by Sally Henson
Who knew when he would answer? Maybe he was traveling home. I hoped.
I sent a group message to Mom, Madi, and Brendan.
Tommie: We won!!! And I pitched a no-hitter!
Madi: Gasp! We have to celebrate!
Madi: Mom’s at work.
Brendan: Nice! Knew you could do it.
Tommie: Yeah, Mom sent me a message she got called in.
Mom took every last-minute job she could get. Wednesdays were supposed to be the night she made a family dinner. I knew why she worked so much, but I missed Dad too. We all did.
Tommie: I think we’re grabbing food at the Burger Barn.
I sunk into the seat and closed my eyes.
“What’s the deal?” Cayla asked. “You get your first no-hitter and all of a sudden you’ve gone from party girl to pouty girl.”
I peeked one eye open and then closed it, adding a shrug. “I think the adrenaline high wore off,” I said.
“Already?” she huffed. “You won’t mind if I sit with the other girls while you zone out or whatever?” she asked.
I opened my eyes, flicking my fingers in the air, and said, “Go ahead.”
Cayla plopped back into the seat beside me. “Tommie, you should be bouncing-off-the-walls excited.”
I sighed. “I know. I’m excited. Was. It’s just…” I sat up and turned toward her. “Did you see how the guys acted toward me after the game?”
“Yeah, they surrounded you like you were the star. Which—” she gripped my shoulders and gave me a shake— “you totally were.”
I giggled at her actions but shook my head.” No.” The look in Roan’s eyes when James hugged me and the guys coming up to us burned my brain. “I mean, they acted like I was one of the guys. Those weren’t little taps on the head, you know. I’m not a guy. They’ve always treated me like I was, am. And Roan does too. When no one’s around, he treats me so different. Like a girlfriend.”
Things at Logan’s party didn’t turn out like I’d hoped. Roan was off with his friends all night. I guessed that was the point of the party, but I had hoped it would be different.
I watched Gabe and Summer all night like a creeper. I couldn’t look away. The attention Gabe gave her…it was clear that Roan didn’t see me the way I wanted him to. The way Gabe saw Summer.
No guy did.
Roan may have said he wanted to ask me to prom as a date, but when it came down to his friends knowing about us. he pulled away from me. And to top the night off, he didn’t even notice I only gave him yes or no answers on the way home.
When I climbed into bed that night, I told Juju I had playoffs to focus on. I would not cry over Roan hiding our new relationship. I needed to channel everything into pitching the best game ever. And that was exactly what I did.
Cayla gave me a sad smile. “Oh, Tommie. If he thought that, why would he have said you guys could have something really great?”
I shook my head. She didn’t get it. “Forget it. I think my emotions are all over the place right now.”
21
Soda shot out of Madi’s mouth and landed on the ground next to my feet. Cayla’s description of the last three batters of the game was too much for my sister.
I jerked my legs under my chair. “Gross. You almost spit on me,” I griped. I had to admit, Cayla could be hilarious.
“I could hear her knees knocking all the way in the outfield,” Cayla argued as she started in on another round of infectious laughter. Madi was still reeling from earlier. We were having so much fun that I didn’t even care that I was around all the softball team outside of practice. In public. For the second time this week.
“What’s so funny?” Roan asked, joining our group, leaning against the tree next to me.
“Cayla’s exaggerating,” I said.
Cayla stood. “You know me, Roan. Story teller extraordinaire.”
Madi burst out in laughter.
“Let’s get a refill, Madi,” Cayla said as she stood.
“Sure,” Madi said, standing from the plastic chair across the table from me. She and Cayla giggled as they stopped and talked to Addison on their way to the order window.
Roan took the seat Madi vacated. “You want to come over before you have to be home?”
“I probably should go home since game two is tomorrow. You have a game too,” I said, taking a long drink of my strawberry lemonade.
He laid his hand on top of mine, skimming his thumb ever so gently. “I’d still like you to.”
