So I wasn’t the only one who kept things to myself. “You didn’t tell me that.”
“No,” he held my gaze when he spoke, “I didn’t.”
I looked away. “Molly used to play volleyball, but they basically made her be the ball-girl. She never got to play. Just handle the equipment. She’ll see some kind of karmic thing in this, I bet.”
“Your roommate is weird.” He took a last sip of his coffee. “But then again, she’s dating R.J. so that’s a given.”
“She’s taking me in over spring break.” Had I already told him that?
“Next year you’ll come to me. Every vacation.”
That was right. They were going to graduate and I was going to be here, if I was lucky. The school might kick me out for failure. “That’s assuming I don’t get hit with poison darts visiting my parents in India this summer.”
That was a possibility. The people my parents were trying to make contact with had been known to spit poison darts at unwanted visitors. It would be just my luck to get struck with one.
Chance spit out his coffee.
The aftermath of fire had a smell. It depended, I decided, on what had burned which might be a little obvious but it was funny how these things were coming to me in small doses, as though I was incapable of understanding it all at once.
Like my math class.
This time the air smelled sour. That couldn’t be good. What had burned that reeked like that?
I stared up at the sky. The morning sun had come out and there was no snow on the ground. I hadn’t been able to sleep a wink the whole night. I knew why that was. It was my first night without one of the guys with me.
Chance had dropped me off with a heated kiss, promising to call if he could pull his head out of the pledge’s shit long enough to look up. I guessed he hadn’t gotten to do that.
I hadn’t heard from Maven or Banyan at all. Two girls ran past me into the dorm. They were wearing all white. I blinked. That was right. I saw this every year. When the girls earned their letters, to steal the phrase, they wore all white to the ceremony. Or at least some of them did. Enough that I noticed it every year.
The guys weren’t nearly done. Not until after spring break. Why did the girls get to go earlier? I shook my head. These were not questions I was going to get answers to, maybe ever.
I needed a run. There was no ice on the ground. The weather, for early March, had turned a balmy fifty degrees outside. It was the perfect time for a jog. Or at least it would have to be because that was what I was going to do.
I was going to beat this, whatever it was that was making me so dreary, so worried all the time, even if that meant in some way I had to win against myself.
I ran. Hard.
Eventually, I had to stop, and when I’d circled the campus three times I found that I’d run out of steam in front of the student union. That was perfect. I’d grab some coffee. Probably not the smartest thing to hydrate with, but it was what I wanted, nonetheless.
“That’s her. She’s sleeping with all three of them.”
The person talking didn’t even try to hide what they were saying. They were clearly indicating me. I turned around to stare at them. It had to be the adrenaline or endorphins or whatever from the run but I just felt like glaring at them straight on.
Five girls wearing sorority letters leaned against the student union. One of them was smoking a cigarette so presumably they were all waiting on her. Or maybe they’d finished smoking. It didn’t matter. They were all solely giving me the death eye right then.
“Well,” the tallest of them spoke. “That’s good and fine. She’s clearly not important to them.”
I stormed over. I dripped with sweat, and I didn’t even care. “Hello, ladies. You’re talking about me so I thought I’d introduce myself. I’m Giovanna Amsel.” Not one of them seemed inclined to answer me so I kept going. “Is there something you want to ask me about my relationship with Maven, Chance, and Banyan?”
The darkest haired of the group of five smiled slowly. “Oh, we know who you are. The whole campus has been talking about you. The little study-bug who suddenly decided to have sex with frat brothers. You took up with three of them, for a little while.”
I’d had enough. “Why is it such a big deal to any of you what I do and who I do it with? We don’t know each other. Do you have so little going on in your own life that you can’t help talk about a person you’ve never even met?”
The tallest again. “See, you stepped into our territory and that’s okay. People like you, like your roommate, sometimes you do. But they always come back to us. We have something in common. We decided to care about life on this campus, to make sure people had what they needed. And to create a social life the rest of you get to step into whenever you feel like it. We pay for it. But I guess people like you can’t do that so you pretend you didn’t want to, that you wouldn’t have preferred to spend four years being me. Instead of being you.”
Her words burned. Not because I’d ever really felt like I missed out by not being Greek but because of the other implications of she’d said. Yes, I wanted to be like her. I wanted to have the money to just do what I wanted because I wanted to do that. But not because I was suddenly materialistic or shallow. I liked my job. In fact, I’d come to love Kay and Connie in such a short amount of time it was ridiculous.
No, I wanted what they had because that would make life so damned simple. I wouldn’t have to inflict myself on Molly for spring break or worry about where I could live during that time. This was a private school. I’d charge a room at some hotel and not worry about it. Or jet off to the Caribbean. Or ski. Or… I couldn’t even think of the other things I’d do. But I’d do them.
I’d taken too long to answer. I had to say something. “I guess you must not be what they want if they all came to me, now are you?”
It was a stupid thing to say. I knew it when I uttered it. Why sink to that level? Why hadn’t I been born knowing the perfect retort to make everyone around me feel as small as they made me feel? Why were tears threatening to spill? Why. Why. Why.
