Her gaze flicks to me. She catches me staring at her again. Our gazes clash a moment too long. I clear my throat, embarrassingly aware of the heat flushing up my neck.
Suddenly, her eyes widen when they see something just over our shoulders. In a rush, she stumbles to stand before the song is over. She’s frozen, her face unreadable, but her gaze moves behind us and back again. I turn around and see Ken.
“Oh, hey Ken,” I say lightly.
“I see the birthday celebration is going well,” he says.
I had included him on the email invite but never thought he’d come. His expression is cool as it drifts over each member of the team. It’s not like we’ve done anything wrong. But based on Julia’s reaction, I worry she’s feeling embarrassed. I shouldn’t have pushed her to dance. What the hell is wrong with me lately? I have to be better. I have to stop staring at her all the time and flirting.
“Ken, thanks for joining us. Have you had a chance to meet our newest team member yet?”
“I don’t believe I have,” Ken says dryly.
“Julia, this is the liaison for the labs. He’s helped Shemesh-Tek big time,” I explain.
“Nice to meet you,” he says and extends a hand.
The color that had returned to her cheeks during her dance drains away.
9
Julia
It’s him. The guy that was talking to skeezy William that day. He’s the reason I decided to stay. I glare at his hand. If I stare any harder he could catch on fire.
Nathaniel steps in front of him smoothly—once again saving me from unwanted touch—and asks Ken, “Can I buy you a drink?”
“Excuse me,” I mumble.
I collect myself in the bathroom, checking my reflection in the mirror. My eyes are bright and a dewy gleam sparkles along my skin. I can only hope they thought I went too heavy on bronzer. That was too close.
I just had to try impress him—er, them. The team. I don’t even know what took over me. I caught Nathaniel looking at me in a way that sent heat burning through me. Made my heart beat sluggish with desire. He saved me from that handsy drunk guy. It made me want to dance for him even though I knew better. But he had never looked at me that way before.
And then that man, Ken, showed up and it was ice water on my growing emotions. He’s the dark shadow over our contract that I’ve heard so much about. I’d never made the connection that he was one of the guys I’d heard criticizing Nathaniel’s lab. Even though I didn’t trust this Ken it was good he showed up when he had. I was being careless. I felt the glow licking under my skin. I should have never danced like that to begin with.
In the mirror, I swallow down the power ebbing in me. An ache starts at the base of my spine. The color drains from my face like somebody moved a spotlight off me and I’m back to hiding backstage. I feel exhausted but hear Grandma Sue in my head.
Focus on what you know.
That discussion between Ken and William was enough to make me take this job. I wasn’t expecting to see that man so soon or to hear Nathaniel say that he was key to Shemesh-Tek. Had I misread the situation? Let my emotions get the best of me? What did I actually hear that day? William was the one who was being so harsh. What was Ken supposed to do when one of the most powerful men in town criticized a small start-up? It can be hard to stand up to that sort of power. I need to calm down.
I frown at myself. I’m making more out of a situation than is really there. Being too defensive. I’m falling too fast for this team. And for Nathaniel.
I tuck myself into a stall and press a palm to my racing heart. Even thinking of Nathaniel’s look now does magical things to me. My eyes roll closed as I replay the burning heat in his eyes. He was focused on the exposed area of skin near my neck. It made me want to tug my shirt down and lengthen my neck like an offer to a vampire.
I got lost in the moment. High on the impromptu flush of music and dancing. Dancing lights my soul like nothing else. But if I’m being honest with myself, it’s more than that. It’s the closeness I feel for this team after only a few weeks. They feel too much like a family. I feel so welcomed. They were genuinely happy just to see me dance and learn more about me. I forget how freeing it can be to share pieces of your soul with people.
What would I even do with the attentions of someone like Nathaniel? Nothing. I could do nothing. I could and would hurt him. I push down the dreams so fast, I feel sick. Like getting motion sickness, my stomach churns and my head aches. I remind myself it’s better this way. Safer. Taking a deep breath, I wipe my face and go back out to the group.
Thankfully Ken is off chatting with a different group of lab employees. I’m glad to find that Nathaniel has already closed out our tab. He glances up at me and a flash of worry crosses his face before he quickly wipes it away in exchange for his usual easy smile.
“Ready?” he asks.
I nod. The rest of our group seems completely unaware of my minor freak-out. We say our goodbyes and head back to my car. Nathaniel stays quiet as I make the short drive back to the building. What had Nathaniel thought of the dance? Did he notice my reaction to Ken?
I’m about to break the silence when he speaks.
“If you’re worried about Ken showing up, don’t be.” I flick a glance to see him watching me with a worried look.
He doesn’t know what I heard. Or what I think I heard.
“Who exactly is Ken?” I ask cautiously.
“He’s the go-between the lab and contracting companies like Shemesh-Tek. He’s not a bad guy but he’s always going to choose the labs first, you know? He took a chance on us when nobody else did.”
“Hmm.” I worry my lip, unsure what to say.
