by Addison Cole
“Oh, Jack. I’m so glad you called. I was going to try to reach you, but I was afraid to. I didn’t know if you’d be angry, or if, you know, it’d be too much of a reminder.”
Elise’s kindness also reminded him of Linda, and he lingered in that pleasant memory for a beat before answering.
“I heard about your dad, Elise, and I’m really sorry. I know he probably doesn’t want to have anything to do with me, but I’d really like to apologize to him. In person if he’ll allow it.” Come on. Give me this one break.
“He wants that, too, Jack. He feels horrible about the things he said. He drove out to your house once a week for months, just to try to get in touch with you. He said he left letters.”
Jack swallowed the thick, acidic taste of guilt. “He did. I got them, but I never opened them. I couldn’t, Elise. I could barely breathe. I know that sounds dramatic and probably crazy, but for a while there, I think I was crazy. It took a long time for me to become clearheaded, and the anger ran so deep that I couldn’t deal with any of it.”
“We know, Jack. Remember we all knew you before Linda’s accident, and people don’t change overnight. We knew you were grieving.”
Hearing her assess his emotions so easily and without judgment—so different from Rush’s harsh reaction—drew tears from Jack. He clenched his eyes shut and pressed his finger and thumb to them, but he could not stop the flow of tears. He sucked in a quick breath in an effort to compose himself, but it didn’t help.
“Oh, Jack,” Elise said. “Honey, you’ve been angry for so long that you probably haven’t grieved.”
Jack sucked in another breath. “I…” His voice was swallowed by more tears. His lower jaw shook with the force of his sadness. “I’m sorry,” he finally managed, though it came out as a whisper. Could I have been so angry that I never really grieved? He had no idea if that was possible, but he was so thankful for Elise’s kindness, and the memory and feelings it evoked, that he didn’t care. If he had yet to grieve, he could face that. Now he could face anything.
“Jack, please. We’re past the accusations and the anger, but we’re all very worried about you. Linda wouldn’t have wanted you to hide away from the world for so long. You know that. She’d want you to be happy and to live a fulfilled life, Jack. Linda loved you, and that’s what people who love each other hope for.”
He sank to the floor. “Thank you,” he said in a gravelly, shaky voice.
“You don’t have to thank me, Jack. I care about you. We all do.”
“Elise, I have…” He took a deep breath, trying to keep the sobs that were wrenching his chest to keep from swallowing his voice again. “I have Linda’s clothes. I can’t keep them.”
“Linda’s clothes? You’ve had them all this time?”
Jack nodded, then realized she couldn’t see him. “Yes. Baby clothes, too.” Fresh sobs burst forth, and he buried his eyes in the crook of his elbow.
“Oh, Jack,” Elise whispered. “Are you home?”
“Yes.”
“I’m coming over.”
The line went dead, but Jack couldn’t lift his arm to set the receiver on the console. He couldn’t raise his head from his arms. He could barely breathe as the grief worked its way through every cell of his body. His limbs trembled, his stomach ached, and his teeth wouldn’t stop chattering. Jack gave in to the helpless state, and the room filled with his cries as misery worked its way from somewhere deep within the recesses of his heart and soul and left him feeling depleted and hollow.
Chapter Twenty
SAVANNAH LEANED ON the wall of the Gapstow Bridge, scanning Central Park for Josh and Riley. There were more families than usual strolling through the park. Whether that was due to the pleasantly cool evening or the impending concert, she couldn’t be sure, but it was nice to see people strolling instead of hustling at the typical frenetic pace of the city. The changing leaves reminded her of the Colorado Mountains, which brought her back to Jack. Savannah sighed, wishing she hadn’t stood up for herself after all. It wasn’t like he was treating her badly or trying to hurt her. He’d told her how confused he was. He was honest. What is wrong with me?