“Well, maybe they were. But they’re not now.” She smiled at me, broadly. “I mean if it was any kind of real thing to them why would they be asking out dates to go to their formal? You’re just another toy the boys played with when they were bored. They always come back to what matters, to people more their speed and style.” She looked me up and down. In her lettered sweatshirt she was hardly going to walk a runway but it was worlds better than what I had on. “I’m going with Maven.” She nodded toward the dark brunette. “She’s going with Banyan. And my roommate, Sylvie, is going with Chance. That’s always how it ends up. The best frat with the best sorority.” She stepped forward. “When I have Maven’s pants off, like I did last year, I’ll be sure to make sure he never thinks of you again.”
I wanted to believe she was lying. Her words dinged around in my head. I stood still while they walked away. Only, I knew she wasn’t. It would be too easy to check. Hey, Maven, are you going with a bitch to your formal? I hated that word, but it applied. I shook my head. They were taking dates to their formal?
I leaned against the brick. Not one of them had asked me.
There were a million reasons why this could be and none of it particularly mattered. We were just friends. That had always been the plan. They couldn’t sleep with someone else and still sleep with me. That had been enough of exclusivity. As it was, not one of them had slept with me the night before.
I’d hardly questioned it even as I missed them. Chance said they were busy. They had pledging stuff to do. They had to make the pledges ready to be brothers. Whatever that meant.
I banged my head on the back of the brick to feel the bite of pain. It traveled through my body. Why was this bothering me? I didn’t want to go to the dance. So what was the problem?
I didn’t want coffee anymore. Instead, I started running again, this time straight to my room. By the time I got there, I was nauseated. I
nstead of my room I made it to the bathroom before I puked. When that finally stopped, I put water on my face.
Who was I kidding with all of this? I wasn’t cut out for this nonsense. Just friends? I was sleeping with all of them. They’d all acted like I mattered to them, and I’d certainly gone out of my way to show them I felt the same. So they were just taking other people to their formal? In Maven’s case, he’d slept with the girl last year?
Not one of them had told me.
This was so typical. Everyone who loved me ended up doing this. I was always an afterthought. And why had I thought this would be at all different? We’d agreed it would end when they or I moved on. Well, they’d clearly just done that, publicly, leaving me to find out at the student union.
Tears I shouldn’t be shedding flowed down my face. Like a zombie, I walked to my room, grabbed my shower stuff, went back to the bathroom, and let the hot water wipe away the sweat from my body, but it didn’t make my mind stop.
Why had I designed my life around them since we got back to school? Why had I let this happen at all? Things were better when I was on routine. They made sense when I understood what to expect of my existence.
Failing math was a symptom not the problem.
The problem was I’d let myself forget what I should have remembered. Now wasn’t the time for me to have what I wanted yet. There would be happiness when I could just be on my own, support myself, and not have to rely on anyone for anything. Then I could define my own version of happy.
My heart was racing. Why was it doing that? I didn’t understand. I just knew this needed to be finished before I could move on. They were taking other girls? So I was good enough to fuck but not good enough to take to a dance? Well, of course that was how I wanted it. Oh, who was I kidding? This was my own fault. I always screwed everything up.
I’d done this. I had to undo it. I had to let whatever this strange period of my life was end and get back to reality.
Chapter 9
I arrived at the SPiI house with my hair fully wet. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d left the house without at least a towel drying my locks. The nice day had turned cold, or maybe it was just my mood. Wearing my jeans, my black turtleneck, and my comfortable boots, I’d finished off my thrown together outfit by shoving on my black peacoat.
With my hands in my pockets I didn’t need gloves. Besides, I didn’t plan on staying long. I’d even considered sending a text, but it seemed I was doing nothing right lately, and I didn’t want to keep piling on the wrongs. Some conversations should be had face-to-face. Even if they’d not done the same in telling me about their dates.
Some part of me still held onto the ridiculous idea that somehow it was a giant misunderstanding. That they weren’t taking those girls. And they’d laugh at me. Or Maven would roll his eyes. Banyan would lose interest in the subject after calling them all ridiculous. Chance would be too busy to be there.
But that wasn’t going to be what happened. I knew it and that was why I was okay being a little bit cold. Maybe it would make me numb to this.
Outside of the house two guys argued with a campus security officer. “I don’t know anything about any drinking here, officer.”
I recognized them as pledges who had briefly passed by me in the night I’d spent here during Christmas break. They’d gone off to help in a homeless shelter. They both had dark circles under their eyes and the campus safety officer tapped his foot, rapidly, while he yelled at them.
“I know there is drinking going on in there.” The safety officer pointed at the house
I sighed. What was the point of this? If he knew there was drinking going on in the house than why not go investigate the drinking? Why bother these two guys? I’d never really understand the dynamic of campus safety with the students here. The idea was safety, that I understood. But things were burning. Yelling at pledges?
