by Tijan
It’s easy to give someone sympathy, it’s easy to love them. Accepting their love though, accepting it in the way they’re able to give… that’s the difficult part, because that’s where you get hurt.
I forgive him, but I’m waiting for the next bad thing to happen.
Jase is just waiting, on edge and waiting for something… I don’t know what.
The other end of the line goes to voicemail. So I dial the number again, stretching at the end of the sofa. Jase’s non-office is now my hideaway. The smell of old books and leather is too much to resist.
Ring. Ring.
On the second ring, it picks up and I recognize the voice instantly.
“Laura,” I say and my gut falls. I wasn’t expecting her to answer. “I didn’t know you were working day shifts this week.”
Animosity and betrayal stir in my stomach. More than that though, I miss her.
“Bethany?” She sounds surprised to hear my voice.
“I just wanted to call about Michelle, the pregnant patient with pica on floor two, and maybe talk to Aiden…” I trail off, waiting for Laura to tell me she’ll get him. After a few seconds of silence and then the way she says my name, I know that’s not going to happen.
“Bethany,” she says but I can already tell there’s too much sympathy in her tone. “Michelle died two days ago. I’m sorry. I thought Aiden called.”
The leather turns hot under my tight grip. I can barely breathe. When I worked in pediatrics before this for my internship, death was common. It was so common I’d check the paper for the obituaries before coming into work so I’d be prepared. It’s also why I left. At the center, it rarely happens, but now it feels like death’s following me everywhere.
“Beth? Are you there?”
“I’m here,” I answer her although my body’s still tense and it hurts to swallow.
“You weren’t answering my texts and I know you’re mad, but I thought you knew. I swear. I’m so sorry.”
“How did it happen?”
“Magnets. They obstructed her bowels,” Laura answers.
“If I’d been working--”
“Don’t think like that.”
“I had a rapport with her.” I can’t even say her name as tears prick my eyes. She was young and beautiful. Before getting pregnant, she was healthy. If only, if only. I think it too much now. Every day I wonder ‘what if’ in all aspects of my life. It’s not a healthy way to live.
“She wasn’t well and…” Laura stops when she hears my quick inhale. I’m not crying, but I’m damn close to it.
“There was nothing any of us could have done. The behavioral approach was working and she was released. Her husband checked her out… it happened in her home.”
With a hand over my heated face, I focus on calming down, but it takes a long moment. Struggling not to lose it, I debate on simply hanging up.
“I’m sorry,” Laura tells me again and I don’t know what to reply. It’s not okay, but that’s the answer we’re supposed to give, isn’t it? That or thank you, but there’s nothing to be thankful for right now.
“You need to come back to work,” Laura tells me when the silence stretches.
“Everything’s changed.”
My voice is tight when I answer her. “I want to come back.” Focusing on breathing, I try to calm down. “I can’t believe she’s dead. It feels like I was just with her.”
“Tragedy happens.” Seconds pass as I try to accept it, staring at the unlit fireplace.
“You should come back.” I’m grateful for Laura’s distraction as she adds, “Aiden’s gone for three days and he told me to schedule you for next week. So you’re on.”
My eyes lift to the bookshelves, feeling wider, more alert. “I can come back to work?”
“We need you. There’s so much that’s happened.”
The way she says it makes my heart still and I can feel a deep crease settle between my brow as I ask, “What? What happened?”
“I can’t tell you over the phone; just start back on Monday.”
A cold prick flows over my skin, knowing something’s wrong, but not knowing what. “Okay.” I take a moment, which feels awkward and tense, but I make sure Laura knows I’m genuine when I tell her, “Thank you.”
“Are we okay?” she asks me softly. I can practically see her nervously wrapping her finger around the phone cord in the office like she does. It’s a habit I picked up from her.
I answer her honestly, “I don’t understand why you did it. Why you called him and didn’t tell me.”
“There’s a lot you don’t know.”
