Straight away, I knew it would unfold as she had described. A beautiful, healthy boy was born. He grew half a kilo every week and I was supporting a little being in a feeding frenzy. By eight weeks of age, he was doing well, but I was beginning to fall apart. I knew what this could mean, and after resisting the chemical support the first time around, this time I needed to be present for my daughter and my newborn and still wake up every few hours to feed. So I started on antidepressants. Within the first few hours of taking the medication, I went to the park and I remember seeing colours in the trees that I hadn’t noticed before. I honestly realised that I had been living in a tunnel of survival until that point. The antidepressants gave me feeling back. I could feel the endorphins being produced once more in my brain. My gut was happier, my whole being was radiating again.
I summoned the courage to take my baby boy with me on a colour and light-beamer pen retreat in Newcastle when he was just four months old. It was a blissful few days, walking up alleyways decorated with chalk drawings of rainbows and imbibing the soulful healing of time alone with my son - no meals to cook, and setting the intention here by the ocean to realign my soul and my life’s purpose in a new way. I became limitless again on that retreat. I saw infinity and felt and tasted it in moments of surrender and awe at the miracle of life unfolding around me, in front of me and through me. The cells of my body were dancing again and my brain felt calm and in control. It was here that I had a life-changing conversation with one of my colour teachers who introduced me to the world of therapeutic essential oils. I came home with a sample of oil to support respiratory function, and later, I found out, this oil was supportive emotionally in healing grief. Cardamom essential oil eases frustration and anger. I kept this tiny bottle, containing a few precious drops of oil, by my bed. Sniffing the aroma became my salvation!
We are sensory beings. We need touch, taste, smell and colour around us to sense our expansion through our limited bodily experience into the wider world. I realised how the simple choice of which oil I wished to place in an aromatic diffuser each morning could help me set my intention to be totally well again. It became my dream and my focus then, to make something of this experience. Through the mentoring of my beautiful teacher Deb, I began to realise it may actually be possible to create a business built on teaching people the magic of these bottles of aromatic bliss and to gently guide others into experiencing their own empowering moments of discovery about new ways of caring for themselves and their loved ones. What a miracle. To know that there was a natural and non-toxic way to support the body physically, emotionally, spiritually and potentially financially, felt so nourishing and complete. I immersed myself in all the training I could find. Since these little bottles of magic came into our home we have indeed been on a journey as a family, moving house, letting go of a mortgage, and happily renting in an area surrounded by trees and beaches, while allowing my husband to work his own hours and be around the kids instead of stressing himself out in a corporate environment. I am forever grateful that my children have this lifestyle with both their parents around for them in a way I never was able to experience as a child.
Integration of our psyche and integration of our emotional selves comes from uncovering our pain, mining the parts of ourselves that have not been able to resolve into our limitless nature. Our true nature is limitless. Letting go of habitual ways of thinking and layers of inherited stress and ritualised ways of doing things, allows for new and freer ideas and activities to flow. We are infinitely creative beings, we can trust ourselves and allow things to unfold naturally in new and exciting ways if we are not beholden to patterned ways of thinking. Finding a body therapy, like craniosacral therapy, with its gentle release of the nervous system, and adopting certain practices like swimming or bushwalking can help the psyche to relax and unwind, just as much as the body. We can learn to feel limitless: to access our true nature.
Being free is an embodied sense of ourselves, beyond the physical confines of the body. Forms of meditation can help us to access this inherent knowledge and understanding. Finding a guide, a teacher or mentor can also help to show us in a relational way. The disintegrating forces in one’s life can be resolved and transcended. May your path be blessed. May you find ease and grace in your days.
1 Tolle, E: THE POWER OF NOW, A GUIDE TO SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTENMENT; New World Library, 2010
2 In fact, my mother and father were married on 28th December 1978, in a ceremony in New Delhi, owing to my grandfather’s posting as Australian Ambassador to India at the time. It is likely I was conceived there, either on or soon after my parent’s honeymoon.
3 Moore, R and Gangaji: JUST LIKE YOU, AN AUTOBIGRAPHY. DO Publishing, 2003
4 Poonja, H.W.L. THE TRUTH IS: Weiser Books, 2000. Page 315
“Everyone you meet is fighting a battle
that you know nothing about.
Be kind Always.”
