“I useta love this book.”
“Look up there.” He points to a faded, yellowing sign at the top of this section. I have to squint to make it out, but then I see it. NEW BOOKS FOR 1928. Wow. Hard to imagine that these old books were new once.
“Crazy, right?” he asks. “Most of ’em are older than these. At some point, they closed it, but nobody ever did anything with it. Never redistributed the books. Never fixed up this old space. It’s almost like… like they’d rather lose money on a property, let all this perfectly good furniture and these perfectly good books rot, than give colored kids a chance to read. A place to go.” He picks up a copy of Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm and, my god, I do believe that Clayton just wiped a tear from his eye.
“How’d you find this place?” I ask him.
He grins. “Playin’ jailbreak this one time.”
I glance away from him, embarrassed. Hearing the word “jailbreak” come from his lips instantly transports me back to last summer and me fallin’ in that damn mud puddle.
If he’s also rememberin’ that moment, he doesn’t act like it. “I got the door open easy so I thought it’d be the perfect hidin’ place. Then I figured out what it really was. I gave myself up so I wouldn’t have to share my discovery with anyone. My team was pissed,” he finishes.
“I don’t blame ’em,” I laugh.
“You like it?”
“Uh-huh.” I kiss his lips like I’m tryna inhale ’em. He backs me up against one of the bookcases, and a humungous cloud a dust kicks up, and we cough like crazy. Then we laugh so hard it hurts, which defuses the moment, but we don’t mind.
“Clayton?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for sharin’ this with me.” He traces the length of my face with his index finger, and I wanna bite it off.
And then the strangest thing happens.
“Do you feel that?” Clay asks.
“Feel what?” I barely get the words out before I feel it too. Moisture. Like a rainy mist, but inside the building. Clay looks up at the ceiling for a leak, which wouldn’t make a bit of sense, cuz you don’t get mist from a leak, and it ain’t even rainin’. That’s when my eyes put the pieces together.
“Clay. Look.”
He looks where I’m lookin’, and he sees it too. The colors. We’re not in a mist. We’re in a rainbow. Clay’s mouth falls open. This defies the laws of nature. There’s no rain or sun. And yet here we are. Surrounded, embraced by water, color, and light. Instead of going out, the candle flames shine brighter. I feel tears of joy slide down my cheeks. We are not only seeing a rainbow up close in real life, we’re feeling it. We are in a goddamn rainbow!
The thought crosses my mind, but it couldn’t be, could it? Then again, what else could it be?
I grab Clay’s hand. I don’t want to close my eyes to this sight, but I have to know if this is me. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and I look again.
And it’s gone.
“What— How— What was that?” Clay asks me.
“I don’t know,” I say, almost to myself. I can’t believe my own senses. If Clay hadn’t just witnessed this, I’d seriously think I had bats in my belfry. But I’m not crazy. I am powerful in ways I never imagined I’d be. Ways I never imagined I could be. It’s as thrilling as it is frightening.
“A natural wonder is my guess,” I say, trying to explain it away. “These things can happen. I’ve read about bizarre weather events happenin’ in different parts of the world, but I never thought I’d see it myself.”
Clay smiles a new smile: a shy, youthful smile.
“Feels like the world is much more magical when you’re around,” he says.
I try to smile back, but it’s hard. I’m not ready for him to know the truth about me. I don’t wanna scare him. I want him to think I’m normal for as long as possible. But how long can I keep it hidden? I made up all that poppycock about weather. I’m jubin’ on a whole new level, and it’s too much for me.
7 Chivalry
CLAYTON AND I TAKE TURNS reading to each other from Rikki-Tikki-Tavi in the dim light. We’re sittin’ all cozy on a miniature version of the tea party table from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, and we’re both wearing what we can only guess were birthday party hats kids wore back in the teens or twenties or thereabouts.
“Where we goin’ next?” he says.
“Mmm. I gotta be gettin’ home soon,” I say, wishin’ it weren’t true.
