by Portia Moore
“With everything that happened when Cal left, I never really took advantage of the position that he left me in. I wasted a lot of time, sulking… and yes it was probably needed but… I don’t want that for you.” She stops and I look into her eyes and see how genuine she is. I kiss her on the forehead and hold her tighter, and let out a sigh of relief when she hugs me back.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Scott. Dr. Lyce is on a phone call, but after that, she’ll be right with you,” Helen’s receptionist tells us. She’s warm and friendly as if she knows me, but she doesn’t know me. She knows them… or I guess she probably could have been told about me. It’s strange to have someone know about my condition that is a stranger.
“Can you let her know Lauren will be joining us for our session,” I add and her eyes widen in surprise.
“Oh, okay. I’ll be sure to let her know,” she promises me with a smile. I leave the desk and take my seat next to Lauren who is smiling widely at me.
“How much do you want to bet that Helen flips when she finds out I’m coming?” She grins.
“Well, she’s just going to have to deal with it,” I tell her with a shrug.
“Thanks for sharing this with me, Chris.”
“There’s no secrets between us. I don’t ever want there to be.” Lauren smiles even wider, and I think this might come close to topping Collin’s grand gesture of purchasing the gallery.
“Christopher, she’s ready for you,” the receptionist calls me. I stand and Lauren hesitates a minute.
“Come on,” I tell her and she grins again and follows behind me to Helen’s office. Helen sits behind her desk as we both walk in. If she’s surprised or annoyed, she doesn’t show it. Lauren closes the door behind us.
“I’m so glad to see you again Christopher. Good to see you too, Lauren,” she says as we both sit down.
“Always a pleasure, Helen.” Lauren’s tone is on the brink of sarcastic and that makes me smile.
Helen asks if we’d like something to drink and we both decline. “Well let’s get right to it then shall we?”
Lauren rubs her thighs and I get comfortable in my seat. This is the first time I’ve been both excited and nervous before a session. I used to just feel tons of dread when I used to see Helen back when I thought my disorder was strictly neurological.
“How are you feeling today?” I swallow hard and smile over at Lauren. I let out a small breath and prepare to be open-minded. I’ve gotten so used to having my guard up with Helen, but with Lauren here I’m reminded that I have backup and more importantly that I need to try to make this work for her and our daughter.
“Better than I thought I would. I was able to see my mom this morning.”
“That’s great. How was it seeing her again?”
“It’s always good to see my mom.”
“Mrs. Scott is great. She’s been so helpful with everything,” Lauren expands. Helen turns her attention to Lauren.
“When you say with everything, you mean Chris’s transitions?” Helen asks her pointedly. I look at Lauren who nods.
“Does it make you uncomfortable to say the word transition, Lauren?” Lauren pauses a minute and glances at me. I look back at Helen unsure if me looking at her makes her nervous.
“Not uncomfortable just…” she shifts in her seat. “I’m not used to saying it,” Lauren responds with a shrug.
“It’s perfectly okay to refer to what’s happening as it is. One thing I’d like both of you to work on is not being ashamed or embarrassed about what happens.” Helen looks at both of us.
“I’m not embarrassed of his condition,” Lauren says her voice slightly on edge.
“I didn’t say that you were,” Helen retorts quickly. I swallow hard, feeling my face redden.
“I wouldn’t blame you if you were, Lauren. I’m embarrassed by it,” I admit.
“Admitting it is a really good step,” Helen says.
“Chris, I’m not embarrassed of your condition,” Lauren says adamantly.
“Christopher, why do you feel embarrassed,” Helen asks me. I’m quiet for a moment.
“It’s not normal.”
“In our last session we discussed that dissociating is something that everyone does just to varying degrees,” Helen reminds me and I nod.
She looks toward Lauren. “Daydreaming is an example of such.”
“I know, but they don’t have this disorder,” I tell her.
“So it’s not the fact that you dissociate. It’s more so the lack of control with you not recalling your actions while you dissociate,” she says and I nod. “And we’re going to be actively working on that.”
“What do you mean?” Lauren asks.
“There are many techniques Christopher can employ that can help him to have more control over dissociating and strategies we’re going to be using so that he can be co-conscious,” Helen tells her with a small grin.
“That’s amazing,” Lauren says enthusiastically.
“Also, you can be a partner to him in making sure when he does dissociate, he is reminded of the things he doesn’t recall he’s a part of. We discussed that at our last session,” Helen says, and I see Lauren’s smile falter the smallest amount.
“We talked about it yesterday, the calendar, and journaling,” I tell her and she nods.
“Are you comfortable with that? Sharing with Chris the things that happens while he’s away?”
I see Lauren start to squeeze her wrists—her giveaway that she’s nervous or uncomfortable.
“Anything I can do to help I will,” she replies, but her voice is shaky.
“Does that make you uncomfortable?” Helen asks. She definitely looks uncomfortable.
“Why would it be uncomfortable?” she says tightly, her eyes on Helen.
“It would only be uncomfortable if you continue to see Chris, Collin, and Cal as separate entities.”