She saw his face in every man she passed and heard his voice when there was no one in the room. She thought about contacting him through his website but then realized that doing so would just be feeding into her weakness when it came to men. This time she wasn’t going to be the woman who chased down unworthy lovers. She’d had enough of that with Connor. But Jack’s not unworthy! There was no comparison between Connor and Jack. Connor never professed a single emotion toward Savannah, while Jack didn’t hesitate to bare his soul and say exactly what he was feeling.
A hand gripped her shoulder, and she started, then spun around and found her younger brother Josh looking down at her with laughter in his eyes.
“You scared me half to death.” She hugged him and realized that he was just about the same height as Jack. She felt the difference between Josh’s lean, muscular frame and Jack’s thick, powerful body.
“Hey, Savannah.” Riley embraced her. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.” They were a striking couple. Riley appeared youthful and happy in skinny jeans and a red spaghetti-strap blouse with her shoulder-length hair framing her face, and Josh looked handsome in khaki pants and a short-sleeved white dress shirt, which set off his dark eyes and black hair.
“I know. It does feel that way, but ever since you and Josh got together, I see more of you both than ever before, so I can’t complain,” Savannah said.
“We tried to call you.” Josh wrapped his arm around Riley’s waist. “We were going to try to meet earlier, but I guess you’re screening your calls.”
“Not from you I’m not.” She pulled out her phone and made a tsk sound. “It was still on silent from my meeting. I’m sorry. Wow. I have six messages. Did you call me that many times?”
“Three,” Josh said. “Let’s head over to the concert.”
Savannah covered her ear and listened to her messages as they headed toward Rumsey Field. When Jack’s voice came through the phone, she stopped in her tracks and grabbed Josh’s arm.
What? he mouthed.
Savannah held up a finger as she listened; then she put her phone in her jeans pocket and hugged Josh as she squealed.
“Good news?” Riley asked.
Savannah’s smile faded. She realized she hadn’t told Josh anything about Jack, and now she wasn’t sure she should. He’d think she was nuts getting excited over a man while on the rebound from Connor.
“Oh, um…” Shoot.
“I bet it was Ja-ack,” Riley said in a singsong voice.
“Jack?” Savannah glared at Josh. “Don’t tell me. Treat called you? I swear sometimes this family is so messed up.” She stomped off in the direction of the field.
Josh and Riley caught up to her.
“He stopped by before he left town and said he’d just come from your office. One thing led to another. He was just worried about you,” Josh explained.
“Whatever. You guys must think I’m so messed up.” Heat flushed her cheeks. She shoved her hands in her pockets and kept her eyes trained on the ground.
“I was there, Savannah. Treat really was worried, but not because he thinks you’re messed up.” Riley spoke so fast that Savannah had to watch her mouth to make sure she didn’t miss a word. “He was worried because he said that, for the first time ever, he’d seen something in your eyes that made him believe that whatever happened between you and Jack was real. And he was worried that if you didn’t recognize it for what it was that you might always regret it. He just asked us to make sure you were okay. That’s all. I promise.” Riley sucked in a quick breath.
Savannah’s jaw hung open. She blinked away her surprise. “He said that?”
“He did,” Josh said, then kissed Riley’s cheek.
“What did he see?”
“Maybe what we saw when you listened to Jack’s message?” Josh said with a smile.
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Savannah felt her cheeks flush. “I didn’t realize I asked that out loud.” Treat could see how I felt? I’m a goner.
They reached the field where the concert was already taking place, and Kaylie’s voice boomed through the speakers. Crowds of people stood before the stage calling out to her. She looked radiant beneath the lights. Her blond hair cascaded in waves over her shoulders as she sang into the microphone, swinging her hips and working the crowd.
“I forgot how well Kaylie can sing,” Riley said as they made their way along the outskirts of the crowd toward the stage in search of Danica and Blake.
Savannah heard the music and Riley’s comment, but she was thinking about returning Jack’s call and what the call itself meant. His message was so cute, like he had no idea what to say. I’d like to see you. Talk to you. Whatever you want. Her stomach fluttered. He is thinking about me.