“You could tell me,” I offer her. “Really, if you’d told me no, or if you told me you called him before he showed up…”
“I… I can’t tell you right now, but soon? I can tell you soon, if you want.”
“I want to know. I do.”
“And then we’ll be okay?” she asks me as if that’s all she wants.
“Yeah,” I answer her even though I don’t know if it’s truthful. I don’t know why so many people are hiding secrets. Or why each one hurts more than the last.
When I hang up the phone with her, I hear the front door close from all the way down the long hall. Jase is home and it surprises me how much I want to go to him, how much I want him to hold me like he does every time he gets back and just before he leaves.
I wait for him, holding my breath at first, but I can’t hear where he’s going or what he’s doing. Leaving my phone on the glass table, I pick my book back up, although my gaze flicks to the open door.
Bethany
He’s been quiet, but there’s a look in his eyes that’s anything but. I can feel the tension crackle and it promises that if I follow him, I’ll be given everything I could possibly want in this moment. And so I do. The second he looks at me, I close my book and leave it there to go to him.
“Come on,” he commands but it’s soft and low, pleading almost. My heart yearns to follow him quickly; to show him I accept his demands.
“I don’t want this distance between us anymore.” Jase’s voice is calming and deep.
“I don’t either,” I admit to him and reach out to take his hand when he offers it. There’s something about the roughness along his knuckles and the warmth of his skin that’s soothing. His touch consoles a part of me that’s desperate to heal.
“Trust works both ways,” Jase tells me as I gauge the changes in the fire room. Everything’s been moved out, most notably the chaise and the wooden bench. In place of the plush white rug is a black blanket, large and heavy. The room’s barren, but still beautiful, with the crystal fireplace and lit chandeliers.
“Both ways,” I repeat, registering his words and wondering what he has planned.
He said he found a solution to our problem. Funny how a man’s solution involves sex… or so I assume. To be honest though, I need this.
I need him like this. I close my eyes knowing we need this.
“Strip here.” He gives me orders as he places a handful of things in the middle of the blanket.
A candle, a lighter, a bottle of ethanol, some sort of white cloth, and the weighted blanket. Tremors of pleasure send a warmth flowing through me, meeting at my core and heating instantly.
By the time I’ve stripped to nothing, he’s done the same. The light from the fire emphasizes every etched muscle in his taut skin. His cock is already rigid and my bottom lip drops at the thought of being at this man’s mercy.
A deep, rough chuckle whips my eyes from his length to his gaze. “Ever needy and greedy, aren’t you?” he teases me and that’s when I see the glimmer of light that reflects off the blade. The tension rises, stifling me, wrapping its way around me… and I love it. I crave it. It does nothing but ignite a fire inside of me.
My feet patter on the slick black blanket beneath us as I make my way to him, tucking my hair behind my ear as I prepare to drop to my knees in front of him. I want to please him, to prove to him that I still desi
re him, that there’s still a roaring fire between us. I don’t get a chance to though.
Catching my elbow, Jase stops me and instead puts his hand on mine, pulling my fingers back and making me hold my hand out flat. He’s silent as he gives me the knife.
“It’s heavy,” I comment weakly as he sits cross-legged and I do the same in front of him. The heat from the fire is the only thing that keeps the chills of the cool air away. My heart races as I glance at the small silvery scar still on his chest.
“I want us both to play,” he tells me, wrapping my hand around the handle of the blade and then bringing it to his chest. “First you need to shave me.”
The command is simple although my gaze shifts from the small smattering of hair on his chest to his eyes. Scooting closer to him, I watch the way his throat dips, the way the cords tighten as I prepare for the first stroke.
Before I can press the blade to his skin, he lays a hand on each of my hips, holding me steady. The warmth of the fire is nothing compared to his touch. With every small exhale, I drag the blade down carefully, feeling it nick each hair along his chest. Breathing in, I then drag the blade over his skin, blowing softly across it as I go and gently bring the back of my fingers across his body to check on the smoothness of it.
