Tim shuffled into the office, and it was hard to read his face. He always looked serious as death. He took the seat at his desk, after greeting me, and got down to business right away.
“Carla said you’ve opened up more, but you still have a long way to go, Jax,” he said. He rubbed at his chin, studying me with his brow furrowed. “She seems to think you can get through this, though, and I trust her opinion. I think we can let you come back provisionally for now and see how things go.”
Relief washed over me, but one thing held me back from celebrating completely.
“Provisionally?”
“Yes, just part-time, for now.”
“So you’re testing me?” I asked. “Making sure I’m cut out for the job that I’ve done pretty damn well for years now?”
To get where I was, I had to fight like hell. To think of myself being tested - again - pissed me off more than the request for therapy had.
“Jax, I know you’re a damn good fireman, but this isn’t about your skills on the job. It’s about your ability to handle the stresses of the job. So is it a test? Yes, and no. I just need to see that you can handle everything this job throws at you before I’m comfortable bringing you back on full-time.”
I threw my hands up. “I’m doing everything you’ve asked me to do.”
“Yes, but it’s only been a few weeks. You need more time. There are no easy fixes where mental health is concerned, Jaxon.”
The fact that he used my full first name meant business. Tim’s eyes narrowed as he stared at me, waiting for me to react.
He continued. “And truthfully, you’re not inspiring a whole lotta confidence right now. You can’t even handle some feedback without getting angry.”
“I’m not angry,” I said. I knew that was a lie, and so did Tim. I was angry. But who was I angry at, that was the question?
“You can come back in tomorrow morning for a few hours,” Tim said. “Or you can continue sitting at home, on your ass, and find another career path. It’s your choice, Jax. Take it or leave it.”
He knew the answer already. There was no way I’d walk away. I had too much invested in this career, in my dream career, to just walk away and find something else. I’d never be able to sit behind a desk and crunch numbers, nor could I see myself working as a regular EMT over at the ambulance shed. This was my life, and if I didn’t want to fuck things up completely, I needed to do everything he said.
I hated it. It took everything in me to walk out of that office without punching something, but I did just that. With my fists balled up at my sides and my jaw clenched so tightly it ached, I left Tim’s office and did my best to not screw things up.
But once I was free from the firehouse, after I walked out and headed down the street a bit, I let it all out. I slammed my fist into the side of a brick building, hard enough to hear something crack. It wasn’t the brick. When I pulled back my hand, my knuckles were covered in blood. It hurt, but damn, did it feel good at the same time.
ooo000ooo
“So you’re going back to work tomorrow morning?” Carla asked in our afternoon session. “I’m glad Tim took my advice.”
“You suggested he take me back?” I asked.
“No, he wanted to bring you back on, but I suggested that you start back slowly, for now.”
Ah, so it was her fault.
I crossed my arms in front of my chest and swallowed my angry response. My knuckles throbbed, reminding me of what my anger had brought out of me earlier. As if she could read my mind, Carla looked down at my bandaged hand.
“Have an accident?” she asked, cocking an eyebrow. She already knew it wasn’t a damn accident.
“Yeah, you can say that.”
“What happened?” she asked.
I let out a deep breath and settled into the couch. I had a second to consider whether I should tell her the truth or make something up. If I told her the truth, I risked her thinking I wasn’t ready to go back to work. Her eyes, however, narrowed on me and I knew she wouldn’t believe any lies I told her.
“I hit a wall,” I said.
“On purpose?” she asked.
I nodded. If she already knew the answers, I didn’t get why she was still bothering with the questions, but I played her little game.
“Because you were angry?” she asked.
I nodded again.
“What made you angry, Jax?”
Such a simple question, or at least it should be. I looked away, focusing my attention on the ficus plant next to her desk instead of on her.
“I don’t really know.”
She didn’t say anything, and it felt weird to just sit there in complete silence. Of course, my mouth wanted to fill the void, but I didn’t even know what to say. Besides, I knew that’s what she wanted. It was a trick. If she remained quiet, I’d want to talk more - mainly so it wouldn't be quiet, but she’d also get more information out of me this way.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, she leaned back in her chair and cleared her voice.
“Of course you don’t. You’re so full of these emotions, and you don’t know how to handle them properly,” she said. “And they build up until you explode, like you did on the wall earlier.”
I shrugged.
“What? You don’t agree with me?” she asked.
“I don’t know what to think,” I said.
She studied me for even longer, letting the silence wash over the both of us.
“Let me ask you a question, Jax. When was the last time you felt an emotion other than anger? When were you happy?”
I thought back, and at first, my mind came up blank. Then I remembered her face, and a smile spread across my lips. The smile was temporary, however, as I also remembered how I’d never see her again.
“What is it?” she asked. “Clearly, you’ve felt a range of emotions within a span of seconds. What made you feel that way?”
“Someone I met a few weeks ago,” I said. “But they’re not in my life anymore.”
“Tell me about them,” she said. “What made you smile when you thought about them?”
