by S. Moose
“Please don’t talk with your mouth full.”
I’m exhausted. I worked sixteen-hour days for the past three days, and today, since leaving work and coming home, Alex is on a kick talking about Clayton and how cool he is and how he wants Clayton to come over more. I’m going through a mix of emotions. There’s part of me that’s excited Alex is happy about meeting Clayton and getting to know him. Then there’s part of me that’s jealous of how much Alex is starting to adore Clayton.
I’ll admit I’m proud of him and want to hear more about how he and Nolan came to run a business. It hurts knowing he needed to be there for his family.
I get it.
“I know. You always remind me of things I already know.”
I smile. “Get used to it. What’s your question?”
“Since you’re working overnight on Saturday, can Dad come over and spend the night with me?”
The spoon is in midair, and I don’t know how to answer his question. As much as I would love for that to happen, the idea of Clayton at my house when I’m not here doesn’t sit well with me. Then again, I’m not entirely surprised he wants to spend more time with his dad.
Since the first time Clayton met Alex, he’s been over three times for dinner and will stay to watch a movie then put Alex to bed. I chuckle at watching Clayton watch Disney movies. It only shows he’ll do anything for him, and his devotion is clear. I can’t fault him for that either.
As soon as Alex was placed in my arms when I came out of my coma, I cried and pressed my lips against his head. I whispered how much I loved him and how much I wanted him to be okay. He had me wrapped around his finger.
After he’s in bed, Clayton sticks around for another hour, and we make small talk. He’s told me about his time back with his family and starting this company, and I vent about my day at work.
I’m nervous to admit and accept this is turning into something. I don’t know if I can trust myself to believe something will happen between us. He hasn’t brought up the past or the future. But he watches me the way he used to when we were younger. If I’m doing the dishes, I can sense him staring, and I’ve caught him a few times. My body isn’t the same as it used to.
After having Alex, I developed a horrible image of my body and became anorexic. I wasn’t able to produce milk, so he was fed with formula. Leigh stepped in and got me the help I needed, and since then, I’ve gained close to thirty pounds. This was the heaviest I’d been, and it bothered me. I kept my workout schedule as best I could, but my desire to work out disappeared after working a sixteen-hour shift.
“Well, I don’t think that can happen. Grandma will be here with you.”
Alex sighs in defeat and rests his head on his hand, slumped over at the kitchen table.
“Honey, I’m sorry. I don’t see how it can happen.”
“But Dad wants to get to know me and hang out. It’s a good idea.”
I put my spoon down and look at my son. He’s normally happy and energetic, but my answers have deflated him.
“I’m only trying to protect you. One day, you’ll see that.”
“From what?” He doesn’t look at me. Instead, he plays with his dinner with his spoon. “Dad’s Captain America. I trust him.”
“Alex,” I let out a sigh and mentally count to ten before I say anything. “Alex, I know you’re upset with me, and I’m sorry to disappoint you. One day you’ll understand.”
“Okay.”
We spend the rest of the night without saying anything. After dinner, Alex goes to his bedroom to get ready for a shower. I stand by the bathroom door, waiting for him, when I hear him talking.
“What?” I walk down the hall and open the door slightly to see him on the phone.
“Mom said you can’t sleep over.”
Pause.
“I don’t know, Dad. I tried. I’m sorry you can’t spend the night. I want to spend more time with you. Maybe you can talk to her?”
Pause.
“I miss you, Dad. I hope I can see you soon.”
Pause.
“I love you too.”
Placing the phone down, he sits on his bed and hangs his head. My heart breaks, and I feel like I’m the bad guy because I’m trying to do what’s right in my heart and take things slow. I’m his mother, and mothers know best.
Am I doing the right thing?
When Alex falls asleep, I head to the living room and straighten up. A knock on the door gets my attention, and then I see Gina walking in.
“What are you doing here?”
