Asshole, I thought, and I didn’t mean it in a flattering way.
Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I jerked my head around. It was Jenna, one of the few people in my year who weren’t complete tools.
“Daydreaming in the middle of the hallway?” she said.
“I … what?” I uttered. “Yeah, no. Never mind.”
Jenna eyed me suspiciously through her bright red bangs, her mouth half open as her tongue played with one of her lip piercings. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I said and continued walking down the hall.
It took her short, pudgy legs a couple of seconds to catch up with me. “Liar,” she said. “Because you look like shit.”
“Jeez, thanks, Jenna.”
She waved her hand dismissively. “Whatever. Why would I even care? Anyway, did you do your biology homework?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Why?”
“Can I copy it?”
I frowned at her. “I got a D in biology. Why would you want to copy my homework?”
“Because I got a D in biology too. Would be a bit obvious if I copied Ben’s homework, no?”
I stopped and glared at her. Why did she have to mention Ben, of all people?
“What?” she said.
I shook my head. “Nothing.” I rummaged through my backpack and pulled out a wrinkled piece of paper. “Here.”
Jenna took the paper and skimmed the half-page of scrawly handwriting. “Reproductive isolation … natural selection … speciation, yada, yada, yada. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds great. Thanks.”
“All right.”
“You should go see a graphologist though. If that handwriting of yours isn’t a cry for help, I don’t know what is.”
With a sigh I turned on my heel and continued on my way to class.
Ten minutes later Jenna dropped my homework on my desk and plopped down on the chair next to me. “Thanks again,” she said but I didn’t have time to acknowledge her because that very moment Ben walked through the door. He stopped for a second when he realized that the only empty desk left was the one right in front of me. I sat up straight and looked at him, but Ben kept his eyes on the floor until he took his seat. From the corner of my eye I could see that Jenna sensed something was afoot, her eyes jumping back and forth between Ben, who usually didn’t look so subdued, and me, who never looked directly at people’s faces, let alone tried to grow a few inches in order to be noticed.
“Huh,” she said, looking at me, and when I kept ignoring her, she said, “Hi, Ben,” keeping her eyes on me to gauge my reaction. Only when he turned his head and looked at her, she looked at him with a bright smile.
“Hi,” he said, lacking his usual enthusiasm.
When I looked at Jenna, she raised her pierced eyebrow and shrugged as if to challenge me, and before I even realized what I was doing, I said, “Hi, Ben,” with palpable snark in my voice. His body twitched, and his ears started glowing bright red, but he didn’t respond or turn around. When I looked back at Jenna, she mouthed ‘Wow,’ at me and I shrugged.
Ben played this cat-and-mouse game with me for two days, ignoring me and pretending I didn’t exist. Once when he came walking toward me in the hallway and he saw me, he even pretended he forgot something terribly important wherever he just came from, turned on his heel, and walked the other way.
On the third day, I saw him walk into the second-floor bathroom. He hadn’t seen me, so I decided to end this stupid charade right then and there, one way or the other. I barged into the bathroom, pushing the door open so forcefully it slammed against the wall with a loud bang that visibly startled Ben as he was standing at one of the urinals. My back straight, my head held uncharacteristically high, I made sure we were alone before I walked into one of the stalls. Without closing the door, I turned around and cast him a challenging look. He stared back at me, swallowing hard, his chest heaving with every breath he took. My eyes locked on his, I started unbuttoning my pants. After a quick glance at the door to confirm that no one else was coming in, he finally took four powerful strides forward. Pushing me into a corner, he closed and locked the stall door. Then he put his warm hand on the nape of my neck and pulled me in for our first, passionate kiss.
