“Neither did I,” I said quietly. “I never wanted to hurt him. I wanted to tell him to his face about Sean, but he went to Amsterdam, and I’d arranged to see him when he got back so I could tell him. He came home early and…” I closed my eyes as I thought about Cam’s words.
“Thanks, Kitten. Thanks a lot,” he’d said, and the look in his eyes when he realised who Sean was… I started to cry.
“He turned up at the club, and I was there with Sean. I never meant to hurt him, I swear. I’m so sorry. I haven’t stopped thinking about him for the past two weeks. I just don’t know, I don’t understand what’s going on with me. I think he might be right, I think I do love him. I think. . . I don’t know.”
Robbie looked at me with those eyes that were so much like Cam’s. “Well, that’s something only you can decide, Georgia, and until that time, please don’t go getting my brother’s hopes up. If you decide that you’re wrong or if you leave him again, I think that would actually kill him.”
I had no reply. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to feel. I was left alone with Cam while what could only be described as a military operation went into effect around him. His flat was cleaned, and bolts and locks were put on the bedroom door. Benny came in and went through every drawer and cupboard in the bedroom and bathroom, all while Cam slept.
I’d noticed beads of sweat were starting to appear on his forehead and top lip, so I went into the bathroom and ran a face cloth under the cold tap so I could wipe his face and neck with it. He stirred and mumbled, but didn’t wake. I went out to the kitchen to fetch a bowl that I could fill with water, so I didn’t have to keep dripping the face cloth from the bathroom. The whole place was now spotless and smelled fresh and clean. Robbie was still there, talking on the phone. Benny and another bouncer from the bar were sitting on stools in the kitchen, eating burgers. My belly rumbled because I’d not eaten.
“What time is it, Ben?”
He looked at his watch. “Ten past six.”
Shit, I’d been there since twelve. I needed to go home.
“Ben, look, Cam’s starting to sweat, I’m gonna give his face another wipe, but then would you take me home. I can’t walk. I have the press up my arse at the moment.”
Robbie had ended his phone call and was looking at me.
“Go wash his face, and I’ll take you. The doctor will be here to give him something for the sweats and shakes,” he ordered.
I nodded, filled the bowl with cold water, and then went back to the bedroom. This time when I washed Cam’s face, he opened his eyes. They were a lot more focused, and he looked over my face as he licked his lips, which were dry and cracked.
“Kitten,” he whispered in a croaky voice.
“Would you like some water?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Scotch.”
I gave a little laugh and shook my head. “No can do, Tiger. Water, tea, coffee, them’s your choices?”
“You’re mean.”
“I know.”
“I love you.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
“Yes. Would you like some water or some tea?” My heart was banging so hard in my chest that it was giving me a headache.
He sighed. “Will you serve it to me naked?”
“I’ll pour it over your dick if you don’t simmer down.”
He gave a little chuckle. “There’s my angry, Kitten.”
“I’m not angry, Cam. I’m sad. Why? Why’d you do this to yourself?”
He closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, his look was cold and hard, and it scared me for a second.
“My head hurts, would you please get me some headache tablets and a glass of water?”
I didn’t question his change in tone or the way he was looking at me. He was hurt, he was angry, and I was the cause of his suffering. I think that entitled him to look at me however he liked.
“I can get you some water, but no tablets. The doctor will be here soon, and I’m not sure what he wants to give you.”
“What? Doctor, why?” He started to get up out of bed, but his legs were unsteady, and he staggered and fell back down. I called out for Benny, but it was Robbie that was first through the door.
“Back in bed, Cam.”
“You’re not locking me up again. I’m not going back to that place!” Cam was shouting while Robbie was trying to get him back into bed. Benny came in and helped hold him down.
“Don’t hurt him!” I shouted at both of them.
“Get her out!” Cam growled, “Get her the fuck out of here! Don’t let her see me, Rob. Don’t let her see me like this.”
Cam started to cry, as I stood and sobbed as the damage I’d caused unfolded before me.
