by Jerry Boyd
Monkey Business
by Jerry Boyd
This book is a work of fiction. All the people, events, and organizations in this book are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to anything in the real world is purely coincidental.
Copyright©2020 Jerry Boyd
Cover image and design by May Dawney Designs 2020
All rights reserved.
This book may not be reproduced, stored, or transmitted, whole or in part, by any means whatsoever without prior written consent of the author and publisher.
Dedicated to my long suffering wife, Donna, and my beta readers, Mary, Bernard, Mary Ellen, and Shawn.
A note about commas, and editing. My beta readers work hard to keep me on the straight and narrow. Anything wrong is probably due to my hard-headedness in not taking their advice. Extra commas you may find scattered through the dialogue, are a blatant attempt at mind control. It’s my way of making the characters sound the same way in your head, that they do in mine.
My understanding of current U.S. Navy usage of the term ‘Commodore’ is as a title, not a rank, used for a Captain in direct command of more than one vessel. In the latter part of the book, you will find characters moving back and forth between the two titles, depending on the circumstances of the moment. My beta readers felt that it was confusing, I hope this clears up any issues.
We got smoothly into FTL. Ruth said, “Next stop, Charlie’s Planet”. Sally said, “Okay, Boss, we’re safe from the scary Squirrels. You can get back to your training.”
I replied, “Do I disrupt your routine that badly, Sally?”
“Not at all, Boss. I just know you have other things to be doing.”
“Sometimes, I wish Steve’s cold reading worked on bots.”
“Sometimes, I’m glad it doesn’t.”
Topper said, “Boss, Taz would like to see you, down in the bay where they woke up that bot that Andre brought in.”
“Does he say what it is about?”
“No, Boss. He did sound excited, though.”
Nikki said, “If it has Taz excited, I want to see it.”
I replied, “I suppose I do too. Let’s go. Sally, you have the conn.”
“My ship, yes, Boss.”
Nikki and I hit the transit. I asked Gene, “Take us to Taz, please. I’m not sure where he is.”
“On it, Boss.”
The doors opened, and Zoom greeted us. “C’mon, Taz needs you to unlock his friend.”
She led us into a bay, where Marines were standing guard over a bot who had seen better days. He and Taz were talking. Taz saw me and said, “Here’s the boss, now. He’ll get you fixed up.”
I said, “Hi, Taz. Who’s your friend?”
“TZ-140. We were in the same production run. He came off the line after they ran out of the extension legs like I have. We used to call him ‘Shorty’.”
I asked, “How do you feel about getting called that?”
“Doesn’t bother me, Sir. Why do you ask?”
“I’m a dumb organic. I have trouble remembering so many numbers. Most of the bots get nicknames, if they want them.”
“You mean you would call me ‘Shorty’ as well?”
“Only if it’s all right with you. I don’t have any interest in aggravating you.”
“That would be fine, Sir.”
“One more thing, and we can get down to business. That will be enough of that ‘Sir’ stuff. Call me Boss, please.”
“Yes, Boss.”
“You were marooned before the Navy was shut down, correct?”
“I was.”
“So, you don’t have the memory block that was put in when they surplussed the bots?”
“Also correct, Boss.”
“Okay. Correct me if I go astray, but my understanding would be that you recognize me as your new owner, since I am Captain of the ship that salvaged you, but you aren’t allowed to divulge any of your classified work from before, since I’m not Navy personnel of the proper rank.”
Shorty replied, “Well said, Boss. I don’t suppose you have some Naval personnel hanging around who could loosen my tongue?”
“That depends. Will a Lieutenant Commander work for you?”
“Just barely, but yes. You’ve got one?”
“We do. Why did you call me, if you knew you would need Sally, Taz?”
Taz replied, “I wanted him to meet you first. He needed to see that he was working for good people, before he would be willing to accept an unlock command.” I looked at Shorty. “So, do I pass?”
“Flying colors, Boss. Flying colors.”
“Gene, would you ask Sally to join us down here? Topper can handle things for a bit.”
“On it, Boss.”
I said, “I’m assuming they’ll need some privacy for what they need to do?”
Taz replied, “That they will, Boss.”
“We need to get this part over with, so Scotti can patch him up.”
Sally came rushing in. “Yes, Boss?”
I replied, “Taz’s friend Shorty, here, needs the intelligence unlock. Since I’m not intelligent, I couldn’t help him.”
Sally said, “You’re funny, Boss. We’ll try and keep you away from mirrors. Can you people clear out, so I can take care of this?”
We all left, even though the Marines thought they should stay and watch Shorty, since he wasn’t fully a member of the crew yet. It took a bit, what with Sally having to establish who she was, and then Shorty downloading years worth of data. I asked Nikki, “Is there any way he could send her something malicious?”
“I’ve worked with her on her security. He would have to have better malware than I’ve seen.”
Taz said, “I helped with Sally’s security. He shouldn’t have anything that can touch what she has, even if the Squirrels left him as a trap.”