She smiles, holding a bottle of wine in one hand and a bag from the grocery store in the other hand. “Well, when my best friend texts me asking if she’s a good mom, I take that as my cue to get over as soon as I’m done with work with wine and snacks so we can veg on the couch and watch SWAT.”
I sigh and walk over to her, giving her a hug and taking the bag of snacks. “Thanks for doing this. Didn’t you pull a double today?”
Gina’s a NICU nurse. The department has been short-staffed for a few months, so she’s working extra hours, and with her brother’s daughter in the NICU, it’s starting to get to her.
“How’s Marcy doing?”
Gina’s face beams at the sound of her niece’s name. “Better. They don’t think she’ll go home tomorrow, but my brother’s hopeful. His job is letting him take as much time away from the office so that’s a plus.”
“Any word on her?”
Gina freezes when I bring her up, and I regret asking. Marcy’s mom, Jen, left the hospital after giving birth, and she hasn’t been seen since. Grant, Gina’s brother, tried looking for her. He’s coming up short and isn’t sure where else she would be. They had their problems, but I didn’t think it was bad enough for her to leave him and their daughter.
“Nope, and I don’t care. Thank goodness he never asked her to marry him. I hate that bitch. Who the hell leaves their daughter? Marcy’s finally doing better, but it took almost a month. That little girl’s been fighting for her fucking life, and her birth giver’s out there somewhere. Just pisses me off. It’s people like Jen that give women a bad name. Do you know how many families are out there trying to have a baby? They’re going through hell and back, but you have women like Jen who’ll have a baby then leave without turning back. It makes me sick to my stomach.”
I place my arm on Gina’s shoulders and tug her to my side so she can rest her head on my shoulder. “I know. You’re an amazing aunt. Marcy will always know what love is between you, Grant, and your parents.”
“Just sucks. We see so much shit in the NICU, and you see the tiny humans with cancer fighting for their lives. Why are we even nurses? Like seriously. What’s the damn point?”
“Because we want to take care of people. We want to help those in need and give comfort. We’re the voices for these tiny humans, and we need to be strong.”
“I know.” She sighs and lifts her head, reaching down and grabbing a bag of Cheetos. “So, what’s going on with you? Fill me in and take my mind off what’s going on with Marcy.”
I fill her about Clayton and him saying he loves Alex and wants to spend time with us.
“Then we’re outside, and he has me cornered saying he loves me, and he’s not going anywhere.” I pause, thinking I hear Alex. When the quiet takes over, I continue telling her about what’s going on. “Alex asked me if Clayton could spend the night Saturday since I’m pulling an overnight, and I said no. The look on his face… I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him disappointed. I feel like I’m failing him and letting my fears dictate how to handle the situation.”
“You’re doing the right thing. You need to get a feel of Clayton and see what he’s up to. On the one hand, he could be telling the truth and want to get to know Alex and mend things with you. Then, on the other hand, he might leave when things get tough.”
“That’s who Clayton is, and I can’t bring myself to trust he’ll be there for us when something happens. I want to believe he’s go
ing to do the right thing.”
“Listen to your heart.”
I scoff and take a drink from my wineglass. “My heart is saying one thing, and my head’s saying something else. I want to trust him.”
With Clayton back, it’s knocked me off course. Decision-making never used to be this hard. I have to think about Alex and what’s best for him. Then a part of me needs to protect myself.
I feel myself getting emotional and suck in a breath. “It’s not fair. He can’t come back after all this time and expect me to welcome him back into our lives with open arms.”
“You need to have a long talk with Clayton and tell him everything you’re feeling. Don’t hold anything back.”
“We have.”
“Have another one and try not to be emotional when you talk to him. You need to have a rational head on your shoulders. Don’t give him the upper hand to use anything against you.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Do you think he’d do that?”
“Want the truth?” I nod. “No. I think Clayton’s being honest and wants to be Alex’s Dad. I think he’s thrown off as well because he wasn’t expecting you to put up such a fight. He loves you and I know you love him too. Don’t let your fear make decisions. You have someone willing to make things work. Most men don’t turn back, but Clayton’s trying and that should tell you something.”
