by Holly Martin
THE CROW RECOGNISED THAT THE DOVE NEEDED STABILITY AND THAT HE COULD NEVER GIVE HER THAT. HE WAS YOUNG AND IMPETUOUS. HE DRANK AND SMOKED AND SOMETIMES WHEN THE DOVE WAS WITH HIM SHE SMOKED TOO. SHE WAS YOUNG AND INNOCENT AND HE WANTED HER TO STAY THAT WAY. HE KNEW THAT WITH HIM SHE WOULD ONLY END UP GOING DOWN A DARK PATH. HE BORED EASILY AND THE THOUGHT OF SETTLING IN ONE PLACE FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE SCARED HIM. HE WANTED TO TRAVEL THE WORLD AND NEVER PUT DOWN ROOTS. HE KNEW THAT IF HE ASKED THE DOVE TO COME WITH HIM, SHE PROBABLY WOULD BUT THAT SHE WOULD MISS OUT ON THE CONSTANCY AND PERMANENCE SHE SO DESPERATELY NEEDED.
THE CROW KNEW HIS BROTHER, THE MAGPIE, LOVED THE DOVE AS MUCH AS HE DID AND HE COULDN’T BEAR TO HURT HIS BROTHER BY TAKING THE DOVE WITH HIM. SO THE CROW LEFT THE TINY WOOD TO SEEK HIS FORTUNE IN THE WIDER WORLD, LEAVING THE DOVE IN THE SAFE, PROTECTIVE HANDS WINGS OF HIS YOUNGER BROTHER.
WHEN THE CROW RETURNED, AS HE HAD FORESEEN, THE MAGPIE AND THE DOVE WERE HAPPILY MARRIED AND APART FROM THE HUGE ACHE IN HIS HEART, THE CROW KNEW ALL WAS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.
FOR FIVE LONG YEARS THE MAGPIE AND DOVE LIVED THEIR HAPPILY EVER AFTERS, COMPLETELY IN LOVE, WHILST THE CROW TRAVELLED THE WORLD, MADE LOTS OF FRIENDS AND TRIED TO FORGET WHERE HIS HEART LAY BY SPENDING TIME WITH LOTS OF OTHER VERY PRETTY FEMALE BIRDS.
THEN DISASTER STRUCK. ONE COLD WINTER WHEN THE CROW WAS BACK IN THE TINY WOOD VISITING HIS BROTHER AND THE DOVE, THERE WAS A HORRIBLE ACCIDENT WHICH ENDED THE LIFE OF THE MAGPIE.
INSTEAD OF RETURNING TO HIS LIFE OF FUN AND FROLICS AFTER THE FUNERAL, THE CROW STAYED TO TEND TO THE BROKEN HEART OF THE DOVE. HE KNEW THAT HE WOULD WILLINGLY GIVE UP THAT LIFE TO STAY BY THE DOVE’S SIDE FOREVER. HE LOVED HER, HAD ALWAYS LOVED HER AND WHEREVER SHE WAS WOULD NOW BE HIS HOME. IT SEEMED THAT THE DOVE RETURNED THESE FEELINGS, THAT BEING MARRIED TO HIS BROTHER HAD NEVER DIMINISHED THE LOVE SHE FELT FOR HIM.
SUDDENLY, JUST SEVEN MONTHS AFTER THE DEATH OF THE MAGPIE, THE CROW FLEES BACK TO HIS FORMER LIFE. THOUGH HE STILL LOVES THE DOVE AND THE DOVE LOVES HIM, THERE SEEMS TO BE SOMETHING THAT IS HOLDING THE YOUNG LOVEBIRDS BACK.
IT IS NOW TWO YEARS AFTER THE MAGPIE HAS DIED AND THE LOVEBIRDS ARE STILL UNABLE TO TAKE THAT FINAL STEP. WILL THEY EVER BE TOGETHER OR ARE THEY DESTINED TO LIVE THEIR LIVES ALONE, NEVER FILLING THE GAP THAT HAS BEEN LEFT IN THEIR HEARTS?
SHIT, ANNIE, I’M SORRY, I NEVER MEANT TO MAKE YOU CRY.
TUESDAY:
I FEEL AWFUL, I’M SO SORRY ANNIE, I DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT YOU. PLEASE ANSWER YOUR DOOR.
I’ve been at The Painted Plate all day today, my pottery painting studio. I’m fine. I’m having an early night as I’m getting up early tomorrow to drive to Tenby so I probably won’t see you again before you leave. Take Care.