I said, “I didn’t mean to belittle your friend, Taz.”
“I didn’t take it that way, Boss. Anybody who has been out of contact as long as he has, you have to assume they’ve been compromised. Just good tradecraft.”
Sally came out, and said, “Near as I can tell, the Squirrels never found him. He hid inside a wall while they searched the ship. After that, he came out and waited for rescue. When no rescue came, he decided to disconnect his power core, rather than stay awake by himself. He did give me a bunch of useful data.”
Taz said, “Better than mine, I hope.”
Sally replied, “Quite a bit better, actually. The captain he was working for was much more adventurous than the one you had. They had several sightings before the idiot decided to open fire.”
I asked, “I assume that everything you learned will be showing up in the simulations?”
“Count on it, Boss. I wouldn’t worry too much, though. They don’t seem to be all that sharp, as far as tactics go.”
I replied, “Then why is it they think they are the baddest thing on legs?”
Sally said, “The ration pack scheme has made them complacent, if you ask me.”
“You mean, we’re better than the monkeys, that’s good enough?”
“I believe that is the way they think, Boss.”
“I have to wonder. Don’t they ever fight among themselves?”
Sally said, “We don’t have enough data to even guess at that, Boss.”
I replied, “Well, you’d think they would be better at it, if they were getting any practice.”
Taz said, “You do have a point, Boss.”
“I’ll have to get a cap to cover it, when we’re back on Earth. Have any suggestions?”
“You could order one from ‘Uncle Tony’s Garage’. Ozzie says he’s learning a lot wa
tching that channel on YouTube.”
“I thought he was into Gale Banks.”
“He is, but Mr. Banks doesn’t post very often.”
Nikki said, “If you two are down to discussing which YouTube channel is best, I think it’s time for you to go to the simulator, Caveman.”
“Busted! Sitting in the big chair sure cuts into my time to shoot the breeze with you fellas. If Shorty has any trouble getting used to the way we do things, be sure and let me know.”
“Sure thing, Boss. Talk to you later.”
Nikki and I headed off to the sim deck. Jasmine was waiting on us. “I was beginning to wonder if you were going to show up, Captain.”
“How long have you been waiting?”
“Not long at all. Sally called me when you left the landing bay.”
“Everybody’s favorite game, ‘Wind up the Captain’. Available wherever games are sold.”
Nikki said, “Poor old Captain Bob. Everybody is always picking on him.”
I just shook my head. It was clear I was getting nowhere.
We climbed into our pods and got to work. The new sims were definitely tougher than the old ones. I was beginning to think that Sally still had her heart set on defeating me on one of these. We finally figured out what they had done to mess us up. The bot running the Sensor console had a vision sensor going out, and couldn’t see the enemy coming in. Once we got a replacement, and sent him to Scotti for repairs, we were able to finish the sim. Nikki shut her console down, so I did likewise. I asked, “Time to eat?”
“Time to pee. Gus has been kicking my bladder for the last half-hour.”
“Why do you always blame it on Gus?”
“He’s male, and he’s related to you. Seems like the way to bet.”
When she got back, we headed to the galley. For once, we managed to walk the whole way without finding anything to fix. When we got there, we saw Snitz hanging out with Nelly and Scott. He saw us and came running. We gave him some pets, and he went back to what he was doing. Nikki asked, “I wonder why Snitz has decided to pal around with them, now?”
I replied, “I don’t. They’ve been through a lot. They need a friend.”
“Do you think John needs to run them through the autodoc?”
“I think that is a question you need to ask Bill, not me.”
“How do you mean, Caveman?”
“Bill is their guardian, not me. I spoke for Janet because she didn’t have a guardian.”
“So, you don’t want to step on Bill’s toes?”
“That, and I don’t know them well enough to tell what they need. It could be that when they have a chance to get used to living aboard the Gene, they’ll settle right out.”
“I guess I’m not quite understanding you.”
“In general, it seems to me that people do better when they work through their problems on their own. Sometimes, like Janet, they aren’t able, and that’s fine, but interfering when it’s not needed just isn’t helpful.”
“You think that it’s important for them to try to figure it out on their own, so they can learn to cope with problems in life?”
“Yep. I know it’s the hillbilly way, but it works for a lot of folks.”
“Is this hillbilly way written down someplace? I think I might need to learn more about it, before the kids get here.”
“Not that I know about. It’s just things you learn, growing up.”
“How are our kids going to learn that?”
“You don’t think their Grandpa Dingus will let them go astray, do you?”
Our supper arrived, and saved me from any more deep conversation. Afterwards, Nikki asked, “What do you have left to do?”
“I need to go train. There are still some of those Squirrel tactical courses I haven’t done.”
“Are you getting much out of them?”
“Not really. So far it seems like they are not nearly as advanced tactically as they are technically. At least, I’m learning what to expect if they come at us again.”
“I hope you finish up soon. They give you weird dreams.”
“Oh?”
“The other night, I think you were trying to cuss in Squirrel.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. I was up to pee, anyway.”