Maybe I remembered the conversation wrong. I decide to let it go but to keep an eye on him. I don’t want Nathaniel to know some bigwig was talking poorly about the team. That won’t help the already strained morale.
“Honestly, I didn’t think he’d come when I invited him. He doesn’t usually do the social stuff.”
Or he could be checking up on us, I think but don’t say. I shut off the engine and turn to him.
Nathaniel clears his throat. “Also, I’m sorry I pushed on the dance thing.” His hands are clasped in his lap and it’s the stillest I’ve ever seen him.
So then my freak out wasn’t totally unnoticed.
“I promise you that wasn’t it. I’m embarrassed that this is the second time you’ve seen me have a—”
Think before you speak, Julia. How are you going to finish that sentence exactly?
“Panic attack?” Once again he saves me from my own blundering.
My head snaps to him. Is that what he saw? I don’t say anything because lying to him now feels harder. Instead, I toy with the stitching in my seat.
“Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you look like you aren’t feeling well,” he says.
And no wonder I had to fight back glowing. It was silly of me to think I could get away with dancing at all. I know better. Even after all these years of practicing spending a few minutes in the limelight made the power come too fast. It’s different in front of people, in front of him. I just wanted so badly for him to notice me … to really see me and want me.
“If I did anything to make you feel uncomfortable, I’m sorry.” His voice is low and his face is twisted with earnestness.
Him?
“What? No. I’m okay. Just stomach trouble.” Really, brain?! That’s what you come up with?
I’m a petri dish of weirdness.
He doesn’t make a move to leave the car so I remain in place. We face each other in the small space and the air feels heavy with something. Is it my awkwardness? Or is my wishful thinking hoping for something more.
“You’re really good,” he says.
I blink, forgetting what we are talking about.
“When you danced,” he explains. “I don’t know what I was expecting. I guess you said tap and I thought Singin’ in the Rain and black and white movies.”
/>
I blush. “Oh yeah. I get that. I like that about tap too. It can be classic, it can be contemporized. I like to pay homage to all the dancers before me.”
As I speak, he watches me with intensity. I forgot how rare it is to actually have somebody actively listen to me. If I chat with people at all they seem like they are just waiting until they can share about themselves. His gaze falls to my mouth.
“You’re really good at it,” he whispers.
“Thanks.”
“Why don’t you dance professionally?”
“Well, a couple reasons. Mostly, my health issues.”
He sits up. “Is that what happened tonight?”
“Yeah.” I let out a breath. “Doctors don’t actually know what’s wrong with me. Their best guess is fibromyalgia but I think that’s because they just don’t know what to do with me.” Obviously, I never share the glowing and zapping people with doctors but their quickness to shut me down and send me on my way had me stop going years ago, even for check-ups.
“That’s awful.”
“I manage. It’s not really something I talk about a lot.” I don’t mean to shut him down; I just don’t know how to share without seeming either melodramatic or like I’m looking for sympathy.
“It must be frustrating to not know. I hate not knowing things. I have to understand how everything works.”
“Exactly. I almost feel like if they just could properly label it, I could fight it. It’s worse not knowing.” If he only knew how clueless I feel about my own body.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “Is there anything I can do?”
I shake my head. “I wish there was. When I feel … an episode coming, I can usually take care of myself.” I’ve share more with Nathaniel than I’ve shared with anyone other than Angel. Later I might regret it, but I really can’t stop the words from coming in this moment. I feel so comfortable with him and not ready to end this moment.
“Is that what’s been happening lately? The last few days, you’ve seemed a little more drawn.”
I nod but don’t want to talk about it anymore. It’s the stress of the contract. Being around him. I’m a mess. He leans his head against the headrest and I mirror his position.
“I shouldn’t have gone out. I have no energy left to go back in and finish what I need to,” he says.
“Me neither.” I make a face. I wouldn’t normally admit that to him because I want him to think the best of me, but at this point …
We stare at each other openly. I don’t hide it and neither does he. We would never do this in the light of the day, but here in the closeness of my Jeep at night, it feels completely safe. His scent invades me. My fingertips long to trace the edge of his lips. Damn, I just want to cross this stick shift and straddle his.
Oh my God. Did I seriously just think that?
I look down at my hands. They remain normal but the little control I reasserted at the bar is even thinner now. It’s like trying to stack cooked pasta. It’s so much harder to resist.
Harder. I need an ice bath. We are sitting outside my office building, for crying out loud. What if somebody sees us?
But then …
His hand reaches out. His forefinger and thumb grab a curl framing my face and gently tugs it. He releases it and dreamily watches it bounce.
“Julia …” he whispers.
I close my eyes for the briefest second, letting myself have this moment of my name on his lips.
I swallow with effort. My heart is ricocheting around my chest. The curls in my periphery shake slightly. There’s no way I’m building this up on my end. He blinks softly and leans toward me. I could reach out a hand and rest it on the knee that is almost in my seat. He’s so tall. So big and manly and he takes up so much space. I love that. I want him to invade my space. I want him to take what he wants.
I reach a hand out, tentatively testing the moment. His eyes don’t leave mine, but I notice the rapid rise and fall of his chest.