There was nothing romantic or remotely affectionate about the first or any of our subsequent secret bathroom encounters that were marked by raw, unbridled passion and sexual desire. I guess that’s a fancy way of saying we were a pair of horny, hormone-driven teenagers seeking a quick and easy release for our rampant primal urges. Ben, especially, had a knack for keeping the two sides of his personality neatly separated by a bright red line that he had drawn between our bathroom stall and the rest of the world. Once we locked the door of our twenty-square-foot den of debauchery behind us, Ben was no longer that paragon of the all-American teenager who was loved and adored by all. In here, he allowed himself to express a side of him that, in his opinion, had no place in the world outside, the world that gave me anxiety and depression with all its mind-numbing superficiality and cruel lack of empathy. For a few minutes two or three times a week, Ben allowed that part of himself to be all himself. Once he crossed that line to the other side again, with his pants pulled up and the mask he felt the need to hide behind tightly fastened, I was left behind in my world, the only world I knew. Initially, I was more or less okay with that. I hadn’t been actively looking for a romantic relationship, so there was no love’s labor that was lost. What I had inadvertently found, though, was a new perspective. I was still depressed over the state of the world. I still had anxiety attacks. But for the first time in ages I felt like I had a valid reason to get out of bed every morning and go to school. Two weeks into our secret relationship, I stopped masturbating under the shower in the morning in order to preserve my virility for Ben. Three weeks in, I started flushing my daily dose of Prozac down the toilet instead of swallowing it. I had found something else to swallow that was a lot more fun. But like all things fun, it was never meant to last.
FIVE
When I woke up in the morning, the notification LED on my phone was blinking. I opened the app to a comment from BenHynes01 that he had left under my picture.
BenHynes01: Very nice, guys! I’m glad we’re on the same page. But please, help me keep u 2 apart. Leave a comment 2 let me know who is who.
Ben had already posted a reply just a few minutes ago.
FUBSTRD: Big one is mine.
I rolled my eyes. Leave it to Ben to take a jab at me in front of our blackmailer. His dick wasn’t even that much bigger than mine.
NoahSimm: Oh please.
After I’d typed my reply to Ben’s stupid comment, I got up, took a shower, and got dressed. In the kitchen I found a note from Mom on the table: Good morning, honey. Eat breakfast. Don’t forget to take your meds. I’ll bring pizza for lunch. Love, Mom.
As I was eating my cereal, the phone buzzed again.
BenHynes01: U guys r adorable. Size is overrated anyway. Await further instructions. I’ll c u guys at school (but u won’t c me).
My stomach churned. Further instructions. He was gonna ask for more stuff. Of course he was. Why wouldn’t he? He already had us wrapped around his middle finger and he could make us do whatever he wanted. Add to that the sickening thought that he was watching us at school and we had no idea who he was. I felt another anxiety attack creeping up on me and I didn’t know what else to do, so I sent a private message to Ben.
NoahSimm: Talk? Behind the gym before 1st period?
His reply was almost instantaneous.
FUBSTRD: U crazy? He is watching us! Do not approach me at school!
My stinging heart sank all the way to the bottom, but then it bounced right back up as my anguish somehow turned into anger. Apparently Ben was still oblivious to the seriousness of our situation, and his complete lack of leadership, moral or otherwise, riled me up.
NoahSimm: Big dick, no balls, got it!
He didn’t reply. Not that I expected him to.<
br />
I finished my breakfast, grabbed my backpack and left for school. When I approached Jordan’s house, I was expecting the door to open and Jordan to come out, but oddly, that didn’t happen. I slowed down and passed the house at the speed of a snail on diazepam. Maybe he was just running late. Maybe he had overslept or misplaced one of his textbooks, or maybe he had a wardrobe malfunction. Or could it be something more serious? I usually didn’t pay attention to stupid rumors, but word was Jordan had a history of self-harm. I had never asked him if it was true. As I kept walking, I wondered if I should turn back and knock on his door to see if everything was all right. On second thought it seemed like a stupid idea. If his parents were home, he’d be okay, and I wasn’t really looking for an opportunity to meet his parents and introduce myself because it would trigger a major anxiety attack. If they weren’t home and he was not okay—too not okay to answer the door—then what was I gonna do? Was I gonna call the police or break into his house, only to find out he left for school early today? That would result in more embarrassment than I could handle. And if he was okay and just running late for whatever reason? Then he’d open the door, and I’d have to explain to him that I knocked on his door because I was worried about him. Why did everything have to be so damn complicated?
