"Frosting?"
Nyelle nods.
"And we don't even have to climb a tree," I say, moving toward the bed, suddenly starving.
She smiles innocently as I bend over her, tasting her lips.
"There isn't any frosting there," she murmurs against my mouth.
"Just thought it was a good place to start," I reply, working my way down her neck, to the heart painted below her ear. I take my time finding each spot strategically marked for me. She gasps at the touch of my tongue on her sweet skin as I move down her body, savoring every inch.
This is most definitely the hottest thing I've ever done. Her breath quivers when I finish with the hidden hearts painted along her legs.
"I love breakfast in bed," I say, returning to her lips once again. "So much better than cereal."
"Did you just compare me to cereal?" she asks, still flushed.
"What? I can have you both every day and never get sick of you," I argue, scanning her naked body. I'm not quite done with her yet. "How is that bad?"
She inhales quickly when I ease on top of her. "Oh, it's not."
*
"Did you fall asleep?" Nyelle asks, leaning back against me.
"Nope," I say groggily, with my eyes closed. The hot water's sedating. "But I probably could."
"We're losing our bubbles," she says. The water swishes.
"Do you want to get out?" I ask, opening my eyes with a deep inhale. I lean forward and kiss her shoulder.
She holds her hands up in front of us. "My fingers are pruny, so I think it's time."
Nyelle uses the sides of the cast-iron tub to push herself up. I admire the water cascading off her skin. Then I shake the thoughts from my head, knowing we can't spend the entire day in bed. Or... maybe we could.
"I was thinking about going for a walk," she says, wrapping a towel around herself.
"It looks like it's going to rain," I inform her.
"We're in Oregon. It always looks like it's going to rain."
I smile, reaching for the towel on the hook. "True."
"What would you say if I asked to dress you?" she says, walking into the bedroom.
"You want to pick out my clothes? I didn't bring a huge selection."
"No." She laughs. "Actually dress you. I like the thought of it."
I pause, about to make a comment about how strange it sounds. But then I stop myself, thinking back to when I thought showering in the dark was a bad idea. And now that memory will never leave me.
"If you want to," I respond. "Will you let me dress you?"
"Sure," she answers with a smile in her voice.
Watching her bend down in front of me to pull up my pants and then sliding her fingers up the zipper is much more of a turn-on than I ever could've imagined. I'm tempted to ask her to take them back off again.
When it's my turn, I take my time, sliding her arms into her bra and standing close to clasp it behind her. Kneeling before her as she steps into her underwear, running my hands up her legs as I guide them in place.
Kissing her when her head peeks out of the sweater. Then running my lips up her thighs when I pull her pants up. I pause at the small scar on her right thigh, kissing it gently. I smooth my fingers over it. It's so light after all these years. I hadn't really given it much attention until now, too distracted by the other parts of her.
"I can't believe how small it is," I remark, "considering there was a branch sticking out of it. I thought Richelle..."
Her body is suddenly too still. I cringe. I said too much. Shit.
Nyelle reaches for the top of her pants, pulling them over her hips and buttoning them. I stand openmouthed, wanting to take it back. But what should I do? Apologize? Pretend like I didn't say it?
I'm so used to her not flinching at the mention of Renfield or anyone in it. Even the few times she's let a memory slip through, she didn't react. She didn't even seem to realize that she'd done it. But now it's different. The memories are like jolts of electricity, waking her from her oblivion. And they hurt. How do I make it stop?
"Uh... do you want to make pancakes?" I ask, hoping to distract her enough so that she can move past this. She was so excited when we picked up the box of mix on our way here. I'm grasping for anything right now.
"No, that's okay," she answers quietly, sitting on the bed and pulling on her socks. "I think I'll go for that walk before it rains."
I watch silently as she laces up her combat boots. She still won't look at me, and it's killing me.
When she stands, I step in front of her, placing my hands on her hips. "Nyelle." She stares at my chest. "Please look at me."