Clay nuzzles my neck with his nose and then playfully nibbles on it. “Okay,” he says, though he’s clearly not happy about it, “but we must do one more thing. Then I’ll take you home.” I plant a silly mwah kiss on his forehead. He raises an eyebrow at me.
“This has been perfect. You don’t need to take me nowhere else,” I tell him.
“Yeah, I do,” he says, and he hops off the table. We put the books and the party hats away, and I help Clay douse most of the candles. Once we’re outside, he blows the last one out and leaves it inside near the door.
“I didn’t mean we had to rush,” I say.
“I don’t wanna get you in trouble. Don’t worry. We’ll come back here sometime. Come on.” He takes my hand, walks me to the car, and opens my door. I get inside and wonder where we could possibly be going now. Wherever it is, it may be nice, but there’s no way it’s gonna be as special as the colored children’s library. Maybe if it’s safe enough, I can take the twins there for their birthday. If they behave.
He gets in and turns the key in the ignition.
“How long you been drivin’?” I ask.
“Psh,” he scoffs, looking over his shoulder before pulling out. “I could drive since I’s twelve. Legally? Only for two years.”
We ride along and talk about school and stuff. Clay just graduated, and he’s pretty happy about it. I’m not ready to think about what that means for the future—our future—so I tell him the guys on the baseball team will sure miss him. He agrees, but it don’t seem like he’ll miss them. He only played cuz his dad pressured him to take up a sport. Somehow he was good at it, even though he was always bein’ careful with his hands. His fingers are meant for trumpet valves, not catchin’ ground balls.
Eventually, he turns off on a windy road going upward. My ears start poppin’ cuz a the elevation shift. Now I know exactly where he’s takin’ me. It’s the lookout. Some folks call it “lovers’ lane.” It’s my favorite place in town because it’s the perfect spot to watch star formations, and I’ve come up here a few times to do just that. But I’ve never been here with a date before. I love this place, and I feel warm and giddy at the thought that I’m gonna be here with Clay.
I hope he ain’t turnin’ me into a fool.
At the top of the summit, Clay parks the car and gets out. Now that part I wasn’t expecting; people on dates don’t usually exit their cars at the lookout. But I sit tight this time, giving him the chance to come over and open the door for me.
“M’lady,” he says as he opens it. I smile and step out, and he guides me to a specific spot, close to the cliff’s edge. We’re up so high, that I can’t see the ground below. It’s just darkness when I look straight down. There’s no one else around, and to be honest, I’m not sure how safe this is, but I trust Clay, so I relax.
“Look down there,” he says, pointing. From here, we can see all the lights of our town. I’ve never seen it look so beautiful. In fact, I ain’t never seen it look beautiful at all. Truthfully, I only ever look up when I come here on my own, so this is all new to me.
“Wow. It’s so pretty from up here. I can’t believe it,” I say.
“Yeah, it’s pretty, but notice anything else?” he asks eagerly. I look again and look hard this time.
“Oh, I see it! That new Dairy Queen place!”
“Not that!”
I roll my eyes but look once again and see nothing except all the lights.
“I give up. What am I sposeta be seein’?”
Clay sucks his teeth. “It looks like a big
map a the United States.”
“What?” I look again. I squint. Okay. When I squint, I can maybe, kinda see it, but… no, not really.
“Well, yeah if Florida was shaped like a toothbrush.”
“It ain’t exact, Evvie!”
“Sure ain’t. Cuz Maine looks like a drumstick and California seems to be broken into two islands and a daggone peninsula. But other than all that, the likeness is uncanny,” I tease. He responds by tickling me, and I nearly fall out on the ground laughing, but then I shove him away cuz I’ve had enough, and he stops.
I glance back at the lights, really tryna see what he sees. But I can only see this map’s flaws now.
I sit on the hood and sigh. Clay sits next to me.
“Well,” he says.
“Well indeed,” I say back.
“So? Now you seen my two favorite places. When I’m gonna see yours?” he asks.
I hate that I can feel myself startin’ to blush. “This is my favorite place, Clay.”
His eyes widen, stunned.
“You serious?”
I nod my head, staring deep into his eyes.
“Why?” he wants to know.