I’m just about to place my hand on his bicep when something in me snaps. A realization. I have been here before and hurt someone I wanted to kiss. A bolt shoots through me. I see it then—a tiny white line shoots from my finger to his upper arm. He turns his head to where the mini bolt escaped.
“Whoa,” he says at the same time I flail a retreat, yelling, “Sorry!”
I shoot back and in a series of awkward maneuvers, simultaneously unbuckle myself and jump backward out of the car.
“I have to …” I sprint out of the car without finishing the sentence. Shaking fingers punch the numbers in the keypad as I go into the building. I hear him shut my car door behind me.
“Julia—”
I handled that poorly. I need to explain but for now I have to get away from Nathaniel to keep him safe.
What had just happened? The little zap of white light was new. What if I hurt him? I told myself it was just static electricity. Nothing more.
Liar, my mind screams.
I don’t wait to see if he follows me. I feel so ashamed and silly and mostly … disappointed.
I shut and lock my office door behind me and lean against the door with a panting chest. I haven’t turned the lights on but there are shadows along the walls. I glow like a lighthouse in a storm.
Despondency crashes over me.
Why did I ever think I could be normal, even for one night? Why did I think I could go out with friends for my birthday and have fun and kiss I guy I like at sunset?
I will never have that. I will never be normal. I will always be alone and moving from place to place. It’s that, or risk hurting anybody I care about.
I slide down the door and press my palms into my eyes until I see stars.
Deep breath in. Deep breath out. One step at a time. Just one step at a time. Eventually the pain will subside. Eventually I will be thankful just to be alive, even if I have to dance alone in the dark.
10
Nathaniel
Oh God, oh God, oh God.
I fucked up.
So big this time. I crossed the line. What was I thinking? The revulsion in her features plays over and over in my head. It’s a tearing in my chest, a shame and sadness like nothing I’ve ever felt. How could I have such big feelings for her this soon? Nothing about this makes sense. It was the alcohol. It was the good energy surrounding the night. It’s the countless late nights and early mornings. I’m exhausted and weak. My head is messed up, that’s all.
I have one job. I have to keep this contract alive. I have to do that for every single member of my team who have killed themselves for my silly ideas. For those who believe in me and the good I want to accomplish.
One almost-kiss and I could have thrown it all away. I pace with restless energy around the office. I abhor physical violence but suddenly have the desire to punch something. Instead, I force myself to breathe deep until the rush passes. What had I been thinking?
But I know.
I was thinking of how beautiful Julia looked tonight. How her skin glowed—more than that; it almost sparkled. How she looked up at me through long lashes like she was thinking dark thoughts. How her lips were so damn sexy and full they just long to be licked and sucked on.
“Fuck,” I groan.
She’s going to quit or report me and I have nobody else to blame but myself. I slam into my chair, elbows on my knees, blowing out breaths for sanity. I scrub my hands through my hair and press my fingertips to my temples.
I’ll give her a minute and then I’ll go apologize. I could claim I didn’t do anything but I’m not a coward. I will own my actions. I won’t diminish her reactions or make it seem like this is her fault. I won’t lie to her about anything. I’ll explain that I crossed a line and that she can do whatever will make her most comfortable.
I need to call Lincoln. He’ll tell me what to do. Not like I can talk to Jared about this. Is it sad that one of my best friends is a sixteen-year-old boy? But the kid is freakishly wise for his age. I reach for the desk phone when my
hand knocks my mouse, waking up my computer.
My heart drops. “Thirty-seven new emails? I’ve only been gone an hour or two—”
My inbox is filled with ALERT messages I set up to notify me if a test fails.
“Oh no.”
I read the error messages filled with lines of code, one after the other. I’m good at code but not as good as Jared. I’m not exactly sure what I’m seeing. I add the fail times to the dry-erase board behind me. The failures are inexplicable. There is no rhyme or reason to the pattern. We’ve tracked weather patterns, solar flares, earthquakes in other continents. There is no reason that we can find for these failures.
“Shit,” I say for the hundredth time this hour.
My helpless inadequacy burns to frustration. I ball my fists and press them to my temples as the emotions rampage through my body. I stand to pace my office. No need to rage. I am better than that. I am not a man who resorts to violence when he feels weak. But I hate this sense of helplessness. I hate that I have no idea what’s happening.
Just calm down. Just breathe.
I try to remind myself that I am not a failure. Yet his voice is the one that echoes around my head.
You can’t do anything right. You’re pathetic.
What if I’ve messed up? What If I can’t do this? What if I let down not only myself, but a team of people who truly believed in me?
“Nathaniel?”
I glance up to see Julia at the door. Her arms are wrapped tight around her middle. Her eyes are creased with concern.
“Are you okay?” she asks softly.
I want to tell her yes. I want to be strong for her like I am for everyone else. I want her to count on me for strength and assurance.
But … I’m so fucking tired. And she’s so soft and concerned and lovely and …
“No,” I croak out. I shake my head and hide my face in my hand, head lowered.
The Untouched: THE UNSEEN SERIES, #2 Page 8
