by James Gault
“About half way through our planned trajectory things took a turn for the worse. A tall thin man with a pointed black beard and sunglasses emerged from a doorway, a long pointed knife in his hand, and lunged at our illustrious leader, who was deep in reverie and seemed not to notice. Fortunately, one of our agents was in exactly the right position to intercept the assailant, overpowering him and prising the weapon from his grasp.
“Our dreaming chairperson carried right on walking, and she passed two suspiciously tubby gentlemen wearing long overcoats in spite of the 30 degree temperature. Just after she passed, the two aforesaid suspects each produced a machine gun from under their coats. Fortunately the two agents to whom I had assigned the flanks stepped into action immediately, disarmed the would-be killers, and pushed them into a pair of dustbins conveniently positioned nearby. The head of our organisation continued on, oblivious to the commotion behind her. The weapons were later found to be of Russian origin, but loaded with ammunition stamped ‘TEXAS USA’.
“The final attack took place just as our entourage turned the final corner before the Metro entrance. A person of unknown gender dressed in a long flowing robe launched himself (or herself) from a fifth floor window on a path perfectly planned to end with him (or her) landing violently on our leader’s head. Here again, thanks to the CIA’s guidelines, our personnel were ideally positioned to administer a timely push in our chief’s back, and the human missile splattered itself on the cobbled pathway without causing any damage – except to himself (or herself). Our founder and mentor remained blissfully unaware of the fracas, and entered the comparative safety of the Metro station still deep in thought.”
You can see what we’re up against. Tania stubbornly refuses to face up to the danger she’s in, and she has some secret plan which she’s not yet prepared to reveal.
The first thing we have to do is find out who it is that’s out to get her. Start by interviewing Big George. (And when you’re talking to him, pass on my congratulations on the quality of his English.) After that, look for other clues. Make a careful review of the tram incident. Don’t let the fact that it the attack was conducted in a Volvo car mislead you into suspecting the Swedish Secret Service. The Swedes have an excellent record of political non-violence established over many years and it is unlikely that they would risk their reputation on such a hair-brained scheme. Given the botched nature of the attempt, you can also eliminate those organisations with a proven record of efficiency and success, for example Manchester United and the major tobacco companies. Finally, I would not ignore the letters which have recently been forwarded to us by the TV companies. There is one in particular, which, on a second reading, seems to contain remarks of a vaguely threatening nature. I have enclosed the offending document.
One common factor in all these attacks is that the perpetrators seemed to know all Tania’s movements in advance. This confirms my theory of a traitor in the camp, and we must do all we can to flush this traitor out. You can begin by exploring all the computers used by the group and hacking in to trace all their e-mails and web searches. The CIA have probably published a web page called ‘Seven Easy Ways to Infringe the Privacy of Internet Users’. Speak to Big George! If you draw a blank with the CIA, try the KGB! If they have one, it will no doubt be in Russian, so you will need a translation. Don’t ask Tania! Try her Dad! In no circumstances mention it to her Mum!
While you’re doing that, you will also have to tackle the second task of finding out what mischief is ruminating in Tania’s overactive brain. Unfortunately, exploring the secrets of a woman’s mind is a Herculean task for anyone of the male species. If you’re thinking of asking her directly, you’re wasting your time. It’s appoint of principle that they never under any circumstances tell us anything of real significance. I have heard of some men who, by means of trickery and subterfuge, have extricated some small and relatively unimportant secrets from unsuspecting examples of the female species. But such females have to be extremely stupid, a category into which Tania certainly doesn’t fall.
There is one glimmer of light. While women tell men nothing, they tell each other everything. We need to find a female confidant for our mutual enigmatic friend. If the chosen person is relatively unintelligent, so much the better, as it will facilitate the task of getting Tania’s secrets out of her.
The problem is, where can we find such a person? We just have to wait and hope that fate will provide,
In the meantime, get sleuthing,
Tania’s Teacher
J.
Chapter 16 Promotion for Ruthie
Dear Ruthie,
You can’t imagine how glad I was to get your letter. And let me say I was really impressed by the quality of your writing, especially as I know you were born and brought up in the U.S.A. Your English was almost like a real English speaker’s.
First of all, don’t be over-concerned by this feeling that none of your classmates really loves you. You may be experiencing a relative level of coolness from them, but this is entirely due to your American origins. Unfortunately there is a certain level of prejudice against USA citizens in every country in the world, and I even find myself that I have to make an extra effort in the presence of anyone who speaks with even the smallest hint of a lazy drawl.