“But that’s how they see each other,” Lauren responds quietly. Her cheeks have flushed pink.
“Our goal is for Chris to grow beyond that. It’s a crutch.” Helen says sternly. Lauren looks at me.
“I’ve explained to Chris that they are different sides to his personality. They are not individual people and in order to move forward in his treatment, he has to understand that.” Helen’s stare is now directed at me. Lauren and I glance at each other. We had this idea that we’d control these sessions and tag team Helen, but right now it’s feeling like we’re kids sitting in the principal’s office.
“It would make things easier for the both of you. Especially you Lauren,” she says her attention now back on Lauren, who’s sunken further into her seat. “Do you feel guilty being intimate with Christopher and Collin?” Helen asks and my mouth falls open. Lauren’s face is bright red now, and her eyes are shooting daggers at Helen. Now I’m looking at Lauren too. Does she feel guilty about being with me? I never thought that she would because I’m the real person. I can see her feeling guilty about Collin, which she should be if she has.
“You’ve slept with Collin?” The words come out of my mouth quickly. She glances at me, guilt written all over her face, and I try to hide my annoyance, my disappointment.
“You were gone two months, Chris…” she mutters and my jaw clenches.
“These are the issues that arise if you continue to distinguish yourself from them, Christopher.” Lauren turns toward me but I keep my gaze on Helen.
“Do you feel guilty about sleeping with me?” I ask her, and she turns toward me her eyes wide but full of confusion. She’s confused which gives me my answer. I laugh, unable to hide my bitterness and rest my head in my hands.
“Was it not your body, Chris?” Helen asks. I don’t answer her. I know what her point is, but it doesn’t help me feel any better. The fact that she feels guilty about sleeping with me is more of the issue than her sleeping with Collin.
“We’ve got some serious issues.”
“It’s not that I feel guilty,” Lauren says her voice full of gui
lt.
“After everything he’s done, you’re still loyal to him?” I ask her and she drops her head to her chest and I shake my head at the turn of events that just happened.
“I think you both are missing the point of me bringing this up,” Helen interrupts us.
“What was the point of this, Helen?” Lauren asks sharply.
“Unless you take a vow of celibacy, this is an issue that you both have to work out,” Helen tells her emphatically.
“Can I speak to you privately, Helen. Just for a moment,” Lauren asks quietly. “If you don’t mind, Chris.”
“Take all the time you need.” I need some fresh air. Before I leave the room, I look back at Lauren who is looking at me but with a look that she’s sorry. I don’t want her apology, and I don’t want her to feel guilty either. Cal or Collin don’t deserve anyone’s guilt.
The moment Chris closes the door I feel my chest untighten. I get up from my seat and stand in front of her desk.
“Why would you ask me that in front of him!” I shout at Helen.
“Lauren, it is important that they are all on the same page about intimacy with you, otherwise there will continue to be a conflict which will never allow for integration.”
“Aren’t there levels or steps that you take? You can’t just throw the elephant out there when you have two people trying to figure this crappy puzzle out!” I spit out at her.
“When you came today I assumed that he knew your feelings about things. You don’t invite someone to your therapy session when you are walking on eggshells.”
I laugh feeling bitterness crawl up my chest. “That’s what this was about—you are punishing me for coming with him!”
She lets out a deep breath and an aura of calm surrounds her, while I feel like I’m running a marathon.
“I’m not here to punish anyone, Lauren. I am here to help you and your husband live the best life possible.”
“Well, what you just did isn’t going to help things at all.”
“Yes it will if you two address the situation directly instead of avoiding the issues that will hinder his progress,” she counters. I let out a deep breath and sit back in my seat. “I understand where your anger comes from. However, do you really think this issue will cause the end of you after everything that you two have faced?"
“Of course I don’t, but it does not make things easier,” I mutter.
“Cal and Collin share awareness,” she says and my eyes widen.
“So Cal knows everything that happened with Collin…” She nods before I finish my questions. I push my hands through my hair. Well, that’s going to go great with Cal when he decides to show up.
“I’m in love with this man. One person—I don’t care who he calls himself or how he decides to behave on what day. I shouldn’t feel guilty for sleeping with my husband… but I do. How do I stop feeling that way? I know that Chris and Cal are going to be angry, but do I deserve their anger when I am technically with my husband?"
“First things first—you can’t live a separate life with each of them,” she says and I’m baffled by what she means by that. “Regardless of who he transitions into, you need to make life consistent. You need to remain the same person with each.”
“I try to do that now,” I tell her and she gives me a disbelieving look.
“Do you?” When she asks this, it automatically makes me second-guess myself.
“You are not the same with Chris as you are with Collin and Cal. I’ve seen you with all three, and you adjust your behavior accordingly. You coddle Chris, you seem to be more reserved around Collin, and you explode with Cal,” she says and I’m speechless.
“They all love you, Lauren. You have so much more power than you think.” She looks me directly in the eye, and I have to chuckle at this.
“I don’t feel powerful.” I put my face in my hands.
