has gone up from her little production.

  “I am the glue, the coach of the team, the conductor behind the orchestra, so let’s say you were looking to gain recognition or acclaim off our little problem, make the best out of our unfortunate circumstance that your brilliant mind helped fix. You’d need me… hypothetically.” I give her a charming grin.

  “You can’t depend on Cal, his own wife can’t do that. Chris, well, we all know he’s about as clueless as a toddler. I would just think if I were a brilliant woman such as yourself, I’d place my bets with someone who thinks more logically than the others.”

  “I think our session is up. Would you like me to extend it?” she asks tightly as I refuse.

  “No, I think we’ve covered enough for today.” We walk to the door, and she opens it for me.

  “I could have gotten that,” I smile at her and she smiles back her own just as charming.

  “Next week then?”

  “Next week,” I kiss her cheek and she squeezes my arm.

  W
e have an understanding.

  We better.

  “Oh my gosh this is freakin’ unbelievable,” Angela squeals as we finish our tour of the gallery. For the past three weeks I’ve spent my days here, meeting with designers, trying to locate artists, all the fun stuff to get the gallery opened. Collin took care of the boring parts as far as paperwork, taxes, etc. It feels so good to be back working, having something that’s just mine.

  “I’m still sort of in awe of it all,” I admit.

  Angie is beaming and takes my hand. “You worked for this. After everything that’s been going on, you deserve it.”

  It’s been three weeks since Collin brought me here, and back then it was already in move-in ready condition. Now my furniture has arrived and I have a large, sleek, white desk in my office. The actual gallery where we’ll showcase the work is sparse but the lighting is phenomenal. It should be because it cost more than anything else I’ve spent money on. Next month I’ll be opening the gallery and featuring two artists I worked with in school.

  “It’s just surreal that it’s all happening and so fast.” I still feel like I’m in a dream. After not working other than freelance editing here and there since college, to be doing something I only dreamed about just a few years ago is surreal.

  “But it should have happened a long time ago.” She loops arms with me as we sit on the new couch I just ordered. I smile and rest my head on her shoulder.

  “I’m so glad you’re here. I missed you so much.” I squeeze her arm. I haven’t seen Angela in months, with her being knee-deep in finishing her master’s program and all of the crap that fell out of the sky on me.

  “I know! You wouldn’t believe the amount of paper work I have to do for each client and with my graduate assistantship, and classes—things are insane!” She whines, but her eyes are bright and she looks so happy.