by Mort Gloss
****
Nabashio rested alone in his bedchamber; various feeding tubes descending from the ceiling hung close to his head. On a platform within arm's reach was a stack of Second Class Protector application files. Lilia's file lay open on top of the stack. As Nabashio attempted to insert one of the tubes into his mouth, a grating buzz sounded in his ears, accompanied by a flashing light. Nabashio let go of the feeding tube, causing an oatmeal-like substance to spill onto his bed. He harshly responded to the alarm by speaking toward the center of the room.
"What requires my attention? I've instructed you to forebear interrupting me during gustation." After a short pause, a nervous voice responded.
"Thank you, Captain Protector. I am calling to inform you we have discovered an unauthorized vessel traveling toward the Planet of Protection."
Nabashio immediately sat upright and shifted his mass in order to exit the bed. As he did so, the upper portion of his body managed to remove itself; however, his lower extremities were caught in tightly-tucked sheets at the foot of his bed. The result was that Nabashio fell headfirst onto the floor, his wide nose flattening on the ground as the remainder of his body followed behind.
The hesitant voice again spoke. "Do you require assistance, my Liege?"
"I require nothing from an individual as insignificant as yourself," answered Nabashio, not entirely sure who it was that spoke to him. "Prepare the First Class Protectors for my arrival on the bridge. I will instruct all who endeavor to understand on the proper methods for dealing with those of the skinny mind who attempt such intragalactic travel." As he spoke, Nabashio continued his efforts to fully extract himself from the bed sheets, which were now tightly wound around his right ankle. "And one more thing," he said, the slightest amount of indecision in his voice, "summon the recently inaugurated Second Class Protector Lilia to the bridge as well. This lesson requires her attention."
"It shall be done, Captain Protector."
"Of course it shall be done. Do not bother me with such trifles. Track the unauthorized vessel and prepare the bridge." Nabashio finally succeeded in extracting himself from the bed. He then jettisoned his silky purple pajama garb for one of his 25 Captain Protector suits, choosing the most perfectly pressed uniform possible. Soon afterward, he was the center of attention on PROT IX's bridge, surrounded by officers of the ship-all of whom were First Class Protectors-and Lilia. None dared speak a word in his presence, unless specifically asked to do so. Nabashio's bulky body slid into the comforts of the bridge's Center Seat.
"Show me the rabble by which I was summoned to the Center Seat," commanded Nabashio to no one in particular. Nabashio hardly knew anyone onboard PROT IX by name, and he certainly didn't know which officer was in charge of which particular function. Indeed, Nabashio was almost completely unaware of the various positions required to operate a spaceship such as PROT IX. He had food when he needed it; the ship went where he told it to go; people obeyed his every command. Nothing else really mattered to him. Moreover, even if someone had attempted to explain the inner-workings of PROT IX, he certainly couldn't have understood it.
A large man with indistinct features, approximately half the size of Nabashio, pushed a few buttons at a console. In response, an enormous viewing screen at the front of the room displayed the small single-wide trailer.
"What is that trivial heap you show me?" asked Nabashio, in a tone more commanding than inquisitive.
"It appears to be a space vessel, Captain Protector," responded the indistinct man, so nervous he had trouble getting out the words.
"Impossible," yelled Nabashio. "No vessel so insignificant could have reached this deep into Zaxmorthia under my careful eye." Almost as soon as he said it, Nabashio realized the ridiculousness of the statement that had just escaped his mouth. Indeed the vessel was insignificant, and indeed it had nearly reached the Planet of Protection in spite of his stewardship.
Groaning within herself at the thought of aiding Nabashio, Lilia swallowed hard, placing her aspirations above her true feelings. "Captain Protector, a ship of such smallness likely could not have been detected by PROT IX's tracking system." She paused, ensuring Nabashio was pleased with her interruption before continuing. "Indeed, Captain, without your leadership, it is likely this vessel would have traveled unchecked to the Planet of Protection itself."
Nabashio glared at Lilia as she spoke. "Last I checked, Second Class Protector, what was your name again-Jillian? It is of no matter. I control the Center Seat. Your responses to my rhetorical musings are unnecessary, unwanted, and uninvited. Do not speak again unless spoken to." Despite his response, Lilia knew he was pleased with her efforts.
"You, First Classman, hale the vessel," ordered Nabashio, pointing.
"Yes, Captain Protector."
The officers of PROT IX watched as the same indistinct First Class Protector punched more buttons on his console, all apparently done in an effort to communicate with the small ship viewable on the screen.
After a few moments, Nabashio became impatient. "What's taking so long?"
