by S. Moose
“I need to figure some things out. Once I do, we can ask your dad to come over. Okay?”
“Okay, Mama.” Alex wraps his little arms around my neck and holds me tight. “I have a mommy and daddy.”
We walk into the house, and I’m ready for questions from my mom. She didn’t call me today, so I might be safe. I can only hope she didn’t get wind of what’s going on from Dana and Leigh. My mother’s not a fan of Clayton, and I know she won’t be happy when she finds out he’s back.
If only I could turn back time.
My mother meets us at the door. “Hi, honey. How was camp?”
“My birthday wish came true. I have a daddy, and he’s here.”
Jaw.
Drop.
Wine.
Pronto.
My mother whips her head in my direction, and I cover my face, shaking my head, remembering she was in the shower when Clayton decided to come rolling back into my life.
“Alex, we can talk more about this in a little bit? Once you wash your hands and face, you can pick out your snack.”
“Okay.”
I watch him walk into the kitchen and turn to face my mother. “Don’t. I have no idea what I’m going to do. This is all new to me. I had no idea he was going to come back. He came over this morning, and Alex saw. I’m at a loss. I told Alex I can arrange for Clayton to come by. Seriously I need a muzzle or something.”
“Ashley. No, you did not tell that child he can see his father. This isn’t right. That man lost his rights when he abandoned you. Do not give him another chance. If you do, you’re just showing him he can do whatever he wants. A man like him takes and takes. He doesn’t care about who he hurts or what he does.”
“I didn’t know what else to say. I can’t keep Clayton away from Alex. He knows about him now. And if he’s the same man from before, he’s going to want a relationship with his son. I don’t know what his endgame is, but he’s not going away any time soon. What if he gets lawyers, and we have to go to court?”
“Then we go to court. You need to protect Alex. No matter what, Alex is your number one priority. Don’t let him fool you.”
I sigh and let my head hang. “He’s my number one priority. That’s what I’ve been doing since the day he came into this world. I’ll always protect him, but I can’t let him not see Clayton. He knows about him. They know about each other. I’d rather be civil with Clayton and get it over with. I don’t want to be dragged through court and put Alex through that ordeal. This is me protecting him.”
“You need to do something.” She huffs and places her hands on her hips. “This is a serious matter. That man should not have access to Alex or you. You cannot give him another chance.”
“Can you not right now, Mother? I’m freaking out. It’s been so long since I saw him, and ya know, the first time I see him, I wanted it to be without Alex. Sugar noodle stick.”
“Sugar noodle stick?” she repeats and takes a step toward me, reaching over and taking my jacket from my hand. “Why don’t you go take a shower and have a breather. I’ll stay with Alex. You need to figure out what you’re going to do.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it.”
“No problem, honey. Now go.”
I walk to my bedroom and shut the door. Sitting on my queen-sized bed, I place my head in my hands.
Remembering his eyes and the way he looked at me.
Damn you, time.
It did nothing to him except make him more attractive. The way he stares at me, like I’m the only woman in the world, still makes me weak and ache for him
I remember everything.
His touch, his scent, the way he’d hold me in his arms, and the way we made love, which I didn’t know that feeling he evoked existed.
There were so many times I’d relive our moments together. I clung to those feelings and how he made me come alive. My world felt complete. Everything fell into place when he was with me and by my side. There was no greater feeling than when we were together.
My phone starts ringing from my pocket, and when I reach to get it, I see Clayton’s name. I’m watching his name on my screen until it disappears.
Deep breaths, I tell myself and wait for the alert that I have a new voice message. Right now, my emotions are too unsettled to talk to him. To hear his voice.
The alert breaks my silence, and I unlock my phone and listen to my voicemail.
“Ashley. It’s Clayton. I know I should wait until you let me know when we can talk. I know I have no right to ask if I can talk to you and ask to meet my son, but I’m asking and hope you can introduce us. I don’t want to cause any problems in your life. No. Not at all. Ashley, I’m back for good. I’m not leaving again. I know I left you before and I hurt you. I’m so sorry and I’ll be sorry for the rest of my life. You don’t trust me and I get it. I’m going to make you see how sorry I am and how much I want to meet my son and be in your life again. Please don’t shut me out.”
Chapter 13
Clayton
I reach for my phone to check the time.
Five in the morning.
I slept for six hours. It’s an improvement.
After I got home around ten thirty last night from the office, I took a quick shower and got into bed. I tossed my phone from side to side, wondering if I should’ve texted her and see how she was doing.
I’d always expected my parents to tell me there was a subpoena for a hearing for child support or signing over my rights as a father. It never came.
The screen on my phone is bright as I stare at her face. Thumbing the picture, taking in the memory of her, and regretting the moment I let her walk out of my life.
Sitting up on my bed, I turn and place my feet on my bedroom floor and walk toward the closet. Before opening the door, I take a deep breath and slowly turn the knob, staring at the box on the top shelf. Guilt threatens to rise like a tidal wave taking away everything in its path, pulling down anything in the way, drowning in the depth of its water. I send the guilt to the back of my throat and swallow it.