“If you tell them what you just told me and stand firm on it, what choice will they have but accept it? You think they’ll leave you if you refuse?” Helen grins. No, but it’s a lot easier said than done.
“I did have a question for you, Lauren.” I look at her in surprise. She has a question for me? How nice.
“When Collin was here… or Chris for the matter—do either of them ever talk in their sleep?”
“Uhm… no not that I remember, but they usually get up before me.” I wonder what would make her ask a question like that.
“They’ve never woken you up having a nightmare?”
“Not that I recall. Why is it important?”
“I was just curious,” she says simply, and I roll my eyes as if anything about any of this is simple.
“I’m going to bring Chris back in here, and I’m going to ask him to express how he feels. I want you to stand firm on how you feel, regardless of what you think his reaction is going to be.” Her voice is warm and calm, but it doesn’t calm the tornado of emotions that are swirling inside of me. I can do this. I can tell Chris that I love him—all of him—and that I don’t see why I can’t sleep with every version of him. I have a feeling that this isn’t going to go well.
“Jennifer, please let Mr. Scott know he can come in now.”
“Right away,” the receptionist replies.
The muscles in my stomach tighten. Chris walks in and his expression is blank. His eyes look like deep pools of sadness, and I feel terrible that I have caused it. Helen doesn’t get it—she makes it seem so simple—that I can be this dictator and that their feelings don’t matter. I care about every part of this man. I don’t want any of them hurt, to be upset with me. I just want peace. I just want my husband to love me and for me to be able to love him back. He sits down stiffly, so different from when we first came in as a team, and I’m terrified we’ll leave as opponents. I can only blame myself. I should have talked to him about this myself, and regret that Helen brought it up at our first session together.
“Thank you for allowing Lauren to speak to me alone.” Helen smiles at him and her eyes study him. His body is rigid, and I wish I could read his mind. I wonder what he must think of me—probably that I’m a disloyal slut, a horny little housewife who gets off on sleeping with three different men when it’s not like that at all. No, I can’t believe that. Chris would never think anything like that. If anything I’ve really hurt him, and maybe even worse, have broken his heart.
He’s the same person. He’s the same person. I have to keep repeating this to myself as I let out a deep breath and beg my heartbeat to slow down and my voice to not shake when I speak. I shift toward him, but he doesn’t even look at me. My heart sinks and I wish that we had done this last night—when it was him and me in my office. With the romantic, soft lighting, and the ease with which he held me and I rested on him, it would have been such a different scenario. Instead, we’re on opposite sides of Helen’s couch with an audience.
“Chris,” I speak more softly than I intend to but am hoping I can penetrate the hard wall he’s put up between us. He throws me a sideways glance, his arms across his chest, his lips pressed together in a hard line. He is pissed, and I can’t help but feel more anxious and nervous than I have ever felt before.
“I love you,” I tell him honestly and with my whole heart, and his head makes the slightest turn toward me. “I have never stopped loving you,” I continue, my eyes glance toward Helen and I feel my nerves climb across my back. This is such a strange situation doing this in front of Helen who is observing everything.
“I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you, but you have to understand that I want to love every part of you,” I plead with him, but I can see that I’ve lost him from the grunt he lets out. I rub my shoulders feeling a mountain of stress starting to make camp on them.
“Chris, can you look at me please?” I can hear the desperation in my voice. “I don’t want to cause any of you pain, I don’t want to hurt you—any part of you,” I plead with him. He finally turns and looks at me.
“Wouldn’t it be a disa
ster if I only loved one of you? What if it was just you? What if I just loved Cal? Or Collin?" I ask him, and I hear him let out a low breath.
“This would never work if I only loved one part of you. It would kill me to share you with someone else, and if I shut out any part of you, it could happen. I’m so afraid of that happening,” I plead with him. He looks me in the eyes, and I can see him relenting. It’s not much, but it’s something and I’ll take it.
“I can’t really give you permission… but I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t need to be updated on what you do with them,” he says, and the fist around my heart unclenches. I look over at Helen silently letting out the breath that was balled up in my throat.
“You mean with you when you’re not conscious,” Helen interjects.
“I guess,” he says, and relief floods through me. He’s only one part of the three-sided puzzle, but such a big one. Collin seemed indifferent and Cal…. I doubt things will go this smooth with him but right now Chris is here, and he doesn’t hate me.
The rest of the session goes by without any more turmoil and doesn’t really involve me at all. Chris talks about feeling disconnected from Collin and Chris, and how he doesn’t feel as if he can relate to them at all. It doesn’t surprise me and shouldn’t come as a surprise to Helen either. She reiterates that they are all one and for him to remain open-minded toward both of them, and his homework is to write a letter to each of them. Chris looks at her as if she’s insane when she suggests this but I’m intrigued. I wish she’d ask him to let me read them, but she doesn’t mention that of course. She asks him what relaxes him and he tells her playing music and suggests that he does it for at least an hour a day regardless of what’s going on—that it’s important for him to make time to relax and de-stress to gather his thoughts.