Annie x
YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY NOT FINE. LOOK ONE NIGHT ME AND OLLY GOT REALLY DRUNK AND HE TOLD ME EVERYTHING. I THOUGHT YOU KNEW ALL THIS, THAT HE LOVES YOU COMPLETELY AND ALWAYS HAS. I THOUGHT THE ONLY THING HOLDING YOU BACK WAS THAT YOU WEREN’T READY AFTER NICK DIED. BUT THEN I READ THIS THING WITH BARNEY AND THAT YOU ARE GOING OFF TO PLAY WITH SOME FIT GARDENER CALLED CONNOR AND IT’S CLEAR YOU ARE READY TO MOVE ON NOW, BUT WHY AREN’T YOU MOVING ON WITH OLLY?
Olly does not love me. Whatever drunken ramblings he uttered to you that night were just that, ramblings.
When we were younger, he always spoke about leaving, that he wanted to see the world. Just like my Mum. When he was eighteen he booked his ticket to the States. I begged him not to go, told him I loved him in the hope that if he had something to stay for he wouldn’t go. But I wasn’t enough. I needed him in my life and with him gone it felt like half my heart had been ripped out. But the other half of my heart belonged to Nick. I love them both, always have and always will. But Olly was wrong. Though I yearned for freedom, I could never have left my Dad behind, not after Mum had left. I couldn’t bear to leave Nick either. If there was a choice between him and Olly, I could never have made it. As it happens I didn’t need to. Olly didn’t feel for me what I felt for him and he left.
After Nick died Olly stayed with me for nearly seven months, slept in the bed with me, holding me as I cried myself to sleep. Of course nothing happened between us. I wasn’t in any fit state. I know the press were slating him for jumping straight into the marital bed before it had even gone cold. There were pictures in the papers of us holding hands on the beach, or him with his arm round me. But it wasn’t like that between us.
Until the night before he left. We got drunk, we slept together and the next day he ran. We didn’t speak for six months. Seemingly he was engaged to you, had been since before Nick had died. I thought for a while that that was why he ran, he felt guilty for cheating on you, or that your patience with the grieving widow had finally run out. It wasn’t until I met you that I realised it was all a sham. But if he didn’t run because of you, then he ran because he doesn’t want me. It was pity sex, pure and simple. Grief sex at best.
So your story, as nice as it is, is nothing more than a fairy tale.
And I’m definitely gluing these pages together after you’ve gone.
WEDNESDAY:
DAMN IT. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SNUCK IN LAST NIGHT AND WROTE ALL THIS AND NOW YOU’VE ALREADY GONE. WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS. THOUGH ACTUALLY THE PERSON YOU REALLY NEED TO SPEAK TO IS OLLY. THE STUPID MAN SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU HOW HE FELT AND WHY HE RAN.
MY GUILT HAS BEEN PUSHED ASIDE SLIGHTLY WITH THE ARRIVAL OF THE BEAUTIFUL DARCY BURBRIDGE.
Viv, Penelope, whichever name you are going under, you are so indiscreet. You were the one that wanted to keep our relationship secret. You were the one that said the British public weren’t ready for their national treasure to be gay. Olly has gone to a lot of trouble to help you in this charade and then you spill all his innermost secrets and most of ours in this book. If you want people to know, I’ll go outside and shout it from the rooftops right now.
Darcy
DARCY, DON’T BE MAD. I MISSED YOU AND THE SECRECY IS DRIVING ME MAD.
Me too, but I’m not about to drag Olly and Annie down with us. When the time is right, Olly will dump you and you can seek solace with me, as we planned. Not before. And I’ll glue these pages together myself before we leave.
Thursday:
Annie thank you so much for letting me stay. There are literally no places in the world that we are safe to be seen together without being hounded by the press. They know I’m Viv’s best friend, but if we are seen together in hotels then people will soon start to be suspicious. Hotel staff are the most indiscreet and word would soon get out. I feel safe here, safe to finally be with the woman I love.
Your neighbours are fiercely loyal to you and as such loyal to us too. No one cares who we are and the press will never find us here.
I’m sorry if this sham between Viv and Olly brings you any grief, or if Viv has hurt you in any way with her flapping mouth. I’ve met Olly quite a few times, stayed with him in his house in New York. Viv speaks the truth. He’s crazy about you, that much is clear. He has photos of you everywhere, even on the screensaver of his laptop. I’m sorry that you have to find out through me or Viv and not from the silly man himself.
Darcy x
FRIDAY:
A LOVELY DAY AT THE BEACH TODAY. WE STAYED MAINLY IN THE DUNES, IT WAS VERY QUIET AND ROMANTIC.