My body relaxed. I turned my hand and laced our fingers together. “Why haven’t your grandparents come home yet?”
He grimaced and leaned back against the back of the chair. “Gramps’ brother had complications. He’s still in the hospital, so they plan to stay until he gets out.”
My eyebrows squished together. It had been over a week since they left. It had to be a bad situation for them to stay. “They won’t be back to watch your games?” I asked.
He looked down to our hands and shook his head. “Doesn’t look like it.”
Since his mom died, his grandparents had been the only steady support he had. I knew how it felt to not have a parent show up. “I’m sorry.”
Shawn Nelson ran up to the table, calling for Roan.
Roan dropped my hand as if it was on fire and leaned away, putting space between us. My heart dropped too.
James was on Shawn’s heels. “You’re going down, Nelson,” he growled.
Roan sat there while James chased Shawn around the tree and table, tossing threats about jalapeños Shawn had ordered on James’ burger. If Roan hadn’t acted like I was a disease, I would have laughed.
Roan stood and put himself between them to protect his pitcher.
Every little signal Roan gave led up to this. It was obvious now. There was no way I read all of the pulling away wrong. Or every other time Roan kept his distance when we were at school or church or around his friends. Being a couple with me embarrassed him.
While he sorted out their scuffle, I slipped away to Cayla’s Jeep, texting her on the way.
Tommie: Please take me home right now. I’m in your Jeep.
The pain in my chest was real. Real heartbreak. I opened the door and climbed into the back seat. She and Madi got in a minute later.
“You okay?” Madi asked.
No, I wasn’t okay. My heart had just been kicked around in my chest like a soccer ball. In fact, it was still in the game and I needed to get out of here. “Yeah. I just want to go home.”
Cayla started the engine and pulled out onto the road. Roan sent me a message.
Roan: Where are you going?
Tommie: Home. See you tomorrow.
My shoulder was sore. My head pounded. Most of all, my heart was bruised and shredded.
This was the best freaking day of my softball career. I pitched a no-hitter. My first. In a state playoff game. Then why did it feel like I lost?
Roan and I both had playoff games the next day. I couldn’t think about divorcing my best friend right now. A tear trickled over the brim of my lashes, and I swiped it away. Tough girls didn’t cry, even if they lost their best friend.
22
I wasn’t one of those superstitious athletes, except for my socks. But last night’s disaster with Roan pulling away once again must have been an omen. Mazzie got hurt in the third inning of our second playoff game.
The opposing team scored three runs before London got the third out that inning. I tried to coach her up, but she wasn’t interested in anything I had to say. I could still hear her words echo in my head, “I don’t need a guppy telling me how to pitch.”
The bus ride home was so quiet, the roar of the engine filled the air. I didn’t even want to listen to music. The team’s hopes to be state champions were gone.
Cayla leaned into me as the bus left the diamond. “It wasn’t your fault. If Coach would have put you in right away, we’d be celebrating right now.”
I gave her a shrug. We were still ma
king hits, but the other team kept scoring. Our defense from the circle hurt us. My pitching was solid. And if we weren’t so behind when she took London out, we might have won.
“That throw in the fifth inning was awesome,” I said. “You had a great game.”
The corner of her mouth lifted into a half-smile. “Thanks. Too bad it wasn’t enough.”
“Gah! I wanted to make it to the finals so bad.” I glanced over at Coach Hayes and Mac. They were both slumped in their seats. Addison and Summer sat two seats behind them. Summer had to be black and blue after catching London. The ball was all over the place, including in the dirt. I had to give it to Summer; that girl knew how to protect the plate. She wanted this so bad too.
Now what? Would any of us have the chance to play in college next year?
I had no idea what I wanted to do after my senior year. Up until my first kiss went horribly wrong, I never wanted high school to end. Staying in Sweet Water may not be the answer for me anymore. What if I did go away to college? Would I get homesick? Would Roan be too busy for me if I did go to Tennessee?
