by Bates, Aiden
“Word to the wise, Alex.” Chad put a hand on Alex’s shoulder. “Higgins can be kind of touchy. You have to be kind of careful how you treat him, because he can make your life hell.” Chad patted Alex and stepped away. “I hate to be a pain, but I kind of need those done before tomorrow, big guy.”
Alex stared at his computer, tears burning behind his eyes. Someday soon he’d be able to sleep, but today was not the day.
12
Jordan sat down in front of his laptop. He had a ton of work to do. He had photos to edit for his art practice and for his day-job clients. He had planning meetings on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday this week, and direct action on Tuesday and Saturday.
He still didn’t feel he was doing enough, and his dad had told him he wasn’t doing enough when they spoke yesterday, but what more could he do?
Planning meetings don’t count if the things you’re planning don’t happen, son. Jordan’s father’s voice echoed in his head. It’s not enough to sit there and talk. You have to make them go. I get you want to give everyone a voice and make sure you’re not using your privilege to run roughshod over everyone else, but damn it, lives are at stake. You need to stop sitting on your duff and MOVE!
He drummed his fingertips on the table. Okay. He could admit his own flaws to himself, right?
He was slacking. His dad was right. Jordan wasn’t doing enough. The only plans he made that seemed to get off the ground were around immigration fairness and LGBT issues. The rest of the time, Jordan either wound up taking a back seat to others — which was fine, if they were leading — or failed to take enough leadership to make things actually happen.
He couldn’t let that continue. He absolutely had to fight, and fight with everything he had. Jordan had been born into extraordinary privilege, and it was his responsibility to make sure he used it to make the world better.
His phone rang, and caller ID proclaimed the caller to be Alex. Jordan almost ignored it. It wasn’t so much that he didn’t want to talk to Alex. He did. He wanted to hear Alex’s voice so much it hurt. He wanted to see Alex too, and to feel his arms around him.
He couldn’t justify the indulgence. Not when he’d just gotten a dressing-down from his dad about how he wasn’t doing enough to benefit the world.
He picked up anyway, because it had been too long since he’d heard Alex’s voice. If he couldn’t have the comfort of his lover’s arms after that kind of a lecture, he could at least have the comfort of his words. “Hey,” he greeted, with a smile crossing his lips from anticipation alone. “How’s it going?”
The smile in Alex’s voice was an answer to his own. “Busy. Hectic. Anxious. And I miss you.” He cleared his throat a little. “That was pathetic and sappy, wasn’t it? Too much? I can tone it back a little. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t.” Jordan blurted his request out too fast to hold it back. “Don’t. Just — please. Just be yourself with me. Even if it’s sappy. I kind of like it. More than kind of, actually.” He blushed, glad no one could see.
“God, maybe we’re both losing our minds.” Alex huffed out a little laugh. “Do you think we are?”
“Maybe a little bit. How’s work going?”
Jordan took a look at the message his parents had sent. They wanted him to organize a rally against drilling in the Arctic. Okay, drilling in the Arctic was bad, but he wasn’t exactly plugged into that community. He had some connections, sure, but not a lot.
Why would they send him to organize this one, instead of doing it themselves? Was it a test? What were they supposed to be testing?
“Well, that project is over and I’ve gotten it reviewed. And it seems to have been pretty well received. I was wondering if you wanted to come out and celebrate with me.”
A brittle note had entered Alex’s voice. He was obviously afraid Jordan would say no. And with good reason. Jordan was going to have to say no, and not just because anything related to the bank was evil.
“I can’t tonight, I’m afraid. I’ve got a planning meeting for a thing we’re doing for the rainforest.” He hesitated. “The action is a rally on Boston Common on Saturday. Why don’t you join us? It’s for a great cause, and it should be a great day out in the park and the sunshine.”
He could practically hear the wince in Alex’s voice. “I’m afraid I’ve got to say no. My boss’s boss wants me to go to a training session on Saturday. I can’t afford to say no to that, but maybe we can get together afterward, if we’re free at the same time.”
“Yeah, maybe.” Jordan swallowed his disappointment, or at least tried to. “Hey, listen, I’ve got to run. I’ve got to make that meeting. I missed that one planning meeting, and everyone rode me for weeks about it. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“Yeah, of course. Catch you later.”
Alex hung up quickly. Jordan pretended he didn’t know Alex was masking disappointment of his own.
It wasn’t like Alex had anything to be disappointed about. Jordan’s work was just as important as Alex’s. They’d had to miss out on dates for Alex’s job plenty of times, right?
He headed out to the planning meeting, which was being held in Jordan’s favorite dive bar. Here, at least, he was on familiar ground. He had his usual cadre of guys to work with — Ross, Tristan, Vic, and of course Devon.
Tonight was just a status update, to make sure everything was ready for a march against discrimination in adoption policies at the federal courthouse in Boston. The march was supposed to take place on Wednesday, and as far as Jordan knew, everything was in place, but he liked to be sure.
The meeting lasted about an hour, during which they double checked that permits had been obtained and verified, sound equipment had been rented, water would be on site and available, and media would be present to cover the event. All in all, everything seemed to be well in hand, so the group devolved into drinking and gossip.