"Captain, I apologize sir, but the vessel does not appear to utilize standard communication protocols. I am progressing through more primitive forms of communication in order to contact the ship." The nervous First Classman wiped his forehead as he spoke.
"Do not apologize for your ignorance, for it cannot be helped. Contact that vessel or stand down."
"Thank you, Captain. I think I've finally got it." The First Classman pushed one final button on the console with a sigh of relief. Immediately, the officers of PROT IX heard a completely foreign sound: the ringing of a bell clanged in their ears, repeating itself after short pauses.
Nabashio, mistaking the sound for some kind of attack, covered his ears, closed his eyes, and cowered behind the Center Seat. "What is that hideous noise?" he yelled in a fearful voice.
The First Classman hurriedly attempted to minimize the sound. "Captain, it is an ancient form of communication. I have lowered the volume so it is not so grating to your senses."
Nabashio immediately stood tall, straightening the fabric of his suit and clearing his throat. "Don't pretend to comprehend my senses, First Classman. How is it these petty hooligans speak in chimes? I've never heard such a language."
"Sir, the chiming is not their actual language. The chiming is more of a haling mechanism, designed to obtain their attention in order for communication to begin. I detected the technology on their vessel."
"Ah yes, of course," responded Nabashio, trying to act casual.
"They do not appear to be responding, my Captain."
"No doubt trying to hide. It is a common reaction for those of the skinny mind." Nabashio turned to Lilia, the ringing of the bells still repeating itself after short pauses. "This is good experience for you, Second Class Protector. It will help you more fully appreciate the exalted state of the Protector Class."
Lilia produced a fake smile in response. Apparently Nabashio had forgotten she was not a member of the Protector Class until yesterday.
Nabashio opened his mouth to provide Lilia with more instruction. However, before he could speak, the officers of PROT IX heard clickings, followed by what sounded to them like the squealing of Zaxmorthian livestock.
"Captain, I believe we have made contact!" said the now-excited First Classman.
"It sounds like an animal," observed Lilia, biting her tongue as soon as she realized she'd spoken out loud.
"Indeed, Lilia, and no animal can helm a spacecraft, even if the vessel is that insignificant," added Nabashio.
"What message shall I transmit to the vessel, Captain Protector?" asked the First Classman, ignoring Nabashio's inane statement regarding animal astronauts.
"Tell them they are in violation of Zaxmorthian code, and demand they stand down and face the punishment affixed to their multiple crimes."
"Of course, my Captain." The First Classman then spoke in a voice of authority, transmitting the message as set forth by Nabashio. De
spite her annoyance with Nabashio's idiocy, Lilia was genuinely excited about her first encounter with a rogue spaceship. She tried to act professional, but had some difficulty hiding the excitement on her face.
After a long, awkward pause, Nabashio became impatient. "Why do they not respond, First Classman? Have you properly transmitted the message?"
"The instruments before me state I have successfully conveyed the message, Your Grace."
Lilia ventured an opinion. "Perhaps they cannot comprehend the message because they cannot comprehend the language in which it was transmitted. Although, I admit my theory is far-fetched, as Zaxmorthian law mandated the adoption of the common tongue thousands of revolutions ago. Nevertheless, they may come from a secluded and remote system."
"Your theory is noted, Second Classwoman," answered Nabashio. Lilia found his response somewhat curious, as it contained no criticism. However, just as this thought crossed her mind, he continued. "Although, I remind you once again to speak with efficiency. Your recounting of Zaxmorthian linguistic history was uncalled for and ultimately distracting."
"Thank you, my Captain," she responded.
As Lilia feigned gratitude, the officers aboard the bridge again heard what sounded like squealing livestock over the loudspeaker.
"First Classman," said Nabashio, annoyed, "is there no way to translate that animalistic scratching?"
"Captain, I am running the language through the automatic translation features of PROT IX's central system. Thus far I have discovered nothing."
"Run it through more quickly, officer; I grow tired of this grating noise."
Just as Nabashio finished speaking, the bridge officers of PROT IX heard a voice speaking in what sounded like the common Zaxmorthian tongue, although laced with accents which they could not discern: "we ain't no Zaxmorthias, and we's innocent from breakin' no laws."
All officers turned to Nabashio, awaiting his reaction. At first, he maintained his usual expression of annoyed arrogance. After a few moments, however, he broke into childlike giggling. "They have got to be," he said, between fits of laughter, "the least massive crew of any ever encountered by a PROT vessel. Tell them to identify themselves by the system from which they emanate. Moreover, tell them we are fast approaching and will execute them for malicious hooliganism if they do not surrender immediately."