“SAVANNAH! RILEY! JOSH!” Danica stood at the side of the stage, waving her arms. Her dark corkscrew curls sprang out in different directions and hung just past her shoulders, so different from her sister’s shiny blond hair.
“I feel like we’re having a family reunion,” Savannah said as she embraced Danica and then her husband, Blake. Blake had grown up with Savannah and her siblings. As cousins, they’d spent many summers hanging out on her family’s ranch together.
“Still gorgeous,” Blake said to Savannah. Blake was tall, dark, and handsome, and before meeting Danica, he’d used those good looks to his advantage and lived the life of a player. Taking any woman, anytime, anywhere. But the moment he set eyes on Danica, he’d fallen for her, and he’d cleaned up his act.
“Not half as gorgeous as your wife,” Savannah teased.
“Very true. And look at these two.” He nodded toward Josh and Riley, who were nose to nose, whispering as they stared into each other’s eyes. “Looks like they’re doing a photo shoot for Romance magazine.” He laughed. “Dude, care to give your cousin a hug? Pry yourself away from your fiancée for a second?”
“You’re always so needy,” Josh teased.
“Blake, you look so happy,” Riley said as he wrapped her in his strong arms.
“What’s not to be happy about? I’ve got a beautiful wife, her sister’s singing soulful songs, and I’m with family. I’m a lucky guy.” He put his arm around Danica.
“Savannah, Treat tells me that you went through Jack Remington’s survival camp. He’s got such a great rep. How was it?” Blake asked.
She couldn’t keep herself from smiling. “Awesome. I learned a lot.”
Josh raised his eyebrows. He masked his comment—that’s not all—with a cough.
Savannah and Riley both punched him in the arm.
“Oh, did you meet someone there?” Blake asked. “I’d be surprised if Jack allowed that. He’s a surly guy these days.”
Surly and passionate. “He is surly, to most people.” Savannah moved out of the way for someone to pass and repositioned herself beside Danica. “But there was a young couple who hooked up and he didn’t seem to pay much attention to it. He kind of ignored that aspect and just went on with the course.” Probably because we were too busy trying to keep our feelings in check.
“Remington? That’s Rush’s brother? The one who lost his wife?” Danica asked.
“Yeah,” Blake answered. “He closed himself off from everyone, and I don’t think Rush even knows where he lives these days. Anyway, did you meet someone special there or just a weekend fling?”
His family doesn’t know where he is? “I’m not really sure yet,” Savannah answered.
Kaylie began another song, and Savannah was glad for the distraction. She really wanted to bend Danica’s ear. As the others turned their attention to the stage, Savannah moved closer to Danica.
“Can I pick your therapist brain for a few minutes?” Savannah asked.
“Of course. What’s up?” Danica turned away from the stage and stood shoulder to shoulder with her, giving Savannah her full attention.
“I know you helped my brother Dane and his girlfriend, Lacy, deal with her fear of sharks and relationship anxieties, and I’m a little worried about my ability to choose the right men in my life. I wondered if you’d mind helping me sort of figure out why, or at least how to stop doing it.”
“Well, Lacy’s my sister, so I knew a lot about what she’d been through already. I don’t know that much about your background other than your mother passing away when you were little and your father raising you, and he seems warm and loving, but also stern enough to have raised you all to be successful—and, I thought, confident.” Danica furrowed her brow. “A lot of times we can get clues to our issues from our own thoughts. Why do you think you pick the wrong guys? And how often do you pick these guys?”
“Well, I’m thirty-four and I haven’t picked the right guy yet, so that must mean I’ve picked a lot of bad ones, and I’m not sure why.” The music had become white noise in the background of their conversation. Luckily, the others were wrapped up in the white noise and not in Savannah pouring her heart out.
“Tell me about your last three relationships,” Danica said.
Savannah sighed. “Last three. Well, I dated Connor Dean, and he cheated on me several times and I kept going back to him. Then there was Paul Chaste before him. He was an attorney, and we dated for a few months, but he was just too boring. No spark, you know?”