“Please Rob, please don’t lock me up.”
Robbie held onto Cam as he cried. “I won’t, mate. I promise I won’t. The doctor’s coming. Joshie and Tor are on their way. We’ll look after you here. I won’t lock you up, we’ll get you better between us.”
Cam stopped fighting and just let his big brother hold him while I stood in the corner and cried, as guilt over the outcome of my actions ate me alive. Robbie looked at me and gestured with his head for me to get out. I left. I didn’t wait for a lift. I just fled the flat and made the ten-minute walk back home with my head down. Not just because I hoped it would keep people from recognising me but because of the shame I felt. I’d broken Cam’s heart. I’d left him in a similar way that Sean’s actions had left me in, and I would never forgive myself. As I came down the back alley, I spotted Sean’s, Len’s, and my dad’s cars all blocking my way.
Shit, I was in trouble.
Dave was standing at the bottom of the stairs and let out a sigh and then shook his head when he saw me. “Thanks, Georgia, I’m in so much fuckin’ trouble coz of you.”
For fuck’s sake.
“I’m sorry, Dave, but if it’s any consolation, I bet I’m in more.”
He nodded his head. “I think you’re right there, babe. Maca is doin’ his narna. I think they were about to call the police.”
Shit!
Fuck!
Bollocks!
I ran up the stairs and down the hallway to a welcoming party of my entire family, plus Jimmie, Ash, Sean, and Milo. The whole room fell absolutely silent for a split second. Sean had his back to me. He turned, looked me over, and placed his hands on his hips before letting out the biggest sigh as his chin fell forward onto his chest.
“Where the fuck have you been, George?” Lennon spoke, and my dad raked his hand through his hair and came over to give me a cuddle.
“Princess, you scared the fuckin’ life outta me. Don’t ever, ever do that again!”
I swallowed. “I’m sorry, Daddy.” I looked around the room at all the anxious faces. Bailey had been in the middle of a call.
“Fin, she’s here, call the boys off… Na, she’s fine. I’ll bell ya later and let ya know, cheers.” His angry eyes looked me over. “That close.” He showed me a very tiny space between his thumb and index finger as he held them up. “We were that fuckin’ close to starting banging down doors. Dave said you went off with bald Benny, and that you said you wouldn’t be gone long. That was seven hours ago, George. Seven… fucking… hours. No one’s seen you, no one’s seen King. You didn’t call. We had no idea where the fuck you were. We thought he’d flipped his lid and gone psycho again… kidnapped ya… killed ya. We didn’t know George, coz you being the selfish little bitch that you are, you fucked off without a word.”
I’d never seen my brother so angry, I don’t think I’d ever made anyone that mad in my life. He stood staring at me, his hands on his hips as he raked his top teeth over his bottom lip. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to speak but before I even had the chance, he continued. . .
“Dad was ready to start shooting people, and Maca was not far behind.” He stopped to draw in a deep breath. “Do you ever stop and think about anyone but yourself, George? Ever? You start runn
ing around with Sean when you’re just a kid, getting up to God knows what. Then when that goes tits up, you spend four years acting like we should have you committed. Then next thing we know, you start running around with one of the East End’s biggest gangsters, whose wife just happened to die under very mysterious circumstances. And then, finally, we get a two-week window where we all think that we can finally breathe because you’re back with Maca. Finally, right where you wanna be, and then you pull this little stunt. What the fuck is wrong with you? What exactly is it you want? Do you even know? For fuck’s sake, Georgia, you’re nearly twenty-one, it’s time to grow up and start being accountable for your actions and the effect they have on everyone else.”
I stood alone and mortified, letting the tears roll silently down my cheeks. Everything Bailey had said was true. I was a spoilt, selfish girl, and I didn’t take other people’s feelings into account as often as I should. I looked around the room, at the worried faces of the people that I loved the most in the world, but I didn’t make eye contact with any of them.
