by Tijan
She’s right, but the worrier in me can’t help myself. I’ve spent what feels like my entire life making decisions around Stephanie. I don’t take any chances when it comes to her.
“I’m just going to check,” I explain as I grab my phone from my bra.
Danielle laughs. “I should’ve known better than to try to stop you.”
There are no missed calls or texts.
Breathe. I’m sure she’s fine, don’t overreact.
I send a quick text because I’ll never let it go.
Me: Hey, you okay? I haven’t heard from you today.
She answers right back.
Stephanie: Yes, Mother.
Brat.
Me: Have you had any more tremors?
My sister suffers from Huntington’s disease. She was diagnosed at nineteen, and it took her independence before she even had time to enjoy it. I tried to care for her. I did everything I could to keep her with me, but when she started suffering from relapsing paralysis and struggling to speak, we knew it was beyond my capability.
Watching your twenty-six-year-old sister battle with early onset dementia is devastating. The last few weeks have been good, though. She’s been cognitive, alert, and even happy. Her symptoms are sometimes so mild that I forget how sick she is, but then the disease rears its ugly face again and there’s no forgetting.
Stephanie: Nope. And aren’t you out with the girls? Go have some fun, Heather. Tell them I said hi!
“Is Steph okay?” Nicole asks when she sees me typing away.
“She’s fine. I mean, you know . . .” My mood drops immediately as I think about how she’ll never experience this. Danielle touches my arm, and I force myself to smile. “She says hi.”
“Give her our love,” Kristin replies. I type out their message and tell her I love her before tucking my phone away again.
“Okay!” Nicole exclaims. “Let’s go see these amazing seats that our super-fan Kristin scored us.”
Kristin gives Nic the stink eye, which would be way more effective if she weren’t in their fan club. Yup, my thirty-eight-year-old best friend is in a fan club for Four Blocks Down. I’m positive she regretted telling us this piece of information, but it landed us front row seats, so we haven’t been too hard on her . . . yet.
“You can sit in the nose bleeds if you want.”
Nicole wraps her arm around her shoulder. “You love me too much to deprive me of Randy.” She lets out a dreamy sigh.
I laugh. “As if you’ll ever going to get that close to him. And he’s married!”
I try to put Stephanie in the back of my mind. My sister’s illness is ripping me apart. I wish I could help her, but I can’t control any of it. It makes me feel helpless all the time.
Stephanie grew up listening to me blare the music and dance around like a loon, and instead, she’s stuck in a damn assisted living facility while I’m out. It isn’t fair. None of this is fair. She should be here with me.
“Hey,” Danni nudges me. “You look beautiful.”
I give her a small smile. “Thanks.” I’m no longer feeling carefree. I can’t stop thinking about how much I wish I could be doing this with her.
“I’m sorry.” Her smile falls slightly.
“For what?”
She shrugs. “I made reality come crashing into our big fun night of no worries.”
“Stop! Don’t feel that way.” I wrap my arm around her shoulder. “My reality never leaves me. My sister is dying. It’s just the way it is.”
Danielle’s smile falls completely now. “I’m so, so sorry, Heather.”
I know she didn’t mean to bring me down. I wish I could be more like Nicole. No responsibilities, sex with random strangers, nothing to worry about . . . but that isn’t how my life goes.
Nope. Mine is a series of tragedies. While my friends were partying in college, I was working full time. My nights and weekends weren’t filled with formals or trips to the beach, they were consumed by doing homework with Steph. I’m not bitter. I’m actually grateful in some ways. It forced me to cherish life and the people in it. Every day I have with Stephanie is a gift.
I shake my head. “You have nothing to apologize for. Let’s act like idiots and pretend there are no problems in the world.”
“You want to party like it’s 1999?”
“Yeah, just like that. If only we had our Four Blocks Down dolls.”
“They are collectable memorabilia,” Kristin corrects before blushing scarlet and mumbling about needing to go find our seats. Nicole, Danielle, and I laugh hysterically as we follow her inside.
