by James Gault
At this point Honza, who was sitting beside your extremely gifted and talented writer of this minute , whispered that we seemed to have lost the whole point of the meeting and become bogged down in bureaucracy, and the extremely gifted and talented English teacher whispered back that this was the unfortunate fate of all promising organizations, irrespective of whether they have social or political aims.
A discussion ensued as to the ideal composition of a committee. The need for a spokesperson was identified, and the red-haired freckle-faced orator immediately proposed that our ‘democratically elected clever and pretty chair girl’ was by far the most suitable person for this position too. I heard Honza murmur ‘Toady’ under his breath, and he gave the spotty one a dark look which would have caused a less sensitive person to disappear through the floor. Then, with unexpected diplomatic flair, he announced that he had to concur with his little red-headed spotty colleague and that our exceptionally brilliant and beautiful new leader had adequately demonstrated her suitability for this post by her recent successful TV appearance. Everyone present agreed and Tania found herself the joint holder of the two most important roles in the society.
The next post to be decided was that of secretary. The red-haired one jumped to his feet again, but Tania quickly announced that she appreciated the trust and confidence of her members, but that she could not really accept all the positions of authority, and that it was only fair that some other people have an opportunity. Freckled-faced ‘Toady’, not knowing who else was in a position to reward his simpering support, sat down again with a bewildered look which brought a wide smile to Honza’s face. Following a suitable embarrassing pause, Tania herself suggested that a certain exceptionally gifted and talented English teacher would be just perfect for this role. In the absence of other nominations, this eminently qualified candidate was adopted, and as a result the group enjoys the pleasure of extremely lucid and well-written minutes, an example of which you are in the process of reading.
Honza was chosen as finance officer, as his prowess in mathematics and information science was known to all present, most of them being, in fact, his classmates from school. Three general committee members without portfolio were also elected, ‘Toady’ among them. Several sub-committees were set up and staffed from volunteers with a variety of levels of enthusiasm, to take care of such activities as ‘organization of demonstrations’, ‘speech writing’, ‘written communication with heads of state’ and ‘provision of coffee and cakes at group events’. The direction of this last group was entrusted to Tania’s new American friend Ruthie, who had demonstrated her culinary skills in the preparation of the cookies.
Tania in her role of chair girl was on the point of closing an eminently successful gathering when the newly appointed secretary took the step of addressing the meeting directly on a matter which he considered of the utmost importance. In a moving and eloquent speech, totally worthy of such an exceptionally gifted and talented English teacher, he convinced his enthralled listeners of the dangers to which extensive media coverage exposed their newly elected and much loved chair- and spokes- person. So convincing were his arguments that a security sub-committee was immediately formed, and the democratically elected leader of this committee, known to his classmates as Big George, announced to a cheering crowd that ‘if those with evil intents think that an organization dedicated to the elimination of hatred and the propagation of worldwide love and peace cannot kick the hell out of anyone stupid enough to threaten their leader, they have another think coming.’
The meeting closed at 6.30pm and was followed by an informal reception at which the lemonade and buns so generously provided by the chair- and spoke-person were gratefully consumed. This social event passed off without incident, apart from a short scuffle in the gents’ toilet, from which a smiling Honza emerged followed by a less than happy freckled-faced red-haired newly-elected bloody-nosed committee member.
Chapter 11. Some help with a letter
Dear Tania,
First of all, can I congratulate on the professional and competent way you handled the meeting yesterday? Had it been an English oral examination, I am sure you would have come out with absolutely top grades. And, as you were in the process of founding an international organisation, it was an excellent idea to conduct the meeting in English. I noted with pleasure that your classmates had no difficulty with the language, thanks no doubt to the excellent work being done by your class teacher Alena. She is one of my most capable students, and has obviously benefited from my coaching, both in English language and in teaching techniques.
Alena is extremely proud of your decision to establish the league. Not only does it demonstrate social awareness on the part of her pupils, but it means that your attention has been distracted from your relentless quest to find her a partner. She is looking forward to resuming a normal life, and has been washing and ironing her disco dresses.
Incidentally, it strikes me that Alena would be an excellent member of LAW-HA-FLACE and as an English teacher she would qualify under article 5, clause 3 of the constitution. I can sympathise with your desire to restrict membership to children. It is difficult to think of a single example of a successful organisation run by adults in any field. However there are some lucky adults who have managed to retain in adult life the excellent characteristics of childish behaviour. My wife has frequently pointed out that I am one of them. And in my view your school teacher has also resisted the corruption of ideals and the adoption of cynical greed which is euphemistically termed ‘growing up’. So I think you should give serious consideration to offering her honorary membership.