“Why? Why do you ask?”
Clay sorta coughs and tries to chuckle. “Just wonderin’.” His eyes wander back out toward the view as he casually asks, “So? You been up here a lot? With—uh—friends?”
I frown, puzzlin’ over what he’s tryna say. When I get it, I’m flattered, not slighted, the way other girls might take it. He wants to know if I’ve been up here foolin’ around with guys.
“No. I usually come by myself. Probably sounds silly, but I like lookin’ at star formations, constellations, meteor activity. Comets. That type a thing.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Despite the lights from the town down there, this is the best place I’ve found to make out the stars clearly.”
Clay stares at me a long time, not sayin’ a word.
I feel a little exposed. I just never talk about this stuff with anyone.
“So. Yeah. That’s why this is my favorite place.”
He’s still just starin’! Does he think it’s that weird?
“How come you ain’t sayin’ nothin’?” I finally ask him.
He leans in and kisses me softly, then he pulls back, barely enough to free his lips from mine.
“There’s just nobody else like you.”
My whole damn body must’ve turnt burgundy by now with how much he’s makin’ this brown girl blush.
“I think—I think you’ve said that before.”
“Don’t be surprised if I say it again,” he whispers.
I can’t believe the intense way he’s lookin’ at me now. Like he’s finna swallow me up. And then I can’t help but wonder how many other girls he’s looked at, just like this.
He attempts another kiss, but I pull away.
“What’s wrong?” He looks like I just smacked him.
I tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear. I start to speak but can’t. How do I say what I wanna say? I can’t just come out and ask him if he’s been with dozens of girls. Even though, in a way, he just asked me the same thing. I fiddle with the belt loops on my pedal pushers. He takes hold of both my hands to keep me from fidgeting.
“What’s goin’ on, Evvie?”
I think about it a different way, puttin’ the focus on me instead a him.
“We’ve known each other since before I can remember, but you never—uh—paid me a whole lotta attention. No more than anybody else, I mean. What’s different about me now?”
He seems completely shocked. I guess I am a little bit too. I didn’t realize that the suddenness of him, while like the dreamiest of dreams, had been eating at me. Making me think it could all end just as suddenly.
“Nothin’,” he says.
“Then it’s you that’s different?”
“No, there’s no—nobody and nothin’ is any different. Really.”
“Then damn, Clay! What the hell took you so long?”
He makes a strange face, somewhere between wantin’ to laugh and wantin’ to throw up. Maybe I shouldn’t be pushin’ him. I do want to know, but is it worth upsetting him? Of course, if he gets all worked up over a few simple questions, what’s he gonna do when we have a real fight?
“Evalene? I wanted to be somebody you’d be proud to have on your arm, ya know? That kinda thing takes time. I didn’t wanna mess up. With you,” he says.
“That wouldna happened.”
“You don’t know that,” he whispers. Then he clears his throat. “Anyway, I’m here now, and I ain’t plannin’ on goin’ nowhere.” He leans in so fast to kiss me this time I don’t have a chance to pull away at first, but eventually I do.
“Thing is? I’ve heard things, Clay,” I tell him. “And it ain’t all so good.”
“Like what?” he asks sharply. I’m caught off guard by his sharpness.
“I’ve heard that you have quite a few… lady friends.”
Clay stares straight ahead. A cloud of sadness passes over him. “That what you heard?”
“Yeah,” I say, now wishing I hadn’t brought it up, cuz he looks so hurt, it’s killin’ me.
“It’s none a my business,” I tell him. “You’re free to be with as many girls as you want. But,” I begin carefully, “I don’t wanna be one among many. I feel like I gotta be honest about that.”
Clay nods, and he looks down at the ground for a few seconds.
“This somethin’ you already made up your mind about?”
No! I haven’t hardly thought about it at all. Forgive me for sayin’ anything! I can’t lose us.
“Yes.” I swallow hard. Did I just lose him? Could it happen that fast? He looks down at the lights of the city and smiles a sad smile.
“Okay,” he says.
“Okay. What?”