I blow out a breath and feel my spine stiffen. “I’ll try.”
“Best you can do. Now, enough of our dramas. Let’s focus on the hotness that is Jay Harrington.”
The next morning when I get Alex in the car so he can get to camp, he looks at me, and I ask him, “Are you okay, honey?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course. You can always ask me anything.”
Alex sighs and looks around before asking me his question. “Can I have a mommy and daddy?”
This question throws me back, and I’m not entirely sure what he’s asking. “What do you mean? You have me here, and Daddy comes over to see you. Do you want to see him more?”
“I want Daddy to live with us. All my friends have mommies and daddies together. I don’t have that.”
“Oh.” I hold back my tears. I’m not ready for this talk, especially with my five-year-old. “Mommy and Daddy are friends, honey. You get to see him whenever you want. If you want him to come over more, then I’ll ask him.”
“It’s not fair.” Alex’s tears fall from his eyes. “I love you, and I love Daddy. I want Mommy and Daddy together.”
“Oh, honey. I know. These kinds of things take time.”
He huffs. “Whatever, Mom.”
I groan. I hate it when he gets into these moods. Nothing I say will make him feel better, and somehow, I think it’s my fault.
“I love you, Alex. So much.”
“I love you too, Mom,” he mumbles and looks away.
Am I failing as a mother?
After dropping Alex off at camp, I head to Dana’s to check on her and get advice from my older sister.
Walking through the door, she immediately hugs me. “You okay?”
“My son hates me,” I slump my shoulders and shuffle to her couch. “Aw, your baby belly is getting bigger. How are you feeling?”
“My doctor pulled me from work. I have eight more weeks, but I swear I could go at any time.”
“I’m so excited to have a nephew. Do you have names yet?”
She places her hand on her face and rubs her forehead. “Ugh. No. We cannot figure out. Jesse has a few ideas, and so do I. We just can’t agree on anything.”
“Oh, man. I’m sorry. Let me see the list, and I’ll give you my ideas on it.”
Dana shakes her finger at me. “Not a chance. You came over for a reason, and from the look on your face, you have a lot on your mind, so spill the beans. What’s going on?”
“Alex hates me. He’s asking why Clayton and I don’t live together. It’s been a month since Clayton’s been back in our lives, and so far, I guess it’s been good. In the beginning, I hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. Now, I don’t know, Dana. He’s starting to put himself in our lives, and Alex is falling more and more in love with him. I can tell he’s over the moon in love with his son. Now, where does that leave me?”
“I hear you. You have to remember Alex is only five, and he’s seeing his friends with their parents together, so he wants the same.”
“That’s the problem. It’s been a month. It’s not like I’m going to have Clayton move in or anything. We’re friends, and yeah, I mean, I love him, but right now, we can’t be together.”
“Why not?” Dana tilts her head and is pushing me to open more. “Besides him leaving, which I agree was a douchebag move, but what else is holding you back?”
“I don’t want to be hurt again.”
Clayton leaving left me broken. I had to lift myself up. After I sent him the letter, I didn’t hear back. It was torture. I didn’t know what was going on and why he didn’t love me anymore. By the time I got over him and started moving on with my life, nothing worked, and I hated being alone, but I was beginning to accept it.
Then Clayton shows up at my door.
“How do I know if I can trust him?” I look down and play with the cuticles on my nails. “It’s hard, Dana.”
“I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I know what you’re going through. I think you and Clayton need to spend more time together. Not just with Alex, but the two of you. So many years have passed, so who knows if the love is there. You might be driving yourself crazy for no reason.”
“Yeah, I hear you. I need to just take the leap of faith and spend time with Clayton. Even if we don’t end up together, we still need to co-parent.”
“Amen. You do. Alex deserves to have parents who love him and who get along. Always put him first.”
“I do.”
I’m barely holding on. Between Alex’s questions and having Clayton here…it hurts. I miss him, and I’ve missed him for so long. I can push him away all I want, but he’s not going away. He loves Alex and Alex loves him.