I was about to turn around and head back to Jordan’s when I got distracted by my phone vibrating in my pocket. With trembling hands and a pounding heart, I pulled it out and checked the new message.
BenHynes01: Guys, that toilet blow job was great & everything, but so rough & naughty! How about something more sweet & tender? I want a picture of u guys kissing & I’m not talking about the kind of kiss u give ur auntie. Let’s see some serious tongue action! U have until noon or ur video will go viral over lunch, so be nice & play along.
I wanted to swallow, but my tongue and throat felt dry like sandpaper as my thoughts started running amok in my head. Posting a picture of us kissing was no big deal, but surely this was not the end of it. Were we just being lulled into a false sense of security? What was he going to ask of us next? I needed to talk with Ben. He couldn’t avoid me now.
“Hey!” I heard a voice behind me say, and when I jerked my head around, I saw Jordan hurrying to catch up with me. When he reached me, he slowed down and said, “Sorry. I overslept.”
“Right,” I said. “That’s a first.”
He shrugged and cast a bashful glance at his feet. Then he nodded at the phone in my hand and said, “Bad news?”
“What? Nah.” I slid the phone back in my pocket. “Just a stupid text from … someone stupid.”
“Right. Sorry. It’s none of my business, really.”
“It’s okay.”
We continued on our way to school in silence until he suddenly said, “You wanna hang out sometime?”
I stopped and looked at him, unsure what to make of his question. He was one of the few people I knew whom I wouldn’t mind hanging out with, but it never even occurred to me to ask him, nor would I have ever expected him to ask me. But now that he had, I couldn’t think of anything else to do but shrug and say, “I guess.”
“I mean …” He shook his head and waved his hand dismissively. “It’s okay. You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I was just thinking.”
“Yeah, no, it’s okay,” I said, “I’m going through a rough patch at the moment, but it has nothing to do with you, so don’t worry.”
He nodded, avoiding to look me in the eyes. “Right. Sorry to hear that. I was just thinking—”
The first bell sounded from inside the school building. We had five minutes to get to class. At the same time, my phone buzzed again.
“Never mind,” I said, pulling my phone out of my pocket.
FUBSTRD: Gym. Now!
“Jesus,” I uttered under my breath.
Turning toward the school, Jordan said, “You coming?” We had English literature together in the first period.
I shook my head and put my phone away. “I’ll catch up with you.”
It took two seconds for the penny to drop, then his face lit up and he said, “Naughty. Have fun.”
Feeling slightly puzzled, I looked after him as he trudged toward the entrance. Naughty wasn’t a word people I knew used on a regular basis. Now I had encountered it twice within a few minutes. Was it an odd coincidence, or was it just … odd? I didn’t have the time to ponder that question any further because Ben was waiting for me, so I made my way behind the gym, struggling to silence the voice in my head that tried to remind me how little I believed in coincidences.
Our secret spot behind the gym was difficult to get to because it lay hidden behind a whole bunch of trees and bushes which made it such a great secret place because it couldn’t be seen from anywhere. The reason why most of our clandestine encounters so far had taken place in one of the bathrooms was because it took too long to get here from our classrooms or the cafeteria and back, and while the spot itself couldn’t be seen, the way there could. There was nothing suspicious about two guys walking into a bathroom. Two guys disappearing behind the gym, even a minute or two apart, was very suspicious and a risk we didn’t want to take. Another reason was that despite all the trees and bushes, there was something awkward about dropping your pants under open skies as it technically qualified as in public. A bathroom stall had always seemed like a safer place, but that was before we got caught on camera.
When I got to our spot, Ben was already waiting for me, and he didn’t look happy. “What took you so long, goddammit?” he said. “I can’t be late for class!”
