by Stacy Borel
The moment I made the final decision, I knew I needed to let someone know. Keeping a pregnancy secret was already hard. But not telling a soul by this point was more than I could take. The most supportive person I knew in this world was my best friend, and I knew Keegan would want to know. She would stand beside me and not judge me. I decided to text her.
Me: Hey u busy this evening
Keeg: I’m just stopping at store to get some things. What’s up
Me: Can u come over a little before? Something I need to talk about
Keeg: Everything ok
Me: Yeah. Explain when you’re here.
Keeg: K
I set my phone down on my bed next to me and exhaled. Okay, that was done. No backing out. I played chicken and lost the other day wanting to tell Dodger. I wasn’t going to do that tonight. I knew I’d feel a thousand times better confiding in someone so I might as well let it all out there.
I was standing in my parents’ kitchen pondering what I should do for the next hour until Keegan was here. I munched on some slices of pineapple, which oddly I couldn’t stand the smell of last week.
I wasn’t in the mood to watch television. I could definitely go for a nap, but that wasn’t because of the baby. I always felt like I needed to sleep. Heading in to the living room to wait, I plopped down on the oversized couch that I swear was the best napping couch on earth, and sleep dragged me under.
The doorbell rang, causing me to wake in a groggy state of confusion. Where in the hell was I? Oh shit, Keegan was here. Wiping my tired eyes, I slung my legs over the side and stood up. Walking to the door, I was mentally trying wake myself up and prepare for the conversation I was about to have. Please, God, let this go well.
Opening the door, a very bright eyed and bushy tailed Keegan stood with two cups of Starbucks in hand and a smile on her face. She was like a state of perfection, while I stood with my hair a huge mess, no make-up on, I was certain I had dark circles under my eyes.
“Well, hello, Sunshine. You just wake up?”
I grunted and took a cup out of her hand. Bringing it to my lips, I let the heat sting my tongue and the warmth coat my dry throat. “Oh, that’s good.”
Keegan took a step inside and reached up, picking up a lock of my dark brown hair. Her face was a mix of confusion and disgust. “Honey, when was the last time that you showered?”
“This morn—” I cut myself off. Actually, I needed to think about it. It wasn’t this morning, it was yesterday morning before I left for work. No wait. It was the day before that because I recall asking my mom to bring me a towel that I’d forgot in the hall closet. I scowled, looking at the cup. “Two days ago.”
She giggled. “I can tell. Since when are you this lax? I don’t think I’ve ever known you to not put hygiene above all else.”
She was right. My appearance was everything, but I’ve been so tired lately. Work was all I could handle these days. I went to the hospital, and came home and passed out, only to get up and do it all over again the next day. If I had a day off, I spent it in bed. Hey, it kept the morning sickness away.
Needing to change the subject, I turned and walked into the living room expecting her to follow. “Hush. I recall a few weeks ago you were quite the mess yourself.”
“That’s ‘cause I was trying to see if I could make my hair healthier by using dry shampoo and not washing it every day. This is dark circles under your eyes and baby birds living in your hair.” She plopped down on the couch, peering up at me with concern. “Something has been going on, now spill.”
“What makes you say something is going on?”
“Macie, your life is my life. We’ve been the same person for far too long for you to be questioning me, or you to be keeping secrets from me.”
She was right. I didn’t even know why I was pushing her when I was the one that asked her to come over. I wanted her to know. I sighed. “Okay, good you’re sitting down.” I followed suit.
She adjusted herself, crossing her legs, and sitting a little more proper.
“What I’m about to tell you is kind of a big deal, okay? I’m going to need you to not freak out on me.” I mumbled under my breath, “I’ve done enough freaking out to last a lifetime.”
“Mace, whatever it is, I’m here.”
The sincerity in her voice made me want to just spew it all. Let it all come out like word vomit until every last dirty detail had left my body. I couldn’t take this anymore. Taking a deep breath, and setting my coffee down on the coffee table, I looked Keegan in the eyes and did exactly that . . . in not so many words.
“I’m pregnant.”
There, I said it. Those two words were supposed to be like opening a dam of emotion. I had none of it. I fully expected a wave of gratification to come over me that I finally told someone, but it was as if the room went mute, and so did the feelings in my head. My brows lowered. I watched my best friend as she let the words saturate. She was visibly rolling them around in her head, trying them on, and realizing the words Macie and pregnant didn’t quite fit. Still, she stayed quiet.
“Keegan, did you hear me?”
She nodded. “I heard you.”
“Are you going to say anything?”
“Shhh, I’m thinking.” She waved her hand around in my face.
What the fuck? She’s thinking? What in the hell did she have to think about? Where were my condolences? Life as I knew it was over and she was the one that needed a fucking minute? No. With every millisecond that passed, I was getting mad.
“Okay, Keegan, I gotta say, this reaction is totally not what I expected.”
Her head shot around to me, blonde hair flying across her face. “What kind of reaction were you expecting?”
I didn’t know actually. I looked down at my fingers and began nervously picking my nails, which was why they looked so awful at the moment. “I don’t know. Anything but silence would be nice.”