Reaching up and grabbing the box, I head back to my bed, lifting the cover and taking out the last memory of her.
Dear Clayton,
I hope this letter finds you well.
You’re probably wondering why I’m writing you this letter. I think a part of me is surprised I’m writing to you. I have so much I want to say to you. Maybe one day when our paths cross, we can get coffee and catch up. I’d love to see you again.
I know I’m not in a place to ask you for anything, and I promise I won’t ever ask you for anything. We never got to say goodbye. I guess this is my goodbye to you. Clayton, you changed my life. In the six months we were together, I was so happy and so in love. You taught me about life and happiness. You held me as I cried about my dad, and you helped me get through the long nights I had to work when I came home drained.
There’s no time when it comes to love. Sometimes when you know, you just know.
I’m never going to forget you, and I hope you find some meaning in your life. Be well, Clayton. Live well.
Maybe one day we’ll see each other again.
Ashley
This letter came a few months after I let her walk out the door. I keep it close to me and read it multiple times a day. I can recite the letter word for word. She didn’t bring up the pregnancy. I didn’t know if it was intentional or not.
I stare at the letter again and curse myself for never taking the time to write her back.
All I thought about was Ashley.
All I wanted was her.
Putting away the letter safely in the box, I close it and bring it back to the closet. Standing before it, I take a step back and shut the closet door. It’s a new day, and I need to get ready for work. I’m getting good at hiding my emotions and going through the day without letting anyone touch me. Pretending I’m not consumed by the memories of what could’ve been. By what I fucked up.
No.
I push it all aside a
nd carry on with the day as if I’m not wondering where she is and what she’s doing. You’d think I’d do everything in my power to gain the courage to find her.
A person has to wonder how many shards of glass it takes to tear open your soul and rip it to shreds. Until there’s nothing to hold it together, and all it can do is fall apart.
The keys make a clattering sound as I drop them on top of the marble island at my place. The five-mile run did nothing to help clear my head. All I want to do is talk to Ashley, beg her to hear me out, and give us a chance to sit down and talk.
I start pacing the living room, muttering how I need to come up with a better plan to talk to Ashley. Ambushing her isn’t the answer. “What the hell am I supposed to do?”
I spin around when I hear the doorbell. Opening the door, I see a younger version of Ashley on the other side of the door.
“Leigh?”
She nods. “That would be me. I think you and I need to talk. Can I come in?”
I open the door wider. “Sure thing.”
She walks in, carrying her purse over her shoulder, and takes a seat on the couch.
“I’m sorry if I seem rude. I wasn’t expecting you to come here. How did you find me?”
“I may have bribed Will with food for your address. I know we haven’t met. I’m Leigh, which you already knew. I wanted to come over here and let you know something.”
I’m a little nervous. This isn’t the kind of meeting I wanted with any of Ashley’s family. “What is it that you need to say?”
My stomach tightens.
“You coming back into Ashley’s life is causing her so much stress. You see that, right?”
“That’s not something I want to happen.”
“I get that. No one wants to hurt another person, but you did. You hurt her. I know Gina talked to you, and now it’s my turn.”
I open my mouth to speak, but Leigh keeps going.
“You don’t let someone leave your life and then come back years later. She’s a much stronger woman today. She’s successful and fought through obstacles by herself. My sister doesn’t allow anyone to cross her walls. Besides Alex, there’s no one else in her life. I think you need to leave her alone.”
I freeze. “What?”
She leans forward, keeping her eyes focused on mine. “You heard me, Clayton. You need to leave her and Alex alone. They’ve been completely fine without you, and they’ll continue to be fine without you. I won’t let you come into their lives to make them fall in love with you, then you leave for whatever reason. If you want to be in Alex’s life, then send him a birthday and Christmas card. Give him presents. Your presence in his life will only confuse him. He’s been asking about you for years.”
“And now I’m here.” I interrupt her. “I realize my mistakes, and I want to make up for them. I know I’m asking for the world.”
“You’re right. You’re asking for the world, and you might be used to getting what you want, but not this time. There’s nothing you can do to make it right. You let her walk out the door, and she went through a very complicated pregnancy by herself. She went through labor by herself. That little boy, my nephew, was hanging on to dear life while she was trying to heal. You have no idea of the stress everyone felt, especially Ashley and Alex. So, yeah, you can’t make it right.”
My patience for Leigh is dwindling. “I get it that we don’t know each other, and you’re trying to protect your sister, but you don’t know who I am and what I’ve been through. I’m here now to make it up to them. That’s what’s important.”
The fantasy of Ashley and Alex being back in my life becomes a firm reality. The reality I’ve been thinking about nearly every day since the day I let her go.
I was a hot-headed, stubborn twenty-three-year-old. My life was only starting, and we’d been together for six months when she told me the news. Hearing her tell me she was pregnant made all my wishes and dreams fade away. I watched my hard work fly out the window, and I was left with nothing. I’m a Turner, and Turners always amounted to something. Everything I worked hard for would’ve been for nothing. I told her to take care of the problem. I called our child a problem. I cursed myself for being an asshole to her and taking this long to come face-to-face with the woman who holds my heart in her hands.