For the most part, this feeling is entirely unjustified. The problem is that without doubt the U.S.A. is the richest, most successful and most powerful nation in the world, and the rest of us are just plain jealous. However, the average US citizen inflames this understandable resentment by being ostentatiously proud of this fact. Indeed, it is only by listening to their inadequate attempts to master what is as after all their official language that I personally am able to tolerate their presence. If only every US citizen, when speaking to a foreigner, would start each conversation with the phrase
‘Excuse me for my bad English, but…’
this would do more for America’s image abroad than all the efforts of the Peace Corps or billions of dollars of foreign aid. I think this would be so beneficial, in fact, that I would make it a legal requirement. So if your parents are on first name terms with any senators or congressmen, I would urge them to pass this idea on to these people.
Moving on to your second point, I can well understand that it is painful to note that your Russian friend communicates far better in English than you, a native speaker, do. You are right in thinking that this elevated level of skill is not entirely unconnected with the exceptional quality of English language coaching which she receives, but, unfortunately, I am unable to accept another student at present as my schedule is completely full. However, I do have a suggestion which could solve not only this problem, but all your problems., and which I will explain in a minute.
In your place, I also would be a little dissatisfied with my role in LAW-HA-FLACE. I agree that your many talents could be put to better use than making the tea and coffee. That is why I am going to speak to Tania and persuade her to adopt you as her closest aide and assistant. This will consolidate your friendship with her, and help to alleviate your first problem. And the daily close contact with Tania is bound to do wonders for the quality of your English, and will go a long way to solving your second problem. Tania too will benefit, as she will have a close confidant with whom she can share all her secrets. In short, it seems that fate has provided you for this role
Although I can’t fit you into my schedule for teaching, I really want to be sure that this little plan is working out. So I suggest we meet once a week, just for half an hour. It won’t be a proper English lesson, but you can tell me how you are getting on with Tania, and I can monitor your progress in your use of English.
I hope this is of some help, and I wish you every success in your new role.
Best of luck!
Tania’s teacher
J.
Chapter 17 The stalker
Dear Tania,
Let me begin by telling you how pleased and comforted I was to get your letter. I was beginning to think that you were so wrapped up in your schemes and projects that you were totally oblivious to everything else. So you can imagine how happy I was when I read that you were disturbed and worried by what you had noticed. And when you admitted to being actually frightened I burst out laughing with relief and joy. Finally, it seems you are beginning to appreciate the seriousness of your situation.
However, I can reassure you that perhaps things are not so bad as you thought. You are entirely right in thinking that you are being followed wherever you go, but there may be nothing sinister in this. If you remember, I instructed – and note the careful choice of verb here- I instructed you not to go anywhere without your bodyguards (Rule 5). In your wisdom and naivety you chose to ignore this very important rule. I only hope you didn’t forget rule 6 and tell your mother everything, for your Dad’s sake.
Since you insist on being so strong willed, your security committee, under the chairmanship of Big George and advised on technical matters by Honza, decided that you need to be protected even if it is against your wishes. So they arranged for you to be followed by a protector wherever you went. It is no use protesting about infringement of civil liberties and your constitutional right to privacy, because although LAW-HA-FLACE is a children’s organisation, we operate in an adult world and have to resort to adult ideals.
While in one way it is good to know that you have at last been alerted to the possibility of an attack on your person, we are disappointed that you appear to have rumbled your ‘tail’. Big George in particular is upset, as he has been responsible for the training of all the operators, and in my opinion he has been doing an excellent job. I have seen the syllabus for his Surveillance Operations Course and I was very impressed. He got most of the information from the Internet , and Honza helped him hack into a few normally restricted sources. Honza tells me that the security for the American, Russian and British secret service on-line manuals is laughable, it is practically public information. Big George, however, had to reject most of the advice he found there. You would think that MI6, the CIA and FBI, and the KGB would all know by now that trench coats and dark glasses are almost a uniform.
Given the thoroughness of their training, I am amazed you could detect one of our boys (or girls) trailing you. There is another more worrying possibility. You could have been being followed by a genuine stalker, of an unfriendly nature and with malice on his mind. Big George would certainly hope this was the case, as he hates to think there could be any weaknesses in his organisation. He will contact you shortly and get a detailed description of your pursuer, so that he can check it out. In any case, he wants to assure you that you were in no danger at any time, and that his back up team were on hand ready to take out the threat at the first sign of trouble, just as you would expect from the security arm of a credible World Peace organisation.
So don’t worry, keep up the good work, and leave the dirty details to us,
Your teacher,
J.
Chapter 18 The demise of the red haired demon
Hi Honza,
Thanks for the update on the security checkout on our members. I’m glad to see that so far everyone has come out clean. However, I can tell from your comments on the investigation of our red-haired friend Vladimir that you are a bit disappointed with the result in his case. I always find it amazing how a non-native speaker, faced with a situation about which he feels strongly, can manage the most eloquent and expressive linguistic styles.