I wave to two of the guys in my squad, who are apparently working overtime detail as security as we pass them. Shit. I didn’t even think anyone from my squad would be here. Usually, it’s the other district that handles the MidFlorida Amphitheater. They look thrilled to be here—not. I make a note to behave so my entire department doesn’t find out that I came to see my favorite boy band. However, knowing them, they’ve already texted everyone. I swear, cops are worse than teenage girls with their gossip.
I’ll never live this down.
Music plays from the two opening acts. I sing along because . . . their songs were my jams when I was a teen. I would blare their screw men anthems through my speakers, windows down, singing off key, and belting every note because they were my idols. I owe many of my breakups to them telling me that I didn’t need to take it.
“Ah!” Danielle squeals after the second band finishes. “FBD is next! I had the biggest crush on—”
“Shaun,” Nicole cuts her off. “We remember you licking his poster.”
“Oh my God!” I giggle. “I remember that. She straight made out with it.” I guzzle the rest of my beer and shake my hair around.
“I wanted him to be my first kiss,” Danielle explains.
We all did. Hell, I may have had multiple fantasies with Eli, but I wouldn’t have kicked any of them out of my bed. They were everything when we were younger. I think somewhere in my mind we’re all frozen in time.
“Want another beer?” Kristin yells.
I’ve had three already. I’m halfway to drunk. I shake my head no.
“Yes, she does,” Nicole answers for me. I look at her with my mouth open. “I’m driving. You’re having fun.” She turns back to Kristin. “She’ll be drinking all night.”
“Oh,” Danni laughs, “this is going to be epic.”
“Shut up, I’m a good drunk.”
In my mind.
“You’re good for a laugh,” Danni tacks on.
The lights go out, and the mood shifts. All of us start to scream and hold hands. This is Eli and Randy’s hometown, so it’s extra special. Their homecoming concerts are always louder and longer.
“Are you ready, Tampa?” PJ’s voice booms.
We all yell louder.
“We said,” Shaun’s voice comes through this time, “are you ready?”
I bounce with Nicole, unable to control myself. I allow the energy of the room to fill me. I’m probably the loudest of the four of us. I don’t give a shit, either. “Hell yeah!”
Kristin looks at me with a huge grin. So unlike me.
“That’s it, Tampa!” Randy’s face flashes on the screen on the side of the stage. “The Walsh brothers are home. And we want to hear you!”
Eli’s face. I sigh. “Did you miss us?”
“Fuck yeah I did,” I scream.
“Good.” The screen displays both Eli and Randy. “We missed you, too. And you’re about to see a whole lot of us. FBD is back, and we’re ready to blow your minds.”
The arena goes black.
And slowly, I see something rise out of the stage.
I stand mesmerized.
The light shines in my eyes, blinding me, but when I can see again, I would swear that Eli Walsh is staring right at me.
Emerald-green eyes pierce through me. His dark brown hair is cut short on the sides and the top falls errantly around his forehead. I take in eve
ry ounce of his perfect body. The way his arms pull against the fabric of his shirt, the pants that hug his perfect ass, and the span of his broad shoulders, makes me want to climb him like a tree. Then, with our gaze connected, he winks and throws a wicked grin my way.
Holy shit.
I stand there and gaze back at him like a fish with my eyes wide and mouth open. He looks away, but it happened. Eli Walsh smiled and winked at me. I just died.
Chapter 2
Heather
“I’m hallucinating,” I say to Nicole as I explain what occurred, or at least what I think did. “He wasn’t actually looking at me, right? I’m being insane. I must be stupid drunk to be imagining this.”
She lets out one of her evil laughs while shaking her head. “You have no idea how pretty you are. I swear. Blonde hair, petite, brown eyes, big tits . . . of course he winked at you. Hell, I’d do you.”