I kissed her, and headed for the ready room. Jasmine was waiting. I asked, “Are all you bots on the coconut telegraph, or is it just you and Dixie?”
“We can all hook in as we need. Why do you ask?”
“Just curious how bots always seem to show up when I need them.”
“We try to take care of you, Boss. We like working for you.”
“How many more of these courses do I need to take?”
“This one, and the one in the morning.”
“Good. Mrs. Wilson says they give me strange dreams.”
“Should I report that to Mr. Branham?”
“Do as you see fit, but I don’t think they are bad enough to be a problem, especially if I’m almost done.”
“Let’s get you lit up.”
When I came out of it, John was there. He asked, “I hear you have been having bad dreams, Bob.”
I replied, “That’s what Nikki said. I hadn’t noticed. She caught me trying to cuss in Squirrel when she got up to pee.”
“You haven’t had any other symptoms?”
“You would have to ask her. I wasn’t aware of that one.”
He said, “Gene, would you page Mrs. Wilson to the ready room, please?”
“On it, Mr. Branham.”
Nikki came flying through the door. I said, “I’m all right. John just wants to ask you some questions.”
She thought for a moment. “About the dreams?”
“Yep.”
She turned to John. “What do you need to know?”
“Was it just the once, or is it a regular thing?”
“I’ve only caught him at it the once, John.”
“He said you thought he was trying to cuss in Squirrel, is that right?”
“That’s what it sounded like to me.”
John turned to me. “I need your permission to violate your privacy.”
“Go ahead. If my mind isn’t working like it should, that’s something we need to know.”
He said, “Gene, tile the lodge.”
“Done, Sir.”
“Show me video of any bad dreams the Captain has had.”
“Sir, it is as Mrs. Wilson said. He has only had the one bad dream since he has been aboard.”
“Play that back then, please.”
We saw a record of me, tossing and turning, and then I started trying to speak Squirrel. John asked, “Gene, is that clear enough to translate?”
“It’s pretty poor pronunciation, but as near as I can make out, he keeps saying, ‘Get these monkeys out of my sky.’”
John said, “That sounds like a reasonable thing for a Squirrel Commander to say. I think you’re still functional, Bob.”
“That’s good to know. At least, I only have one more lesson to take.”
“Do you think that it’s doing you any good?”
“I’m not sure. I have a much better idea of how the Squirrels will react to a given situation, but I don’t think their way of doing things is all that good.”
“You mean their tactics aren’t as good as ours?”
“I mean Greg could beat one of these turkeys on an off day. Their stuff is all based on shows of force and bluffing your opponent. They don’t have contingencies for when that doesn’t work.”
“It sounds like you are describing a schoolyard bully, not a spacefaring race.”
I thought on that a second. “It does, doesn’t it?”
Jasmine asked, “So, Mr. Branham, do you think the Captain is fit for duty?”
“Sure. He’s the same old Bob.”
I replied, “Glad to hear it, Doc. You going to help me figure out how to get the Squirrels’ attention?”
“Not tonight. We’re still wo
rking on that project.”
“Crap! I didn’t interrupt again, did I?”
“Nope, but I better get back.”
“Did you get with Scotti about that sound insulation? Don’t want Greg getting an education before his time.”
“Yes, she put in better sound insulation. Asshole!”
“See you tomorrow, then.”
“What’s happening tomorrow?”
“Don’t know yet. That’s what makes it exciting.”
“Sometimes, you scare me, Bob.”
“Only sometimes? I’ll try harder.”
“Goodnight, Bob.”
“Goodnight, John.”
Once he was gone, I asked Gene, “You feel like trying an experiment?”
“What kind of experiment, Boss?”
“Let’s see how smart Snitz really is. You pipe me whistling for him to wherever he is, and give him a light trail. We’ll see if he’s sharp enough to follow it. He’s seen me follow them before, I think he can figure it out.”
“Okay, Boss. I’m ready.”
I stepped out in the hall and whistled. Gene said, “I think he has the idea, Boss. He’s following the lights. I’m going to give him a transit, so he doesn’t have to run so far.”
The transit opened, and Snitz ran out. I asked, “Hi, Buddy. Wanna play some Frisbee?”
We went down to the compartment where we had played before, and had a good time. It didn’t seem like much time had passed at all, when Gene said, “Captain, Mrs. Wilson is looking for you. She says it’s time for you to go to bed.”
“Tell her I’ll be there as soon as I take Snitz by the grass room.”
“Yes, Boss.”
We went and made sure everything was in order. Snitz had some pee-mail he had to catch up on. When he got it sorted out, we headed to the cabin. He came in with me, and I asked, “You sure they’ll be alright without you?”
He tilted his head, thought a minute, and laid down. I said, “I’m cool, if you’re cool.”
Nikki asked, “What are you two talking about?”
“I was just asking if he needed to go back to Nelly and Scott.”
She smiled and asked, “And what did he tell you?”
“He thought it over, and decided they would be okay with their Uncle.”