~ Robin Williams
CHAPTER FIVE
THE JOURNEY OF LIFE IS ALL ABOUT DISGUISED LESSONS
by Amy Suiter
I grew up as an athlete with dreams of playing softball in college, and of course, I wanted it to be at the highest level. I was just a local kid who was told by many people that I would never make it to one of the top division one schools. I just wasn’t good enough. Although I pretended not to listen to what other people were saying, I would be lying if I said their words didn’t affect me. I had doubts in myself and so these negative comments played havoc with any confidence I should have had in my own abilities. Regardless of these doubts, however, I continued on the journey and did all the things I was “supposed” to do to make this dream my reality. I worked harder than anyone in school and, on the field, I played on the best teams in the state. I traveled to tournaments to be viewed by college recruiters, I took individual lessons to hone my skills and master my craft and I sent at least a hundred letters and videos to colleges all across the country. I stressed over every decision I made, hoping it was the right one. Like I said, I did everything I was “supposed” to do … I worked hard and I lived each day constantly overwhelmed by the emotional stress of willing everything to happen TO me”
On one spring day in Washington state, I had just returned home from school and my parents told me I had received mail from my number one college. Had my dream come true? I held the very small envelope in my hand. It was the size of a small thank you letter. I was hesitant to open it, but at the same time, I was more excited than I had ever been in my life. Slowly I opened the white envelope. Just as the size of the envelope indicated, it contained a small card with the logo of my top school in beautiful color on the front. Inside the card read:
Amy,
We have heard such amazing things about you, and after watching you play, we would love to invite you to be a recruited walk-on in our program next fall. If you can come to watch a game next weekend, we would love for you to stay after the game and talk with our coaching staff.
Sincerely,
Coach
The following weekend my family and I went to the game, and as promised after the game was over, we were escorted down to the locker room to meet the coaching staff in person. As I walked from the stands down toward the field my heart was racing, my palms were sweating, I was so nervous. Was this really happening? Was I genuinely getting an opportunity to play here on this field? The assistant coach held the door open as I stepped foot into my childhood fantasy. The locker room was very impressive with beautiful purple carpets and an impressive, fully fitted out kitchen. But even more impressive than the actual room I was standing in, was the knowledge that I was in the presence of amazing athletes from all over the country, brought together on this team, with the mission of winning a National Championship. They were all sitting in front of their lockers on stools. It was almost too good to be true! We walked across the locker room to a small meeting room where they closed the door behind us. At that moment, I was more nervous than I had ever been in my life. I was sitting
across the table from a woman whom I sincerely admired and considered to be one of the best coaches of all time. But, at the same time, I thought she looked very scary! I was shaking on the inside while trying my best to convey the body language of a confident high school senior ready to be a part of this program. I can’t tell you anything that was even discussed in that meeting but what I can tell you is I knew this was it, the place I was supposed to play.
The following four years would be the best, the worst and the most challenging years of my life to that point. I was challenged by this coach and this program and pushed outside of my comfort zone on a daily basis. I did not come into this program slated as a starter or even someone who would see the field, I had to work, and I had to become better every day.
I did exactly this and by the beginning of my sophomore year, I was starting in a position that I had never played before. During my junior year, I suffered a season-ending injury only a couple weeks into the season and was forced to red-shirt1. The following season I was named team captain and given even more responsibility. Like I said before, it was the best, the worst, and the most challenging part of my life up to that point. And then the phone call came.
It was December of my fifth year, my true senior season, since one year ended up being a red-shirt year. We had finished up finals and winter break had just begun. I was at a shopping center late in the evening with my parents when my cell phone rang. I quickly answered to hear my Head Coach’s voice shaking with confusion, fear and a sense of urgency. She promptly told me that she didn’t know exactly where this all came from, but she had been asked to leave the University and wouldn’t be coaching us in my senior year. She asked me, as captain of the team, to contact all my team members, including our incoming recruits for the following year. She wanted them to learn this devastating news from me and not hear about it through the media. I was confused and fearful. I had no idea how this could have happened.
The following two months were an emotional rollercoaster for all of us involved: coaches, players, parents, incoming recruits, alumni, fans, and everyone in this program. The University that I had grown up respecting and believing to be one of the best in the country was making assumptions about the sincerest coach, and person, I had ever known. How could anyone possibly believe that she was involved with things that I knew she was absolutely not a part of! But it was not just me, everyone involved in this program knew this for a fact and so we decided that if we all fought for what was right, there was no way she could be fired for something that was far from the truth. All the players quickly decided to quit, the alumni agreed to write letters to the administration, and the softball community backed our beloved coach. And then, as quickly as this all played out, the tides turned. Current players realized that if they did quit and nothing happened, they would lose their scholarships and would no longer be able to pay for college. Assistant coaches realized if they left, there would be no one to coach the players, and they would be out of a job, unable to support their families. Furthermore, the alumni realized that if they wrote letters to the administration and our head coach was fired in any event, they wouldn’t be able to apply for her job to keep the traditions of the program alive. Reality had reared its face and choices had to be made.
Come the first week of January when we were supposed to report back for school, all my teammates had made the decision to continue playing so as not to lose their scholarships. The assistant coaches had made the decision to continue coaching in interim roles, the alumni decided not to send letters to the administration and instead apply for the coaching job to keep tradition alive. Now I had to make my decision.
I was raised on the saying “you are only as good as your word” and honesty and loyalty were deep in my roots. I knew better than to let my Head Coach take the fall for something she wasn’t involved in. I knew the right thing to do was to stand up for the truth. I knew I couldn’t continue to play for a University, for coaches, and with players that were “pretending” things just happened and we didn’t have a choice. At the end of the day, we always have a choice – we should and must follow our intuition and do what we feel is right. This much I knew!