I STILL FEEL WRACKED WITH GUILT. ANNIE YOU’RE THE LAST PERSON IN THE WORLD I’D WANT TO HURT. I’M NOT EVEN SURE HOW I DID IT. SURELY FINDING OUT THAT OLLY LOVES YOU IS A GOOD THING. HE LOVES YOU, YOU LOVE HIM, BUTTERBING, BUTTERBOOM!
SATURDAY:
WE’RE LEAVING TODAY. THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY.
YOU PROBABLY WON’T THANK ME FOR THIS EITHER, BUT I TOLD OLLY WHAT I HAD DONE. HE WAS FURIOUS. I THINK HE MIGHT BE ON HIS WAY OVER.
HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT FOR YOU.
VIV X
**********
7th July - ?
Oliver Black.
Monday:
I’ve just arrived from New York to talk to Annie only to find she’s not here. Sophia l
et me in, reluctantly and I’m staying until Annie gets back.
At least without Annie knocking on my door every few minutes I’ll be able to get some writing done until she comes home.
Tuesday:
The last time I was here I persuaded Annie to use Twitter. I thought it might be another way to get Willow Cottage noticed if she was posting special offers and what was going on in the local area. She agreed to give it a go for herself first and once she got the hang of it she would open a Twitter account under the name of Willow Cottage. I set up an account for her and showed her how to use it.
This has back fired spectacularly on me. As one of her few followers, I’m now being updated with progress on her holiday. Tweets like ‘Went to the beach with Connor today’ and ‘Connor is the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen’ and ‘Connor and I are going on a trip to Skomer Island’ and ‘I may actually be in love’ are pissing me right off.
I’ve phoned and tweeted her but she hasn’t replied. She seems to be deliberately ignoring me.
Wednesday:
Annie, did Vivienne mention the money, is that why you’re angry with me?
I had to give you the money. Without Nick’s income you would never have been able to afford the mortgage repayments on your home and on Willow Cottage. Of course he wasn’t insured, I only told you that so you’d accept the money. Even if he was what kind of insurance policy do you think would pay out two million pounds?
I had to know you would be ok, that with everything else that was going on I didn’t want money to be an issue for you. And after all, it’s my fault that he’s dead. You’ve never said as much, but you must think it. I was driving the car. I should have done something, reacted quicker, anything to avoid the other car.
Thursday:
I am furious. Sally Jenkins, another one of Annie’s followers has tweeted demanding to know details about Connor. Annie has replied that he is magnificent in every single way possible.
I’m so livid Annie. I didn’t give you all that money so you could spend it jumping into bed with any man who catches your eye. First me, then Barney and now Connor. You’re not the person I thought you were. Did Nick mean nothing to you? And what kind of stupid ass name is Barney? Sounds like a sodding dinosaur.
I’ve just split open Vivienne and Darcy’s entries. I can’t believe you say you loved me the whole time you were married to Nick. Do you know how sick that makes me? Do you have no loyalty at all? How do you think Nick would feel if he knew that?
I’m going to keep ringing you until you answer.
Friday:
If I knew where Hetty lived I’d drive up there and drag you home myself.
What happened between us that night was a mistake. It will never happen again. I at least have some integrity over honouring my brother’s memory, where you appear to have none.
Saturday:
I have just texted and left an answerphone message for Annie to say there’s been a fire at Willow Cottage. She phoned me straight back and I told her she needed to come home as soon as she could.
I’m not particularly proud of myself. She sounded really upset. But at least she’s coming home now and we can talk about all this.
Damn it. It’s a good seven hour drive from Tenby to here, if not more. Annie’s driving back through the rain, tired and upset. What the fuck have I done? If anything happens to her I’d never forgive myself.
Sunday:
Early hours Sunday morning now. Where the hell is she?
She’s here. Thank God.
She’s going to be pissed.
Urgh! I hate arguing with Annie. Not only do I feel like I’ve just kicked a puppy, but she’s my best friend. I can’t sleep, I’m so wound up.
We shouted at each other until our throats were raw. We’ve never shouted at each other before. I was angry after we slept together but as she was crying the next day over what happened I couldn’t bear to shout at her so I just left. Now… Everything came out last night and I hate it. I hate what I’ve become.
It’s nearly lunchtime now and I haven’t seen Annie since she flounced off to bed last night. She’s probably exhausted.
Going for a walk on the beach to clear my head.
I’m so angry at you. I have never been so furious before in my entire life.
My first holiday since Nick died and you ruined it with absurd jealousy, misplaced guilt and anger.
You need to stop feeling guilty over the accident. I don’t blame you at all. There was nothing that you could have done and it wasn’t your fault. Do you honestly think I wish it was you that had died instead of Nick? I can’t believe you said that last night. That thought has never entered my head. I was so grateful that I hadn’t lost both of my best friends that fateful night.