“Well, she was a gorgeous woman. One of the most beautiful women I’d ever seen,” I said.
“There’s obviously more to it than her beauty,” she said. “You felt something for her, didn’t you?”
“I did,” I said. “Briefly, of course. We both knew it was a temporary thing - just a hookup. It ended after only two days together.”
“Yet, weeks later, she still makes you smile,” Carla said, her own lips pulling back into a grin. “Maybe you should reconsider making it a temporary thing.”
“Nah, I’m not ready for a relationship. You see how messed up, I am.”
“Part of what makes you so messed up, Jax, is that you continually deny yourself a chance at happiness. You look for reasons to be miserable, and I don’t doubt you ended things with her simply because she made you happy.”
“I wasn’t the one who ended things,” I said dryly. “She was.”
“Oh,” Carla said. “Did she tell you why she wanted to end things?”
“Like I said, we both agreed it would be casual, nothing more. She just disappeared one day, and I let her be.”
Carla was doing her best to get more information from me, that much was clear. She was putting a lot of importance on it, when it was such a small little blip in my life.
I continued, “Two days. Only two days together. It wasn’t like we were in love or anything.”
“But do you think you could love her, if she let you?”
The question caught me off-guard. My answer, even more so.
“Yes,” I said. “But what does that have to do with anything?”
She smiled back at me. “It’s a good sign that you’re still open to love, Jax. While things with this woman didn’t work out, you shouldn’t be so quick to rule our relationships for yourself. You deserve happiness and love just as much as anyone else.”
I rolled my eyes, whil
e also trying not to let Carla see me rolling my eyes. Therapist jibber jabber, that’s all it was. I deserved happiness and love? Why’s that? What did I do to deserve it? Simply by being alive. I hated that bullshit philosophy, and for the most part, Carla was free from it. I’d have to give her a pass this one time.
She looked at her watch. “I’m sorry, our time is up for today, but do you think you’ll be okay going back into work tomorrow, even if it is on a provisional basis?”
“Of course I am,” I scoffed. “I’ve been ready for weeks. Just been waiting for you to give me the go-ahead.”
“Alright. I’m going to trust you on that, Jax,” she said. “But we’re not done here either.”
No, of course not, I thought. Because nothing could be that easy.
When I left Carla’s office, I checked my phone and found a message from Finn. A link to an article, and just the words, “Hey, isn’t this your girl?”
I clicked on the link, and the headline made my knees go weak.
Is Madeline Byers Pregnant?
As soon as I got over the initial shock, I told myself that it was a tabloid, you can’t believe everything they say. A celeb puts on a little weight and suddenly they’re carrying twins. No way, it was just a rumor. It had to be.
I kept reading, however.
Madeline Byers, daughter of CEO Greg Byers, is rumored to be expecting. Sources say that her assistant was sent out in the early morning hours to pick up several pregnancy tests. We can only speculate who they might be for, but our source said there is plenty of reason to believe Byers could be with child.
Byers is engaged to Derek Savage, who’s in line to take over Byers’ Development once Greg Byers retires. Last month, we broke the news of Savage’s philandering while on a business trip to Asia, and our sources say it’s not the first time he’s stepped out on Byers, and the couple are rarely seen in public together.
Which leaves us to question: If she’s pregnant, is the baby even his? Or is it possible he’s not the only one to sleep around in this relationship. Tell us what you think in the comments below!
Pure and utter garbage, I told myself. The website was Haute New York, a name that was all too familiar to me after my run-in with the photographer. Still, there was the question in the back of my mind: Could she be pregnant? We had not used protection, which was my mistake. It had been so long since I’d hooked up with anyone, it hadn’t even occurred to me. I just assumed she was on birth control.
But I reminded myself that just because it’s online, didn’t mean it was true. In fact, there was a good chance it was just clickbait. Unnamed sources. No substantial proof. Nothing but the mere suggestion that she could be pregnant. Not enough for me to get worked up over.
I clicked out of the article and responded to Finn just as my train arrived.
“Yeah, that’s her. But don’t believe everything you read. That site is trash.”
He sent back a laughing emoji.
“Sorry man, just fucking with you,” he texted back.
Even Finn thought it was a joke, I’d told myself. I hopped on the train, pushing my way through the hordes of people, and crammed myself tightly into the first empty spot I found. The aroma of sweat and piss filled my nostrils. I really needed to get a car one of these days.
I was leaving the city, heading home, but there was a strong pull to hop off the train and head over to Maddy’s apartment. I knew where she lived, I could track her down and ask her for the truth myself. But every time I had the urge, I reminded myself that if she’d wanted to see or hear from me, she would have reached out.
And Haute New York really was a garbage magazine. No reason to take it seriously. That should have been enough to ease my mind, but it wasn’t.
Madeline
I stared at the headline, my hands trembling as I tried to keep ahold of my phone. Julia was on her way over, she had no idea what I was about to talk to her about. She had no clue. I’d trusted her with this, and she’d betrayed me. She went straight to the trashiest gossip magazine in the city and told them my deepest, darkest secrets. Sure, it was still speculation at this point, but the facts were there. They already knew everything that happened. But how?