I swallow a whimper, thinking about Clayton and Alex. When I drop these walls, I hope I’m making the right choice because I can’t go through the kind of hurt Clayton left behind again. Alex can’t go through that heartbreak.
Chapter 22
Ashley
Friday.
My favorite day of the week. On these days, I look forward to picking Alex up from camp and grabbing take out, then vegging out in front of the television while we watch a movie. I let Alex stay up a little later than usual and soak in all of his laughs, smiles, and just sitting there, watching the movie.
I’ve had this day planned for weeks. Working as a nurse, it’s hard to take time off. When I’m able to get time off, I make sure we spend all the time we can together. Life’s too short, and whenever I blink, he’s getting older.
Now, I’m not looking forward to today because at four thirty, Clayton’s coming over to my house to spend time with Alex.
Sharing my son is torture. I’m not ready for them to be together one on one, so that’s why he’s coming over for dinner. Instead of takeout, I’m making spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread and salad.
It’s one of Alex’s favorite meals, and I love making it for him.
When the doorbell rings, I see Alex flash to the door and open it before I can tell him to ask who it is before opening the door.
It’s been two weeks since I’ve seen Clayton. He’s been out of town for work, and I’m not ready to see him again. I’m not ready to have Alex see him either. He’s been asking for his dad and wondering when he’ll come back and hang out.
Letting Clayton come over tonight seems to be too much. Alex has been looking forward to tonight since I told him. He didn’t question whether or not he’d come over. It’s like he knows his father will show up, and he doesn’t have to wonder.
Unlike me.
“Hey.” I turn and look at Clayto
n. “I got you these.” He hands the bouquet to Alex, and he gives it to me.
“These are pretty, Mama.”
“Yeah. Pretty.” I avoid eye contact with Clayton. I don’t want to think about him being here. “So, dinner’s almost ready.”
“Yes!” Alex turns to his dad. “Mom makes the best spaghetti. She told me I have to eat my veggies. Do you like veggies?”
“Love them. It’s important to eat all the greens.”
Alex shrugs and takes Clayton’s hand. They disappear, and I finally let out the breath I’ve been holding since he walked into the kitchen.
My kitchen.
I spent some moments thinking about how it’ll be if I take Clayton back. We’d be a family, and Alex wouldn’t have to see his dad on a schedule. Can I do that for him?
The rational part of me screams and internally shakes me. I can’t think of possibly taking him back. As much as I love him, as much as I want to give Alex a family, I need to think about what would happen if I take Clayton back and if he bails again.
Clayton comes into the kitchen and places his hands in his pockets. “So I need to ask you something.”
I brace myself. “Sure. What’s up?”
“I’d like to spend more time with Alex. Even if it’s an hour or two. Will that be okay?”
“When would you like to do that?”
“Anytime that works for you.”
I try to hide my disdain. “We can play it ear by ear. Did you have a day in mind?”
“Like I said, whatever works for you. If I can take him to camp or even pick him up. I’d like to help you out as much as possible. I’d like to be there for him and get to know him. I won't bullshit you. There are walls surrounding you and Alex, and I understand why you have them. If you ask me something, I’m going to be honest.”
“We can take it day by day. There’s something I want to ask you.” I watch Clayton let out a heavy breath. “Am I fooling myself?”
“I know what you’re thinking and why. I’m not saying this because of Alex. I had the best life with my parents and saw the love my dad has for my mom. He puts her above everything. He puts Nolan and me above everything. I see their love, and it’s empowering. It’s incredible. We may not end up together, and even though I’ll wish that with all my heart, I’m still going to do whatever it takes to get you back, and I’m going to make you see how I’ve changed and how I want to give Alex a good life.” His eyes hold mine. “I’ve missed his birthdays and all the holidays. If you let me, I won’t miss those days and nights anymore. I want to see his face on Christmas morning. I want to see him blow out his candles and open presents. I want it all.”