“Macie.” She said my name in a soft, yet stern voice. I brought my eyes up to hers. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make this difficult on you by being quiet. I was just thinking is all.”
“It’s okay. I know it’s a lot.”
“Well, yeah . . . it’s a lot.” She smiled. “Kind of shocking actually. What happened?”
I titled my head at her. “Seriously Keegan? When a boy and a girl use the penis and vagina—”
She interrupted my sex talk. “Listen, smart ass, I know that much. I meant, how did this happen? Did the condom break?”
I swallowed hard. “Yeah, about that.”
Her eyes got huge. “Macie, for the love of all that’s holy, please tell me you used a condom.”
“Before you start judging, just know that one thing led to another. I was highly intoxicated, and so was he. We both just sorta decided to bypass the condom part.”
“Bypass. What does that even mean, bypass?”
I needed more coffee. I grabbed my cup and took a long hard swig. God, I could use a stiffer drink. “I mean, it wasn’t important at the time.”
“Jesus Christ, Mace! I don’t need to sit here and lecture you about all of the nasty things out there that you could have gotten. STD’s aren’t always easy to get rid of, let alone getting pregnant. Have you gotten tested? When did all of this happen?”
Okay, here came the tricky part that I thought she would have already asked about by now. The when would imply the who.
I coughed. “See that’s the thing, it was just a couple months ago. I’m sure if I had something to worry about besides being knocked up, I’d know by now.”
She shook her head. “Doesn’t matter. You need to go get tested. If you don’t want to do it at the hospital because you’re worried about people judging you, there’s always that little clinic downtown.”
“It’s not that at all.”
“Okay, then what is it?”
I shrugged, still unable to tell her who it was. I was honestly hoping she would have figured it out on her own. I didn’t want to a
nnounce Dodger’s name.
“It’s that I really don’t believe that there is a concern for me contracting anything.”
“There’s always a concern, Mace.”
“Not this time.”
Her face was etched with puzzlement. “Not this time. I don’t know what that means. Why are you being so lax about it?”
“Because I’m pretty sure he’s clean.”
Keegan rolled her eyes. “Yeah? Have you asked him?”
“No.”
“Then you don’t know.”
“I do know.”
She threw her hands up in the air in frustration. “Macie, I’m trying to understand here, but you’re making no sense. If you’ve never asked, then you’re just assuming you know. Why would you want to risk that? Especially when you now have a baby growing?”
I felt exasperated. Other than just announcing who my baby daddy is, she wasn’t going to get it. “I know him. He’s clean. Can we leave it at that, please?”
Keegan tapped her fingers on her leg, not sure how to move forward with this conversation. “I just want to make sure you are safe and taking every precaution. I love you and if something happened to you, I would constantly kick myself for not making sure I did everything I could to help you.”
My insides softened. This was exactly why I adored her.
“Love you too. But I promise I’m okay.” I paused. “Well, as okay as I can be when I’m not puking my guts up and trying to figure out what food will taste about the same coming back out.”
She made a sour face. “Is the morning sickness that bad?”
“Yes!” I whined.
“Have you been to the doctor? I’m sure they will give you something for it.”
“I haven’t had my official first appointment just yet.” I looked down in shame. Not wanting to admit it to her, but needing Keegan to completely understand what I have been going through, I felt it was only right to let her know. “Up until a day ago, I wasn’t sure if I was going to keep it or not.”
I’m sure Keegan would have tried to hide her natural reaction, but I knew her too well, to know that she was holding her breath in shock.
She cleared her throat, like a little tick she had. “What made you decide to keep it?”
“I just don’t think I have it in me to do something like that . . . you know? I mean, I made the choice to have sex without the damn condom. Time to own to up it and be responsible.”
Keegan gave me a tender smile, as if I was a skittish kitten that would run if I was spoken to or touched.
“I’m proud of you, but you know it’s not that easy or simple. Have you thought about the time, energy, money, and just how long of a commitment it is? It’s forever, Mace.”
“I don’t need that kind of lecture, Keegan. I’m well aware of how much commitment a child is.” I felt tears pooling in the corner of my eyes. “And it’s going to be one hell of a learning curve.”
Keegan jumped from where she was sitting and came to me. Sitting down and wrapping her arms around me it felt like she was trying to hold me together. She kissed the top of my head and I could hear the smile in her voice.
“Yes, it will be. Holy shit, a baby.”
“A baby.” I repeated.
“Now what?” She almost laughed still holding on to me.
I shrugged.
“Do you know who you’re going to use to give you care?”
Nodding, I said, “Yeah, Dr. Carrie will be the best. He already told me to call his office and make an appointment.”
She didn’t acknowledge the fact that I made it sound like someone else knows about the pregnancy. But her next question was the one that I knew was coming and I didn’t want to answer.
“Have you told the father?”
Sniffling, I wiped my nose and shook my head. “No.”
She sat back completely, looking at me skeptically. “Are you going to tell him?”
I wasn’t exactly sure how to answer that. Technically I had already tried, but he was too busy smiling and having a grand ol’ time with someone else. I scowled. “I’m sure it will come out at some point.”