You may be wondering why I am so keen to introduce more adults into the league. It is not due to a need to have someone of my own age to talk to, your school teacher is much closer to your age than mine. It is because your group will have to face up to the sad fact that all adults, without exception, suffer from the affliction of prejudice. This may be a surprise to you. You have been exposed to the sanctimonious speeches of saintly grown-ups lecturing you on equality, fair treatment for everyone, religious tolerance, and the integration of foreign immigrants into society. You may even have believed this, although I have warned you on many occasions of the hypocrisy which descends on human beings at the age of about twenty. Even I have not escaped, because, as you know, I have a not entirely justified prejudice against citizens of the United States of America, in particular with regard to their linguistic skills.
Prejudice due to race, nationality and religion receives a lot of publicity, but there is one prejudice which is common to all adults, except a very few like me. It is an absolute scandal that this prejudice is totally ignored by the media, but what can we expect when adults control our TV, radio, and newspapers. I am talking about prejudice against children. It is a sad fact that as a children-only organisation you will be patronised mercilessly, and have no chance of being taken seriously. This is why when you come across suitable adults like myself and Alena, you must recruit hem immediately as token grown-ups, and hold them up as shining examples to the misguided post-adolescent world. It is the only way to maintain your credibility.
Turning to another topic, I’m very pleased to hear that you have already received so much fan mail following your TV appearance, especially since most of it is in English. You’ll have so much practice in reading and writing now. Be careful with your writing though, and pay attention to your grammar and your spelling. Naturally we want to recruit all your fans to the ’cause’, so I enclose membership forms and brochures which I have prepared for the LAW-HA-FLACE and which you can send to your fans..
I sympathise with your problem of those ‘difficult’ letters that you received, and I have given much thought as to the best way to deal with them. I have therefore prepared a standard letter, which you can adapt easily to each individual case. It is as follows
.
Dear Mr, Mrs, Ms XXXX (I don’t recommend the use of first names with this type of correspondent)
I acknowledge receipt of your letter, which I have read with my customary polite care although without any pleasure. You will note from my reply that I have desisted from replying in the tone in which your correspondence was couched, and I hope you will note that this is a manifestation both of my philosophy of world peace and the mannerly fashion in which I have learned to conduct myself under the guidance of my extremely gifted and talented English teacher. I can only hope you will be influenced by my magnanimity and good manners and resolve to turn over a new leaf yourself.
In reply to your comments, may I first of all say that your English grammar was atrocious/mediocre/acceptable (delete as appropriate) and your spelling was abysmal/disconcerting/passable (delete again as appropriate). Your vocabulary skills can only be described as totally inappropriate, and I often found examples in which your comprehension of the true meanings of words seemed sadly lacking. If I could be permitted to bring your attention to one particular three-word phrase, for example, I could point out that -
one, I am rather a happy person and often seen smiling,
two, I am in fact rather tall for my age, and
three, my parents had been married contentedly for several years before the happy event of my birth.
However, the level of your English language skills was not my main concern about your letter.
Every one is of course entitled to hold their own opinions, and indeed the free expression of such opinions is a fundamental right of citizens in a democratic society. Please do not think, therefore, that I bear you any ill-will for not agreeing with me. All the same, may I respectfully bring to your attention some inaccuracies which followed your rather eloquent, if a bit vulgar, denunciation of my ideas? Your allusion to my IQ was totally erroneous, and indeed you understated this by a factor of about twenty. As for you, I of course am in no position to assess your level of intelligence, but from the content of your letter I can readily put your reading age at about four and a half, but this is a piece of information I am discreet enough to keep to myself. As to your assertion that I am an uneducated little brat, could I modestly point out that I have read and memorised all twenty volumes of Encyclopaedia Britannica and The Complete Works of Shakespeare, in the original English and in the other three languages which I speak fluently? This doesn’t necessarily mean I am always right, but I think my opinions have as much right to respect as those of someone who decides to label them as ‘stoopid and kray-zee’.
Moving on to the second paragraph of your epistle, I regret to inform you that I find myself unable to accept your advice, however well intentioned. Some of your suggestions seem positively dangerous. While I am tolerably good swimmer, the requirements of survival in a raging torrent are a bit out of my depth, if you’ll excuse the pun. And although boiling oneself in oil may be an edifying and even uplifting experience, I really cannot see any good ever coming of it. So I beg you not to be offended if I pass up on your interesting list of ‘should’s and ‘ought to’s.
Finally, let me thank you for the prognostications for my future with which you ended your communication. A little example of fortune telling always raises a smile, even from one as obviously untalented in the field as yourself. If I can return your advice with some of my own, if you have been contemplating a career as some sort of forecaster, I would forget it if I were you. Unless of course you had economic forecasting in mind, as they too are always completely wrong. The notion of the oceans opening up and swallowing me, for example, is a rather romantic and dramatic image, but has little probability of ever coming true.