“Don’t leave any behind,” he tells me, sitting upright and still not moving.
“Does it hurt at all?” I ask him, running my fingers over what I’ve just done and then moving the blade to a patch of fuzz on his upper pec by his shoulder.
“You’re only shaving me,” he answers with a handsome grin, mocking me.
“I mean the scar. Where I cut you before,” I whisper, not looking into his eyes and then grabbing the cloth next to Jase to wipe the blade clean.
“No,” he answers and then takes the knife from me. “It feels like a memory that fate made happen.”
He does the same to me, shaving away the little bits of hair, making sure there’s nothing between us that the fire would catch.
“You first,” he tells me and he tips the bottle of ethanol, the cloth pressed against the opening. The smell of alcohol hits me as he wets the rag. “Where you put it, the fire will catch, but do it quickly.” Before relaxing his shoulders and sitting back, he lights the candle. “Use this for the flame but hold it upright to keep the wax from dripping.”
I’ve paid attention and I’ve seen what he does. Nodding, I know exactly what he’s said and why it works, but still I hesitate, holding the rag in my hand and staring at his chest.
“What if I hurt you?”
“The blanket’s fireproof and I can lie down, Bethany. I’m here, and you’re more than capable.”
I remember what it’s like, the memory of the fire tickling then blazing. Heating my skin before vanishing and leaving me breathless and hungry for more. I can give that to him. The very idea of it makes me eager to do it.
Reaching out, I wipe the damp cloth against his skin in a small motion, not covering much area at all. My pulse is fast and my hand trembles slightly. I can’t help it; the only thing that keeps me composed is the intimacy of the moment and his touch steadying me.
“A cross?” he questions and I let my lips kick up as I pick up the candle. “Over your heart,” I answer him in a whisper as I lift the flame. It catches quicker than I anticipate, blazing in a short burst and vanishing as my heart races.
Releasing my shock in a single breath I look to Jase whose eyes are wide with desire as his chest rises higher. “Again,” he commands in a deep groan. This time when I get closer to him, he grips my wrist holding the cloth out and tells me, “Use more and in a different spot. When it lights, press your body against mine and feel the aftershocks of the fire.”
He takes his time, moving my hair behind me and telling me to braid it and be careful. Playing with fire is something we’ve always been warned not to do, and maybe that’s why it’s so exciting.
I do as he says, wondering what type of pleasure or pain it’ll bring. I’m too slow the first time, too slow to feel anything but the heat of his chest where the reddened skin felt the kiss of fire. Still, with my body pressed against his and feeling the rumble of desire against his chest, it’s erotic, it’s forbidden and I want more of it.
“Fire needs fuel to stay alive. It has to breathe, but you can smother it. It needs to move, but you can deny it.” His words are mesmerizing, and the feel of dulled flames extinguished as I press my body against his is unlike anything I’ve felt before. It’s gone too fast.
Taking my hand, he runs the rag over my breasts before I can run it down his body. I light him first and as I lean, the fire catches against my skin. As my head falls back, Jase presses his body to mine, gripping the hair at the base of my skull and pulling it back as his teeth scrape against my neck.
He takes control then, laying me down and playing with me, toying with the fire between us.
It’s a dangerous game to play with fire, but I feel like he’s made the rules. I feel invincible with him, like nothing matters except for what he tells me in that moment.
The light flicks between us, burning hot and roaring until it extinguishes. It happens so fast, but each moment seems more and more intense. Hotter, heavier and upping the stakes of how much of our skin is sensitized.
Until the lights have gone out and the heat dissipates, leaving me yearning for more.
More than the fire this time. I need him. The pieces of him that fire can’t give me. I breathe into Jase’s kiss, “I want you.”