“When? When your belly is protruding and you’re waddling around?”
“I’m not going to waddle.”
“You know what I mean.”
I sighed. “Yes, I do know. And yes, I’ll tell him. Just not now.”
“Who is it?” she asked, with genuine curiosity.
I almost laughed. “The question of the hour.”
“Macie.”
She said my name and I knew she wasn’t in the mood to goof around about it. “Do we really need to talk about it?”
“You avoiding telling me, is enough cause for concern.”
Boy, she had no idea just how right she was. “I’m just saying I’d like to not talk about it.”
She shook her head. Stubborn Keegan, was just as difficult to deal with as when I turn into a raging bitch. She wasn’t going to let it go.
“Who?”
Here goes.
“Dodger.” I said, quietly.
“I’m sorry what? I didn’t hear you.”
I glared at her. “You heard me just fine.”
“No, actually I didn’t.”
“I said, the father is fucking Dodger. Did you hear me that time?” I got up from the couch and paced. I felt like a buildup of anxiety was wracking my body, and I had nowhere to put it.
“Oh shit,” she said softly.
Shit was right.
Chapter Three
“OKAY, WE NEED TO come up with a game plan here. Some way to break the news to him gently.”
I stared at my best friend across the room. I was leaning up against a wall, giving her some time to process what I’d just told her. Her brother-in-law was the father of my child and if it was humanly possible to shit a brick, I’m pretty sure I’d have one in the middle of my living room floor.
She ran her fingers through her hair and scrubbed her hand down her face. “I mean, it’s Dodger. He’s the reasonable brother. He should be fine with the news. In fact, he will be happy.” She paused. “Yes, he will be happy and everything will be okay.”
Who was she trying to convince, herself or me?
“The reasonable brother?” I asked. “Did you really just say that?”
She halted in her tracks and looked at me. “Yes.”
I let out a sarcastic giggle. “Keeg, I get that you are with the world’s biggest brute, but have you seen Dodger when he’s with me?”
“Of course I’ve seen him with you.”
I blinked rapidly. “Okay, then you know he is not always reasonable with me. In fact, he’s downright male chauvinistic and caveman.”
“Since when?”
A real laugh bubbled from my lips. “Are you kidding? Since always.”
Confusion was etched into her features. “I’m not following.”
Rolling my eyes, I said, “Clearly.”
“I’ve only seen him be a complete gentleman to you.”
Okay, now I was confused. “Uh, have we been around the same guy? Sure, Dodger can be sweet, and opened doors for me. But if any guy talked to me, he would grumble about it. He’d spank me when we went to bed as punishment, even though he knew I loved it.”
“You probably went out of your way to speak to another male just so you would get your spanking,” Keegan stated sarcastically.
I winked, and she laughed.
“But seriously.” I shook my head trying to get back to the subject. “Dodger is capable of being just as much of a hard ass as Camden. And I honestly have no clue how he is going to react when I tell him. What’s he supposed to do? Smile, pick me up and swirl me around while I squeal with joy, and he says it’s the best news ever?” I pushed off the wall I was leaning against and flop down on the couch. “Argh!”
“Hey.” Keegan softened her tone, and tried to speak to me in a more sensible manner. “I get it. I know that telling him won’t be the easiest thing, but h
e needs to know. And the sooner the better.”
She was right about that but, how are those two little words supposed to come tumbling out of my mouth? Dodger and I haven’t been a couple for a long time. We had a one night stand during my best friend’s wedding night. Coming out and saying “I’m pregnant” probably makes my top ten list of the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
“Are you sure he needs to know right away? I mean, we both know that the first trimester is a tricky one. I could always end up having a miscarriage.”
She gave me a pointed stare. “You’re a healthy woman in her early twenties. Yes, miscarriage may happen, but that’s no reason to not tell him. He has a right to know.”
“Fine.” I crossed my arms like a petulant child. “When would you propose I spill the baby beans?”
She shrugged. “Now.”
“No.”
I was firm. No way was I in any kind of mood to talk to him at the moment. Telling Keegan took a lot out of me. All I wanted to do was take another nap after eating a bowl of ice cream.
“Ever heard of the saying, ‘there’s no time like the present’?”
“Ever heard of, ‘go to hell’?”
She jerked back like I had just slapped her. “Jesus, Macie, no need to get so angry with me. It was just a suggestion.”
I sighed, feeling completely defeated and wanting to be alone. “I know.” My shoulders sagged. “I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. I’m just not feeling well, and seeing anybody today isn’t the best idea. Especially if he doesn’t receive the news well.”
“Understandable.”
I thought for a second. Maybe just letting him know now was the way to go. I’d considered waiting until I was in the second trimester, the morning sickness would have hopefully dissipated, and I’d have seen the doctor at least once or twice to make sure the pregnancy was viable and healthy. But maybe giving Dodger the full nine months would be beneficial. Knowing him, he’d need all the time he could get to adjust to the idea of becoming a father.
“Okay, maybe I’ll text him later this evening and see if he is free to meet up with me tomorrow.”