She reluctantly raises her eyes to meet mine. But quickly looks away when the pain surfaces and her eyes shine with tears. I try to control my expression so she doesn't realize I'm as freaked as I am.
"I think... I think we should talk about it." Holy shit, I've said it.
"I don't want to talk. I can't," she replies in a broken whisper. "I'll be back in a bit."
She slips past me.
"Wait. Don't go," I plead, following after her down the hall. "I know that you're upset. You don't have to hide it. Nyelle, you don't have to hide who you are with me. Remember?"
She reaches the bottom of the stairs and turns back around. "I'm fine," she lies. "I just need to go for a walk and clear my head."
I follow her to the door, but let her leave without stopping her.
I clasp my hands behind my head. Fuck.
Do I go after her? Do I give her time to herself? I'm so far out of my element here. I go back upstairs to grab my phone.
I walk around the house, searching for a signal. Nothing. The overcast sky must be making the reception worse than usual.
I go outside and hold the phone up, waiting for any bars to appear. As soon as I see two, I stop.
The sound of the phone ringing breaks up, and I close my eyes, begging for it to go through.
"Cal? Where've... been?!" Rae answers. The reception sucks.
"I'm at Zac's," I tell her.
"Where?"
"Oregon. Zac's cabin," I say again. There's no way we're going to be able to have a conversation.
"Nyelle... you," is all I get from her before it cuts out.
I grunt in frustration. That was useless. I walk around again, even trying along the dirt road. Nothing.
I sit on the steps of the cabin, and Henley trots over to sit at my feet. I pet the top of his head and stare at the woods for a while, hoping she'll come back.
"So what do you think, Henley? Should I go after her?"
He just looks up at me with his tongue hanging out.
"You're right. She's the girl worth going after," I say, scratching him behind his ear. "Let's go get her."
Except when I stand up, I have no idea which way to go. We're surrounded by woods. She could have gone anywhere.
So I just start walking, trying to follow the most natural path. After about fifteen minutes, I stop. This is useless. Then I remember...
"The lake," I say to Henley, who tilts his head at the sound of my voice.
I get my bearings and head down the slope toward the lake. I don't know why I didn't think of going there first. I'm hoping she's instinctively drawn to it or something. Either way, I have nothing to lose.
I'm about halfway there when I catch movement out of the corner of my eye. Henley stands at attention, listening. Then he takes off running. I should've just let him lead me to her.
I jog after him through the trees and underbrush.
I slow to a walk when I see her in the distance. Henley is stopped up ahead, waiting for me to follow.
The trees open up, surrounding a large patch of moss carpeting the forest. And in the middle of that clearing is Nyelle. And she's... dancing.
I'm afraid to continue. I don't want her to stop. The idea that she's spinning around in the middle of the woods seems insane. But she's so graceful in her movement, it's actually... beautiful.
I move
in closer, hoping she won't notice me. Then I realize she has earbuds clipped to her ears. And her eyes are closed.
I lean against a tree and watch her sweep her hands in the air, dipping back and extending a leg toward the sky, her bare foot pointed.
I knew she danced. I never saw her perform. Seeing this, I wish I had.
She leaps in an arching movement. Upon touching down, Nyelle lowers to the ground into a seated pose with her legs bent at elegant angles and her arms folded around them. And then she doesn't move.
I slowly approach her. She's still bowed over, her head resting on her arms. Her shoulders shake as she gasps for each breath. She's crying.
Henley jogs up, sticking his nose in her face. She raises her head, looking directly at me with tears streaming down her face. She removes her earbuds without getting up.
Staring into those same blue eyes I memorized so long ago, I ask, "Who's Nyelle Preston?"
RICHELLE
May--Senior Year of High School
"I like it out here," I say, lying back on the blanket, staring up at the stars.
"We probably shouldn't stay out here long. It's getting cold," Nicole replies, her hands folded on her stomach.