Roan had his first playoff game today. I sent him a message as soon as my game was over.
Halfway back to Sweet Water, he texted me.
Roan: Sorry about your game.
Roan: We won! Six to two.
Tommie: Congrats!
Roan: Did Mazzie have a bad game?
Tommie: She took a line drive to the head. Her parents took her to the hospital. Coach thought she had a concussion.
Roan: Ouch!
Tommie: Yeah.
Roan: So Coach put you in?
Tommie: After London flubbed the game. I held the other team, but we weren’t able to make up the runs.
Roan: Sorry you guys are out.
Roan: The guys are grabbing burgers when we get back. Shawn wants to talk strategy with us.
I groaned. Why did it always come down to me being one of the guys? The clothes Madi had me wearing didn’t work. And I had been trying. What was the use? I felt bad enough from losing, I didn’t want my other failures in life to be smeared in my face tonight.
Tommie: No thanks.
Roan: I’ll swing by and pick you up.
Tommie: Congrats to you guys, but I’m not up to celebrating.
Roan: You want to hit with us at the cages tomorrow? Give me some pointers?
I used to think being one of the guys was great. If all I wanted was to talk sports, eat burgers, belch and fart, it had its privileges. But I didn’t want Roan or any of his team to see me as a boy anymore.
Tommie: I’m not one of the guys! Okay? I. AM. A. GIRL!!!!!!!
Roan: What??? I know that.
I felt a little guilty sending it with an exclamation point—or seven. But he didn’t seem to get it. I couldn’t do…whatever it was we were doing anymore.
Tommie: Forget it. Talk to you tomorrow.
23
Cayla swung by and picked Madi and me up for school this morning since Roan and his team were hitting at the batting cages.
“Girl!” Cayla called. I was a few steps in front of her and Madi as we walked across the parking lot. “Your butt is rockin’ those shorts.”
When I woke up this morning, my mood was less than perky. I almost went back to my old wardrobe. Almost. After I screamed at Roan in my message last night, I didn’t want to give him a reason to treat me like one of the guys by dressing like one. So I wore a pair of white, fitted shorts and a white top with lavender and pink flowers. That was the closest to girly I could get without wearing a dress or skirt.
I stopped, turned to see her, and gave her a giant eye roll. She stepped next to me. I wished it were true…that I looked good. After my team’s loss and the silence from Roan after I message-shouted I am a girl, I felt more like a sack of rotting clams.
Madi raised her hand for Cayla to smack it. “I know, right?”
London’s cackle sprang from beside a car nearby. She adjusted the strap of her designer bag on her shoulder. “You can put lipstick on a pig, girls, but she’s still just a pig.” The little monster went out of her way to brush by me and strutted toward the school.
She blew the game yesterday but didn’t skip a beat when it came to demeaning me?
“You’re such a poser, Lon, baby,” Madi called out.
My mouth dropped open. I glanced at Cayla, and hers was the same. That just rolled off my sister’s tongue? She had that talent with me, but with a girl like London?
“Ugh, she is such a jerk,” Madi grumbled. “Don’t listen to her. She’s just jealous.”
London jealous of me? That was laughable, but Madi’s assessment made me stand a little taller. “Madi, that was…”
“Awesome!” Cayla finished.
Madi shrugged it off, but we giggled all the way inside.
Roan wasn’t around at the first bell. And I managed to avoid him all morning. By the time the lunch bell rang, I had hopes he would want to talk and say he wanted to be my boyfriend.
“Let’s go to the game tonight,” Cayla said as she shut her locker door.
I glanced through the hall for Roan but didn’t see him. Even though I was mad at Roan, I still wanted him to win, for the team to make it to the finals. I pursed my lips and started toward the cafeteria for lunch. “Yeah, okay.”
“Hey,” Roan said from behind me. His hand brushed my arm. “Could I talk to you?”