You gave me two million pounds of guilt money? I was so stupid to think that was Nick’s insurance money. I still have most of it. I’ll arrange for it to be transferred to you tomorrow. I am not taking your pay offs. I will re-mortgage the house and pay you back the rest. At least then you won’t seem to think you have the right to tell me what to do with my life.
As for what happened between us, I don’t regret it for one moment. It was not a mistake, well not for me. I cried the next day because I was so confused by my feelings. Grief is a complicated emotion, as I’m sure you’re aware. I cried because I felt no guilt at all for sleeping with you and I felt that I should. Because I bloody well enjoyed it and there was you all angry for letting it happen. I cried because I knew you were going to run, like you always have when times get tough. I cried because I knew you leaving was going to hurt like Nick dying all over again.
Am I supposed to feel like scum because I love you, because I loved you the entire time I was married to Nick? Well I don’t. Loving you did not mean that I didn’t love Nick. I never settled for Nick. I had the best husband in the world, my best friend. I loved him more every day we were together and there was never a moment that I wished I had married you instead. Nick was perfect for me in every single way. But I still never stopped loving you and Nick knew that. He often joked that we should have joined some weird cult where I could have married you both. That I could have worked out some rota where you both had an equal share of me.
What I do and with who has nothing to do with you. Regardless of the money and that you’re Nick’s brother you have no claim over me. How dare you say that I’m being disloyal to Nick by being with these men. It’s been two years, do you honestly expect me to be alone for the rest of my life. Do you think that’s what Nick would have wanted?
As it happens, nothing happened with Barney or Connor. Connor is gay and camper than Christmas. But Barney was sweet, funny, kind and incredibly patient. When it came down to it, I couldn’t do anything with him. I wanted it to be you kissing me and touching me not him. For some stupid reason I felt like I was being disloyal to you. You, not Nick. How could I be such an idiot when you have so little regard for me?
I want you out the house and I don’t want to see you again.
Annie…
I don’t know what to say.
Please, I don’t want the money back. I don’t need it. I tried to give you guys the money before Nick died and you both were too proud to take it. The one great thing about being a successful writer is being able to look after my family and friends.
We can never be together. Regardless of your opinion of the accident, I know that I should have done something to save my brother. I cannot and will not be the person that kills my brother then screws his wife.
You’re right. I need to leave you to live your own life without interference from me. Can we make a deal? You keep the money and you’ll never see me again.
Take care Annie. I hope you will be happy.
**********
15th - 18th July
Mrs Applecroft
THIS IS NOT THE MEDIUM FOR SUCH DISCUSSIONS. I DO NOT WANT TO READ ABOUT THE SORDID SEX LIFE OF MRS BUTTERWORTH OR OF ANY OF THE OTHER GUESTS THAT HAVE STAYED HERE.
PLEASE KEEP YOUR PRIVATE LIFE PRIVATE AND DO NOT AIR YOUR DIRTY LAUNDRY FOR ALL AND SUNDRY TO SEE. WHEN I BOOKED THIS HOLIDAY I DID NOT EXPECT TO BE EXPOSED TO THIS KIND OF DISGUSTING BEHAVIOUR.
Quite right Mrs Applecroft, my apologies.
WEDNESDAY:
I FOUND A PEA AT THE BACK OF THE FREEZER. I WOULD THINK THE FREEZER WOULD BE CLEANED OUT IN BETWEEN GUESTS.
MRS BUTTERWORTH SEEMS TO BE CULTIVATING WEEDS IN THE BACK GARDEN. THERE ARE TWO BIG BUSHES OF WHAT ARE OBVIOUSLY WEEDS. ADMITTEDLY THEY HAVE PURPLE FLOWERS SO IT MAY BE HARD FOR THE UNEDUCATED TO IDENTIFY BUT I KNOW A WEED WHEN I SEE ONE.
THE GRASS OUT ON THE GREEN NEEDS CUTTING.
THE SIGN TO BUTTERWORTH FARM IS STILL SQUEAKING.
THE BEACH WAS VERY COLD TODAY.
THE CARPET IN THE SPARE ROOM HAS AN UNSIGHTLY STAIN UNDERNEATH THE RUG.
THE FROG AND RHUBARB, WHICH INCIDENTALLY I’VE ALWAYS THOUGHT WAS A SILLY NAME, CHARGED ME TWO POUNDS FOR A PORTION OF CHIPS TODAY. THOUGH THE CHIPS TASTED GOOD I WILL NOT BE GOING THERE AGAIN AND PAYING THOSE EXORBITANT PRICES.