What I also knew was that I had worked my whole childhood to be where I was at this moment in time, I knew the sacrifices I had made to earn the uniform that I proudly wore. I knew how hard I had to work all these years to compete for this University and to be a part of this team. I knew I would lose my scholarship and have to pay for my last year of college. I knew I wouldn’t be able to play in my senior game, which is one of the most special days of our careers as athletes. I knew I would lose friendships from some, or even most, teammates, alumni, and coaches. I would be judged by so many, including myself, and labelled a quitter. I would lose my identity as a collegiate athlete.
To be completely honest, I knew what decision I needed to make, and for once in my life, I couldn’t explain to you why I knew. I just knew. I knew I had to do what was right for me. I couldn’t be a part of something that I didn’t believe in, that I didn’t trust, and that was so far from the truth. So, I decided to quit in the last and final months of my collegiate softball career. I followed my intuition!
For my entire life, I had looked through the lens of “life keeps happening to me”. Everything good and everything bad happened to me. I would live for the emotional highs of the good and play victim when things turned bad. My life was an emotional rollercoaster, I was always waiting to see what the next twist or turn would be. I would downplay any amazing moments so as not to be hurt too badly when the inevitable challenging moments arrived. I would be in the middle of a beautiful moment literally telling myself, “don’t get too excited because when this happens, you might soon get hurt.” I was constantly working towards, and hoping, for the best-case scenario yet at the same time preparing for, and expecting, the worst.
You can work your entire childhood to get good grades, be a leader in school, work hard on the softball field, and sacrifice many social activities all to land your opportunity to play softball at your dream college only to have everything ripped away from you in your senior year.
Looking back on these four and a half years of my life, my college years, I never stopped to really evaluate or pay attention to all the life lessons that had continued to happen on my journey. The lens I had on life at that time was “life is happening to me.” With every obstacle that appeared, or struggle that presented itself to me, I would say to myself “why me, why again, I am working so hard, don’t I deserve a break?”
I continued to see these same obstacles and struggles showing up in my life; it almost seemed as if my life was on a repeat loop. After leaving college, my next big adventure was a collegiate coaching job in Texas as an assistant softball coach. I coached there for four years and guess what, in my fourth year, life repeated itself. The head coach left the program in the fall, and I was given the interim head coach responsibility. Throughout that entire season, I continued to think exactly in the same way I had thought all my life. In other words, I hoped for the best … ...to get the job, but then again expecting the worst that I wouldn’t get the job! I spent so much time and energy thinking about what would it be like if I didn’t get the job. Not to mention my husband was my assistant coach, meaning if I didn’t get the job, neither would he. To add even more stress to our situation, we had just found out we were pregnant with our first child. You can imagine the thoughts that poured through my head all day, every day. “If we don’t get this job, how will we support our new little one?” “What will my family think?” “Will I have to move yet again to another state to find a job?” “Who will hire a softball coach that is having a baby right before the season starts?” “I should have stayed home in the first place, why on earth did we even take this job in Texas?” My thoughts and emotions were all focused on what I didn’t want to happen. I am sure you can guess what happened next.
It was a Monday morning, my husband, and I had just returned home after recruiti
ng all weekend at a Junior College National Tournament. I received a call from the athletic director’s secretary asking me to go and talk to him. I walked into his office and with no hesitation, he told me they had decided to hire the baseball coach’s son who had been coaching at another school in town. There it was. My life indeed on repeat!
My husband and I moved back home to Washington shortly after this news. I applied for a coaching job just a thirty-minute drive from where we were living and it turned out to be the perfect place for me! I coached for eight seasons, having my second baby in the middle of this stint and in my seventh season, I became pregnant with my third child.
My passion for coaching derived from the privilege I felt in being able to nurture young women in the 18 to 22 age range and to really help them find who they were, support them through their life lessons, and do my best to be a positive influence in their lives. I really believed from the connections, relationships, and experiences I had with the majority of my players over the years that I was doing just this and, for the most part, my players really loved me.
You often hear horror stories around coaching in collegiate athletics. A common perception is that “entitled kids” are running the show and getting coaches fired over ridiculous things. I always told myself this would never happen to me. My kids all respected me and would never go down this road, but sadly I was wrong. Indeed, my life was repeating yet again!
We had just returned to the University after competing in a Regional Championship that in my opinion went really well. Yes, we lost, but we had a fantastic weekend. I was called for a meeting in the Athletic Director’s office2. As I walked in, I noticed a woman who was, at that time, unknown to me. She turned out to be the Head of Human Resources. They both told me that I was being put on leave as they had to conduct an investigation, I was completely caught off guard! I had no idea what the investigation was about, in fact before walking into the office, I didn’t even have an inkling that anything was wrong. They informed me that I needed to turn in my keys and to ensure that I had no contact with any current players, recruits, staff or other coaches. I was hurt, devastated, confused, scared, angry. I had every negative emotion possible, not to mention I was seven months pregnant.
Liberate your Struggles Page 7