“I’m so sorry everyone, I didn’t mean for you to worry. I was asked to help out in an emergency, and I lost track of time. I’m so sorry. I should’ve called. I should’ve let someone know where I was or taken Dave with me, but I didn’t, and I’m sorry.” I walked past everyone and went straight to my bathroom and turned on the shower. I turned the water around to hot, took off my clothes, and stepped under the flow, adjusting the water so that it was as hot as I could bear it. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I didn’t mean to be selfish, and I didn’t mean to hurt anyone or make them worry. I didn’t know Cam loved me. I didn’t know my family had been so concerned for so long. But again, at the end of the day, was ignorance any kind of defence or was I just a stupid, spoiled twenty-year-old who thought she knew it all?
I slid down the wall, bringing my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them.
I’m not sure how long I spent sitting on the shower floor, but when I eventually got out, Sean was sitting on the edge of the bath holding a towel. He stood, wrapped it around me, and just held me tight. He grabbed another from the rack and started to rub my hair dry with it.
I’d stopped crying, but my jaw was still quivering, and I could hear it in my voice when I said to Sean, “I’m so sorry.”
He pulled me in tighter and kissed the top of my head. “Let’s go to bed,” was all he said.
I climbed into bed and finished drying my own hair as I watched him take off his clothes. He stripped totally naked and climbed in next to me, pulling me to him. I felt safe, warm, and loved, which was probably more than I deserved.
“D’ya wanna tell me about it?”
I shook my head. “Not yet.”
“I was so worried, G. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in all my life. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to start looking for you. What scared me more was how worried your dad was.”
“Sean?”
“Gia?”
“Make love to me?”
He kissed me ever so softly on the mouth while his hands tangled in my damp hair. He pushed me gently over onto my back and slid down my body. Starting with the soles of my feet, he kissed his way back up my legs, bending my knees and spreading me open. Kissing, licking, and sucking me to my first orgasm. He moved to give attention to my belly to my boobs. He bit down gently, first on one nipple and then on the other. He kept climbing up my body until eventually, he was straddling my chest. I took his cock in my hand and stroked him. He brushed his thumb over my bottom lip and he looked down into my eyes.
“Squeeze your tits together,” he whispered. He placed his cock between them while I squeezed like he told me to. He stroked himself right down at the base. All the while, he was staring into my eyes. “God, you look fuckin’ beautiful right now.”
I gave him a small smile. I didn’t want him to be nice to me. I wanted him to be rough and cause me pain.
“Sean?”
“What?”
“I need you. I want you to turn me over, you know, like we talked about at the club, in the office.”
“What? G, are you sure?”
“Yes, it’s what I want.”
He stilled for a few seconds with his eyes fully focused on mine, and then he rolled to the side.
“Turn over.”
He climbed off the bed and went into the bathroom, returning a few seconds later and placing something down on the bedside table. He laid down flat on top of me at first, just stroking up and down the backs of my arms. He kissed the back of my neck and my shoulders, before making his way all the way down my spine. He pushes my legs apart with his.
“Pull your knees underneath you babe, arse in the air, keep your legs open wide.”
I did exactly as he said while his fingers continued to gently stroke down from the back of my neck, down my spine, over each of my arse cheeks, then through the middle of them. He used his hands to spread me open. I could feel the calluses on his fingers caused by years of playing the guitar, and of all the sensations firing through me, it was that one that made me groan. It was so Sean, so unique to Sean. He licked me from back to front and then back again, his tongue flicked in and around my hole, while he used his middle finger to rub my clit.
“Fuck, Sean.”
“That feel good, G?”
“Yeah.”
“We’ve got no lube, so I’m gonna use Vaseline. Keep still for me.”
I remained perfectly still while I listened to him unscrew the jar of Vaseline. He started with just one finger, rubbing it gently in circles, around and around.
“Open your legs wider baby, push your arse higher and relax. You look so beautiful right now, so fuckin’ beautiful.” He pushed one finger inside me and then added another. “That okay? Tell me if it hurts?”