So, to conclude, let me thank you again sincerely for your letter. I apologise that I did not find it as useful or relevant to me as you had perhaps hoped, but I would not like you to think you had wasted your time. My English teacher always says that time spent practising writing skills is never wasted,
Yours respectfully and above all sincerely,
Tania
Founding Chair girl and Spokesperson,
LAW-HA-FLACE
I think, Tania, that this little note will do the trick with the more unpleasant elements from your mailbox. I don’t recommend enclosing LAW-HA-FLACE membership forms with these replies, though.
The very existence of these letters is disquieting. You can see now that I was not wrong in warning you that your initiative would not be universally accepted as a good thing, and that people are unfortunately more readily motivated to action by hate than by love. We do need to do more for your safety and protection, particularly as I have just learned from a proud Honza – whom I had hoped would know better - that you have another three TV interviews lined up, and that a peace-initiative trip to the Middle East may be in the offing. While I am in full support of the aims of the organization you now head, I ask you again to consider your activities carefully, and to reflect before undertaking any extremely risky activities. Think of the delicate mental state of your mother!
May I offer you some further advice with regard to security? In these circumstances I have a motto, ‘Suspect everyone – trust no-one!’ Of course you can trust your family, myself and most probably Honza. But you must be wary of everyone else, even the members of LAW-HA-FLACE. In particular, you may want to keep an eye on the little red-haired squirt whom Honza very appropriately calls ’Toady’. First of all, he is ‘too good to be true’. Anyone who tries so hard to be nice must have a deep dark and terrible secret. And secondly, he wasn’t involved with us in the cat affair, so I assume he is a newcomer to your class. Strangers should always be treated with suspicion – a stranger is just a spy you do not know, as they say in the Irish secret service. You may think that since red-haired people tend to have a problem being inconspicuous, they would be unsuitable candidates for espionage activities. But clever secret services – not the Czech police, of course – recognise that this flaw renders them more or less above suspicion, and actively recruit them. So don’t go giving away important secrets to ’Toady’, and above all avoid being alone with him in secluded and hidden locations.
Your worried teacher and Honorary Secretary,
J.
Chapter 12 The Secret Army
Dear Honza,
Thank you for your letter. Your English language skills continue to improve. Would you be so kind as to pass on my congratulations to your teacher, Alena, and let her know that I am immensely impressed by the progress that her students have made thanks to her excellent teaching? She will no doubt tell you that this is entirely due to the help and guidance she has been getting from me, which is completely true. However, you must not say this. Tell her instead that, while I may have given her a few tips, it has been her own skill, personality and dedication that has had such a beneficial effect on your education. You may be amazed that normal adult conversation needs to be so full of such circumlocution, unclear meaning and even downright falsehood. You may even wonder how we adults ever manage to understand one another. The truth is that we don’t, and now you know why the world is in the mess it is currently in.
Turning to the subject of your letter, I too am extremely worried for the safety of our mutual friend and chairperson of our newly formed society. I have noticed a worrying tendency in her to pay less and less attention to the good advice which it is my pleasure to offer her. This was not such a problem at the start of your ‘romance’, when she hung on your every word, and you were a reliable moderating influence. But recently she seems less and less inclined to listen even to you, and this growing independence disturbs me. Exceptional intelligence is often accompanied by a total lack of common sense, and Tania is unfortunately no exception in this regard. Although she may think we are over-cautious and timid, it is our duty to protect her in spite of herself.
First of all, let me say that I
share your opinion of the red-haired weasel, whose name I believe is Vladimir, and it is entirely possible that his intentions towards Tania are less than honourable. I have already warned her to be wary of him. He’s unlikely to be a member of a truly professional spy group like the KGB or MI6. It’s not that he is too young, these organisations know how to exploit that air of innocence which comes with childhood. And while he appears to be completely stupid this may be a ruse. However, competent secret services do not send agents out into the field without proper and intensive training, including a rigorous course in unarmed combat. So, had he been a real spy, your altercation with him at last night’s meeting would have had a totally different outcome. No chance of him being a proper secret agent then, but he may of course work for the CIA.
So if I were you, I would keep an eye on ‘Vladimir the Red’, but I don’t feel that he is the main source of danger. The problem is that the threat could come from anywhere. Tania has made herself a headache for almost every politician and businessman in the entire world. When she speaks of world peace and an end to war, they hear only the destruction of their power systems and the disappearance of the lucrative arms industry.
We can’t rely on any help from her parents to protect her. As you know, her mum is somewhat unstable and you must never burden her with news which is any way stressful, especially if she is within reach of anything which could be employed as a lethal weapon. As far as Tania’s mum is concerned, devote all your attention to making sure that she never gets an inkling of the potential dangers her daughter is running. Her father, however, is in full possession of all his mental faculties, but nevertheless it will do you no good to mention the problem to him. He will take the view that the dangers facing Tania are as nothing compared to the threat to him from his totally unstable and unpredictable spouse, and he may very well be right.