"Nothing seems to matter when I look up at the stars," I continue, not worried about the chill in the air. "They're full of possibilities, and they can make everything better by just wishing on them."
"I've always thought of them as everything I haven't done and wished I could. The moments I want back, to do again."
"Your what ifs," I declare.
"Yeah."
"Well, every time you see one streak across the sky, take it back. Do whatever you wanted to do over again."
Nicole lets out a small laugh. "I'd like that."
We lay in silence for a moment. Nicole has been my best friend for most of my childhood. Every happy memory is attached to her in some way. But a part of me always worries about her. I can't help it.
"Are you happy?" I ask her.
"What?"
"All I ever want is for you to be happy. You put so much pressure on yourself to be what everyone expects you to be. I'm afraid that you're not happy."
"I am when I'm with you. You're the only person who doesn't expect me to act a certain way." She pauses. "Sometimes I wish I could be everything I'm not. Spontaneous. Adventurous. Just do something because it's fun. Not care what anyone thinks about how I look. How I act. Just be... me."
"I think you should do it," I encourage her, smiling just thinking about Nicole being anything but composed and put together.
"I wish," she breathes.
"That's your first what if," I proclaim. "The next shooting star we see, you get to do you over again."
Nicole laughs.
We lay there for a moment, watching the sky, waiting for that second chance.
"Richelle?"
"Yeah," I respond, still watching for any movement in the sky. I think I see one, but it's a plane.
"Are you... are you happy?"
There's a hesitation in her voice that makes me reach out and grab her hand. "Today I am." Nicole squeezes my hand. "Do me a favor?"
"Anything," she answers quickly. Too quickly.
"I worry about you, you know? How quiet you are. What must be going on in your head. Everyone expecting you to be... perfect. I know you must get sad, and angry, and frustrated. Just... let it go."
"I can't always scream when everything sucks."
I continue to absorb the burning lights above me. "Then... let the stars take it away and make everything better. And when the sun comes up, and those stars disappear, they take all the hurt with them."
"Until the next night when they're there to remind me of everything that sucks."
"No, because then they become possibilities again."
"You being all philosophical is confusing."
I laugh. "Yeah. I don't know if I'm making sense anymore."
"Well, I'll never look at the stars again without thinking of you," Nicole says, holding my hand tight.
"That's not a bad thing."
A streak of light passes above us. We both lift our arms to point at the same time.
"There you go. You get to be her. The messy, crazy, unpredictable girl you've always wanted to be."
Nicole sighs heavily.
"Girls," my mother calls to us from the back deck of the cabin. "Come inside. The last thing you need is to get a cold."
"Isn't that the reason we're here--to get fresh air?" I ask.
"Richelle," my mother says sternly.
"Com-ing!" I reply.
"It's okay," Nicole reassures me. "It is pretty cold out here."
I sit up. "Ooh! Maybe she'll make us hot chocolate!"
Chapter Twenty-One
"Will you please tell me? Who's Nyelle Preston?" I ask again, after what feels like an hour of us just staring at each other Nyelle pulls her knees up, hugging them as she remains seated on the mossy ground. "A lie I wanted to be true."
"She seems real to me. How is she a lie?"
Nyelle closes her eyes, her lashes glistening with tears. I want to touch her. To hold her. But then I'm afraid I won't find out what I came here in search of.
Her pained blue eyes rise to meet mine. "I didn't want my life. I didn't want to hurt anymore. So I became the lie I wished for."
She looks down and lets out a breath, like she's trying to release the hurt into the air. She's not making sense. I'm not sure how much has come back to her. And how much is still trapped within the lie she's convinced herself to believe.
"Did you recognize me that night, at the Halloween party?"
"Not at first. You look different," she says, biting at her lip. "But when I knew it was you, I tried to stay away. I tried so hard, because you reminded me of everything that I needed to forget. But each time I saw you, I wanted to see you again. So, I got to know you like it was the first time."