The First Classman smiled with excitement as he relayed the message in the exact same words as those dictated by Nabashio. There was a long silence afterward. Nabashio sat down in his chair, holding the tips of his fingers together, his elbows resting on top of his expansive waistline. His laughter had now stopped, but his face still wore a wider grin than any officer of PROT IX had ever seen. Nabashio shot several furtive glances at Lilia, who was keeping her attention fixed on the small ship that moved toward the Planet of Protection. As he was thus distracted, Lilia suddenly cried out.
"Captain, I saw a flash of light beneath the hooligan vessel!"
"Officer, what is the-" Before Nabashio could finish, the whole of PROT IX was rocked by a blast from the small ship. For those aboard PROT IX, it felt as if they had collided with some tremendous object in space. Nabashio fell from the Center Seat, rolling onto his back as he hit the floor. His arms flailed as he tried to sit up. Before he could muster a word, two more blasts shook PROT IX, forcing Nabashio onto his stomach. There he lay, facing the ground, his fingers covering the back of his head.
"Captain Protector," yelled Lilia, rushing to his side and kneeling down, "what are your orders?" The First Classman, as well as the other officers on board, each waited for Nabashio's instructions. Nabashio said nothing as he lay on the ground. Although he was silent, the slight gyrations of his body made Lilia suspect he was crying in fear. "Your orders, Captain," shouted Lilia, trying to shake him from his apparent stupor. He said nothing in response.
"First Classman," said Lilia, a touch of sarcasm in her voice, "it appears our esteemed Captain has been injured in the attack."
"Understood," said the First Classman, his eyes wide. He sat motionless, staring at the small ship.
"Well," responded Lilia, exasperated, "what is the status of the ship?"
The First Classman's attention returned to the console. "It appears they have targeted and successfully impacted our weapons system, as well as our primary engines."
"Are we still able to communicate with PROT Command?" she asked, unconsciously patting Nabashio's back as she would an infant.
"Yes my...... Yes, Second Class Protector."
"As the highest ranking officer who is still functioning, what is your suggestion?" She prodded him, knowing it would be a serious breach of protocol if she were to issue an order.
The First Classman hesitated for a moment, and then spoke. "We should contact PROT Command and notify them of the breach, as well as the damage we have sustained."
"Excellent idea, officer."
As the First Classman sent distress signals out across the galaxy, Nabashio returned to his senses. With seemingly great exertion, he lifted himself from the floor and carefully placed himself back on the Center Seat. Once in the chair, he rubbed his eyes as if waking from a long night's sleep.
"My Captain," said Lilia, trying to hide her disgust, "are you alright?"
Nabashio opened his eyes and looked at Lilia with a dazed expression on his face. "I believe my system was seriously and irrevocably wounded in the attack. But that is of small consequence at this crucial moment. What is the status of the hooligan vessel?"
"Its last projectile attack took place some time ago, Captain Protector. Since that point, it has apparently remained in its current trajectory toward the Planet of Protection. Officer First Classman is sending requests for support to PROT Command, in the hopes of intercepting the renegade ship."
A look of anger mixed with fear came over Nabashio's face. He moved his head as if to speak, but then focused his attention downward. At the same time, the First Classman spoke: "Captain Protector, PROT I and II are emerging from the Planet of Protection."
The officers watched intently as two rectangular vessels rose from the blue-green orb below. From a distance, they appeared to be identical copies of PROT IX. However, upon closer examination, the two ships dwarfed PROT IX in size and weaponry, PROT I being the largest and most heavily-armed of the two.
Nabashio kept his attention on the ground in front of him, or at least attempted to do so in spite of his tremendous girth. Lilia stood next to him, her right hand resting on his shoulder, her eyes fixed on the ships emerging from and traveling to the Planet of Protection. "Captain," she said, anxiety in her voice, "the renegade vessel is turning toward us."
And indeed it was. The small ship abandoned its trajectory toward the Planet of Protection, completing a 180 degree turn, and stood still.
"What are they doing?" said the fearful First Classman.
Lilia looked at Nabashio, who avoided her glance. Lilia clenched her teeth and spoke to the First Classman. "It appears the hooligan vessel is moving into attack position."
The First Classman's eyes became wide; he looked to Nabashio and began to speak: "My Captain, what should-" Before he could finish, the hooligan spacecraft shot toward PROT IX at a speed no officer on the ship had ever before seen. The First Classman closed his eyes in fear of a collision. Nabashio seemed to pass out in the Center Seat. Lilia stood defiant.