I gave Cayla a sideways glance. “What is it?” I asked.
He gripped my wrist and tugged for me to stop.
I turned to face him and gave him a cold stare.
“We’ll catch up with you,” he said to Cayla but stared right back at me.
Cayla stopped too and folded her arms.
I waved her off. “It’s okay.”
Roan tugged me in the opposite direction I was headed, through the double doors that led outside, and away from prying eyes and ears.
I thought about ripping him a new one, but that wasn’t the kind of person I was. Plus, I was still unsure about everything and secretly hoping he would apologize and ask me to be his girlfriend. I folded my arms across my chest and looked across the lawn, waiting for the words I was desperate to hear.
“You’re not wearing my baseball shirt?” His voice was a mix of gruffness and hurt. He’d worn mine the day of my big game. A tinge of guilt swirled in my stomach. I should have worn my Lions baseball shirt, but I wanted him and everyone else to notice I am, in fact, a girl.
“I didn’t want anyone to mistake me as part of the baseball team.” As hard as it was, I kept my voice even.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked sounding like a grizzly bear.
I took a step back and angled toward him. His eyebrows hung low over his deep-set amber eyes. “It means, I’m not a boy. I’ve been trying my best to not look like one, and I’m tired of being treated like I am.”
He worked his jaw to the side and shook his head. “No one thinks you’re a boy. I don’t know why you keep on saying that.”
“Is that so?” I tilted my head. “Then why do you treat me like I’m your buddy?”
He tilted his head too. “Because you are.”
My arms dropped to my sides, and the sting of tears hit me faster than a line drive. “Exactly.”
He raised his hands in the air and said, “I don’t get what the big deal is.”
I clenched my jaw. He was still my friend. I needed to ask him straight up, “Are you embarrassed for people to know about us? Is this all we are? Kissing buddies?” I thought I could be tough, strong, but the heaviness on my chest, tightness in my throat, and burning eyes showed me otherwise.
His mouth opened and closed. “No. It’s not like…” His golden eyes searched my face before he looked over my head and rubbed the back of his neck. When he turned his gaze back on me, he was in full intimidation mode. “You’re the one who wanted a kissing tutor,” he said and let out at growl. “Look, I don’t have time for this. I need to focus on tonight’s gam
e.” He stormed back into the school.
Coming home straight after school was bittersweet. It was nice to come home and not rush the rest of the night to get everything done. At the same time, I knew that would wear off by next week and I’d be missing softball. My career was officially over.
Mom sent a group text to Brendan, Madi, and me over my lunch period to be home no later than six that evening. Dad was supposed to call from overseas, and Mom wanted to have “supper” together.
I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling, when my phone buzzed. I checked the screen and saw a message from Cayla.
Cayla: He looks good.
She sent a few photos of Roan catching and batting. Guilt squeezed my chest. Roan was right. I was the one who wanted a kissing tutor, but I didn’t expect to have that kind of chemistry with him. He had sent me a message while he was on his way to the game to ask me to come. It was an hour drive, and even though I wanted to support my friend, I couldn’t miss Dad’s call. Besides, I knew Mom wouldn’t let me skip out on it even if I wanted to. He wasn’t too mad at me if he sent that message, but that made me feel even worse. Plus, his grandparents were still gone. I was the only family he had.
I went down to the kitchen a few minutes later to help with supper. Juju crossed the kitchen from her water bowl to the stairs and curled up in front of them. She waited there for me sometimes. I stirred the onions and peppers in the skillet. The patio door opened. Brendan came in with the grilled steak for fajitas. Madi had already gotten out all the condiments while Mom set the table. She had made progress on the wall she was opening up between the kitchen and living room.
Mom had propped up the tablet on the table while we finished cooking. It sounded with Dad’s video call. Mom ran from the island to the table and pressed the button. I shut the burner off and skidded over beside her. Madi and Brendan did the same.