I can’t tell if this is her typical sarcasm or if she’s being honest. Part of me doesn’t want to know. I can continue to delude myself that he was zoomed in on me. What mega superstar/sex God who can have any woman he wants would hone in on me?
Sigh, I can’t even lie to myself well.
The next song comes on, and he doesn’t glance my way once.
Okay, I’m literally certifiable.
I knew I had to be off my rocker. Now I can continue on with my life.
We drink more, sing, and I do everything I can not to stare at him. But . . . I can’t help it. He’s too beautiful to look away from. I watch the way his chest heaves as he dances around the stage in perfect sync with the other guys. How his eyes scan the crowd but still make every woman think he’s looking right at her. It’s magnetic. Eli Walsh is ridiculously sexy. Even in his forties. He’s aged so well it makes me wish I were a guy. They have it so much easier than women. My boobs were much perkier fifteen years ago.
His smile, though. That hasn’t changed one bit. It still brightens every part of him.
“Heather!” Danielle calls to me over the music. “Matt,” she jerks her head to the left.
Ugh. Why the hell is he here? I can’t escape him.
One night. I wanted one single night with no Matt, Stephanie, bills, crumbling house, or any other issue. Once again, I get screwed, and not in the way that leaves me sated at the end of the night.
I grab Nicole’s beer and chug.
“Whoa!” she says, taking the half empty can from me. “Easy there. You’re a lightweight on a good day, but I can’t remember the last time you drank like this. Pace yourself.”
“You said to enjoy myself.”
She smirks. “Touché.”
I ignore Matt standing off to the side and looking authoritative in his uniform. It used to turn me on when he got ready for his shift. Watching him put on his vest and then take his time to make sure every crease was in line. Once he was sure his uniform was perfect, he would put his gun belt on and stand with his chest puffed out. Now he looks like an old guy who thinks his middle bulge is muscle. Sorry, dude, it’s the bulletproof vest making your chest big, not what’s under it.
Kristin wraps her arm around my waist, dragging my attention from him. “Ignore all men except those on that stage.”
“I just can’t seem to get him to disappear.”
She touches my cheek. “Try to escape in the music.”
I bob my head as we sing to our favorite ballad. “I love this song.” I sigh.
“Love me till the end of . . . time,” we both sing in harmony.
“I’ll love you, Eli!” I scream.
His eyes lock on mine, and my face becomes an inferno. Heat floods my entire body as his lips turn up slightly, and he gazes at me a beat longer than last time. Everything inside me clenches. My breathing halts, and I don’t look away. Eli finally turns to do some spin with the rest of the group, breaking our moment.
I just died of humiliation. I cannot believe I yelled that and he heard me.
Kill me now.
Kristin bursts out laughing, almost falling over from her hysterics. “I think I just peed a little.”
“Shut up.”
“You yelled . . . that you love him . . . and he . . . heard you!” she manages through her fit of laughter. “Only you.”
I pretend it didn’t affect me. We had a connection. I felt it, and I swear he did, too. My heart raced and not just because it was him. Part of me was mortified, but the other part of me was emboldened. He freaking looked at me. I know I didn’t imagine it.
“Maybe he didn’t hear.”
“Oh, he heard,” Kristin shakes her head.
The girls go back to dancing around and singing along while I feel like an asshole. I hate to be the center of attention, and I hate being embarrassed. That moment was as horrifying as it was exhilarating.
I need some air. There’s no way I can look at the stage right now. If he isn’t looking at me—which I know he’s not—I’ll feel stupid. If he is—again I know he’s not—I may have a stroke.
“Be right back,” I call out to the girls.
“You okay?” Danielle yells.
“I need another beer.”
She raises her can and then I head up the stairs. The music plays in the background as I keep moving.
I arrive at the concession stand and grab two more drinks. I’m going to need them. But I decide there’s no way I’m going to feel bad. I’m allowed to let loose. Besides, I’m sure he gets this all the time. Everyone here loves him, so why the hell do I care if he happened to hear me? I don’t.