I was biting down so hard on my bottom lip that it actually hurt when I released it, so I sucked it to relieve the pain.
“Gia, am I hurting you? Tell me baby, and I’ll stop.”
“No, no, fuck no.”
He pulled his fingers out and then rubbed his cock up and down my arse crack. He stopped and nudged against me. “I love you, baby. Please tell me you really wanna do this? You know I love you, right? Don’t do this if you don’t wanna.”
I looked around at him from over my shoulder. “When do I ever do anything I don’t wanna?”
He gave me his front-of-a-magazine-cover smile then winked at me. He wrapped his hand around my hair and yanked my hair back roughly. “I fuckin’ love you, Georgia Rae, now I’m gonna fuck your arse and make you scream.” He eased inside me slowly as he talked, “Fuck, you’re tight, baby.” He pulled me up so I was almost sitting on his knees. His knees between my open legs from behind, he reached around me and gently rubbed my clit. His mouth was at my ear, and I tilted my head to the side so that I could feel his hot breath on me as he spoke, “You’re in control, Georgia. Ride me, but go at your own speed, baby.”
I ground gently onto him, enjoying the full sensation. It was different, but it was nice.
“You want my fingers in your cunt?”
Oh, God, just him saying that word had me groaning and grinding back on him.
“Do ya, G? Tell me, else I’ll stop.”
“No! I mean, yes! No, don’t stop. Yes, I want your fingers in me.”
He chuckled in my ear. “You’re a bad, bad girl, Georgia Rae, and I love you so much for giving me this. Now come for me, coz I ain’t gonna last, you’re too much, too gorgeous, and too tight, I can’t last.” He pushed his fingers inside me, and it was the strangest of sensations. I felt full, stretched, and when he pushed the heel of his hand onto my clit, it was too, too much. Every muscle I had below my waist clamped around his cock and his fingers. I rolled my head back as he bit into my shoulder, I moaned and called out his name, trying to relieve the intensity of the orgasm that just wouldn’t stop rolling through me. In the end, I had nowhere left to go and just let it take me, moaning and whi
mpering my way through it as I listened to Sean’s words, “Fuck, that’s good, I’m coming baby, only for you, it’s only ever been you.”
Less than a minute later, we collapsed in a heap on the bed. Sean held me tight, my back pressed into his chest, he kissed my neck and my shoulders continuously. Eventually we lay still and silent. I listened to him breathe and felt his chest move up and down against me. I wanted him to talk, to ask me about today, but I also wanted him to never mention it. He kissed the back of my head.
“Come and shower with me.”
I nodded, and he eased out of me and pulled me by the hand as we walked to the shower. He didn’t wait for the water to heat up before he pulled me in with him. I screamed, he laughed, pulling me against his chest as the cold water made us both shiver and caused our teeth to chatter. It eventually started to warm. He pushed my wet hair from my face and held it with both of his hands while he kissed my eyes, my nose, then so softly, my mouth, my chin, down through my cleavage, and all the way down my belly. He knelt down on the floor in front of me, taking hold of my hands in his and said, “I love ya, Georgia Rae, please be my wife?”
I stared down at him, not sure if I’d just heard right.
“I love you more than life, I love you like the stars above.” He raised his eyebrows at me and smirked, waiting for my response.
“I’ll love you till I die,” I continued, and he broke out his best grin.
“Like I told ya, Romeo and Juliette have got nothing on us, baby. I don’t wanna wait. If other people hadn’t fucked us up we would’ve been married and probably had a couple of kids by now.”
He was looking up at me with those big brown eyes with their little flecks of gold shining so brightly in them. He was my life, he was my world, and whatever feelings I thought I might’ve had for Cam were now irrelevant. Perhaps I did love Cam. I didn’t know, but it didn’t matter. Sean would always have my heart. I had no control over that fact, it was what it was, and no one would ever be able to change it.
Carnage Boxset Page 31