“Why do you want to be part of this anyway?” The officer was yelling again. The college employed him. Was he just stressed over the burnings and taking it out on those two?
“I haven’t been here all day.” One pledge looked at the other with pleading in his eyes but the other guy clearly had no better answers about what to do.
They were both going to be in so much trouble if they got in an incident with campus safety after the flagpole and underwear incident. I put away my pain for a minute and walked toward them. Chance cared about these guys. He devoted a ton of time to making them men worthy to be their frat brothers.
I wasn’t going to see Chance anymore. Tears at that thought threatened and I pushed them away. I could do this for him.
“Officer.” I smiled at him. “Sorry. They were helping me this morning. They couldn’t know anything about drinking or anything. We had to study math. I’m failing.”
I hadn’t really thought of what I was going to say ahead of time, but it didn’t surprise me that the second I opened my mouth I started talking about failing math. I might be discussing this for the rest of my life when I was living in a box on the street.
Homeless because college math was beyond my limited cognitive abilities. My parents could return from their attempts to get an otherwise undisturbed by modern society peoples to communicate for the first time and not be at all surprised that the daughter they left behind was now thrown out of college, penniless, with a terrible credit rating, living on the street
The safety officer looked between all of us. “You’re saying they were with you?”
“That’s right,” the blond guy answered. “Giovanna was with us.”
They knew my name? Maybe they remembered it from when I was there the last time. In any case, it worked for the story I was creating. “So anything going on there has nothing to do with them.”
The officer groaned. “You Greeks and how you all stick together. You’ll burn down this campus with your attitudes alone.”
That was so offensive I didn’t even know where to begin to deal with it. If I’d actually been a member of a sorority, it would be even worse. As it was, I hoped never to be on this row of campus again. Not to mention the referencing of the actual burning going on.
I took a deep breath. “Sir, I realize you are just doing your job. And that you probably do it very well. It must be a stressful year for you. I mean, back to work and suddenly everything is on fire.”
Next to me I heard the brunette pledge swallow in a way that sounded like a gulp.
“It has been rough.”
I nodded. “I realize you aren’t responsible for the law that was passed in 1984 that moved the drinking age from eighteen to twenty-one.” That random fact I could remember. I could barely add but I could pull useless knowledge from the air anytime I needed to.
He laughed. “No I didn’t do that either.”
“I didn’t think so.” There, I’d distracted him with random facts. People seemed to think it was either cute or cool that I could do that. “Thanks.”
He nodded like he’d just performed a service before leaving us on the steps. Blond pledge whirled around. “You just saved our asses. Brother Maven told us it was our job to keep safety outside. And if we failed, it was our asses, and we’d never get letters.”
I doubted very much after all of this that Maven would deny them brotherhood. I blinked. What did I know? I didn’t even know Maven. After all of this, he was like a stranger to me. He might very well tell this guy that after all his hard work he couldn’t be a brother. It was a terrible feeling to suddenly realize that a friend—in this case lover—was really a total stranger.
“I have to go see Maven.” I moved to continue toward the front door but brown haired pledge grabbed my arm, stopping me. I jolted. It was unusual for people I didn’t know to touch me. It dawned on me all of a sudden why he had. “I’m not going in there, am I?”
Both pledges shook their heads slowly. This was their hell week, or whatever they called it. The week leading up to spring break when they all vanished and came home brothers. They’d
vanished on me. I wasn’t going to get to just talk to them.
“Is it possible, do you think, to speak to him? Or Banyan? Or Chance?”
The lighter colored one shook his head. “We know you’re… special to them. But I doubt it. I can’t get to them so I can’t even check. They’re… um… behind closed doors.”
I pulled out my phone and sent a text to all three of them.
I’m outside. Any chance I could see you? I know the timing sucks. I just need to have the kind of conversation that is better in person.
A second later Banyan responded. Hey. Be right out.
That would have been adorable yesterday. I would have heard his voice say the hey. As it was, I sighed, trying to steel my shoulders.
The phone dinged again. It was Maven. Two seconds.
Chance sent a frown face. I’m not anywhere nearby.
The pledges I’d helped were texting on their phones, but scattered out of the way when Banyan came outside. He didn’t look at them but at the same time he noticeably didn’t look at them. It had to be part of whatever this was.
Maven came out right behind him. “Hey,” he called out to me, catching up to Banyan.
I hadn’t prepared myself for the idea that either of them would try to touch me but Banyan moved in for a hug. I stepped back, and he abruptly stopped.
“What’s wrong? Sick? Fleas?” He laughed like he’d made a joke.
Maven narrowed his eyes. “No, she’s upset.”
“Yes.” Banyan nodded. “I noticed the second I came outside. This is called trying to make her laugh. If I can make her laugh then it’s not a terrible upset. Obviously, I can’t. Hence the not even smiling right now.”
This was hard. They were right there. Two of my three guys. And therein lay the problem. I’d come to think of them as my guys. But that wasn’t what they were, was it? They’d never been that. I’d just imagined the rights I had to them.
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