One by one, the others drifted off, back to their families or their real lives. Only Jordan and Devon were left. Devon slouched down and raised his beer in a kind of half salute. “It has been one hell of a week.”
“It’s only Monday, dude,” Jordan pointed out.
“That makes it my weekend, buddy.” Devon closed his eyes and drank deeply from his glass. “I had a customer yesterday who sent back her water three times. Too much ice. Not enough ice. Wrong kind of ice.
“That should tell you how the rest of her meal went. One of the women she was with actually sent back forty bucks asking me not to spit in her meal, and asked to be re-seated. That’s how awesome yesterday went.”
“Why was she with this woman?” Jordan stared into his beer, as if he could find the answers in the foamy head on top.
“You got me, buddy. I stay in the back. I cook the things. They keep me away from the public for a reason, and it’s not my smoking hot abs. Which are truly smoking hot, I should point out.” He grinned cheerily and put his beer down. “You’re pouting. Tell me why.”
Jordan bit his lip. “I don’t want you to be caught in the middle, you know?”
Devon raised an eyebrow. “So it’s about Alex. I appreciate how you’d rather not put me in the middle, but I am asking. You’re both my friends, and I might be able to help. I mean, I might have information the other one doesn’t have, right? That can only help you in the end.”
Jordan bit the inside of his cheek. Was this the right decision? “Well, he called today, and wanted to go out to celebrate getting a good review for the project he just finished for that damn bank.”
Devon tilted his head and looked around. “And you’re here because…”
Jordan gaped at Devon. Devon had always seemed pretty dedicated, so why was he now balking? “Because this work needs to get done. These actions don’t happen by themselves. I’ve let too many things slide lately, and it’s just not okay.”
Devon sipped from his beer. “Heard from your dad, huh?”
Jordan did a double take. “What? Where are you getting that from?”
“Oh.” Jordan looked down into his beer again. “Am I really that predictable?”
“You both are.” Devon pressed his lips into a long line. “I’m not going to say anything about your dad. He’s your dad, and how you manage your relationship with him is your business. He’s done a lot of good; but he does seem to have a bias where you’re concerned.”
Jordan made a face. “He’s not thrilled about me dating a banker. Especially not one who works for Charles River Bank. If I told Dad I skipped out on a meeting to go hang out with Alex, he’d never speak to me again.
“Never mind what would happen if I admitted we’d gone out to celebrate something he did for the bank. Are you kidding me? He’d probably have me kidnapped and taken to a deprogrammer. I just — I can’t.”
Devon hesitated. “Okay. I know your dad’s not exactly friendly toward Alex. And you guys haven’t been together all that long, so maybe it’s a little early to be thinking long-term.
“But dude. Alex has been absolutely killing himself to get this project done, and the only person he asked to celebrate with him was you. You want that Chad asshole to be the one celebrating his accomplishments with him, be my guest, but something tells me you’re not going to find him waiting around when you decide you’re ready to lighten up.”
Jordan smacked the table lightly. “It’s not about lightening up. It’s about doing what’s right. I can’t just think about myself, or even just think about Alex.
“If the permit had fallen through, everyone would be arrested, or worse. It’s not okay to just slack off. And it’s less okay to just slack off of a project just because Alex did something to benefit an organization that’s probably profiting from exactly the thing we’re going off to protest.”
Devon snorted. “So you can only celebrate Alex’s accomplishments if they fall inside your worldview? That’s awfully magnanimous of you.” He stretched his arms over the back of the booth. “And what, pray tell, would fit into that worldview?”
“It’s not like that, Devon. You know it’s not.” Jordan pinched the bridge of his nose, because it was exactly like that. He just didn’t want to admit it. “I asked him to take a rain check and come to the protest on Saturday. It’s for the rainforest.”
“And I’m guessing from your tone of voice that he declined.” Devon scoffed. “I can’t imagine why.”
“Look. Activism is an important part of my life. If I’m going to be with someone, he’s going to have to accept that about me. And he’s going to have to embrace it.” Jordan crossed his arms over his chest. He knew he looked like a petulant child, but he didn’t care.
“You want him to embrace your activism, and all your causes? You’re not asking much, are you?” Devon laughed, eyes wide. “You’ve got so many causes you have to have a paper day planner to keep them straight, my friend.
“And I don’t doubt you have a full commitment to each and every one of them, but you can’t ask a guy whose life and issues you’re not living to drop everything and commit to your causes with the same fervor. He’s worked so hard, and sacrificed so much, to be in a position where he can send money home to his parents. He’s terrified of losing his job and having to go back to Texas, okay?
“You don’t have to like his employer, but it would be super if you could stop looking down on him for his work just because he doesn’t have the resources to focus on your causes. Pick one, and ask him to join with you on that. He’s most likely to support you on immigration reform and LGBT rights, for the record.
“As for the rest, don’t set him up for failure. Don’t expect him to just fall in line, quit his job, and follow you into battle against the evils of corporate America. He hasn’t asked you to stop doing what you’re doing, he’s just said he’s not willing to give up his precious time off — and it is precious, trust me — to go march around. It’s not his cause.”