He devours me, pushing me to the floor and bracing himself above me, settling between my spread legs before tilting my hips how he wants them. Jase isn’t gentle when he enters me. He teases me at first, pressing the head of his cock against my folds and sliding it up to my clit, rubbing me and taunting me before slamming inside of me to the hilt and making me scream. I watch him hold his breath as he does it, and he watches me just the same.
I’m lost in the lust of his gaze, lost in the gentle touches of his hands on my breasts where the fire just was as he pistons his hips, deliberately and with a steady pace that drives me to near insanity. He’s controlled and measured, even through the intense pleasure. I feel him hit my back wall, the ridges of his cock pressing against every sensitive bundle of nerves as he fucks me like this. Deep and ruthlessly, but making every thrust push me higher.
I barely notice when he raises his body from mine. The heat from the fireplace blazes, but it doesn’t compare to what it feels like to have his body on top of mine. I lift my shoulders off the ground, reaching up to hold on to his, but he shoves himself deep inside of me, making my back bow. Throwing my head back with pleasure, I see the lit candle, I see him tilt it to its side where it rolls away, the flame still lit, the fire growing, catching in a crevice of the hard wood floors.
Lighting ablaze.
“Jase!” I scream, pausing my body, but he doesn’t stop, he crashes his lips to mine, hushing me as the fire roars behind us. Pressing my palms against him, I try to push him away so he can see, but he resists.
He ignores me to the point where I feel as though I’ve imagined it.
“Fire.” I breathe out the word in a ragged whisper as he fucks me while the pleasure mounts and stirs in my belly; it overrides the fear. Jase tells me at the shell of my ear, “I know.”
My heart races chaotically as I look into his eyes and he speaks with his lips close to mine, “Trust me.” The fire behind us echoes in his eyes.
It takes me a moment to realize he’s still. He’s stopped. And the fire is real.
With the flames reflecting in his dark gaze, I reach up and pull him toward me, urging him on before kissing him.
The flames grow brighter and I can’t stop watching them. Even as he ruts between my legs, bringing my pleasure higher and higher, my body getting hotter and the intensity of everything mixing with the fear and pain and utter rapture.
“It’s on fire,” I say and the fear creeps into my voice. “The room’s on fire.” Even so,
Jase doesn’t stop. He’s savage as he fucks me into the ground, kissing his way down my neck. My nails dig into his skin as I hear and feel the fire grow. My heart pounds against his. “Trust me,” he whispers.
The flames rise higher and higher, igniting against everything around us, even though it doesn’t travel across the black blanket. “Kiss me,” Jase commands, gripping my chin and pulling me back to him.
“Jase,” I gasp his name, the fear and heat of the fire stealing me from him. His lips crash against mine and with a hand on my back and another on my ass, he moves me to the floor, pinning me there with his weight.
Thrusting himself inside of me, my back arches, my head falls back and I stare at the flickers of red and yellow flames as they engulf the room surrounding us.
And then, just in the moment when I’m breathless with fear, water rains down upon us. It comes down heavily. No sirens, no noises at all. Only water, leaving a chill from the cold droplets to bring goosebumps along my heated skin.
“There’s always something to calm the fire,” he groans in the crook of my neck and then drags his teeth along my throat as the deluge descends around us, extinguishing the flames. Every thrust is that much deeper as I lift my hips and dig my heels into his ass.
Even knowing it’s safe, knowing the fire’s gone, my heart still pounds with a primal instinct to run. I can’t though, pinned beneath Jase and wanting more of him.
The light goes out around us, the flames diminished to nothing. The warmth of the room vanishes as the water washes us of the fear from being consumed by the fire.
Lifting his head up to look down at me, I stare into Jase’s eyes as he presses himself deeper inside of me and then pulls out slowly, just to do it all again. Every agonizingly slow movement draws out my pleasure, raising the threshold and I whimper each time.
That’s how I fall. Staring into his eyes longingly, praying for mercy to end it just as I whimper and beg him for more. Clinging to him as he hovers over me and loving this man. Loving him for all he is and knowing what I do. Knowing I never want to stop.