He turns to me, all seriousness. “You will not be one among many. You are the only. Okay?”
I take a deep breath and feel like I’m on the verge of tears. I wasn’t entirely confident that he’d choose me over the masses. Maybe I had a feeling, but I wasn’t sure. “Okay,” I say.
“Wanna hear a secret?” he asks.
“Yeah.”
“You shouldn’t believe everything you hear,” he says. Then he gets back into the car. He just gets into the driver’s seat this time, so I guess he’s run out of chivalry for the night. I open my own door like a regular person.
I sit down.
“You sayin’ it ain’t true?”
He turns to me, and I can’t read his expression. All I know is it ain’t makin’ me blush no more.
“In every rumor that’s ever been, there is a ounce of truth. Not a pound, but a ounce. Do you know what I mean?”
“I think so.”
“I’ve seen some girls, Evvie. Probably not as many as you’ve heard, but some.” He gazes out the windshield and sits very still. “I wish I was a clean slate, but I’m not.”
I don’t say anything, cuz I don’t know what to say.
“Is that a problem for you?” He asks it so softly, I almost wonder if he didn’t want me to hear him.
“No,” I tell him. “It’s not. I’m sorry, Clay. Who you been with in the past is none a my business. I didn’t mean to insult you or nothin’. Did I insult you?”
“Well? You basically just called me a tramp.”
I cover my mouth to hide my unintentional laugh, but then he smiles. We look at each other, and I simply can’t hold back anymore. I practically tackle the poor boy, and he giggles.
“Damn, girl!” But he reciprocates everything I throw his way and more. He comes up from burying his head in my neck and says “back seat” into my ear, and we clumsily crawl into the back. Clay slides the trumpet case to the floor to give us more room, and then he’s kissing me again. And he’s everywhere, moving down my arms, my belly, tasting my navel, and then he’s—
“Clay?” I resist the strong urge to jerk away from
him. I’m not sure what this is, what he’s doin’ right now. This is unfamiliar territory for me.
“Yeah, baby?” he pants, and I think I’m just gonna dissolve into a puddle right here.
“What’re you doin’… down there?
He kisses my upper, inner thigh and glances back up at me.
“I told you: didn’t do my job last night. I’m doin’ it now.” And then he starts to… I feel like a naive child right now, cuz I have never even heard a the thing he’s doin’ to me. It’s sorta like making love, but… with his mouth? I have to keep holdin’ back laughter, cuz it feels so ticklish and foreign at first. And nice. And then more than nice. Better. More than better. And—
“Oh dear god,” I holler out before I can stop myself, and then I fall back against the seat. Clearly, I was floating above it. Clay gently kisses my belly again, my kneecap, my elbow, the palm of my hand. I caress his cheek ever so delicately and sweetly hold on to his head to prevent any more kisses, because I can’t take any more. I need a second to collect myself and find my way back down to planet Earth.
After what might be an hour, or two minutes, or twelve seconds, he speaks.
“How you feelin’ now?”
I blow air through my cheeks, then snicker. “You actin’ like I’m your patient.”
“That’s no answer.”
How can I possibly answer that question? Didn’t my every move and breath answer it for him? Maybe he wants a special medal or somethin’. To be fair: he’s earned it.
“Better.”
He lets out a huge laugh. “Better? That’s it?”
“Better than I ever felt before. Happy now?”
He nods and kisses my palm again.
“Where in the world did ya learn how to do that?” I ask. I really wanna know. This cannot just be innate knowledge.
“I follow my gut,” he says.
“Wait. What about you?” I ask. I must be back on this planet if I’m thinking this logically.
“It’s all right. We got time.”
I close my eyes. I cannot believe these last twenty-four hours. I just can’t. How can life change so fast? Don’t seem possible. Thinking on time and what it means, I briefly think about checkin’ my watch. I am still wearin’ it. Not wearin’ much else, but my watch is still on my wrist. I could so easily raise my arm and take a tiny glance. I don’t wanna worry Mama, and I do have work in the morning… but I can’t look at it right now. Too scared to break the spell.
Daughters of Jubilation Page 6