As much as it pained me to think it, there was really only one way anyone would have gotten the information.
Sitting in front of me on the table was the severance package I would offer Julia. If she walked away from the job and signed the non-disclosure agreements, I’d buy her silence. She didn’t deserve to be paid, not after what she’d done, but it broke my heart to imagine cutting her off completely as she’d been only one of a select handful of friends. Even after she betrayed me and sold me out, I still felt like I owed her some consideration.
I also owed her the opportunity to defend herself, though I wasn’t sure there was anything she could say that would save her job - or our friendship.
She knocked on the door, and I answered, trying to keep my face blank of any and all emotion. With my voice as calm as possible, I asked her to sit down at the table.
Obviously, I hadn’t done the best job of hiding all my emotions, or maybe she had a guilty conscience, because Julia started talking before she even entered the apartment.
“Madeline, I swear, it wasn’t me,” she said.
I stood tall and firm, my chin held up defiantly. “Oh? Who else would have all these details then?”
“I--I don’t know,” she said. Her voice was low and uncertain, and she averted her gaze. She was hiding something from me.
“There is no other explanation for this,” I said. “No one else knew. Only you.”
“I know that, but I swear, I didn’t tell anyone,” she said. Her eyes filled with tears. “Madeline, you’re my friend, I’d never do anything to hurt you.”
“Best friends don’t go running to the press to blab about each other’s personal lives,” I said.
Julia’s voice cracked, and she choked up. Her cheeks were wet with tears, and either she was a damn good actress, or she was really and truly hurting right then. I had to believe she was a good actress. After all, she’d had me fooled for years.
“I’ve worked with you for how long?” she asked me. “And never once has anything been leaked, until now. Why would I suddenly betray you like this, after all this time?”
“That’s what I’d like to know,” I said.
“Madeline, trust me,” she said. “It wasn’t me.”
God, I wanted to believe her, I really did. My insides were raw, and it literally felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I’d always considered Allison my best friend, but she’d been out there, living her own life for so long, that Julia had kind of taken her place.
And now I’d lost her too.
“I’m prepared to offer you a generous severance package,” I said, speaking slowly.
Julia sobbed, “Please, Madeline, don’t do this.”
I continued, closing my eyes to not see the tear stained cheeks of one of my best friends.
“In exchange for your signature on a non-disclosure agreement, and your immediate resignation, I will give you three month’s salary for you to get back on your feet. And I won’t take you to court to sue you for breach of your former NDA with me.”
“Madeline, no, please,” she said.
My eyes popped open, and they were stinging with tears of my own. I managed to hold them back, but just barely.
“Have a lawyer look everything over, Julia, and let me know if you’re willing to comply. You have one week, or else I will assume you’d rather handle this in court, which I’m more than willing to do.”
Julia wiped at her eyes, mascara ran down her cheeks. She nodded, not even looking at me. Taking a deep breath, she reached for the paperwork. There was no more fight left in her. Either she knew I wasn’t going to fall for her theatrics, or she knew she wouldn’t win with me. And she was right.
I was my father’s daughter after all. Sometimes that was a good thing. Other times, not s
o much. I wasn’t sure if it was a good time to be like him or not, but I was proud of myself for holding it together.
At least until she left the apartment. Once the door closed behind her, I leaned against the door and slid down to the ground. Hugging my knees to my chest, I let it all out. Everything came out all at once.
The end of my relationship with Derek. Having such an amazing time - and having to end things with Jax. And now this. It was like I had no one.
Except I still had Allison. She was in Australia still, for only another week. But soon, she’d be home, at least for a bit. I checked the time in Australia, feeling the urge to call her, but that urge passed. I didn’t want to bother her. She had a lot of work to do. Either she was working or sleeping these days, and we hadn’t had a chance to talk since I found out I was pregnant. I still had to break the news to her.
I decided that it would have to wait. Maybe for when she got back into town. Yes, better to tell her in person that she was going to be a Godmother and that she needed to start planning a baby shower. There was a hint of happiness there, at the thought of how excited she would be. At least I hoped she’d be excited for me. We had never talked about having kids or anything like that. For being my best friend, we were pretty distant those days.
And if the mess with Julia taught me anything, it’s that you never fully know someone until you need them the most. I had faith that Allison would come through for me, though.
I had to.
ooo000ooo
“Madeline, we need to talk,” Derek’s voice sent a shiver down my spine.
I had just gotten into work the next morning, opened my office door, and there he was. He was sitting at my desk, as if he owned the place. It was the last thing I needed. I’d been up all night either crying over my lost friendship or throwing up everything I’d eaten that day. Whoever had named it ‘morning sickness’ had been a damn liar. I wasn’t in the mood for Derek’s antics.
“Get out of my seat,” I said. “You have a desk of your own, you know. This is mine.”
Playing With Fire: Firemen of Manhattan Series Page 10