My hand goes to the back of my neck, rubbing the ache away. “I’ve asked Ashley for another chance, and I’m giving her time.”
Leigh makes a face. “I don’t think you coming back is a good idea,” she says, standing up to face me. “You are not a good idea.”
Taking her hands into mine, I peer into Leigh’s eyes. “I need you to understand something. I love Ashley and Alex. They’ve been my reason. I left Seattle to be with my family and help my mom. My father suffered a stroke, and he was in the hospital for a while, so I couldn’t leave them. I needed to be the rock for my family. It was my brother, Nolan, and I. My mother was a wreck. She couldn’t handle the pressures of taking care of my father and his position at work by herself. I had to leave everyone behind and be there for my family. When it was time to leave and come back, I did. Without looking back. So I’m back to repair the damages I left behind.”
Leigh’s hands cover her mouth. “I didn’t know. Does Ashley know?” I shake my head. “You need to tell her.”
“I will,” I whisper and pull back a little to contain my emotions. “I’m here now, and I’m going to fight for my family.”
“I see that now.”
“I’m glad you do. I know I don’t deserve them. Nothing was done on my part to deserve getting another chance, but all I’m asking is for Ashley to keep an open mind and let me in.”
I’m not going to let it stop me. I let her go before, but I’m not going to let her go again. No matter what it takes, Ashley and our son will know who I am and the man I want to be.
“You should go talk to her. She’s home.”
I nod. “Thank you. I’ll walk you out.”
Each beat of my heart pounds harder against my chest as I take the final steps up to the door. Before I can raise my finger to the doorbell, the door opens, and I’m faced with a short woman with short brown hair and dark brown eyes. I’d know those eyes anywhere.
“Hi.” Pathetic, I know, but it’s the only thing I’m able to say. “I know we haven’t met, and I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry we’re meeting like this. I’m Clayton…”
“I know who you are.” She raises a brow, and I watch her open the glass door and step outside. She’s shielding me from what’s in the house. “There’s a reason I’m not very welcoming, Mr. Turner. You are not a good man. You walked away and let them go. Now, you can do the same.”
Where both sides of my heart live.
“I won’t walk away again. I have a son, and I’d like to get to know him. I’d like to mend my relationship with Ashley. Even if we don’t end up together, at least she and I can co-parent.”
She raises her hand in the air. “You have some nerve to come here and talk to her, Mr. Turner. How dare you come over and try to worm your way back into Ashley’s life? She’s been a mother to that sweet boy since the day he was born. And it was without you. She’s perfectly capable of continuing to be his mother.”
I step back. “I’m sorry. I know my words are cheap, but I mean it. I’m here to hopefully talk to Ashley and let her know how sorry I am. Let her know I’m here to make things right.”
“Your words mean nothing to me,” she shoots back. “I know why you’re here. My grandson told me everything. Do you know how hard the pregnancy was on my daughter?”
I gulp in fear, swallowing my shame.
“Do you know when your son was born, my daughter nearly bled to death? She went against medical advice. For months I saw her suffer. She was weak and bedridden. Your son was born ten weeks early. For nearly three months, he was in the NICU. For two weeks, my daughter was in a coma. Do you have any idea what’s that like on a parent?”
“Mom.”
We bot
h look over, and I’m doing everything I can not to rush to her and bring her in my arms.
Ashley.
“Mom. Stop. It’s okay. Can you please come inside and stay with Alex?”
Alex.
My son.
My boy.
“Ashley…”
“It’s okay. I got this.”
Her mom gives me a look before walking inside. It’s the two of us outside a home she built with our son. Once we’re alone, I watch Ashley cross her arms across her chest and step down from the patio step, walking away from me. Following her, I walk around her to face her.
“Ashley…”
“Leigh gave me a heads-up she talked to you. I’d say sorry, but I’m not,” she says, keeping her eyes on the road before us, avoiding eye contact with me. “For a moment. For a single moment, I thought I could get over this and allow you to come back into my life and meet Alex.” Her eyes leave the road and find mine. “It’s just hard, Clayton. This is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Having you back in our lives is a risk I’m taking, but Leigh told me about your dad.” She pauses for a moment and clears her throat. “I understand why you had to leave, but I don’t understand the silence.”
“Being there for my dad, making sure my family was okay, that took all of my time. I got hit with running a company with my brother. I had to make sure my mom was okay, and my dad was getting better. It would’ve been easy to pick up the phone, to tell you I was sorry, and how much I missed you. I didn’t know what to do. I was scared. I was a coward. It’s that simple.”
“There’s nothing simple about what’s going on between us. Maybe if you had tried, then we wouldn’t be where we are now.”
I step forward, tentative, praying she won’t move away from me. “I know that, and I’m trying here. Can you honestly tell me you would’ve returned my texts? You would’ve returned my calls?”
“To be honest, I don’t know.”
“Either way, I couldn’t do it to you. I couldn’t bring myself to rush back into your life, knowing I had to be here for my family. It wasn’t fair.”