Danica nodded.
“And before Paul I dated Matt Brewer, and we got along great, intimacy was great, but we had different goals in life. He didn’t want a family and I did.” Savannah shrugged.
“I’m not seeing a pattern here, Savannah. Clue me in on what I’m missing.”
“What do you mean? There’s a definite pattern. I can’t seem to pick the right men. Am I insecure? Am I needy? Bossy? I know I’m a royal pain and stubborn sometimes. Is that the issue? I can take it, Danica. Whatever it is, just give it to me straight.” Savannah crossed her arms, bracing herself for the painful truth.
Danica smiled.
“What? Is it all those things?” It’s worse than I thought.
“No, no.” Danica turned to Blake and said, “I’ll be right back.”
“Everything okay?” Blake asked.
“Yeah. We’re going to step away from the stage for a minute.”
Great. Now we need privacy. This must be horrible.
When they were away from the others, Danica pulled Savannah down beside her on the grass. “Okay, here goes. A pattern is when you do something over and over, like Blake or Kaylie before they settled down. They went from person to person, never forming any attachments. That’s a pattern, Savannah. You’ve dated the wrong guys. There’s a huge difference, unless each of those guys possessed some quality that made it impossible to have a relationship with them.”
“Well, Connor was a serial cheater. That makes it pretty impossible.”
“True, and we can talk about that, but the others?” Danica held Savannah’s gaze.
Savannah shook her head. “Boring and no kids. Those were deal breakers for me. But they were nice guys and they were professionals, no other glaring issues.”
“So why do you think you have the issue?”
Savannah took a deep breath. “I stayed with Connor for almost two years. He cheated time and time again, and I kept going back, and now…now I’m interested in a guy who is emotionally available only some of the time. When his past bogs him down, he’s blocked off by a wall so thick I can’t break through.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“I thought this was going to be easy. You know, I tell you my trouble and you say, Oh, Savannah, it’s because you’re insecure because your mother wasn’t around to nurture you, or you’re too stubborn for any man to love you. Heck, I don’t know.” She turned away, embarrassed by her inability to even get having an issue right.
“Savannah, I didn’t say you don’t have some issues. We all do. I said I don’t see a pattern with your choices in men. So, this re
cent guy, is he so blocked off you can’t get through or you won’t make the effort to get through? In other words, are you trying and he’s resisting?”
“Sheesh, Danica. This is why I don’t go to therapists. You ask the hard questions that I don’t want to answer.” Savannah was irritated but only with herself.
“Hey, you came to me. We don’t have to talk.” Danica pushed herself to her feet and brushed off her jeans. Savannah reached up and pulled her back down.
“That’s another thing. Don’t therapists have any fight in them? You’d walk away and leave me all conflicted?”
“Sometimes the only way to work things out is to reach deep inside and pull out the muck so you can see a little clearer. If I’m here to dig you out every step of the way, you’ll never want or need to clear the way yourself. Wow, I really do sound like a therapist. It’s been years since I closed my practice, and here I am spouting off this stuff.” Danica laughed.
Savannah watched Riley whisper in Josh’s ear, and again she longed for that closeness. “See, even you don’t like it. But the truth is, I need you to push me.” She loved Danica and she trusted her, and something told her that she needed to reach out with honesty in order to get some answers. “It’s Jack Remington. He’s the one I hooked up with over the weekend, and he’s the one I can’t stop thinking about.”
“And he’s the one whose wife died.” Danica put her hand on Savannah’s arm. “That is a tough one, but unless he’s sleeping with multiple women, there’s no connection to what you experienced with Connor, so it’s still not a pattern.”
“He’s not. Before me, he hadn’t had sex with a woman for two years.” Savannah waited for Danica’s jaw to drop or for her to laugh and say, No really, how long has it been? But Danica didn’t do either of those things. She nodded and drew her eyebrows together.
“Wow, that’s a lot of hurt, and if he really did become as reclusive as Blake said, then he’s probably buried it all beneath some other emotion.”