“Oh, but I can? We got four hours for a two-second kiss. There was no need to do this before school, so calm down.”
Ben wasn’t used to getting talked back to by me—or anyone, for that matter. Averting his gaze, he mumbled, “Let’s just get it over with already.”
I glared at him. “You know what? Fuck you and your bullshit, man. Come see me in the second-floor bathroom after the second period, and don’t bring the attitude.” I turned around, ready to head back, but Ben took a step forward and grabbed my arm.
“Noah, wait,” he said. When I turned to look at him, he avoided my gaze. “I’m sorry. It’s just … that whole situation is freaking me out, okay? I didn’t mean to be … like that.”
“An asshole,” I helped him out. “You didn’t mean to be an asshole.”
He nodded. Then he let go of my arm and put his hand on the side of my neck. Upon his warm, soft touch that I had been longing for, my defenses started to crumble like a brittle chocolate chip cookie. As I turned my head to the side, bringing my nose close to the back of his hand so I could inhale its scent, he gently stroked my neck with his thumb and whispered, “I’m sorry.”
I nodded and leaned into him, gently pushing him against the gym wall, my slightly parted lips seeking his. When our lips touched, he exhaled through his nose, his warm breath grazing my cheek as our tongues entwined. My body responded with goosebumps and a heavily pounding heart. I was feeling a little dizzy as all my blood seemed to flow to the lower part of my body. We kissed for maybe half a minute. When our lips parted ways, I opened my eyes. Ben leaned his forehead against mine, taking long, deep breaths, his eyes still closed, his lips glistening with our saliva.
“That was pretty nice,” I whispered, and he slowly nodded, the hint of a smile crossing his lips. “Did you take a photo?”
He chuckled and kissed my lips. “No.”
“What is wrong with you?” I teased him, still whispering and kissing him back. “Now we have to do it all over again.”
“Oh no, that’s terrible.” His hands were on my hips now, pulling me closer.
We exchanged another brief kiss. “I know.”
“Are you …” Another kiss. “Or should I …”
“I’ll do it,” I said because I didn’t want him to remove his hands from my hips, so I pulled my phone out of my pocket, our throbbing crotches grinding against one another. I had to turn my head and look at the screen to open
the camera app. Ben took the opportunity to kiss my neck and nibble on my earlobe, triggering a boiling heatwave that engulfed my body as the warm air coming out of his nose tickled my ear. “Stop it,” I murmured.
“Okay,” he said and started licking my ear, sending a shiver down my spine.
I giggled and turned my head to face him. “Ready?”
He opened his eyes and smiled. “Let’s do it.”
I raised my arm and we both turned our heads and looked at the camera. When we were both in the frame and in focus, I said, “Okay.” We faced each other again. He closed his eyes and parted his lips. I leaned into him, trying to keep my arm steady. When our lips touched, I put out my tongue until it met his. I tapped the shutter button early on, but then I kept kissing Ben and he kept kissing me back as I slid my phone back in my pocket. It was another long and steamy kiss that only ended when I put my hand in his crotch and squeezed him hard. Moaning, he let go of my lips and whispered, “Oh God, Noah.”
My other hand on the nape of his neck, I pulled his head closer and whispered in his ear, “You think we have time to—”
He shook his head and pushed me away, gently but decidedly. “I’m sorry, Noah, I really can’t be late for class.”
I sighed as all my physical and emotional excitement dissipated into thin air like a beautiful dream upon waking up on a Monday morning. “Can we meet in the bathroom later? I really need to … you know. Or I’m gonna explode.”
Adjusting himself, he avoided my pleading gaze and said, “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“Why not?”
He exhaled. That was his only response.
“No seriously,” I pressed him. “What do you think is gonna happen that hasn’t already happened?”
“Look, Noah, we really need to be careful.”
“I know that. We’re always careful.”
He scoffed. “Yeah, except that one time.”
“We’re gonna have to talk about this whole thing at some point, you now?”
He frowned at me. “What’s to talk about?”
Instafamous Page 4