Lie.
But, no, this is the first time I’ve been out in how long? I’m going to enjoy every damn minute. I brush it off, sip my beer, and decide to own my pubescent love of Eli Walsh.
As I turn, I come face to face with Matt.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hi.” I muster all the enthusiasm I have . . . which is none.
He scans the crowd and looks at the beer in my hand. I can see the judgment in his eyes. God forbid I actually have a life. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”
“I didn’t think I’d see you, either.”
Matt puffs out his chest and puts his hand on his gun belt. “Well, I figured I’d get some overtime.”
“That’s good.”
I’m not sure what to say at this point.
“So, how’s life? Steph?”
Like you care.
“She’s been good. Asked about you the other day.”
Matt rakes his fingers through his short brown hair. Seeing him like this makes it hard to forget how good things were for a period of time. Right now, he’s just a normal guy, not the asshole who broke my heart. “I’m glad she’s doing good. So, Four Blocks Down? Didn’t peg you for a groupie.”
I’m honestly shocked he’s surprised. Four Blocks Down was played at our wedding. He knows how much I love them. My bridesmaids serenaded me to my favorite Eli song.
“Attending a concert doesn’t make me a groupie, Matt. I’m enjoying a night out.”
His hand touches my shoulder. I wait for a feeling, any feeling, but nothing comes. I used to turn into a puddle when he was near me. He used to make my heart race, now he makes my head hurt.
I don’t know if I can pinpoint exactly when it happened, but we fell out of love as quickly as we fell in love. I think I cried more over losing the idea of my marriage than losing him. I wanted a love like my parents had. Instead, I got apathy and a man who was extremely jealous of my sick sister.
Matt’s thumb grazes my bare skin. “You deserve it.”
The door opens, and Nicole catches my eye. The scowl on her face makes me grin. There’s no love lost between these two.
She bumps my hip with hers, causing my beer to slosh over the rim of the cup. “If it isn’t Deputy Dickless, or should we say, Captain Kangaroo?” Nicole says before grabbing the cup and taking a drink.
Here we go.
“Hello, Nicole,” he says through gritted teeth. “And I’m a lieutenant not a deputy
or captain.”
“Sooo sorry to get that wrong.” She touches her chest. “Well, as much as I don’t give a shit . . .”
“Nic,” I say, hoping to diffuse the situation. Nicole holds grudges, and the fact that Matt hurt me still enrages her.
Thankfully, she takes another swig instead of responding. When she finishes, she links her arm in mine. “On that note. I’m going to steal my best friend so we can enjoy our night without spineless men who leave their wives because they’re selfish. Bye now.”
She pulls me away.
“Bye,” I say.
Nicole squeezes my arm. “I love you and want you to please not spend another second thinking of him.”
“I’m fine. He was being really nice.”
That was part of the problem. In the beginning, I was happy. Then Steph got sicker, and my attention wasn’t directed toward him anymore. I needed to care for her, which meant Matt had to care for me. He either didn’t want to or he didn’t know how to, and it was the beginning of the end. We fought all the time and barely saw each other. Then, right before he left me, he was ridiculously nice. There wasn’t passionate lovemaking or any big grand fights. Everything was even keel.
“Good. Let’s go sing and see if you make an ass out of yourself again.”
Ugh. I regret this already.
We get back to the front row as the boys are playing one of their older songs. I don’t know why they play the new stuff. Really, no one cares. We want to pretend we’re still thirteen singing into our hairbrush microphones.
“All right, ladies,” Randy croons. “It’s that time. We’re going to take it down a notch. Maybe find that girl who only comes around once?”
My favorite song ever.
Eli walks around the stage, smiling and pointing to random women. “I feel like I need to sing to someone this time, Ran.”
Randy smirks. “You need some inspiration, brother?”
Eli continues to walk around while tapping his chin. “I need a girl who’s going to be mine. Are you her?” he asks the crowd.