In fact, I had a little bit of difficulty in working out who you were talking about at first. ‘When I entered into the smelly reprehensible wormlike creature’s den ‘ puzzled me for a minute or two. I thought you had been carrying out an investigation into the lifestyle of some kind of farm animal. It was only after you described him as ‘that evil red-haired toady’ that I caught on to who it was that you meant. I can just imagine how disappointed you must have been when you were unable to uncover any incriminating evidence.
But I really do have to tell you that your intense dislike of this boy is a little bit unjustified. I grant you that he has an unfortunate ingratiating manner which puts one in mind of a slithery snake covered in axle grease, but your only too apparent feelings of jealousy in respect of his relationship with Tania are entirely without foundation. We have spoken often about him, in passing, in our lessons and I can assure that she finds his toadying no more pleasant than anyone else.
In any case, you can take him off your suspect list, for the time being at least. He is where he can do no harm to anybody, in hospital. He had the bad luck to come across Tania’s Mum one day when he and Tania were having a tête-à-tête about some important LAW-HA-FLACE business. He might have got away with it, as Tania’s Mum was in a particularly calm mood that day, but he couldn’t resist the temptation to suck up to someone new. Of course, when he humbly begged to complement Mrs Tania on her extremely intelligent, hard working and – here’s the killer – beautiful daughter, Tania’s Mum saw red, and you can guess what happened next. He will be in traction for several weeks, and will need crutches until Christmas.
At least he won’t be lonely in hospital. Tania’s dad was unlucky enough to be with his wife at the time, and she turned on him and charged him with the possession of degenerate genes which he just had to pass on to his offspring. You can find him in the next bed to young Vladimir; I’m sure he will appreciate a visit.
As for the other aspect of our investigation, I’m afraid I’m no further forward with discovering the details of the big plan which is hatching in Tania’s head. When I ask her, she admits to having a big idea, but she refuses to give any further details, saying that she hasn’t yet got it all together, and she doesn’t want to appear foolish. I explained I didn’t want her to appear dead, but she just smiled and said I fussed too much.
The American girl, Ruthie, has been a big disappointment. You can normally rely on Americans to be garrulous, and I was really counting on some information from her when I inveigled Tania into taking her on as her aide. But Ruthie has turned out to be the perfect personal assistant, displaying a totally unexpected degree of loyalty and discretion. She is so good at keeping a secret; you would almost believe she had been professionally trained. Not by the CIA of course, they don’t have the expertise for that kind of thing.
So, all in all, Honza, it looks as if we’re still at square one – no sign of who the traitor might be, and no idea what Tania is up to. Personally, I’ve exhausted all logic, and I’m relying entirely on intuition. We’ll get a break soon. I feel it. Something big is going to happen, mark my words!
Patience and good luck,
Tania’s teacher,
J.
Chapter 19 A Visit Stateside
To . [email protected]
From : [email protected]
Subject : Missing students
Dear Alena,
Have you by any chance noticed a couple of missing faces from your class for the past couple of days? Two girls, in fact, both excellent English speakers, who go by the names of ‘Tania’ and ‘Ruthie’. The former has also missed an English lesson with me, without even notifying me of her intended non-attendance. To say I was outraged would be an understatement. I only partially calmed down when I received an e-mail from her to explain her absence. It was sent from Washington DC in the U.S.A., and I quote from it verbatim.
“Hi teach! (See how language skills can degenerate in twenty four hours when exposed to a really bad influence)
“We’re in Washington DC, Ruthie and I. Sorry about the lesson, but everything came up real quick. (She’s been listening to CNN) We arrived here Monday. (CNN again)
Ruthie arranged everything, she’s a real cool kid and hyper intelligent. Tomorrow we’re gonna (I actually cr
ied when I read this) see some guy in the State department so I can go over my new plan for establishing a truce in all conflicts worldwide, and bringing peace and prosperity to war torn nations. Great, huh!
“Some kinda strange things have been happening to us though. First up, when we meet some new guys and Ruthie tells them I’m a Russian, they always begin their conversation by saying
‘Excuse my bad English, but…’. I guess it’s some kind of quaint American custom.
“Then this morning some dude in a big limo almost totalled us at an intersection, but our driver swerved and he missed, and the limo took out a shop window. It went up like an atom bomb when it hit the wall, like it was stuffed with explosives or something. Weird, huh?
“And when we were in NY yesterday, a guy appeared on the subway with a machine gun. I thought we were done for, but some dude in big cowboy boots took out a colt 45 and shot him dead before he could do anything. The cowboy apologised for the blood and noise, but he had been pick-pocketed three times the day before and he’d had enough. Pretty exciting place, not like quiet ole Prague, huh?
“We fly back Thursday. See you Fri!