Jordan ran his tongue along his teeth for a second. “I don’t know. I love him, but I don’t know if I can live with someone who can’t embrace everything I am.”
“I don’t think he’s the one failing to do that.” Devon toasted him with his beer, and changed the subject.
13
Alex didn’t wake up until he smelled coffee. When he blinked his bleary eyes open, his phone proudly proclaimed it to be ten forty-five in the morning.
“Jesus Christ!” He sat bolt upright in bed, the covers falling down around his hips. “How the hell could I possibly sleep that late?”
Jordan appeared from the main room with two steaming mugs. He smiled and set one on the nightstand, and then sat on the edge of the bed beside Alex.
“You were so tired, I didn’t want to wake you up.” He kissed Alex’s cheek. “How are you doing?”
Alex sank back against the pillows. He should have gotten up earlier. He should have done something more productive with his day.
If nothing else, he should have woken up so he and Alex could spend more time together. It wasn’t like they got a lot of time as it was. “I’m sorry.” He rubbed at his eyes. “You must be so mad.”
Jordan shook his head, still smiling. “Dude. You’ve been running yourself so ragged you were bound to crash eventually. I kind of like taking care of you, you know. Here, hang on and let me go and get you breakfast.” He got up and scurried back into the main room.
He came back five minutes later with a tray table, loaded with scrambled eggs, toast, and even a little bowl of pineapple. “I know how much you’ve been craving pineapple lately, so I made sure I got some the last time I went to the store.”
Alex blinked back tears. “I so don’t deserve you.”
“Sure you do.” Jordan’s grin softened. “Eat up before they get cold. There’s nothing more gross than cold eggs.”
“That’s the truth.” Alex grabbed his fork and started eating. “How long have you been up?”
“Oh, since about eight thirty. I got some work done, slipped out to the store, that kind of thing.” Jordan looked away. “It wasn’t that big a deal, you know. I’ve also been getting some actual sleep, so I was just up and at ‘’em earlier I guess.”
He fidgeted. “Listen, um … can I ask you a weird question?”
Alex laughed a little, even though guilt still broiled him from within. “Of course.”
“How long has this pineapple thing been going on?”
Alex tilted his head to the side. The scent of his new favorite fruit was calling to him, driving him to distraction. “A couple of weeks now, I guess. Why?”
“Hm. And the extreme fatigue?” Jordan fussed with the edge of the sheet.
“Probably about the same. I haven’t exactly been tracking it.” He gulped down some food. “I’ve probably got scurvy from staying inside too long and eating mostly salad.”
Jordan raised his head and blinked. “That’s not how scurvy works, Alex.”
“It’s not?”
“No. You get scurvy from not getting enough vitamin C. Sailors got it, back in the day.
“That’s not the point. You probably should see a doctor, but, um. I got a test.”
Alex did a double take. “A test for scurvy?”
“Would you forget about the scurvy, please? You don’t have scurvy. You have cravings and severe, debilitating fatigue. Drink some coffee, babe.”
Reaching carefully under the bed, he pulled out a plastic CVS bag, reached inside, and withdrew a box. Alex stared at the box. It was black, with silver lettering.
Men’s Extreme Home Pregnancy Test: Turbo-Charged Results with Ultra Speed For Mega Accuracy.
He looked back up at Jordan, who suddenly seemed a hundred miles away. “Oh my God. You think I’m pregnant.”
> “I think it’s a possibility.” Jordan took Alex’s hand and set the test down on the bed. “Don’t you think it’s better to know now, instead of just kind of hoping for the best and sticking your head in the sand? The symptoms fit, and this way you don’t have to take time off from work to go to the doctor and get a bunch of tests you don’t need.”
Alex sighed and moved his tray table. “The problem with dating someone you’ve known since you were a kid is they know exactly which buttons to push.”
He grabbed a piece of delicious pineapple with his fork and swung his feet to the floor. Still chewing, he grabbed the pregnancy test and shuffled off toward the bathroom.
While he waited for the timer to do its thing, he paced. There wasn’t much room in Jordan’s tiny bathroom, but he did his best. He could have easily gone out to pace in the main room, or in the bedroom — where the pineapple was — but that would bring him closer to Jordan.
Alex loved Jordan, but he didn’t want Jordan to see him like this.
He chewed on his fingernails. Babies were fine and good, he supposed. He had always figured it would be nice to start a family of his own, sometime down the road, when he’d achieved the degree of stability he wanted.
Now it would be insane. He’d rather have scurvy — that, at least, was treatable.
Not that having a baby with Jordan would be the worst thing in the world. Jordan was amazing. He made Alex feel safe, and protected, for reasons Alex didn’t even really understand.
He knew all the parts Alex had hidden over the years. He would be the guy Alex would want to start a family with, once he could afford to do so.
The timer pinged. Alex held his breath as he stepped forward to go look at the results. When the little screen on the dipstick told him he was pregnant, or rather “MAN-PREGNANT” because the product had to emphasize its masculinity at every possible turn, he wasn’t surprised.
It was the worst possible outcome, and so it was the only possible outcome.