"Then what happened to Nicole?" I ask. Somewhere between the cabin and here, I found the nerve to ask every question I've been choking on all this time. Not saying it's easy watching her bowed over like she wants to fold in on herself and disappear. But if I'm going to fight for her, she needs to fight for herself too, whoever she is.
Nyelle lays her head on her arm, staring at the moss. "I wished her away." She draws in a deep breath and sighs sadly. Her cryptic answers still confuse me. What if she's been trapped within her lie for so long, she can't find her way out?
A raindrop lands on her arm. I look up at the sky, which has decided that now is the perfect time to open up on us. Of course.
"Let's go back to the cabin," I suggest, moving closer to help her up.
Nyelle slides on her socks and boots before accepting my hand.
I'm about to start running as the rain picks up. But Nyelle walks, unfazed. Which is exactly what I should've expected from her. The canopy of evergreens shelters us from the brunt of the storm. But we're still getting wet.
"Why did you wish her away?" I ask after a minute of walking with our eyes on the ground, the silence suffocating me.
Nyelle glances up at me with a curious smile, like she doesn't understand why I'd ask. "She... The girl I used to be did what everyone expected of her. She wasn't real and I didn't want to be that girl anymore." She bites at her lip, trying to keep from crying again. "It's been so hard remembering her. What I was like. But I'm not her. Not anymore."
"Because you started over," I conclude. "And that's not a bad thing, I guess. Aren't you happier being Nyelle... being you?"
Nyelle stops and turns to me, her eyes glistening. "Yeah," she breathes. "I am. But what if this isn't really who I am? What if I wanted to be Nyelle so bad that I've lost myself along the way?"
I reach for her. The distance between us feels like a canyon, and I can't stand it any longer. She doesn't resist when I wrap my arms around her.
"I don't think you're lost. You've just let yourself be who you've always wanted to be. And that makes you happy," I say
into her hair, kissing the top of her head. "And you've made me happy along with you. So, as far as I'm concerned, you are... you. Exactly who you're supposed to be."
She peers up at me, wearing a hint of a smile, tears mixed with the rain soaking her face. "I've missed you."
"I've missed you too," I say, kissing her soft, wet lips. "Why'd I have to lose you for all those years?"
She pulls away, wiping the tears from her cheeks with a shake of her head. She's not ready for this part yet. To talk about what hurts.
We start walking again. I don't want to ask her any more questions. I can't. It's taken everything I have to get this much out of her. My chest feels so tight from the anxiety squeezing it, I'm surprised I'm still breathing.
"I made a promise." Nyelle's whisper barely cuts through the rain.
She stops in front of me at the edge of the forest with the cabin in sight, her hands clenched tight.
"Do you still have to keep the promise?" I ask. I'm watching the two halves of her being ripped apart as she struggles with what she has to tell me.
Nyelle shakes her head. "But I've kept it so long, I don't know how to let it go." She covers her face with her hands, sobbing.
Her shoulders shake with each tortured breath, and it's breaking me. I can't handle it. With just the touch of my hand on her shoulder, she collapses against me, unable to hold herself up any longer.
"It's okay," I console her, holding her tight. "You don't have to tell me."
"I will," she mutters into my soaked shirt. "I need to. It just... it hurts. It still hurts so much."
Henley starts barking. I peer over the top of Nyelle's head as my mother's car comes into view. Nyelle twists within my arms, still leaning against me. We remain still, watching my mother and Rae get out of the car in front of the cabin.
I keep my arm wrapped around Nyelle's shoulder and step forward. But she won't move.
"Cal, we've been trying to reach you," my mother says from under an umbrella. My stomach drops at the sight of her pinched brow. Her eyes scrunch, looking at Nyelle, then widen in recognition. "Nicole?"
"What's going on?" I ask, but not really wanting to hear whatever it is that caused the red rims under Rae's eyes. I brace myself.
"You know," Nyelle says beside me, redirecting my attention. She's staring at Rae.
Rae nods. "I know."
NICOLE
Day After Graduation--High School
What If Page 26
